unusual situation...

[beautiful_oblivion]

hi there- i have, what I consider, to be an unusual situation in my relationship. I suppose it would be under "jealousy," although I'm not quite sure.

 

 

I've dated my boyfriend for almost two years now. I've recently begun this new trend of obsessing over his past. I've read threads about obsessing over a boyfriend's ex, and although I am guilty of that, I find it odd that I'm only concerened with old photos...old experiences with them, as if I wish I were a third party in their past relationship, viewing everything un-objectionably. He is guilty of making his ex an annoying part of our relationship, and I blame that a lot for the reason i'm so weird....but it just seems like something nobody has covered yet topic wise.

 

 

I say not quite jealousy, because I really don't feel jealous....and even if I did see old photos, old prom pictures, old whatever.....I think i would look on in longing, not hurt. what IS this exactly?

 

 

Is this some kind of past fulfillment that I'm trying to acheive through my boyfriend? Some kind of crazy void that I'm missing in my life, that I'm trying to acheive through my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend? I feel like I should just ask him if I could look through an old photo album or year-book....but if he asked the same of me, I would feel curious....why should one be so curious about the past when there's the future to look foward to?

 

 

I'm just looking for some insight here, even someone to just be like, "yo i know how you feel."

thanks a bunch.

- j.

[Vitruvius]

Hi beautiful_oblivion.

 

Yours is a very interesting question. Personally, based on your description of your feelings, I don't think you are being jealous of his ex. I think you are only desiring to live vicariously through this ex because you wish you had met your BF at the time he had known the ex. Not because you want to replace or compete with the ex in his past, but because you love your BF and wish you had known him way, way before you met him.

 

As for your wanting to look thru his yearbook or album or his looking thru yours, there is nothing wrong with being curious about each other's past because the events of your lives are interesting parts of your personal histories and reflect what you used to be like as long as the person looking through the yearbook or album understands that his/her partner is nothing like the person within anymore, although they can help bring understanding of where the person came from. Plus, yearbooks and picture albums serve as mere occasional reminders of one's past or history and the lessons learned from the past events. This is why I believe that there is nothing wrong with keeping a few pictures of one's ex(es) and the partner/spouse need not become irrationally jealous of a few pictures or momentos sitting inertly in dusty shoeboxes or albums just because they see them as "symbols" of their past relationships like their wedding rings are symbols of their current love/marriage. I mean, come on! They're just pieces of old paper much as the rings are mere pieces of metal; the latter merely serve as reminders to themselves and others of their marriage, nothing more (besides they don't need to wear rings to prove their love for each other anyway and these rings/photos will last far, far shorter than their love for each other, supposedly). So what if the exes in those pictures mean something to their respective current "significant others"? They are just a part of their respective pasts and they have a right to keep pictures to help them remember their own past and fondly look back on their freedom as a bachelor(ette) with a chuckle and analyze their own pasts in relation to their presents. Let the other have his/her own private thoughts and his/her pictures/momentos, since he/she has a right to personal privacy (and those thoughts don't concern the SO/partner/spouse, anyway) and to keep whatever personal belongings he/she wants to keep; they are not theirs to throw them away and it is not their rightful place to force them to do so, unless it is objectively obvious that they are obsessing over those exes. After all, it's not as if the exes in the pictures are gonna jump clear out of the photos and steal the partner/spouse away from him/her, any more than the people in the porn movies or pictures will do the same (assuming that he/she watches or looks at porn), right?

 

That said, if I were you, I wouldn't ask to look at his yearbook or album because I wouldn't dream of invading his privacy to which he is entitled. Rather, I'd wait until he invites me to look through them with him, then we will be able to freely and openly discuss his past while looking at every picture or momento without him feeling defensive and abnormally secretive. When you get a chance, go rent or buy the 1990 movie "Stella" starring Bette Midler, John Goodman, Trini Alvarado, and Stephen Collins, if you haven't already seen it. It contains a scene with Miss Midler going through her old picture album with her then-current BF played by Mr. Collins and the latter doesn't feel threatened at all by her previous exes in the pictures---in fact, they share a few laughs at their (the exes') expense. The whole movie is excellent---a real heartwarmer!!! Having watched it so many times, I consider it one of the 1980s/90s classics!!!

 

The foregoing is my own opinion and I'm not asking you to agree with me, okay.

[beautiful_oblivion]

I really do thank you for your heart felt response.

 

I understand everything more clearly now, and do see my actions and longings as an invasion of his privacy. Hopefully he'll show me, and fill me in on his past when he's ready....and hopefully by then i'll be more mature as well, and won't harbor any lingering feelings over silly photographs. I feel like if he let me in on his past now, all I'd do is wish that it were me, instead of seeing things as they really are.....

 

....that those photos and stories are of a time and place that neither of us will ever know again, and no amount of wishful thinking will change things that were or are. It's hard for me to grasp that, but I feel more confident hearing it from a third (or I guess second?) party.

 

I'm also gonna check out that movie....sounds like a lot of fun and something that I hopefully will be able to do in the future.

 

For now though....I'm gonna put away the pictures I have....both in hard copy and in my mind, of things in his life that "were" but will never be again.

 

Thanks so much!

 

-j.