JourneyLady Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Sounds very similar to what I am doing and I absolutely LOVE your list and have copied it for myself. I find I have to force myself with some kind of reward to go out. Like grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as I can. I'm working on losing weight, but if I get myself through the grocery shopping I do get one of those teeny weeny little containers of ice cream. Otherwise I stay away from the stuff. It's difficult to find rewards that don't involve money (I got in debt for several reasons, including covering for ex-bf). I got on Second Life ($10 month) and reward myself with 25 cents worth of Linden dollars to spend there. Keeps me from accumulating more clutter in my life and yet provides "shopping" type satisfactions. I have made one friend there and usually end up talking to at least one person in there online, so I get additional social contact besides the usual. My friends here are mostly forty miles away or very busy. As sad as I feel sometimes, I still feel so much better in the place I moved to than my old home. I don't have to worry about seeing any of my ex's here, and I am in a place I love. Like you though, I do get sad and sometimes feel a bit miserable - mostly from having no one to cuddle with and because I hate sleeping alone every dang night! Best wishes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 I am feeling great today! In the final stretch of the thirty-day goals that I've set for myself, I've been putting in an extra effort for all of them and they have been seriously paying off. For the first time in a while I feel good, physically and mentally. I know that I was just really down on Friday, but it went away after that day. For me, that's progress, because I used to go weeks like that. I have started paying more attention to what I eat and to the vitamins I'm taking. I was curious if anyone knew anything about St. John's Wort? It's supposed to be a natural mood enhancer, but I don't want it to interfere with the antidepressants (which I would like to ween off of soon.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 For the past three weeks, I have had no interest in seeing what my ex is up to. Now tonight I'm getting this weird urge to check his Instagram. I guess a part of me is just curious to see if he's met someone. I know that I don't want to know if he has, and I know that because I have the urge to check tonight, that it's even more reason I shouldn't check. I do miss him from time to time. The missing him doesn't carry as much pain as it used to, but I guess now I just have this lingering curiosity. Link to post Share on other sites
Estylo Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 For the past three weeks, I have had no interest in seeing what my ex is up to. Now tonight I'm getting this weird urge to check his Instagram. I guess a part of me is just curious to see if he's met someone. I know that I don't want to know if he has, and I know that because I have the urge to check tonight, that it's even more reason I shouldn't check. I do miss him from time to time. The missing him doesn't carry as much pain as it used to, but I guess now I just have this lingering curiosity. I've just read this entire thread and I must say, you are going to overcome this obstacle a whole new person! (Stronger new person). This time last year I posted a thread in which I was going through a nasty breakup. I am 31 years old right now and I am very active in life. I dance for a living and teach martial arts (28 years of discipline)...so I am surrounded by many other artists. However, there are times you just want to shut yourself out for a little while and focus entirely on YOU. Just know that there are those times where having loved ones around you, will also enhance the power to control that "mind" of yours. Last year was so damn tough for me, I was in such a dark place that I didn't recognize myself at all...Interestingly enough I got over it (even having to perform with her). I ended up meeting someone out of no where....and I mean no where. However now I am going through this "break" in order for both of us to put our lives in motion before engaging a full relationship. Comes a time you have to bounce back some how no matter what it takes. So be selfish and focus everything bit of positive energy in you. Open yourself to the little things this world has to offer...I'm well traveled and experienced a lot of incredible people in my life. This ordeal will pass and you will actually laugh about it and understand that this was part of your life blue print....stay blessed and stay strong. Keep writing!! Estylo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Estylo Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 Just one more thing.. I take my dancing and artistry very serious and to be frank with you, I use these times to create. So much passion and emotions everywhere...what other way to express it through dancing and creating new things on that floor. Perhaps you could use this also to write on other lines aside from just the journals. I am sure thought or done so at some point. Just a thought Check out "Peaceful Warrior" Great movie/Book (Book is better of course) Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Thank you so much for the support, Estylo! I let the feeling pass last night and this morning I don't feel the urge to check on him. I'm doing much better this morning and am just going to keep pushing through it. I know that I will get past this, and I already feel that I've become a stronger person because of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 How do you let feelings pass? Would *LOVE* to have that skill! Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 How do you let feelings pass? Would *LOVE* to have that skill! It's a skill that I needed to develop, and I've found it so useful in dealing with things. I think the main problem that we all have after the breakup is the thoughts. We tend to over-analyze everything or think up new things or reasoning. It perpetuates the negative feelings and just ends up keeping us miserable for even longer. Our brain becomes our worst enemy in this situation. It's all about manipulating your brain and learning to control it. Whenever I find myself over-thinking, I decide to take a break and completely clear my mind. Stop the storytelling. The constant narration of WHO and WHAT and WHY and HOW. I just stop it. I shut my mind down and turn off all of the thoughts. I project myself to a place that relaxes me and then, when I'm ready, I come out of it and the feelings have usually passed. Of course it's temporary, but temporary is better than nothing... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 I downloaded an app for my phone called 'Cody,' where you basically log your workouts and see other people's workouts. Of course, it's a kind of social media which I was avoiding BUT, since nobody that I know uses it and my ex sure as hell does not use it, I decided it would be okay. It is also completely different than hearing about people's exciting lives, so I enjoy it. I also like it because it motivates me to work harder in the gym now that I'm logging it on this site. If I didn't have the gym, I don't think I would have made it through this summer. I basically let my body waste away over the winter while I was dealing with the breakup, but now I feel like I'm literally in the best shape of my life. I've gained 5 pounds, but I'm also only 10% body fat, which means I've put on some muscle. I definitely am looking a lot healthier, and my bikini fits perfectly. It's true that when you look better, you feel better. This is also one thing that I know I have up on my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 Thank you so much for your answer, it's really interesting. I'll try it. I've managed to do it for almost the first time today, in conversation. To just say "Nah not this topic again, let's talk this instead". I need to build myself a relaxing place of the mind... It's something you will need for so many things in life so it's actually quite a good tool to have handy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I've been waking up late at night every night, and every night I have this weird anxiety. Last night was the first night in a while that I haven't had it. I woke up last night, got myself some water, and as I was heading back to bed I realized that I hadn't thought about my ex the entire time I was up. It was a weird feeling. The past few days I've been having this urge to check his social media pages, but I haven't done it, and I'm glad that I haven't. The urge seems to have disappeared. Something weird happened though. My mom received a phone call from a blocked number. My ex's work cellphone is the only number that comes up on my phone as "Blocked," and my mom's first thought was that it was my ex. I do think that it could have been my ex. I have disappeared completely from social media sites, so it's possible that he was concerned. I'm not reading into it and I'm not going to let it set me back at all. I think that's progress. Before, I would have definitely spent a lot of time dwelling on it and in the end I probably would have contacted him about it. Now, I'm just letting it go... Link to post Share on other sites
Virgil876 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Keep at it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tinkerbelll Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Well done 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 Thank you both! I had my therapy appointment today, and I feel like a lot came to the surface. I found myself getting so angry at certain points, and started tearing up, too. I haven't cried or teared once while seeing this therapist, so it was weird but I felt okay about it. I still find that I have a lot of anger towards my ex for (what I consider) a lack of reciprocating what I did for him. Also, things that he said and did really damaged my self-esteem. I know that contacting him and bringing this anger up to him is not the correct way to deal with it, I just wonder what is? Does the anger kind of just fade over time? I also wanted some advice on what to do with this journaling. I'm down to single-digit days for the 30-day goals that I set, and I was wondering if I should continue journaling? I guess I do find it therapeutic, and I love when other people post in the thread and offer advice or tell me their thoughts or what they are going through, but could it also be perpetuating the feelings I'm having? Is journaling a form of catharsis that will keep me over-analyzing and caught up in the same old drama? Link to post Share on other sites
Tinkerbelll Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Well I think you should do what makes you feel better. I check it daily but I understand your concerns. Don't you think it would be a complete shift emotionally just posting for example in the personal well development section of the forum instead of this one? I think that you are doing a great work for yourself at the present, and you will appreciate the rewards of this soon, even though I sense that you are feeling so much better lately compared to the past! Did you buy the book I recommended you? That teached me a great lesson, that we have to stop blaming on others and start taking responsability for the things in our life in order to get happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Virgil876 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Yeah, do what is required, do what you have to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I check it daily but I understand your concerns. Don't you think it would be a complete shift emotionally just posting for example in the personal well development section of the forum instead of this one? I could do something like that instead, yeah. After the one month period is up, I plan to take the things that have helped and continue with them, and then create new goals. Maybe posting in the personal development section about those goals would be different, because it wouldn't feel break-up related? Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I was wondering if I should continue journaling? I guess I do find it therapeutic, and I love when other people post in the thread and offer advice or tell me their thoughts or what they are going through, but could it also be perpetuating the feelings I'm having? Is journaling a form of catharsis that will keep me over-analyzing and caught up in the same old drama? This is exactly what I was thinking. I have been doing this for a year. And I just keeping going back to my ex. I think this journaling causes "snowballing" which means obsessing over the same thought and making it bigger than it is. Same with talking about them all the time or checking to see if they are online or checking your phone to see if they called. This is something I need to work on. I need to stop talking about him, stop writing about him, stop checking to see if he is online and most of all stop expecting him to contact me. I have to let him go. And I think by letting him go physically (no journaling, no checking, no talking about him, no contact at all) that would be a good start. I have journaled my progress for over a year!! All I got out of it was some good rambling. It was therapeutic for a little bit, but didn't last long. It just made me realize how sad I was. I want to check out from LS for a little, but I love it here and the people are so supportive so it's a scary thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tinkerbelll Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Exactly Well I think you should do what makes you feel better. I check it daily but I understand your concerns. Don't you think it would be a complete shift emotionally just posting for example in the personal well development section of the forum instead of this one? I think that you are doing a great work for yourself at the present, and you will appreciate the rewards of this soon, even though I sense that you are feeling so much better lately compared to the past! Did you buy the book I recommended you? That teached me a great lesson, that we have to stop blaming on others and start taking responsability for the things in our life in order to get happy. I could do something like that instead, yeah. After the one month period is up, I plan to take the things that have helped and continue with them, and then create new goals. Maybe posting in the personal development section about those goals would be different, because it wouldn't feel break-up related? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 7, 2013 Author Share Posted August 7, 2013 With regards to my ex and the situation, I am feeling pretty good. I sometimes will think of him and miss him, but I realize that I have to let him go and while for the past few days I had the urge to check on him, that has faded. I don't feel like I need to speak to him anymore. The anger has kind of passed, for now, and I realize that I actually do want the best for him. I am just doing my best to put him and what he is doing out of my mind. One of the problems that I'm having right now is social anxiety. I feel like the relationship and the aftermath of the relationship did a number on my self-esteem. The relationship was not good for my self esteem. I don't put the blame on him for the things he did or said, I put it on myself for the way that I chose to handle it. While I'm trying to deal with it, it has resulted in social anxiety. Recently, I've been having trouble being out of my room for long periods of time. I try to make an effort to go out and do as much as I can in one day, but I usually have to take breaks between things and have some 'alone time' in my room, otherwise I begin to get upset and anxious. I don't know what the desire to isolate is all about. I think that it has to do with never feeling good enough. As I said, my self esteem took a beating in the relationship. I basically was made to feel like I wasn't 'cool enough,' and I then began to believe it. Now, I always feel that whatever I am engaging in is not good enough, so instead I choose to give up and just isolate myself. One of the goals that I had was to get out and do more, so I have been trying to do that. I try to meet up with friends and do different things whenever possible, it's just difficult because I always get this sort of pit in my stomach and I imagine that I am being watched and criticized by my ex. Am I the only one who has experienced this? Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I don't picture my ex criticising me, but when you're feeling low already and your ex leaves you because they are no longer into you, it doesn't do wonders for your self-esteem... I noticed that on "down days" I just don't feel like seeing people that I don't have 100% confidence with, etc. This is normal. But you have to fight it. Try to psych yourself up by telling yourself that you deserve a good day just as much as everyone else. Try to do exciting things with people that you're extremely comfortable with (rather than safe things with people that make you question yourself). Hugs! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 8, 2013 Author Share Posted August 8, 2013 It's just hard. I'm sick of the ups and the downs. I wish that I could stop thinking about him and stop caring about it all. It was so easy for him to let go and to stop caring, why is it so difficult for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Legatus Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Because you are ten million times better person than he is... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 The social anxiety is not about him though. He's no longer in your life. The thing in your thoughts that criticises you, is a little puff of thought that you've created and given his face, in order to torture yourself. It's very normal to have self-doubts and be harsh with oneself, especially if you're down. Try to recognise it as that. It's not really about him. He's out of your life and you probably haven't had any real contact with him in ages. Don't let yourself be ruined by an image of him that persists in your head. Let go of that for a while. It doesn't mean you didn't care about the relationship or him. Him, real him, is in the past and has already been there a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iouaname Posted August 8, 2013 Author Share Posted August 8, 2013 The social anxiety is not about him though. He's no longer in your life. The thing in your thoughts that criticises you, is a little puff of thought that you've created and given his face, in order to torture yourself. It's very normal to have self-doubts and be harsh with oneself, especially if you're down. Try to recognise it as that. It's not really about him. He's out of your life and you probably haven't had any real contact with him in ages. Don't let yourself be ruined by an image of him that persists in your head. Let go of that for a while. It doesn't mean you didn't care about the relationship or him. Him, real him, is in the past and has already been there a while. You're right that it is perpetuated by my own thoughts. It is a little bit about him, though, and the things that were said and done during the relationship and the breakup. I realize that I am misplacing my anger and anxiety onto him, though, when it is more me that I am angry at and disappointed in. For a while I thought that I was mad at him for cheating on me, lying to me, dumping me, and saying such unkind things about me. Honestly, though, I am mad at myself for putting up with it. I will never, ever let myself be treated like that again. Now I just wish that I could go back and correct the fact that I let him treat me like that Link to post Share on other sites
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