About to lose it with dad!

[zoomaj1055]

Long story short.... My father has recently become a religious fanatic ( don't misunderstand, I too believe in the Lord and am a Christian) however, he has totally ignored his children (we are all grown with children) and grandchildren and he has commented that the church is his family. He quit his job for the church..to work on the board etc., and spends every spare moment there. He knows nothing about us even though we all live in the same area. He remarried last month and he and his new wife are living in my grandparents house where he overlooks my elderly grandfather. My grandmother passed away this past year and after her death, he moved in with my grandfather. My grandfather, despite his 87 years, is in extremely good health and has a sharp mind, he still drives, etc..,

Since the wedding last month, my father and his new wife, have totally emptied my grandparents home and donated all personal items of my grandmothers to their church. I won't get into all the other things they have done, but the straw that has broke me is that none of us children (grandchildren) were told of the selling of my grandmothers items but we did find out when it was listed in the church bulletin that he has sent to us. We went to this rummage sale and I purchased photographs in frames of me, my brother, my sister, and my dead grandmother for .75! I am appalled that someone could do this. They had even taken Hallmark cards that my grandparents had given one another throughout the years with personal writings in them to the sale. I purchased those as well. There was so much stuff that I couldn't possibly buy it all but can't seem to put the anger in its place.

All of us, my brother, my sister and myself have been good to my dad and his new wife, we are all successful and respectful people...not children to be ashamed of, I guess I'm trying to say. What is wrong with him? Has he completely lost his mind?

[Moose]

Did you Father have permission to do all of this? If he's ignoring you, you should take the Scriptures and study them to understand better what he's doing. It seems a little over board, and I think he's taking things to the extreme.

 

Even though he's supossed to be willing to sell all of his possesions and follow Christ, it doesn't mean he has to. If he's ignoring his children, there are Scripture saying that he shouldn't. I'm not suggesting that you use the Scriptures to better your cause and go against your dad, but it will help you to understand more about what he's doing and perhaps will give you the knowledge on how to deal with this spiritually.

[zoomaj1055]

Permission from who? My grandfather asked that he not get rid of things and he told him that he put the stuff he didn't want to get rid of in storage. Who knows what is really in storage. He took furniture, antique furniture, that has been in our family for decades, to auction. We had no knowledge of this until it was too late. None of us, his children, were told or "asked" of any of these actions. My dad is an only child.

[bluechocolate]

In my opinion what your father did was wrong. He didn't just donate HIS possessions he gave away his families memories & keepsakes. The right thing to have done would have been to ask you all what you wanted first. I can't believe that a father would donate pictures of his own children & mother to be sold to perfect strangers - whatever the cause. Did he send you the church bulletin so that you could come & BUY your own memories back & in the process fund a church that you may or may not have any care for? And the personal cards between his parents?!? What does your Grandfather think of this? And have you spoken to your father about your feelings in regards to this? And if so, what did he say?

 

I suspect the new wife has a lot to do with what is going on in his life right now. But no new spouse or church should be encouraging a man to ignore his own children & grandchildren. There is something not right here.

[Pocky]

Consult a lawyer.

[zoomaj1055]

We (all 3 children) began receiving the church bulletin when he became so "involved" in his church again, which has been about a year now. So, the bulletin was sent not to inform us of the sale....just on the typical mailout list of the church. It certainly didn't mention what items were to be sold...we just suspected that our grandmothers things could be there so we went and were we ever surprised to see these items!

Bluechoc ...your thoughts are mine! What in the world??? Just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only person with these feelings and thoughts. And no I haven't spoken with him, he is like talking to a brick wall. He thinks we (his children) are not real intelligent, he hasn't said that but he speaks in a condensending manner when he talks to us. He would think, If I talked with him, that we just wanted their money! All of us, children, are financially stable and certainly wouldn't want to profit off these items! My father is well acquainted with members of the church and their families but he couldn't tell you the first thing about his own or grandchildren. He seems to think because we don't attend "his" church that we are failing in our christianity and aren't as ------ (can't seem to find the right word) as his fellow members. I don't know what to do. He does know that my brother and I attending the sale and bought items of my grandmothers. I haven't heard from him since. I did send him an email telling him that I purchased the pictures of myself, my brother, my sister and my dead grandmother. I asked that if he intended on "getting rid" of any other photos to please contact me. He has not replied. Would I be wrong to completely disown or have no further contact with him? If so, how do you find peace in doing so? He will absolutely think it is because he recently married, but that would not be the case.

[bluechocolate]

because we don't attend "his" church that we are failing in our christianity and aren't as ------ (can't seem to find the right word) as his fellow members.

 

I think the word is maybe "worthy" ?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know what there is that you can do.

 

But this is what I would do.

 

I would write him a letter - don't email it - write it down or type it out & post it to him. You say that you go to church? Is it possible to talk to a leader in your church & ask them to help you write this letter? I can't comment on the content because I don't know your history with him, but make it as pleasant a letter as is possible. Non-accusatory. Non-confrontational. Just tell him how you feel about losing him like this. About his grandchildren not having a grandfather in their lives. Explain that you are not the least bit interested in his money. Explain to him that you hold no grudge about his new wife & would like to welcome her into your lives also. End by telling him that you would like to understand how & why it has come to this & are willing to listen to him if he is willing to explain it to you.

 

Know then that you have reached out & done all that you could & then leave it in his hands.

 

I wouldn't disown him completely rather, as I said, leave it up to him. You can't have a relationship with a break wall - he has to be willing to meet you half way.

 

If he answers & you don't like what he has to say then at least you'll have a better understanding of where he is at. If he doesn't answer, well that would be an answer in itself.

 

At least you'll know that you've tried.

[zoomaj1055]

Bluechoc...I did just that. I wrote him a letter and had it stored in my computer...had to go back and tone it down to not be confrontational but nicely saying what I think or feel. I will get that in the mail to him tomorrow.

The letter was non-confrontational but speaking the truth and that in itself should be rather upsetting to him. Key word "should" be.....

We'll see what happens next.

 

Thanks for your input, it has helped! After my letter is sent and time has passed, I will learn to put this in its place.

[zoomaj1055]

well he finally answered the original email and was he ever a smart ***! His attitude is unbelievable! My email advising him that I was able to attend the rummage sale and bought our photographs was extremely nice, not argumentative at all. So I'm sure my "letter" to him will do no good. He used a lot of bold lettering, quotations making fun of my words, and it was obvious he was angry. He never mentions me having to purchase photographs of us, he simply says, Well, I'm glad you were able to "find" "meaningful" items. I give up. His Christianity has turned him into a cold person I don't know. Not worth my efforts. Just extremely sad.

[bluechocolate]

His Christianity has turned him into a cold person I don't know. Not worth my efforts. Just extremely sad.

 

Oh zooma - that is indeed sad.

 

But is no reflection on you.

 

One day he'll wake up from his judgemental righteousness & find himself totally alone.

 

Your best revenge (if that is even the right word) is to be a loving wife & mother & to hold no animostiy towards your father.

 

Instead feel pity for him.

[zoomaj1055]

My Father has copied HIS email to me ( where he was such a jerk or Major Smart *** and twisted what I said all around to make it sound as if we were trying to "take" my grandfather's belongings before he has even passed) and mailed the copies to the rest of the family. He didn't include my portion where I was Nicely telling him that I bought photographs at his church sale....So there's no telling what he has told everyone that I said..... He made it a point to tell that he showed this to his new Wife, my grandfather, etc..... I feel this is an attempt to turn everyone against me somehow or make it seem to be My Fault (his behavior). He told my sister that "your sister made an issue of a few photographs that she bought at the church sale" and that he "didn't recognize anyone in the photos"- that's why they were put in the sale!!!

Unbelievable! He didn't "recognize" his own mother or children???

 

Good Lord, what is his problem. He is acting like I'm just trying to stir up a bunch of ** with the family and cause problems! I would prefer to stay out of issues but just felt I had no other choice but to let him know that I did go to the sale and I got the photos. Was I wrong doing that??? I just wanted him to know that I knew he was selling this stuff. Why does he have me second guessing myself??? I did nothing wrong and was very nice considering! I certainly didn't initiate a family feud, he has by mailing out the copies of his email to me.

 

Gosh, He is driving me out of my mind and I would absolutely not communicate with him again except that my grandfather lives with him (which puts him in the middle) and that makes it awkward to have a relationship with him. I enjoy my grandfather but to talk to him or see him, I have to go through my father! What should I do? Or Not Do? Part of me wants to go ahead and mail my letter to him but ya know, he would just twist that around and distort anything I said. And another part wants to call him and just let him have it......But I don't want that stress either. So....Do I just ignore and go on and alienate myself?

 

Don't know what to do, if anything. Thanks for your input!! It helps!!

[Moose]

Do I just ignore and go on and alienate myself?

 

That's exactley what I'd do. Considering the actions of you Father lately, who will the rest of your family believe? Surely they've noticed some strange things happening to him. Besides, you have the proof should you ever need it. Save the email you sent him....(should be in your sent files), and the photographs you bought.

 

Also, you know in your heart and soul what's going on. I know it's hard to sit back and wonder what others are thinking and saying about you. You have to let that go. It took me years to realize that myself. You'll just let this eat you up if you dwell on it too much. Believe in what you did and stand by it. Go see your Grandfather whenever you want, who cares if Dad is there. If he wants to argue about it when you go over there, just tell him that you aren't there to see him, you're there to see your Grandfather.

 

If he continues to give you a hard time, ask him if this is the way he thinks his Lord and God would want him to treat you......that'll shut him up quick. If he acts like he holds a grudge, ask him what the Scriptures say about how many times should I forgive my brother. If he continues then he's not studying and obieding by the faith he choose to walk with, and you can say that to his face.

 

Some new Christian are burning hot at first, then burn out quickly. The parable of the seed sower is a great example. I see your Father as the seed that lay out in the sun and grows quickly but then dries up and dies. Be patient. Hopefully, he'll find out where he went wrong and he will be very remorsefull over it.