Strong Is Fighting ❤

[LostGirl11]

Things are still going pretty well for me overall. I have my ups and downs during the day, but nothing like the way I used to be. I'm reading a really great book right now called You Are Not So Smart. It's not about breakups or coping with anything, but it's about the human brain and how humans think certain things that studies show not to be true. It talks about re-wiring your brain to think certain ways, etc. It's actually been super helpful to me for where I'm at, and the one thing I wanted to write about today was something that I learned from the book:

 

"... venting will not dissipate the negative energy. It will, however, feel great. That's the thing. Catharsis will make you feel good, but it's an emotional hamster wheel. The emotion that led you to catharsis will still be there afterward, and if the catharsis made you feel good, you'll seek that emotion out in the future."

 

This was really interesting, but I've noticed the truth in it. When I used to feel angry or upset, I would vent those feelings. When I was angry I would lash out (I have a punching bag at home), and when I was sad I would come here and vent those feelings. Both of those always felt good, and so then I began doing them more and more often. These past few weeks, I've been feeling great. I don't come here to vent so much as write about my experiences and what I'm learning, and I've noticed that it has directly improved my mood.

 

So a lesson for myself in the future: Don't vent. Whenever I get angry or upset, I need to take time to remove myself from that situation and then come back around to it once the anger has faded. It's all about re-training your brain about how to react to different stimuli.

 

Do you fancy donating this book when you're finished with it?

[iouaname]

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I take a Benadryl every night to help me fall asleep and STAY asleep. In the beginning I would always wake up with anxiety and I couldn't stay asleep. It was frustrating and my heart was heavy. Once I started taking Benadryl, nights have been a breeze. If you don't want to take Benadryl, try Melatonin. Same effect. Give it a try at least. It really helped for me.

 

I actually do take Melatonin tablets, but I have sleeping pills prescribed to me by my doctor. They usually knock me out and keep me asleep all night. I have the weirdest dreams on them, too. For whatever reason, I just couldn't sleep last night. I think I was just too anxious.

[iouaname]

Do you fancy donating this book when you're finished with it?

 

Sure! But my mom and my sister both called dibs on it

[iouaname]

I'm still feeling in a little bit of a slump. I don't know whether I'm lacking motivation lately or just feeling depressed, but I feel so drained of energy and I am not getting to all of my goals as much as I'd like.

 

I feel like I am getting better at dismissing my thoughts and not dwelling on them, but I still think about him a lot. It's always something different. Today I spent a lot of time thinking about the cheating and so that definitely put a damper on my mood.

 

I have my weekly appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Just trying to keep busy...

[iouaname]

Having trouble sleeping again It's 4:30am here.

 

It's weird, I kind of can't remember how I used to feel about him. All of the bad feelings between us have sort of drowned out all of the good. I can't remember the warm feelings I used to have for him. In a way, that's good. In another way, it's sad. I worry that I won't ever find that again. It's also weird to think about him being with someone else. It's just hard to imagine. I know that it will happen, though, so I completely avoid any form of communication with him or knowledge of what he's doing so that I won't have to know when it does happen.

[youngnlove89]

Tough night for me too. You aren't alone :-( 3am here.

[thefooloftheyear]

Having trouble sleeping again It's 4:30am here.

 

It's weird, I kind of can't remember how I used to feel about him. All of the bad feelings between us have sort of drowned out all of the good. I can't remember the warm feelings I used to have for him. In a way, that's good. In another way, it's sad. I worry that I won't ever find that again. It's also weird to think about him being with someone else. It's just hard to imagine. I know that it will happen, though, so I completely avoid any form of communication with him or knowledge of what he's doing so that I won't have to know when it does happen.

 

Hang in there....

 

Sounds like you are close...When you truly dont care, then you will have reached your destination.

 

Just remember one thing, and I am sure you have heard it all....This person cannot control you..You were fine before he entered your life..Get back to that place...Also, just focus on yourself and if you have a close relationship with your family(I do), give them all this unplaced love that you reserved for the lost SO..They will appreciate it and return it in spades.

 

You will get there...I have...Its a great feeling..

 

TFY

[Legatus]

I had a little "blue" day on Sunday.. a lot of good music constantly, helped me to go back on track.

 

You girls are doing great!

 

@iouaname it is hard. I saw my ex with new bf two weeks after break up (she cheated with him anyway so I figured they'd be together), but few weeks back I was torn apart by the thoughts of her being with someone else.

 

But in the end they are not our problems anymore and we will find new people to create new memories. Cutting contact and knowledge sources is a good way to go.

[iouaname]

Thank you all for the support! I am feeling a little better today. I remember that when I used to have these kinds of nights, I would check his social media pages just to see what he was up to, or to feel like he wasn't completely gone. Last night, I didn't do that. I didn't even want to, so I feel like that is progress.

[Legatus]

It certainly is! I have been NC for three weeks now and apart from occasional thoughts and 'blue' days, I feel great.

 

Progress feels goooooooooooooooood!

[iouaname]

So I am half-way through the 30 days :bunny:Originally I had eleven goals that I was working towards, but cut it down to 10 because I realized that I was stressing myself out more with certain goals than I should have been, considering that this was supposed to be helping me feel better. I wrote about the goals in the original post but I wanted to update about where I am now that I only have 15 days left of them.

 

Meditation -- I have enjoyed this one so much. Sometimes it's hard to carve out time for it, but I love when I am able to meditate. It feels good to just be able to isolate myself, put on some relaxing music and just calm myself. I'm not great at sitting and clearing my mind, so instead I decided to incorporate stretching into my meditation and it has turned into Yoga, basically. Which has made me realize that I really like Yoga I got myself a little guide on Yoga stretches for beginners and am going to start incorporating that into my routine. I definitely recommend this to anyone struggling with anxiety. It's so calming and it has long-term benefit, too. I feel better for a while after I do it, and sometimes I feel good just knowing that I have it to look forward to.

 

Vitamins -- I make it a habit to take a vitamin each day, along with my antidepressant. Since I started taking the antidepressant regularly (I was doing a terrible job at keeping up with it ), I have been able to go from 150mg a day to 100mg a day. That's progress! I'm hoping that I'll be able to get off of it soon. A few months ago, I was taking ALL of the vitamins that I had each day, and was having bad side affects which I recently found out was serotonin poisoning, which I didn't even know was a thing. So now I alternate and just take one a day. It seems like a silly goal, but I'm so forgetful and so if I don't mark it down, I'll forget to take them. I'm hoping that doing it every day for a month will just make it a habit.

 

Exercise -- I really let myself go after the breakup, but I've pulled myself together and have been going to the gym about four days a week. I am officially half-way towards my goal size. I do a pretty basic routine, but the results have been amazing so far. I feel so much more confident about my body and other people have begun noticing the results, too. I need to make it a point to continue going to the gym once school starts. I don't want to let all of the hard work be for nothing.

 

Journaling -- I've made it a point to check in each night in this thread just to update about how I'm doing. I find it therapeutic, for sure. It also is good to be able to track my progress. I'm just not sure if it's something I want to continue after I finish my first set of thirty-day goals. I feel like it could get to the point where I over-analyze.

 

Getting Out -- Depression causes a really vicious cycle where you feel depressed, so you isolate yourself from people, and then you feel isolated so you get depressed. One of my goals was to try to make it a point to get outside more, but I just adjusted it to 'getting out' more meaning that I was socializing a bit more. I have made it a point to go out more with people whenever I have the opportunity. I went out to a bar with a friend a few weeks ago that was very different from what I am used to. I've gone out to movies, drinks and lunches with friends more often, and have spent a lot more time with my family. It has helped a little bit. I still compare what I am doing with what my ex might be doing, but I am working through that and focusing on just being happy with what I am doing.

 

Rerenovating Room -- This one has sucked up all of my free time but it is coming along nicely! The walls are painted and the wood floors are put in and I've been jumping from store to store each day to get new stuff for decorating. I put myself on a time frame to get it done, so I have fifteen days to finalize the decorating, which is more than enough time. I can not wait for it to be finished so I can just enjoy it

 

No Contact -- Simple. I miss him sometimes but have not broken it and do not even feel the urge to. I don't even look at his social media sites anymore. I'm hoping that after a month it will be more instinctual and I won't even think or care about doing it.

 

No Social Media -- This has reduced my anxiety almost completely. No more comparing myself to other people, no more having to see how great everyone's life is and no more having to put on a show or feeling like I'm under the microscope. I thought that I would go back to it when the month was over but I actually don't think I will. I just don't feel the need for it anymore. Anyone who wants to be in touch with me can get in touch with me and be a part of my life, I don't need to put it on social media sites so people can see it.

 

Reading -- I had two books that I wanted to finish this month. The first one is called You Are Not So Smart which I have journaled about a little bit. That one is mostly about retraining your brain, which has been good for me. I finished that one, and the second one is coincidentally a book that my ex got me a long time ago about natural remedies for fighting Anxiety & Depression.

 

Shopping/Pampering -- This one has not been that hard ^_^ I have to be careful because I end up spending too much money, but in the past fifteen days I have gotten a massage, pedicure, haircut, waxing, manicure, and some new clothes. I honestly feel like I have never looked better. It's such a confidence booster to go out every day looking my best.

 

Anyway, that's the update! All of these have helped me so much, and I'm hoping that they'll stick with me and become habits after the one month.

[Tinkerbelll]

Thank you so much for posting this thread, I read it daily and it gave me a lot of hints I could use as well.

I hit the gym in the past as well, and since I wanted to get the best results I hired a personal trainer two times per week. He is such a motivated and caring guy who helped me a lot phisically and emotionally, sometimes that hour spent together was the only good thing I could count in the day!

This was in the past, when I was so depressed I couldn't eat anything for months...Now I am definetely better, and I am still enjoying the benefits of that training since I don't exercise anymore. I also gained some weight and I really like my body now

I also appreciated the yoga and meditating goal, I would like to make yoga with other people though, and make it social! I 've never been able to meditate on the other hand, I just cannot force my self to do it. It's like that I tend to be hyperactive all the time just to never be alone with my soul.

Thank you also for the goal "not social media", I share your thoughts about that and this had helped me a lot!

Can I suggest you the Tony Robbins books ( especially Awake the giant within)or audiotapes, they have really made a difference in mylife, there' s a lot of good stuff in there.

Ok, have a good day and keep posting please

[iouaname]

Aw, I'm so glad that I can help! I will look into the audiobooks you suggested. I'm willing to try anything, at this point. I'm also considering a personal trainer. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm doing in the gym, but it would be good to have that extra motivation.

 

 

 

I can't sleep again tonight I don't know what the deal is. I'm not having anxiety or feeling sad tonight, though. I'm feeling good, actually. I just wish that I could sleep

[iouaname]

I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to get up out of bed at around 6am this morning and go to the gym. I figured that lying in bed for too long would just make me start over thinking. I had a great workout, then spent some time in the sauna just relaxing. I showered, got some breakfast, and headed up to work (I work mornings in the same gym). I feel so good today because of it. Maybe I should start making a routine of it?

 

I am just trying my hardest to keep myself distracted. I work until noon and then I'm going to try to catch up on some sleep, and then I'm going out for drinks on a patio with a girlfriend.

 

Ex who?

[iouaname]

It's crazy how many ups and downs I can feel in one day. I felt terrible in the early hours this morning, and then great, and then terrible again, and then good... it just fluctuates so much.

 

I am feeling okay right now. I am trying not to focus on it too much, but I really wonder if I'll ever meet someone. I don't want to NEED to meet someone, and I know that I'm young and that there's plenty of time, but I feel like I'm so difficult to connect with like that. I'm very reserved when it comes to dating and it's not something I want to change because I feel like it keeps my standards high. I just don't know if anyone will ever meet them again. I don't know if I'll ever feel good giving my heart to someone again. It makes me sad to think of what I could have had but won't have, and it makes me anxious to think that I might not have it again.

 

I'm heading to bed now. Hopefully this night will be better than the last two...

[iouaname]

I never used to believe that no contact was necessary. I think about the things that I'm upset about right now, and I realize that all of them occurred after the breakup. I can barely remember things from around the time we broke up. If I had stuck to no contact from the beginning, I probably wouldn't have things to be upset about. Things are much easier now that I am complete no contact. Not speaking to him or the mutual friends means that I can't have things said to me/about me for me to be upset about. Not looking at his social media sites means that there is no anxiety for me whenever I see new pictures of him. It's like he does not exist anywhere other than my mind. It feels so much better.

 

I can truly say this is one of those experiences that I've learned so much from. Strict, no-nonsense no-contact really is the way to go. You preserve your sanity and dignity with it.

[iouaname]

I'm not feeling so great today. I'm tired of not feeling so great. There's nothing happening, and there's nothing going on that should make me feel bad, but I do.

 

Is there anyone who can honestly tell me that this pain ends? Not for moments. Not for a day. But for good?

[youngnlove89]

I'm not feeling so great today. I'm tired of not feeling so great. There's nothing happening, and there's nothing going on that should make me feel bad, but I do.

 

Is there anyone who can honestly tell me that this pain ends? Not for moments. Not for a day. But for good?

 

Yes. I can tell you it will end. I am going through my recent break up now, but my ex before this ex, I was heartbroken over for a LONG time. I thought it would never end. He cheated on me and I was miserable. I literally thought I could never love again. I couldn't envision it. I didn't want too. But then one day, subtly, I had realized he wasn't on my mind anymore and I was happy. I had reached indifference. I still thought about him here and there, but there were no feelings attached. I had moved on.

 

And I was wrong about not loving again. I met someone else. I had loved even more than I could imagine. I didn't want my ex back, ever. I had no intentions of being a friend either because I just didn't care. I was happy again...and with someone else.

 

This is your first breakup. You can't see that because you haven't been here before. But you will move on. I promise you that.

 

But don't focus on it. Don't make yourself move on. You can't. (of course there are things to help you move on) You just have to take it one day at a time. It took me almost 2 years to get over the ex before this one. Doesn't mean it will take that much time for you. Everyone is different. Those 2 years weren't miserable or wasted. I was happy and every day got easier and more bearable. When I say it took me two years to get over him, I mean to let go of the hope of him coming back. It took me two years to know that if he were to come back, I would say "hell no!"

 

I know you will get over this guy. It's part of the process. You will eventually heal.

[youngnlove89]

I must add...the reason why it took me 2 years to get over him is because one year we had kept in touch and I, the dumpee, had expectations. I thought when he called/texted it meant he still loved me and wanted me back. WRONG. It was just breadcrumbs. I didn't see that at the time.

 

When we finally went NC and he didn't contact and neither did I, that is when the healing began.

 

So you are on the right track! Stay NC.

[iouaname]

Yeah, that is kind of what happened with me. I really thought we would get back together, and so I didn't follow the advice that I should have followed. I don't expect to ever hear from him again, it seems pretty clear to me that he is moving on without me, and I'm certainly not going to be reaching out to him.

 

I appreciate the reassurance. It definitely does not feel like I will ever be able to be in another relationship, but I'm trying to just focus on the 'right now.'

[iouaname]

I want to go away. I just want to get a way for a while. I want to go someplace new, someplace that I've never been before and spend some time there. I want to just be alone - to be isolated and be able to focus on myself. I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like I can't escape who I am, or these feelings that I have. The people around me feel so repetitive, and I just want to escape them.

 

I have been suicidal before. This isn't something that I share often, but I was sexually abused as a child and after that, I put up walls. I have always been told that I was attractive, and I have always had men hitting on me. I know that I'm attractive, honestly. I have had many opportunities, but kept a wall up until I was 20. That's when I met him. We were friends before that, but the feelings developed and I fell in love with him. He didn't know about the abuse. Nobody did. He sensed there was something, though. For months he asked me to tell him what it was that was keeping me so distant. Finally, one night, he was holding me and I broke down and told him. He held me in his arms and I poured my heart out. I told him everything. That night was the biggest mistake of my life.

 

He told me that he would help me through it. I don't know... maybe I should have taken his advice back then, but I didn't. Instead, I let all of my walls down and let myself become emotionally dependent on this man. And then, he left me. He claimed it was the distance, but the distance had always been there. He claimed it was work, but I don't believe that either. I think it was the emotional baggage I carried from the abuse. He left me. For a long time I was angry at him for it. How could he leave me? And of course, after he left, I found myself in the darkest place of my life, having to deal with the fact that all of my natural defenses that I had developed after the abuse had been taken down, but now, he wasn't there. That's when I became suicidal. The times that I would entertain suicide, I would actually feel better. I would feel like there was a way out. Things would get better for a little while, but then that would fade. I tried to talk to people about it. Eventually, they talked to my ex. He told me that he would feel responsible and it would ruin his life and my families'. He was right. I couldn't kill myself because it would ruin everyone else's lives. How selfish of me. Just because I am in pain, that doesn't give me a right to ruin other people's lives. That made me angry. I felt trapped in a life that I didn't want.

 

It's been such a long time since the abuse but it still haunts me. I'm 22 years old and I'm not enjoying my life at all. I don't want a relationship again. I don't want friends anymore. As much as I love my friends and family - they feel like a burden to me. I know how awful that sounds, but having someone that cares about me right now makes me feel so trapped.

 

 

 

I don't know what the purpose of this was. Just to get it out, I guess.

[youngnlove89]

This breaks my heart and I didn't think it could break anymore.

 

Gosh, I wish I could be there for you right now. Take a walk. Get some coffee. Enjoy the beautiful sun. Sit. Let you talk your heart out. Listen. Hug you. Be there because right now, even though you want to be alone, you really need someone.

 

I have been exactly where you are. And sometimes I still get a visit from those demons. The person that keeps me here is my mother. I love her too much to let her go. I would never be able to break her heart like that. It's important in these dark times to think of your loved ones. They are your light when it's dark. Talk to them, they will listen. If you can't talk to them, talk to me. I will listen every time and respond as quickly as possible. You are more than welcome to call me.

 

I know you are a writer like me, so write. Write till no more words come to mind. Read a book that takes you to a different life. Turn on Eat, Pray, Love. Beautiful movie. Inspiring. Open the blinds, let the sun in. Splurge on a dessert. Listen to a happy song. Focus on the beautiful things. I know it's hard not to get caught up in the questions...the how's and the why's.

 

Those answers will never come. The unknown is scary. Embrace your fear. Look it in the eye and say you aren't afraid anymore. Welcome it.

 

Some links that have helped me and that have some really good quotes:

 

How to live in the present

Elizabeth Gilbert Quotes (Author of Eat, Pray, Love)

 

One of my favorite quotes for the Eat pray love book is:

 

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

 

I'm here for you.

[iouaname]

Gosh, I wish I could be there for you right now. Take a walk. Get some coffee. Enjoy the beautiful sun. Sit. Let you talk your heart out. Listen. Hug you. Be there because right now, even though you want to be alone, you really need someone.

 

Aw, that's sweet. That would be fun. I know that I need people, but at the same time, I've been let down so much that I don't want to have to rely on people. I just want to separate. Rely on me.

 

 

Those links were great, thank you so much! I read a little about your rape and that experience. I'm so sorry, that must have been traumatic and I know how much of a role that sort of thing can play in relationships with men later in life. My relationship with my own father has been affected by it. Not because he did anything wrong, but because it's a tough thing to go through.

 

I have spent my whole life developing coping mechanisms for the times that those traumatic experiences have flooded back. Now, I need to figure them out again...

[iouaname]

I am very sad reading this and feel well sh%^ty for us falling out the other day iouaname. Just goes to show you have no idea what is going on in others peoples lives. I am not going to harp on about Therapy..I'm sure you have heard all that before and I just don't feel in this instance that kind of advice is very helpful..

 

No, don't! Don't get me wrong. Despite everything I am going through, I am still a bit of a firecracker. I am opinionated and I get aggressive and I sometimes feel the need to defend myself. In the thread, I felt as though people thought I was some sort of 'crazy bitch' who justified her actions with that quote, which wasn't the case. It was just a miscommunication. Regardless, I appreciate all of your advice and tough love and it would help me a lot to get your advice. I can handle the tough love

 

As for therapy, I am in therapy. I have been in therapy several times, and I'm currently on medication for anxiety and depression.

 

I also love your suggestions. Unfortunately, I'm not able to do them quite as suggested. Money and time are both an issue, simply because I am a working college student. I think you are right though, I DEFINITELY need to get away for a little while. You're right about Young as well, the two of us get on pretty well and we've started texting and checking in on each other. She's a sweetheart!

 

 

Don't quit on me now iouname....We need to get that Teddy back together..

 

There will be no quitting. I'm not a quitter. Even in the moments I have wanted to quit, I've kept going. I'm getting exhausted and I just don't want to deal with the pain anymore... but I'll keep going.

 

I think most of all, I need someone to believe in me. I let my ex get so close and I feel like he saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. Then when he left, it felt like he stopped believing in me. I don't know... it's hard to explain. But I'm not quitting. Not me.

[iouaname]

I'm feeling good again today. Meditating was one of my goals for the month but I was having such trouble doing it, so I downloaded an app for my phone that was a guided meditation. Basically, it talks you through the meditation and helps you to relax and focus. It offers a morning meditation, a night meditation, an energy boosting meditation and a centering meditation. I did the morning one and I honestly have felt great since doing it. I have also been doing Yoga every day now, and every day I add a new position to the sequence.

 

I want to get into the habit of meditating and doing Yoga even after the thirty days are up. It really does help me to rid myself of anxiety.

 

I am going to a BBQ today and am just going to take it easy. I tend to dread the weekends, specifically Friday & Saturday, but it's getting to the point where they aren't so bad anymore!