Strong Is Fighting ❤

[iouaname]

This thread is kind of a journal for myself (since I am not able to start one here and I don't want to keep one on my computer for privacy reasons).

 

I have had an incredibly rough year dealing with many different things. For the first time, I am beginning to see the sunshine through the clouds. Things are beginning to settle, and I feel that I am slowly beginning to take my life back. I feel like the trials of this year have made me a much stronger person and whereas before I used to dwell on the person that I had been or was at the moment, I am now beginning to focus on the person I want to be. Somewhere among the breakup, deaths, loss of friends, and complete destruction of my self-esteem, I began to lose myself in my own pity party. I can finally say that that is no longer the case and that I am feeling much better.

 

There was a time not too long ago where I was suicidal, feeling that there was just no way I was going to be able to get through all of the things that had happened. I made myself a victim of the world, and in some ways, that was a comfort for me. Instead of addressing things, I could just blame the world. I've decided that I no longer want to be the victim in this story, I want to be the heroine. I have had a rough year, but I am stronger than all of my tribulations.

 

In order to help me with moving forward with my life, I designed 11 goals that I have posted in an app on my phone. These goals are all 30 day challenges, and I intend to follow through with them and do my best with them. They are:

 

 

• [highlight]Meditation[/highlight] -- I have started meditating and doing some light yoga. Stretching relieves stress, so every day I am going to set aside some time to darken my room, put on some relaxing music, and stretch and meditate. I think spending a little bit of time each day reflecting on who I want to be will help me become that person.
  
• [highlight]Vitamins[/highlight] -- I have been neglecting my health the past few months, because I just did not care. I need to fix that. I am currently on anti-depressants that I have not taken diligently, and so I am going to remember to take my anti-depressants each day and also take a vitamin with them. I have several different vitamins, but I'm going to just take one each day because I don't want to over-do it.
  
• [highlight]Exercise[/highlight] -- This goes along with having neglected my health - but I stopped eating and exercising at the beginning of this year and I have wasted away. I came back home and my family was genuinely concerned that I had become anorexic. I have since been going to the gym 4 times a week, doing some strength training and cardio, and have gained a healthy 10 pounds. I don't look quite as awful. I am going to continue this and get myself back into shape.
  
• [highlight]Journaling[/highlight] -- And that is where this thread comes in I have heard that journaling is actually recommended by therapists, because it helps to vent emotions and to reflect. I don't feel comfortable keeping a document on my computer or a physical diary because I then worry about family or friends seeing it. Here, I can post anonymously. So every day for the next thirty days, I am going to post in this thread. I like to reflect on some quotes, talk about my day and my coping and my goals, etc.
  
• [highlight]Get Outside[/highlight] -- I have become somewhat of a recluse. I have barely gone outside at all this year, because I was more comfortable curled up inside wallowing. I am dedicating myself to spend more time outside. I don't want to waste another minute of this summer. For the next thirty days, I am going to try to spend some time outside each day. Whether it's spending time by the pool or taking my dogs for a walk, I just need to get myself out more.
  
• [highlight]Re-Renovate Room[/highlight] -- I am working on re-renovating my room this summer, and so I am slowly cleaning out the clutter. My depression has really slowed this process down though. So I am committing myself to having my room completely re-renovated within the next thirty days. I'm re-painting, putting in new floors and getting some new furniture.
  
• [highlight]No Contact[/highlight] -- For those of you who are familiar with my story, I went through a rough breakup and have had a serious issue maintaining no contact. This past weekend, I got a phone call from my ex. It was a phone call I never expected to get. He apologized for the things he had said and the way he had handled things. I don't feel anger at him anymore, but I declined his offer to be friends again. For the first time, I actually feel confident about not breaking no contact. However, I am making it a thirty day goal just to help out.
  
• [highlight]Writing[/highlight] -- I am a writer. Writing has always been a passion of mine, specifically novels. I stopped doing this when I met my ex because I think he always thought it was silly, but I am committing myself to jumping back into it with a novel I have always had planned in my head. I am going to try to write a little bit every day, and ultimately finish at least the first chapter in the next thirty days.
  
• [highlight]No Social Media[/highlight] -- I have cut social media out of my life for thirty days, completely. No more Facebook, no more Twitter, no more Instagram... I just needed to get rid of it. Not just because of my ex, but I found it was depressing me. It had me constantly comparing myself to others and it was just not helpful at all, so for the next thirty days I am not going to have anything to do with it. I already feel so much of my anxiety lifted.
  
• [highlight]Reading[/highlight] -- I have so many books that I have been neglecting! I am committing myself to reading a little each day for the next thirty days. Hopefully I'll be able to finish some of these.
  
• [highlight]Pampering/Shopping[/highlight] --as I learned from The Golden Girls: "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping!" I am going to pamper myself for the next thirty days. Whether it's buying something for myself each day or just doing something for myself each day, no more being the victim who has nothing going for her. I am going to give myself something to be happy about each day. Is it kind of shallow? Yes. But putting on my shallow bitch attitude is exactly what I need right now, because the emotional, deep-thinking me is becoming exhausting.
  

So there, I have all of my eleven goals plotted out. I'll be posting in this every day for the next thirty days, just talking about my progress, venting, etc...

[Legatus]

Very nice list! I am doing some of those things but having it on such a list makes it easier. I look forward to reading about your progress!

[iouaname]

Very nice list! I am doing some of those things but having it on such a list makes it easier. I look forward to reading about your progress!

 

Thank you!

 

I actually don't have much to write about today, but I'm posting just to keep with my goal of journaling each night. I had a good day. I kind of just went into it with a positive attitude and I just am beginning to feel a lot better.

 

"Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

 

I think I've spent far too much time ruminating and being introspective. It's good to be introspective and to try to understand what you are feeling, but at a certain point it just becomes counter-productive so instead of the analyzing, I am going to try to just stay distracted, because that has worked for me so far. Instead of trying to make myself comfortable with myself, I am just going to BE comfortable with myself and see how that goes.

[iouaname]

Today has been relatively good (not as great as yesterday), but there are a few thoughts that keep creeping in. I am happy with the place that I am in right now, at this very moment, but I keep looking back on how I handled this breakup and I wish that I had been more composed about it. He was unkind at times, but I didn't need to let it get to me the way that it did. Even though I am in a much better place now, there is still a part of me that wishes I could go back with the knowledge that I have now and with the person that I am now and make things different.

 

I guess that's life, though, learning from your mistakes. I miss him a lot and I wish things were different - but I am in a good place now so I don't want to spend too much time dwelling on things.

 

The goals are going pretty well. It's weird, I remember when I set them I felt like I had so much free time that I was wasting my summer, and now that my mood has improved it feels like I have less time to do all these things

 

The quote I have been meditating on today has been: "A strong woman knows that she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows that it is in the journey where she will become strong." This is kind of how I feel. I wish that I had been strong enough to handle things differently, but finding out now and having the experience to know that I am strong enough to handle things differently next time was worth it...

[thefooloftheyear]

Sounds like a solid plan:)...Sometimes in life the most difficcult times truly bring out the best in us....I also have learned a great deal..I am in a good place right now and am frankly embarrassed as a man how poorly I dealt with it...The only redeeming factor was I kept my composure and acted in a dignified manner..I think if I got sad or angry I would be really regretting it..

 

Its no longer a factor in my life..I am only going forward at this point..

 

keep it up and I wish you continued success on your journey!

 

TFY

[iouaname]

The only redeeming factor was I kept my composure and acted in a dignified manner..I think if I got sad or angry I would be really regretting it..

 

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to keep my composure and there were times I don't think I acted very dignified. I regret it a lot, but I have to just have to force myself to understand that it was a learning experience, I'm a different person now and I am better able to handle myself because of how poorly I acted the first time.

[Oldcatskinner]

iouaname,

 

Thank you for that last post. I've at the point that you seem to be, and realize that the only thing I can do now is use the lessons learned to better myself. I'd like to let her know how truly sorry I am for the way I acted during the breakup, but for now it is too raw. Here's to progress in our own lives.

[youngnlove89]

What a beautiful start OP. You are strong. You can do this.

 

We all can. The mind is a powerful thing. We have to think positive before we lose ourselves.

[iouaname]

The weekends always get to me. I'm not sure why, really. Last night I went out to a bar across the river with some friends and was out all night. I think when I go out to clubs and bars, I always imagine that my ex is out at them having more fun/getting more attention. I hate that I do that, because it stops me from having a good time. I mean, I had a good time and I'm glad that I went. Whenever I used to go out in unfamiliar situations, I'd have to take an anti-anxiety tablet to get through it. I completely forgot to even take it this time, so I'm marking that as progress.

 

A lot of the threads in the Breaking Up section about people receiving messages from their exes years later has me thinking a lot. It's been seven months since we broke up, I broke no contact first in mid-April, and then continued to do it a few times a month until July. I always feel better when I don't have contact with him, but then for some reason I would always break it. Seeing those threads was just an added wake-up call. I do NOT want to be one of those people. I don't want to be pitied or called crazy because I'm not able to let go of a relationship for years. Right now I am in a place where I am able to not contact him, the problem is that I begin to think of how I acted in the past and then I want to reach out to him just to talk to him and be friendly so that I'm not looked back on as that "crazy ex," but then it never goes that way. It always makes things worse.

 

He apologized and we had a nice conversation -- I need to leave it at THAT. I rejected his offer for friendship, because it seemed like a "I feel bad for you" kind of thing, so I need to just let it go and maintain no contact. I am confident that I can, as long as I can forgive myself for my past mistakes and not let present me continue to let past me dictate how I live my life.

 

"I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." -- Alice in Wonderland.

 

I'm going to try to sit on this quote today, and try to figure out how to forgive myself for my mistakes so that I don't keep making them...

[iouaname]

"No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces and they won't even watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you are strong. And no matter how hard they destroy you, that you can conquer anyone."

 

love this

 

I had a slump towards the end of the week, but am back to feeling pretty good heading into the beginning of this week. The goals are going pretty well for the most part and overall I am feeling good.

 

Today I read an article in a health magazine about how successful people are successful because they fail and because they aren't scared to fail, and I have been sitting on that. I've failed a lot, and I'm definitely the kind of person who is afraid to fail. I am very hard on myself after I fail, and the article was good because I realize that in order to be successful, you have to be willing to fail or else there are never really gains. When it comes to relationships, my personal shortcomings, etc., it's good to have had moments where it wasn't so good so that I'm not afraid of those moments in the future.

 

happy Sunday! Here's to a great week!

[iouaname]

What an incredibly awful day I've been having Some of it has been related to missing or being angry at my ex, some of it to other things... but I feel like all of the positive energy I had pushing me forward has been depleted and now I'm back to feeling sad. I don't have the motivation to much of anything else today... I have my therapy appointment, so I'm hoping that will give me a little bit of a pick-me-up.

 

When does life start getting easier again?

[LostGirl11]

What goals have you done so far? The point of these goals are to feel better so do them when you're at your lowest, there's no point in doing them when you're in a good mood, does that make sense? You're feeling bad now so go and do one.

 

I've done a few things that I've been neglecting, I gave my room a massive clean and clear out, I got a pedicure and tomorrow I'm getting my hair done. All these little every day things have boosted my mood quite a lot.

[iouaname]

What goals have you done so far? The point of these goals are to feel better so do them when you're at your lowest, there's no point in doing them when you're in a good mood, does that make sense? You're feeling bad now so go and do one.

 

I've done a few things that I've been neglecting, I gave my room a massive clean and clear out, I got a pedicure and tomorrow I'm getting my hair done. All these little every day things have boosted my mood quite a lot.

 

The goals are goals that I planned to do consistently over a 30 day period. Every day I try to do a little bit of each of them so that I don't have time to think about my ex, and to just do things that make me happier in general. I struggled a bit yesterday, but got it together later in the afternoon.

 

I'll post a more detailed update of how the goals are going/making me feel at the half way point!

[Tinkerbelll]

I follow your entries daily. You seem such a loving and caring person

[youngnlove89]

I follow your threads too.

 

You are doing great!

[iouaname]

aw, thanks so much to both of you! I appreciate it.

 

I found this quote and have been thinking about it whenever I start to get down: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But, one thing is certain: when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in."

 

This has been so true for me. I'm not the same person that I was when I entered into this storm of anxiety and depression. A cousin of mine who struggles with severe anxiety (she can't even leave the house), has done this thing where she calls her illness by name and writes to it. It helps her feel empowered and in control, so I thought that I'd do it here.

 

Dear Depression,

You've become such a burden to me. Sometimes I feel like I can't get rid of you. Like you're a lingering presence that is always there. When I'm alone, you creep into my head and make me sad. When I'm around other people and enjoying myself, you pop up to ruin my fun. The truth is -- I don't want you around anymore. I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore. You've tried to make me hurt myself. You want me to be weak. You want to break me and ruin me, but you won't. I won't let you. I may not be able to get rid of you right now, or tomorrow, or the next day - but your days in my life are numbered.

 

Dear Anxiety,

You've controlled my life for far too long. You came into my life when I was just a vulnerable little girl. You used the moment I was sexually abused to latch yourself on to me and never let go. You've caused me to embarrass myself, to cry, to act out. At times you've cost me my dignity. You have controlled me for far too long. I won't allow it any more.

Truthfully, that didn't help as much as I had hoped it would Still, I'm feeling much better lately. The days don't feel quite as long, the urge to speak to him isn't quite so powerful and the thoughts of him carry less weight than they used to.

[iouaname]

Things are still going pretty well for me overall. I have my ups and downs during the day, but nothing like the way I used to be. I'm reading a really great book right now called You Are Not So Smart. It's not about breakups or coping with anything, but it's about the human brain and how humans think certain things that studies show not to be true. It talks about re-wiring your brain to think certain ways, etc. It's actually been super helpful to me for where I'm at, and the one thing I wanted to write about today was something that I learned from the book:

 

"... venting will not dissipate the negative energy. It will, however, feel great. That's the thing. Catharsis will make you feel good, but it's an emotional hamster wheel. The emotion that led you to catharsis will still be there afterward, and if the catharsis made you feel good, you'll seek that emotion out in the future."

 

This was really interesting, but I've noticed the truth in it. When I used to feel angry or upset, I would vent those feelings. When I was angry I would lash out (I have a punching bag at home), and when I was sad I would come here and vent those feelings. Both of those always felt good, and so then I began doing them more and more often. These past few weeks, I've been feeling great. I don't come here to vent so much as write about my experiences and what I'm learning, and I've noticed that it has directly improved my mood.

 

So a lesson for myself in the future: Don't vent. Whenever I get angry or upset, I need to take time to remove myself from that situation and then come back around to it once the anger has faded. It's all about re-training your brain about how to react to different stimuli.

[iouaname]

omg, I'm exhausted I worked a double today. Not necessarily to keep from thinking about my ex or anything like that, but just to keep busy and feel like I'm pushing myself to be more productive with my life.

 

I wanted to post something that I thought was interesting and might help anyone going through the "no contact" situation, or even anyone trying to quit anything.

 

A chapter in my book talked about the "Extinction Burst," which is basically something that happens in any situation where anyone tries to quit an addiction cold-turkey. Basically, you quit the thing. Just before it's about to get better and the addiction is about to be broken, you get an "extinction burst," which is basically your mind's attempt to get the thing back. In the case of an ex, it's that break-down you have in no contact when you feel like the person is REALLY going to be gone unless you contact them.

 

Anyway, what the book suggested was a system of punishment/rewards. When you're trying to quit something, the best thing to do is reward yourself for not succumbing to the temptation. Then your brain begins to associate not having/doing the thing with a positive reward, and not doing the thing will actually become positive. And thus, addiction broken!!

 

I'm going to give it a try, and I'd love to hear from others what they think/if they've done it and how it has worked for them!

 

Also, update: I am exactly one-third of the way through the "30 days" that I gave myself for the goals. I've made a lot of progress in most of them, but I'll update at the half-way mark.

[youngnlove89]

A chapter in my book talked about the "Extinction Burst," which is basically something that happens in any situation where anyone tries to quit an addiction cold-turkey. Basically, you quit the thing. Just before it's about to get better and the addiction is about to be broken, you get an "extinction burst," which is basically your mind's attempt to get the thing back. In the case of an ex, it's that break-down you have in no contact when you feel like the person is REALLY going to be gone unless you contact them.

 

When you're trying to quit something, the best thing to do is reward yourself for not succumbing to the temptation. Then your brain begins to associate not having/doing the thing with a positive reward, and not doing the thing will actually become positive. And thus, addiction broken!!

 

I tried doing this a few days ago. Not because I read about it, but because I just thought about it on my own. I wanted to contact my ex really bad and I said to myself, "I'll go get a massage tonight if you don't contact him." So I went and got my relaxing massage and I came out feeling so relaxed and happy that I forgot about wanting to contact him. I then realized I had enough time to think about the consequences for contacting him. I realized I would have regretted it anyways. So instead, I did something for me that made me happy. And I felt even happier by resisting the temptation to contact.

[iouaname]

Yeah, it seems like a great idea, I just have a hard time thinking of things to reward myself with!

[youngnlove89]

Yeah, it seems like a great idea, I just have a hard time thinking of things to reward myself with!

 

Hmm...Massage? Buy a book? Buy a new outfit? Rent a movie? A bubble bath?

[iouaname]

I have definitely begun slipping back into missing him and feeling a little depressed, but I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Weekends are the hardest. I constantly think about what he's doing and how he is, and I always feel that whatever I'm doing is inadequate. This weekend I decided to get through it by picking up some extra shifts at work for the mornings, and doing the heavy stuff in re-renovating my room (painted and put in wood floors ), but even through doing all of that, I have still found myself thinking about him a lot. Of course, I imagine that he is doing amazingly, so that doesn't help.

 

Oh well. I'm excited for the week to begin...

[iouaname]

It's 3am. I can't sleep. I miss him, but I don't feel the urge to contact him. It's hard to think that our entire relationship is actually over. I won't reach out to him again, and I won't even see his pictures or what he's up to. That much I am sure of. I know that I'm not at the point where I can handle seeing how he's doing. I don't believe he'll ever contact me again. Things got too volatile after the breakup. He said his apologies, and he won't reach out again. That's good for my recovery but it's hard to think about.

 

I was having such a high and now I feel it beginning to slip... I'm just so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of the ups and downs. I'm tired of how much he consumes my thoughts.

[Legatus]

It's just a "one-day-low" as I call it. I do have it sometimes myself. Every week you'll have less of those downs I'm sure. Just after a down make sure there's couple of "ups"!

 

You're doing awesome!

[youngnlove89]

It's 3am. I can't sleep. I miss him, but I don't feel the urge to contact him. It's hard to think that our entire relationship is actually over. I won't reach out to him again, and I won't even see his pictures or what he's up to. That much I am sure of. I know that I'm not at the point where I can handle seeing how he's doing. I don't believe he'll ever contact me again. Things got too volatile after the breakup. He said his apologies, and he won't reach out again. That's good for my recovery but it's hard to think about.

 

I was having such a high and now I feel it beginning to slip... I'm just so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of the ups and downs. I'm tired of how much he consumes my thoughts.

 

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I take a Benadryl every night to help me fall asleep and STAY asleep. In the beginning I would always wake up with anxiety and I couldn't stay asleep. It was frustrating and my heart was heavy. Once I started taking Benadryl, nights have been a breeze. If you don't want to take Benadryl, try Melatonin. Same effect. Give it a try at least. It really helped for me.

 

Also with him consuming your thoughts, try shouting "STOP" (either in your head or out loud if you are alone) and picture a big red STOP sign. It makes your brain freeze and automatically stop thinking of him. Re-focus your attention on something else. Even if that something else is how your wall is blatantly white. Just think of anything. It has really helped me and taught myself to avoid thinking of him. My mind goes blank now when I think of him. It's odd, but worth a shot! You can also try the rubber band on your wrist thing. I did that in the beginning and it was painful and didn't help much, but it might work for you! Snap the band every time you think of him. (I did that and my wrist turned raw and red, haha I though about him too much)

 

You will get through this. Continue thinking positive. Remember that you are a beautiful, strong woman.