Strong Is Fighting ❤

[iouaname]

to add to that, before I went NC with my ex, he started developing a crush on some girl. It actually did not bother me that much. I guess they hung out at a bar one night and held hands and made out. Weirdly enough -- that doesn't bother me. What bothered me is the way he spoke about this girl to all of our mutual friends. One of the friends told him "not to break this one's heart" and his response was "as if I could break THIS one's heart. She's too pretty. If anything she'll break my heart." That was such a shot to the gut He talked so highly of her. I remember reading texts of his a long time ago that he sent to someone as we were first starting to get serious, where he said that he was more attractive than me (he's not ).

 

What is wrong with me? How did I allow myself to be treated like this? This guy talked badly about me, cheated on me, lied to me for months and months. He basically stomped on my self-esteem. And worse -- I allowed him to. It was like he learned all of his lessons about how not to treat people by hurting me and treating me like ****, and now he's going to be so much better for the next girl. And here I am, still hurting and still completely broken in the self-esteem department because of all of it.

[unexpectedlyhere]

You know, you say you still care about him, but I don't really see care. I see a lot of hurt, some regret, a lot of blaming yourself.

 

Take this as a positive. You're not down about him, not really. You're down about YOURSELF. And that's a first step up! Because you don't like it and want to be better. You're doing so many things to be better. Keep challenging yourself.

Look at the behaviours where you still struggle, try to understand why you do (BEYOND his influence on all this), try to force yourself to improve.

 

Don't blame yourself for being "still" unable to get over this. I think you're over the breakup. You're just not over how you feel about yourself yet. You don't want to be the wreckage. That is such a natural and healthy thing to feel.

 

I'm struggling with how to build on my self-confidence etc. too, and I was struggling with it A LOT whilst in a relationship. I know it's hard. I know I don't think I'm out of it yet, by a mile (or a hundred). But you should stop seeing it as a hungover of your breakup. Just see it as something you're working through for yourself. Ask for help along the way.

[iouaname]

Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't really care about him anymore. Honestly, a part of me is glad to not be attached to him anymore. I no longer have a boyfriend who has sent his naked pictures to literally every girl he knows. I know longer have a boyfriend who I have to constantly wonder about or constantly feel insecure around. So no, I don't miss him and I don't miss our relationship that much. I know, without a doubt, that I do not want him back.

 

I just want to feel like I have my dignity back. I regret the entire relationship, and even though I can say I learned from it and will never allow myself to be treated like that again, I just wish that I could correct it. I just hate that I allowed him to treat me like that and there are no consequences for him...

[iouaname]

It does help a little bit, because I relate to some of what you said. For instance, the part about why I acted the way that I acted. I believe that I've kind of gotten to the bottom of that in therapy. As I wrote in one of my earlier posts, I had a history of sexual abuse. After that, sex became something very difficult for me. I was not sexually active at all after those experiences until I met this guy, and it took me a long time to finally do the deed. It was really special to me and really important. I don't think it was quite as important to him.

 

Now - I don't really have the same aversion to sex anymore. BUT, I still feel like everything that I went through to open up to this man, tell him about what happened, and give myself to him was thrown in my face with this breakup. So it sucks, and I'm angry at myself. And now I've had to deal with those traumas all over again. So, it sucks.

 

Of course, I want to speak to him about it. I want to let him know how I feel about it, and I want to hope that he'll see where I'm coming from. I know that that isn't the way to handle it, though, so I won't be contacting him about it.

 

I know that I will not make the same mistakes again. But like you said, I sure wish I had an eraser

[iouaname]

Maybe it will happen for me again, who knows? I mean, I know that everyone always says "You will find someone else" to everyone - but honestly, that's not always the case. There really are people who never settle down. I know that I'm young, and I know it's cliche to say that you'll never find someone after a breakup, but I'm honestly not sure. I just have no idea what the future holds for my love life. Right now, I just know that I'm not ready to let someone in like that again.

 

The one thing I know about you is, that you are strong. And while I know you are struggling right now, I have no fear for you in the future. You are going to figure all this out..You have so much courage. If you can add self belief to that, aint nothing going to stop you. Onwards and upwards...

 

Thank you I appreciate that.

[iouaname]

I'm having a lot of trouble with no contact recently. I have been having the urge, occasionally, to check up on him and see what he's been up to, but I am usually able to just let that feeling pass since I know that seeing pictures will really hurt me. I'm just not there yet.

 

I've also had such mixed feelings about having contact with him. On the one hand, I am glad to have fallen off the radar as far as he and all of the people in my old life are concerned. On the other, I have a lot of anger towards him. I want to tell him about all the ways he hurt me, even though I know he doesn't care. And yet, still, I miss him and want to have him back in my life. I want to be back in his. I know I can't handle that, though. I also feel like boundaries were crossed after the breakup and I feel that letting him know I still want him in my life sends out a message that it was okay for him to cross those boundaries. I shouldn't WANT him in my life. He cheated, lied, dumped me, said unnecessarily cruel things about me... but for some reason, I feel some weird sort of incompleteness.

 

Ugh. So frustrating...

[iouaname]

So I'm closing in on the one month of goals that I set (5 days left!), and I've decided that I want to do it again next month because I love having something that I can do to distract myself when I'm feeling down.

 

Does anyone have any suggestion for new goals for the next 30 days? I'm low on ideas

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'm thinking of setting myself a goal of meeting at least one new person per week

[iouaname]

Everyone talks about reaching this point of 'indifference.' I guess it just seems like such a far-off goal. I am definitely doing better: I've got new hobbies, new friends, I've got control over my life back... but the thoughts of him seem to stick in the back of my head all day long, no matter what I'm doing. I know that he is indifferent towards me, but I just can't seem to feel the same. It's not the "I miss him and want him back" feeling, but I am still filled with emotion towards him. A lot of time, it's anger. Either way, it's not indifference, and I question whether I'll really ever get there? I question whether I'll ever get closure for myself or ever feel truly normal again...

[Legatus]

At some point you just stop thinking about whether you're thinking about him It's good that you're keeping yourself busy and that will help you get out of the dark side eventually.

 

Some kind of feelings will always stay. That's because they actually meant something for us, the made an impact at some point in our lives. They make an impression like we are indifferent to them but we don't know that, moreover we shouldn't care, and eventually we won't!

[iouaname]

I don't know, I feel like it has taken me a lot longer to come out of this than what is normal. I don't think that it's as much about him as it is about me and my own self-worth, but that doesn't change that I'm battling a miserable depression. The anxiety has lessened, but I still feel it in my stomach & chest when I go out and do things. Honestly, the difficulties that I'm having now were not worth the relationship. I regret it, and I just wish that I had never met him...

[Legatus]

I had something similar. Every single time I caught myself thinking about how I wasted one and a half a year of my life for such a meaningless conclusion in the end. I thought it was not worth it, I thought I wished it never happened, never met her, never talked to her almost two years ago..

 

First thing that helped me was to get my life on track and do things that I didn't manage to do while I was with her. Now I'm feeling like I'm catching up the lost time. And regrets? Well in the end it could have been 15 years, but was only 1.5. I'm trying to find positive in everything.

 

You're saying you still feel "weird" when you go out. But the point is that you do, which is a good thing. Keep pushing, making yourself stronger every day.

 

Sometimes I think it's all just about finding the right recipe. Recipe to survive, manage, cope.. We all are just a bunch of cooks looking for a right recipe

Edited August 10, 2013 by Legatus

[Echo000]

I don't know, I feel like it has taken me a lot longer to come out of this than what is normal. I don't think that it's as much about him as it is about me and my own self-worth, but that doesn't change that I'm battling a miserable depression. The anxiety has lessened, but I still feel it in my stomach & chest when I go out and do things. Honestly, the difficulties that I'm having now were not worth the relationship. I regret it, and I just wish that I had never met him...

 

 

i feel the same way you do. This depression is a nightmare..the low has become so much lower than the highest moments during good times. This is awful..feels life threatening. I can relate to you..what hurts the most is that she seems OVERLY obsessed/involved in the relationship, yet when we finally broke up for good it was as if she never gave a sh**. What also hurts so deeply is that she is completely oblivious- she may feel some discomfort over it, but she isnt dying like i am. So dramatic but i feel absolute misery. Its like this pain will never go away. This is my second stint at NC, this time knowing i wont ever be in contact with her again. Been a little over a month this go around (4 months NC last time), and i feel WORSE than ever.

[iouaname]

I know, it's hard Sometimes I still get really angry, and it bothers me that he's just going to 'get away' with all of the things he did that hurt me. I have so many ups and downs, and it's weird because the downs feel like they will last forever and the ups always feel so temporary.

 

Today I'm feeling okay. I'm going hiking with a friend this morning and then we are having my mom's birthday dinner tonight. I'm working out what my goals for the next 30 days will be. I just need to keep myself distracted!

[iouaname]

So today has actually been really great so far! I went for that hike with the friend this morning and it was absolutely beautiful. Then we had some lunch and watched a movie. After she left, I realized that I hadn't really thought about my ex that much all morning. After, I did some Yoga and relaxed a bit, and then had dinner for my mother's birthday. Later I have an appointment for a waxing and then I am doing one of my roommate's from school a favor and editing a paper for her.

 

Right now, I'm just thinking about what my goals for next month are going to be. Certain ones I am sort of just transitioning into something else and looking at them as a progression into something else:

 

Meditation ----> Yoga. I do both of them now, as it is, so I'm going to continue doing them together but I am going to try to do more serious Yoga sessions.

 

Vitamins ---> No Caffeine. Since I have made taking my vitamins and antidepressants a routine, I'm going to translate this one into a nutrition goal and cut off caffeine for one month. Caffeine increases anxiety and just overall makes me feel crappy.

 

Exercise ---> Breakfast. This is also kind of under the body/weight one. I need to start making eating breakfast a regular habit, and so I am going to try to do a healthy breakfast each morning for the next thirty days.

 

Rerenovating Room ---> School. Since I finished my room at home, my new project is going to be my room at school! I have two weeks here and then I go back to school, so for the first two weeks I am going to make a checklist of everything that I need for school and get it in my free time, and then when I get down there I am going to make sure that I get myself settled in well.

 

No Contact ---> No Chasing. I realized through this breakup that I have the tendency to put in more effort than other people when it comes to any kind of relationship, and it leaves me feeling really unsatisfied. On the flip side, I've noticed that when I don't initiate with people, they often initiate with me and it feels more genuine for me. So for the next month, I am doing what I normally do, except I am not going to chase people. I am going to let people come to me to talk, make plans, etc. and see who sticks in my life.

 

I'm kind of at a loss for the other ones =/

 

Journaling ---> ?

Going Out More ---> ?

No Social Media ---> ?

Reading ---> ?

Pampering ---> ?

 

Any suggestions??

[Legatus]

From what I can see you're doing pretty good job with Journaling, as far as this forum is considered : )

 

How is "going out more" progressing? Do you mean just going out for a date with new men or just days/nights out in general?

[unexpectedlyhere]

Why not keep some goals the same if they're working? I do like how some evolve and you have given real thought about what's behind them in making them evolve from one thing to the other, but they don't all need to

[iouaname]

From what I can see you're doing pretty good job with Journaling, as far as this forum is considered : )

 

How is "going out more" progressing? Do you mean just going out for a date with new men or just days/nights out in general?

 

My goal of "going out" was just to get outside more and to do more out of the house.

 

I'm not really looking to date. I have been completely uninterested in all of the guys that I've seen since the breakup, and it ends up being more of a hassle to go out with these guys and then figure out how to end things.

[iouaname]

Why not keep some goals the same if they're working? I do like how some evolve and you have given real thought about what's behind them in making them evolve from one thing to the other, but they don't all need to

 

Well I plan to keep going with the goals that I have already done. Instead of making them goals though, I just want them to be things that I do habitually instead of things that I force myself to do I feel like two months of the same goal might make me lose interest in the thing all-together. So instead, I'm just trying to transfigure the goal into something similar.

 

I'll figure it out.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Saw this and thought you may find it interesting to get yourself new hobbies and goals!

 

10 Simple, Science-Backed Ways To Be Happier Today | Fast Company | Business + Innovation

[iouaname]

The past two days have been really great. I kept myself really busy with things I really enjoyed and was feeling really good. This morning I woke up a little bit with some anxiety. The no contact has been going really well for me, but I guess the feeling that he's gone for good is sort of creeping in and making me panic a little bit (even though it's ultimately what I want).

 

I'm going to throw myself into my goals since I only have 2 days of that left, and hopefully that will distract me long enough to let the feelings pass.

[iouaname]

So today is officially the last day of my thirty day goals!

 

I have stuck to and completed all of them, so today I'm feeling really good. I have this feeling of confidence and I'm very proud of myself.

 

Today will also be my last day of journaling which I'm both happy and sad about. It's been a great way to express myself through these thirty days, but I think that it's time to let go of the old issues and just focus on the new life I am creating for myself.

 

Overall I am feeling really good and happy. I know that I will continue to have ups and downs, but I feel like I've learned how to handle them so much better and I feel like this past month has been a huge learning experience for me. I feel like a much stronger and better person, and I'm excited to carry that into my life from now on.

[Tinkerbelll]

Congratulations