Random thoughts

[Pierre]

I agree with you disagreeing with the statement.

 

Although I was never married, I know it isn't easy just to up and leave everything. I wouldn't ask him to either. He would say they are more like college roommates than husband and wife. I do not know what brought it to be like that, or how hard either one of them tried to bring back the spark. They haven't been married that long that their marriage isn't salvageable. I really do wish them the best in trying to figure it out.

 

Love has three components: Passion, intimacy, and commitment.

 

The passion slows down after 2-3 years of being together 24/7. For people that do not know how to ignite passion or how to keep passion alive this is the end. Sex stops and they live like siblings. If there is lack of commitment then an affair happens (in search for passion).

 

However, other folks manage to keep the passion going for 30 years (perhaps not as intense as in the first year, but with many delightful peaks along the way). These folks are generally committed, less needy, and know how to keep the flame burning. They don't need a new mate every two years to find passion.

[hippetyhop]

HippetyHop- As a BS, I can say that what he thinks/feels has a lot to do with your behavior after the break- for us, our OW went totally nuts and harassed us- he can not stand the thought of her, he thinks she is crazy, etc.... so not only is he dealing with the guilt of the A and the hard work of rebuilding our marriage, he hates her totally and completely for using every word he ever said about our M against him- she has sent me forwarded vm and emails from him, etc.... so if you want to keep whatever good feelings there could be left, hold up your side and do not contact them-

good luck and good for you for staying strong and true to your word-

 

I'm not planning on being that crazy ex LOL! Despite what happened, I have more respect for myself and them.

 

Thank you. It is hard, but will be worth it in the end.

[findingnemo]

What random thoughts go through your head with your xAP? Just a place to vent. This is open to anyone--if you were the OM/OW, MM, MW, if you've been NC for days or months- I think we still have emotions. No need to answer questions/posts. These can be rhetorical statements.

 

I've been NC for almost 3 days and haven't cried since I sent/received the email. I'm trying to stay strong and not dwell on what happened, and I think writing and sharing with others will really help me get it off my chest.

 

I wonder....

 

Does he genuinely miss me? How is he feeling when he isn't calling me before/after work? Is that hurting him as much as it does me, or is it just a weight lifted? Since we are over and I told him to work on his marriage, is he? Will he? How is he sucking up to her so he can have his freedom back?

 

9 years last month post the A, these are my random thoughts.

 

- Is he happy?

 

- When will he realize that time is running out?

(This isn't because I'm expecting him to come to me. It's because he chose to stay M and yet nothing changed in his M. He is living a lie according to my standards. But he firmly believes he can do it forever. Based on what I know of him, his coping mechanisms are not the best. I know it's his life and his choice, but it bugs me once in a while).

 

For some reason whenever I attend a funeral, I wonder if it was worth it for him? (I once prayed to God to please not let me die feeling unfulfilled. I know myself. On my dying bed, I will probably be philosophical and think of all the good in my life, all my loved ones, the ones who really are essential to me. I'll probably think of him and say that it wasn't meant to be and that I had a good life. I begged God not to let it be the case that I die feeling sad about him.)

 

Macabre thoughts I guess. But at this point I don't think things like "I miss him" any more. He isn't a major part of my life. I hardly ever see him. I talk to him maybe once every 3 months on average. And yet, I do think about him all the time. But that should be in a thread about non-random thoughts.

[hippetyhop]

9 years last month post the A, these are my random thoughts.

 

- Is he happy?

 

- When will he realize that time is running out?

(This isn't because I'm expecting him to come to me. It's because he chose to stay M and yet nothing changed in his M. He is living a lie according to my standards. But he firmly believes he can do it forever. Based on what I know of him, his coping mechanisms are not the best. I know it's his life and his choice, but it bugs me once in a while).

 

For some reason whenever I attend a funeral, I wonder if it was worth it for him? (I once prayed to God to please not let me die feeling unfulfilled. I know myself. On my dying bed, I will probably be philosophical and think of all the good in my life, all my loved ones, the ones who really are essential to me. I'll probably think of him and say that it wasn't meant to be and that I had a good life. I begged God not to let it be the case that I die feeling sad about him.)

 

Macabre thoughts I guess. But at this point I don't think things like "I miss him" any more. He isn't a major part of my life. I hardly ever see him. I talk to him maybe once every 3 months on average. And yet, I do think about him all the time. But that should be in a thread about non-random thoughts.

 

I'm glad to see that you have moved on. It must be hard to still have communication with him, even if it once in awhile, after the A ended.

 

Since the A, have you married/been in a serious relationship?

[findingnemo]

Yes, hippetyhop. I got married, had three wonderful kids and now I'm almost done with my D. Terrible but short M in which I was a BW over and over again.

 

It isn't very hard to communicate with him and see him. While I was M, he tried his darnest to get the A going again but I would not cheat on my xH. It was hard then though. I still love him and will probably do so until my last day. I decided at some point that it doesn't mean that I engage in things that are hurtful to me. My experience in an A was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. So I found a balance of sorts. LS helps me stick with it. If you read some of my old threads, you'd see how I struggled at the beginning.

 

Acceptance is key. Accept the facts. You may love each other but love isn't enough. It isn't enough to make him break up his family and it isn't enough to make me accept being the OW ever again.

[Pierre]

Yes, hippetyhop. I got married, had three wonderful kids and now I'm almost done with my D. Terrible but short M in which I was a BW over and over again.

 

It isn't very hard to communicate with him and see him. While I was M, he tried his darnest to get the A going again but I would not cheat on my xH. It was hard then though. I still love him and will probably do so until my last day. I decided at some point that it doesn't mean that I engage in things that are hurtful to me. My experience in an A was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. So I found a balance of sorts. LS helps me stick with it. If you read some of my old threads, you'd see how I struggled at the beginning.

 

Acceptance is key. Accept the facts. You may love each other but love isn't enough. It isn't enough to make him break up his family and it isn't enough to make me accept being the OW ever again.

 

I am so sorry, had no idea.

 

Better to be alone than to get married while loving someone else. Hope everything is OK.

[hippetyhop]

Yes, hippetyhop. I got married, had three wonderful kids and now I'm almost done with my D. Terrible but short M in which I was a BW over and over again.

 

It isn't very hard to communicate with him and see him. While I was M, he tried his darnest to get the A going again but I would not cheat on my xH. It was hard then though. I still love him and will probably do so until my last day. I decided at some point that it doesn't mean that I engage in things that are hurtful to me. My experience in an A was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. So I found a balance of sorts. LS helps me stick with it. If you read some of my old threads, you'd see how I struggled at the beginning.

 

Acceptance is key. Accept the facts. You may love each other but love isn't enough. It isn't enough to make him break up his family and it isn't enough to make me accept being the OW ever again.

 

I'm sorry of what you had to endure. I wish that you find happiness.

 

Acceptance is the key. I accepted what I decided to take part of until I decided to end it. About 3 months into the A, he told me that he loves me. He told me that although he loves me, that still means nothing would change. How could it not. We were on a different level then. I still never asked him to leave his family. I accepted that. I told him in my final email to him that I have accepted that and I need to move on. He understood.

[tryingto]

I'm still curious how he is and what he's thinking, but I'm fairly certain I'd be worse off knowing. That was the purpose of ending the A. He can live his life, but I'm no part of it. I don't want to hear how he's happy without me. I don't want to hear that he's unhappy either because then it makes no sense. I believed so strongly in us at some point and it's such a contrast to see where we are, but that's life and he didn't see it the same.

 

OMG! No truer words ever spoken (or typed)!

[kareena]

I wondered at first as well,Does he miss me? Does he love me? Does he regret his decision?Has he met someone else? Will he try to get back together? What has he been up to? How does he sleep at night? Does he even remotely care? Is he sad? Is he relieved? Is he happier now without me?

 

Yes,I wondered but I asked myself those questions til it drove me over the edge and I almost offed myself. Now I choose to ignore that little voice in my head,I try not to ask these questions.Thinking about it only makes me drown more and more in my own misery and I'm so tired of feeling this way.

 

Right now I'm entering this phase where I hate him,I know it won't last for long and I'm expecting a meltdown in a few days because truth be told I don't hate the guy even after everything I still am very much in love with him and that's where it gets so confusing. I don't even understand why I love him,I just do and I can't help it but what I can control is his presence in my life and I'm trying my best to go through with NC. This time has been the most successful time so far,I just hope I don't break down and do something stupid like calling him in the middle of the night or whatever.

 

I'm doing this new thing where I turn my phone off and put it away whenever I'm drinking,it's my way of avoiding drunk dialing. But for some reason I still get disappointed when I turn it back on and I don't find a voice mail or a text.

[ChasingCars]

I wonder if he ever wants to contact me really bad too.

[haiku]

Hi hippetyhop,

 

I just wanted to add my .02. I'm in a similar boat and it sucks. I think a lot of the same things. Generally I am stuck on either end of the misery - rage spectrum after thinking about it for any period of time ie Poor pitiful me to just seeing red period.

[Sarabi]

I'm doing this new thing where I turn my phone off and put it away whenever I'm drinking,it's my way of avoiding drunk dialing. But for some reason I still get disappointed when I turn it back on and I don't find a voice mail or a text.

 

Look to the future one day you will be number 1 in someone's life and drunk dialling will be a thought far from your mind...

imagine one day, you will turn your phone off(to not be disturbed), you will have a glass of bubbles and a few giggles with the girls as you're getting ready for the best day of your life

When you're ready and everything is done you finally turn your phone on...and find a text/voicemail saying "I can't wait to marry you today"

I know people this has happened to(or they get flowers or little notes or something)...I hope one day you and I and the rest of us loveshackers are lucky enough too :)

[hippetyhop]

Right now, like Haiku and Kareena, I'm in the rage stage. I don't hate him. I think I'm feeling like that because I miss him.

 

Kareena--I was getting ready to send him a drunk text the other night. Not even proclaiming my love for him, but just a big WTF. Instead, I contacted my friend who has been helping me through this. He gave me some pretty valid reasons as to why I shouldn't.

 

What is really irritating me is how he responded. Really, a response like that within 15 minute? A friend told me last night that it is better than nothing. I think at this point I would take nothing over, "Maybe I'll see you at the finish line." That will always stick in me.