am i paranoid?

[unsure17315]

My husband has been at his job from 5 years now, and because he is a devoted teacher he spends many hours outside the school day working. However this year has been different. He has become moody, and unwilling to miss ANY of his after school activities. We are a busy family and I didn't really think anything of it, until one night he called out in his sleep " I want you not her" This was around March, and when I confronted him he said he had no idea where that came from.

 

Since then I have learned that the new school phycologist came to him one day to talk about her personal failed relationship she was in. They have been texting each other non stop. Again I told him I am not ok with his extended friendship with this woman. There was just something about it. He then told me he had confided in her about our marriage issues, and they had became close friends.

 

 

 

He told me the entire staff was going out for drinks after work (in 5 years he had NEVER once wanted to go), but this time he went. Turns out he had invited her to go, and it was them and 3 others that went. I was furious! The text messages continued, and my jealousy got worse. I found him to be even more cranky and mean.

 

Then we had it, the marjor rock bottom fight. I was at work, so this fight was via text message. Turns out the entire time he was on the phone telling her EVERY detail of the fight. When I found out I told him it was me or her, he got do defensive, and refused to end the friendship with her. After we cooled off he said he would end it but he wasn't happy about it.

He tweeted the very same day that I cost him something VERY special.

 

He is off for the summer, but has volunteered to go back to the school for various IEP and staff trainings. He has since started calling out to her in his sleep again. I told him about it and again his reply is "he can't control his sleep" "maybe its my sub conscious trying to gravel at the fact that I can't have a friendship with her" He has never had a problem in his manhood but the last time he saw her after I made him choose, he began to go limp when we were together. Then the other night he moaned her name. I told him about it and he said I was making it up in my head. He didn't believe me, I was just saying this to make him feel guilty.

 

He defends her every chance he can. She scheduled the meetings so that he had to go there 3 days a week. (mind you he drives 1.5 hrs to get to his school and the meetings are only 30-45 mins)

Now he has another training this week and she has been texting him "are you coming to training?" "is it 2 days or 3?"

 

He says I am being paranoid and I have to trust him that nothing is going on and that he did not choose her over me.

Ive been cheated on before with my ex husband, and he says this is where my anxiety is coming from.

 

Am I looking to much into this? Am I being paranoid?

[Realist3]

At a minimum it would appear that your H has been having an emotional affair. My guess would be that they will just take this relationship underground. I doubt he is just going to abandon his 'close friendship" that he thinks is 'very special'.

[jphcbpa]

no

 

he is being inappropriate and crossing the line of your boundries.

 

I would suggest going to see a 3rd party therapist to work this out WITH him and start taking care of you and loving yourself. Tell him the therapy is non-negotiable.

[salparadise]

There is only one way this can possibly have a happy ending... he must realize that he is having an emotional affair (at minimum), realize the full implications, choose you and your marriage over the affair, cease all contact and be willing to do the hard work of couples therapy and rebuilding your relationship. It's probably going to be necessary for him to change jobs as well.

 

From what you've said it seems apparent that he is not interested in saving the marriage, and/or that he's delusional in believing that he can have his cake and eat it too... that if he plays his cards right you'll allow it to continue. So far you've proven him right on the latter part.

 

There is no point in suffering the slow, painful death of this marriage (not that you can avoid painful regardless). I think you should bring it to a head and force him to get real with himself and you, or make your exit as graceful as possible. There is a possibility that if he is actually faced with you leaving him that he'll end it and choose to recommit to his marriage. But I think he's delusional, so I wouldn't bet on it. To you though, you might as well force it to go one way or the other because that's better than living in this kind of hell.

[TaraMaiden]

He is what is known as 'gas-lighting' you - he is manifesting clear and evident signals that he is being unfaithful (I don't always refer to either Emotional or physical - both are hurtful, and there's no saying which hurts most) but turning the guilt up on you, and making you believe that you are the errant one, not he.

 

At best, tell him you have booked counselling and you are expecting him to attend - it is mandatory if he wishes to save the marriage - or, at worst, he can sling his hook.

His choice.

he sounds like a nasty, manipulative piece of work, and frankly, I think it's nothing short of miraculous that you would want anything else to do with him, given his evident commitment to her.

[Try]

Since then I have learned that the new school phycologist came to him one day to talk about her personal failed relationship she was in.

That is her telling him that she is available.

He then told me he had confided in her about our marriage issues, and they had became close friends.

That is him telling her that he also might be available. Talking about issues in your marraige with another women is a violation of your marital trust and is the number one sign that it has crossed the line and that it has become at least an emotinal affair (EA). Read "Not Just Friends" today; this will explain what is going on. The fact that he also was on the phone with her sharing your text messages is very bad. It shows that he thinks of them as the team and you as the outsider.

 

If you Google "picking up on married women", you will see that the first thing to do is to pretend that you are just friends, and that the second thing to do is to get them to talk about problems in their marraige. This is also how women picking up on married men. This other women (OW) knew what she was doing. She is after your husband. You did right to make him break it off, but you need to do more. He must go full no contact (NC) and give you full transpancy which includes passwords without complaint. The fact that she is still texting him and that they are still meeting in school, makes a mockery of them breaking it off. No contact means no contact period. They need to minimize contact to what is needed to keep their jobs. The school does not mandate that he be texting her and meeting with her as much as he does. They are doing it to get around you.

[nescafe1982]

As someone who has been on the receiving end of something very similar, my heart goes out to you, OP. No real advice from me, but what others have said here is profound and very compelling. "Try" in particular hit the nail on the head -- they are mutually signalling to each other that they are good for an affair. Watchman's link is really good--- I found it enlightening to read.

 

Also, gaslighting is a very painful experience. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Best of luck and I hope this sifts out in the best way possible for you.

[BeholdtheMan]

Am I looking to much into this? Am I being paranoid?

No! The signs of his infidelity are absurdly obvious. Don't let him try to brainwash you with bogus claims that directly contradict reality ("it's all in your head...you're imagining things!").

 

You told him "it's either me or her". What did he do? He started defending her. Time to put your foot down. Tell him you're leaving...and don't bluff. See how he reacts. If he's still stuck on his AP, file for divorce. You deserve better.