Random thoughts

[hippetyhop]

What random thoughts go through your head with your xAP? Just a place to vent. This is open to anyone--if you were the OM/OW, MM, MW, if you've been NC for days or months- I think we still have emotions. No need to answer questions/posts. These can be rhetorical statements.

 

I've been NC for almost 3 days and haven't cried since I sent/received the email. I'm trying to stay strong and not dwell on what happened, and I think writing and sharing with others will really help me get it off my chest.

 

I wonder....

 

Does he genuinely miss me? How is he feeling when he isn't calling me before/after work? Is that hurting him as much as it does me, or is it just a weight lifted? Since we are over and I told him to work on his marriage, is he? Will he? How is he sucking up to her so he can have his freedom back?

[Sarabi]

I don't even know how long NC has been...is that bad? Its less than a month I know that...

Well...what emotions do I go through...? Yes I miss him but what is the point? did he ever care? Did he ever mean "I love you"? Does he ever think about me? Why doesn't he talk to me? Why was I not enough for him and will I ever be good enough for anyone in future? Will I see him again (I hope not because I might publicly shame myself by having a breakdown). Meh...waste of time. He probably doesn't care...

Who knows?

He is probably enjoying his amazing life and marriage and spent time telling her lots of horrible things about me...& the two of them are blissfully happy and moving on with ease. Maybe even having another baby to bring them closer together.

 

I wish there was an amazing single man I could fall back on to help me out of this right now just like they get to go back to their relationships and have a great time.

I wish there was a drug/drink I could take that gets me out of this instantly. Or erases my memory.

I wish...I wasn't here and having to deal with this sometimes...

 

But let me finish my lunch and go to work

[Pierre]

I wonder....

 

Does he genuinely miss me? How is he feeling when he isn't calling me before/after work? Is that hurting him as much as it does me, or is it just a weight lifted? Since we are over and I told him to work on his marriage, is he? Will he? How is he sucking up to her so he can have his freedom back?

 

If you plan to break up the questions are moot. In fact, your healing would be faster if you do not ponder this issues.

[hippetyhop]

If you plan to break up the questions are moot. In fact, your healing would be faster if you do not ponder this issues.

 

I have already ended it.

 

How can you say how my individual healing will be if I ponder these questions? It has been 3 days, so why can't I ponder? Are you saying that I can't express my emotions?

 

Others on the board have told me to vent, etc. Why can't I? Isn't that the reason for this board?

 

(These are the rhetorical questions I was talking about).

 

If you don't want to hear any vents/questions what we may be thinking, then you can keep your moot points to yourself and let us vent. It is to help us. If you have concerns about this thread, then start your own venting thread.

[Pierre]

I have already ended it.

 

How can you say how my individual healing will be if I ponder these questions? It has been 3 days, so why can't I ponder? Are you saying that I can't express my emotions?

 

Others on the board have told me to vent, etc. Why can't I? Isn't that the reason for this board?

 

(These are the rhetorical questions I was talking about).

 

If you don't want to hear any vents/questions what we may be thinking, then you can keep your moot points to yourself and let us vent. It is to help us. If you have concerns about this thread, then start your own venting thread.

 

Oh, no, please vent. This will make you feel better. I did not say you cannot vent. I said your healing would be faster if you don't ponder these thoughts. Let me explain with an example:

 

Assume I have a MOW and that I am madly in love in love with her. She breaks up with me permanently. The break up can occur in two manners:

(a) "I discovered I don't love you at all. I am going to work on my marriage".

 

or she says

 

(b) "I love you more than ever, you are my life, but I cannot leave the marriage because of the mortgage, kids, dog, house, etc".

 

 

 

The question is: Which kind of break-up you prefer?

 

I prefer break up (a). How about you?

[wanting more]

I understand the questions you're asking yourself. I wondered those things myself many many times after the A ended.

 

I think it's normal to wonder about that

 

BUT

 

one day (hopefully soon). You'll realize it doesn't matter what he's thinking, If he's thinking about you. YOU will be thinking about YOU.

[hippetyhop]

All I wanted to do was vent a little and get it off my chest, and let others do the same. Perhaps this is my means, and others, of doing what I need to move on.

[Pierre]

All I wanted to do was vent a little and get it off my chest, and let others do the same. Perhaps this is my means, and others, of doing what I need to move on.

 

If you assume OM is madly in love with you, then you are filled with hope. Hope delays healing.

 

If you know it is 100% over and that OM is not interested then you have zero hope and your healing is faster.

[hippetyhop]

I understand the questions you're asking yourself. I wondered those things myself many many times after the A ended.

 

I think it's normal to wonder about that

 

BUT

 

one day (hopefully soon). You'll realize it doesn't matter what he's thinking, If he's thinking about you. YOU will be thinking about YOU.

 

This is EXACTLY where I'm getting with my post. This is a fresh wound for many of us. Its been 3 days for me, a bit less for others, and a bit more for others. I think it is normal right after ending a relationship to wonder about the other person if you actually did have feelings.

 

Also, this is helping me keep NC.

[hippetyhop]

If you assume OM is madly in love with you, then you are filled with hope. Hope delays healing.

 

If you know it is 100% over and that OM is not interested then you have zero hope and your healing is faster.

 

I have no high hopes for any type of reconciliation. I can guarantee he won't contact me again. But like I said, I just have thoughts going through my head. How can I not after what myself, and others, have conquered.

[Pierre]

This is EXACTLY where I'm getting with my post. This is a fresh wound for many of us. Its been 3 days for me, a bit less for others, and a bit more for others. I think it is normal right after ending a relationship to wonder about the other person if you actually did have feelings.

 

Also, this is helping me keep NC.

 

Sure, it is normal to feel this way. It is normal to want to be loved.

 

On the short term one may prefer a break up knowing one is loved, but in the long term I believe healing is faster when one knows there was no love (despite the hit to the ego or self esteem). This is just my opinion.

[Pierre]

I have no high hopes for any type of reconciliation. I can guarantee he won't contact me again. But like I said, I just have thoughts going through my head. How can I not after what myself, and others, have conquered.

 

I don't know your history, but the likelihood he truly loved you is near 100%.

 

The issue is that he is not available. But, the love was quite real.

[hippetyhop]

Sure, it is normal to feel this way. It is normal to want to be loved.

 

On the short term one may prefer a break up knowing one is loved, but in the long term I believe healing is faster when one knows there was no love (despite the hit to the ego or self esteem). This is just my opinion.

 

I agree. I'm going into the healing process knowing I was 2nd, knowing that he made his decision, and knowing where I really stood. I'm not in denial praying and a hoping he'll call me right now. My mind is just spinning in a gazillion directions with the past few days.

 

I owe you an apology if I was a bit irate. Between my stemming emotions and lack of sleep, it's been one heck of a morning!

[MMY]

Hippetyhop,

 

I have had all of the same question when my XAP up and went NC on me. I pissed a lot of people off on this board when I broke the NC and txted her for some answers to questions I had. I needed that.. Everyday I was wondering why, what, etc. and it was killing me. I knew some of the reasons why she went NC but I still needed to hear from her one last time, for me.

 

At first I thought " she once said she wanted someone to fight for her" so I though NC means that I need to show her I care. She is M and going through D with 2 smaller kids. But once I realized (with help from people on LS) that I need to step back, not be selfish, honor the NC, work on Me, work on my M, it is exactly what needed to happen.

 

I missed many things, had many thoughts but after 4 mths of NC and having a final txt. those thoughts are less and less. I still get the song on the radio, pass the places that we would meet but I am trying to look at it in a positive way. If it weren't for her and DDay, the rug might not be pulled back on the problems of my M. So that said I try to smile and move on instead of dwell in the past.

[hippetyhop]

I don't know your history, but the likelihood he truly loved you is near 100%.

 

The issue is that he is not available. But, the love was quite real.

 

Thank you.

 

I don't want to contradict myself and tj my thread, but to be honest, despite it being an A, our history wasn't bad. It only lasted 10 months, and I think it could have easily lasted 5 years. It wasn't worth waiting. About a month ago, his wife was told he was up to no good and from there it was LC and things weren't the same. He said things between us would be back to normal once he got her all calmed down. She had him on a tight leash, and he said he had to dance around her and keep her happy in order to avoid fights or more suspicions. I told him that he was on "house arrest with a work permit."

 

He told me that he had to think about long-term v. short-term consequences. I wasn't sure if it was referred to being with me, or staying in the marriage.

 

I knew it wouldn't be the same and it was best if I cut ties between us. I think this was a bombshell for him as I acted up to the day that I was okay.

[Pierre]

Thank you.

 

I don't want to contradict myself and tj my thread, but to be honest, despite it being an A, our history wasn't bad. It only lasted 10 months, and I think it could have easily lasted 5 years. It wasn't worth waiting. About a month ago, his wife was told he was up to no good and from there it was LC and things weren't the same. He said things between us would be back to normal once he got her all calmed down. She had him on a tight leash, and he said he had to dance around her and keep her happy in order to avoid fights or more suspicions. I told him that he was on "house arrest with a work permit."

 

He told me that he had to think about long-term v. short-term consequences. I wasn't sure if it was referred to being with me, or staying in the marriage.

 

I knew it wouldn't be the same and it was best if I cut ties between us. I think this was a bombshell for him as I acted up to the day that I was okay.

 

You did the right thing.

 

He loves you, but is not available. It is that simple.

 

Some in the forum say that if the love is real they leave the marriage. I disagree. The love may be quite real, but they simply cannot leave the marriage. It probably has to do with living in two different compartments with different rules and conditions.

[Pierre]

Lastly, betrayed wives do not have magical powers to make these men act in a certain manner. These men are not slaves and the wives cannot control them as advertised.

[hippetyhop]

Hippetyhop,

 

I have had all of the same question when my XAP up and went NC on me. I pissed a lot of people off on this board when I broke the NC and txted her for some answers to questions I had. I needed that.. Everyday I was wondering why, what, etc. and it was killing me. I knew some of the reasons why she went NC but I still needed to hear from her one last time, for me.

 

At first I thought " she once said she wanted someone to fight for her" so I though NC means that I need to show her I care. She is M and going through D with 2 smaller kids. But once I realized (with help from people on LS) that I need to step back, not be selfish, honor the NC, work on Me, work on my M, it is exactly what needed to happen.

 

I missed many things, had many thoughts but after 4 mths of NC and having a final txt. those thoughts are less and less. I still get the song on the radio, pass the places that we would meet but I am trying to look at it in a positive way. If it weren't for her and DDay, the rug might not be pulled back on the problems of my M. So that said I try to smile and move on instead of dwell in the past.

 

Keep going strong! It isn't easy.

 

I remember you mentioning she just up and went NC. I couldn't do that to him despite what others thought. It just wasn't me. I am tempted to break NC at times, but it was my request and I need to honor that if we both need to move on.

 

In my final email to him, I told him that he can use this opportunity to focus on his kids and marriage. Will he? I will never know. Was his final email to me closure from him? He ended it with "Maybe I'll see you at the finish line." I will forever remember that line.

 

The triggers is what really got me thinking about this thread. The day after I sent the email, I was sent an email re. his running stats (we would follow each other on an app with our running progress). Last night really got me thinking as I was at a concert at a venue where we both will be in another 2 weeks or so--and he will be with her. With it being a small venue, we will definitely see each other.

[hippetyhop]

You did the right thing.

 

He loves you, but is not available. It is that simple.

 

Some in the forum say that if the love is real they leave the marriage. I disagree. The love may be quite real, but they simply cannot leave the marriage. It probably has to do with living in two different compartments with different rules and conditions.

 

I agree with you disagreeing with the statement.

 

Although I was never married, I know it isn't easy just to up and leave everything. I wouldn't ask him to either. He would say they are more like college roommates than husband and wife. I do not know what brought it to be like that, or how hard either one of them tried to bring back the spark. They haven't been married that long that their marriage isn't salvageable. I really do wish them the best in trying to figure it out.

[veryhappy]

Don't try to be strong. It will eat away too much energy. As long as you don't break NC, go with the flow. That involves a lot of obsessive thinking and crying. Some people advice simply not thinking and getting over it, but I don't know if they are the ones who've been there. The ones who've been there have had a hard time, and it takes a long time to get over it completely and reach indifference.

 

You'll see that most of your questions now are about if you mattered to him and he cared about you. Don't break NC to hear that he did. You will need to find your own answers or live with not having an answer.

 

It's been 10 months since I last saw the guy in my story, and I still think about him a lot. Too much for some of the guidelines of some. The intensity though is not there anymore. It doesn't floor me in a crying ball. I just think about it and carry on with whatever I'm doing.

 

I'm still curious how he is and what he's thinking, but I'm fairly certain I'd be worse off knowing. That was the purpose of ending the A. He can live his life, but I'm no part of it. I don't want to hear how he's happy without me. I don't want to hear that he's unhappy either because then it makes no sense. I believed so strongly in us at some point and it's such a contrast to see where we are, but that's life and he didn't see it the same.

 

My point is that your mind will cycle madly until you find your stable place.

Edited July 17, 2013 by cutedragon

[MMY]

You stay strong also, keep posting, I think it is good to get things off your chest and talk to people with the Been There and Done That Tshirt.

 

My ExAP Birthday is next week, I thought about txting her Happy Birthday and I hope things are working out with her but I know that is the WRONG thing to do. Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. Like I said earlier, she went NC but she never blocked me from ways to get in touch with her. I blked her from my FB but if I wanted to text her right now I know she would get the text.

[veryhappy]

As for "I'll see you at the finish line." that's a silly thing for him to say. It's in the "let's be friends" category. He just wanted to leave it in a friendly, buddy area to make sure you don't cause any problems, but would also give him attention if you bumped into each other. Don't see too much into it, other than his way of keeping things untroubled.

 

Can you skip that event? Seeing him will trigger you. I'd wait if I were you.

[Wambo]

What random thoughts go through your head with your xAP? Just a place to vent. This is open to anyone--if you were the OM/OW, MM, MW, if you've been NC for days or months- I think we still have emotions. No need to answer questions/posts. These can be rhetorical statements.

 

I've been NC for almost 3 days and haven't cried since I sent/received the email. I'm trying to stay strong and not dwell on what happened, and I think writing and sharing with others will really help me get it off my chest.

 

I wonder....

 

Does he genuinely miss me? How is he feeling when he isn't calling me before/after work? Is that hurting him as much as it does me, or is it just a weight lifted? Since we are over and I told him to work on his marriage, is he? Will he? How is he sucking up to her so he can have his freedom back?

 

 

In my situation the cheater and I had been friends for a number of years. This is why I placed what left of our friendship into LC. I do miss the good friendship we had but not the emotional affair. However to answer the question, yes the cheater missed me but as a friend or an affair partner?

[hippetyhop]

Don't try to be strong. It will eat away too much energy. As long as you don't break NC, go with the flow. That involves a lot of obsessive thinking and crying. Some people advice simply not thinking and getting over it, but I don't know if they are the ones who've been there. The ones who've been there have had a hard time, and it takes a long time to get over it completely and reach indifference.

 

You'll see that most of your questions now are about if you mattered to him and he cared about you. Don't break NC to hear that he did. You will need to find your own answers or live with not having an answer.

 

It's been 10 months since I last saw the guy in my story, and I still think about him a lot. Too much for some of the guidelines of some. The intensity though is not there anymore. It doesn't floor me in a crying ball. I just think about it and carry on with whatever I'm doing.

 

I'm still curious how he is and what he's thinking, but I'm fairly certain I'd be worse off knowing. That was the purpose of ending the A. He can live his life, but I'm no part of it. I don't want to hear how he's happy without me. I don't want to hear that he's unhappy either because then it makes no sense. I believed so strongly in us at some point and it's such a contrast to see where we are, but that's life and he didn't see it the same.

 

My point is that your mind will cycle madly until you find your stable place.

 

I'm trying to take NC one day at a time. I did it before (not with him) and I can certainly do it again. However, the circumstances with him are different.

 

He meant a lot to me. How can I just "forget". No matter what they dynamics surrounding the relationship was, I can't just forget.

 

I'm not sure what your story is, but that is the reason I ended it. He can focus on his life while I have no need to be tied down hoping it'll change. I have absolutely no animosity or ill-feelings towards him. It just wasn't going to work. I knew that from day 1 that he wasn't going to leave, and never made any promises to leave. For some reason, it just hurts.

 

I tell myself to get through it that it was a weight lifted from him, he's happy now not having to juggle 2 lives, and he can go back to being the happy family man. That actually works.

[hippetyhop]

As for "I'll see you at the finish line." that's a silly thing for him to say. It's in the "let's be friends" category. He just wanted to leave it in a friendly, buddy area to make sure you don't cause any problems, but would also give him attention if you bumped into each other. Don't see too much into it, other than his way of keeping things untroubled.

 

Can you skip that event? Seeing him will trigger you. I'd wait if I were you.

 

That is how I am taking it. We have mutual friends, and eventually we will see each other. He knows that I won't tell his wife.

 

I am avoiding the mutual friends as well. I have been cold/short with them lately just so I don't have to worry about them bringing him up in any stance.

 

As for the concert, I'm thinking of skipping it. Too much right now, although it is one of my favorite bands that hasn't toured in my area in a long time!!!!