Is This My Chance To Jump In...or Should I Take It Slow?

[Odradek]

Alright, simple and straight to the point.

 

I've known this girl from college for about two years. We met at first and we instantly clicked. The first conversation we ever had lasted for more than two hours and it was just AWESOME. I was instantly utterly hypnotized by her and I developed this really bad crush on her. That faded away after a while, since we didn't see each other so often.

 

Ever since 6 months ago, we've developed this really great friendship. We hang out together a lot and finish each other sentences quite often, we also team up for most projects in college, in short, we get along just great.

 

BUT (there's always a but, isn't there) the thing is she's had this boyfriend for over 4 years. This guy is like a son to her parents, as so is she to his. Their families have been really close for centuries and stuff, and they're sort of reponsible for setting the two of them up, and really expect them to get married. But now, she says she's realized they're way too different and that she doesn't see the point in keeping up the relationship.

 

And in case you're having trouble putting two and two together, I've developed quite deep feelings for her after getting to know her for some time. We just have so much in common and so many things to talk about and have so much fun together, and...well, you know the rest. So she's coming to me for advice, tellling me about all of their problems, and complaining about how she CAN'T do with HIM all the things SHE AND I do. Still, I don't know if there's an interest on her part.

 

So, should I say something? On one hand, I don't wanna mess up our friendship, nor do I want to lose my study partner. On the other hand, this thing is just growing inside of me and so many feelings are bottling up inside that I feel like I'm gonna explode if I don't say something quick (although writing it all on loveshack really helps).

 

C'mon guys, give me a hand here.

[SoleMate]

Wow, a nice easy question! (NOT!)

 

In your shoes, I would realize that life is short, but regrets are long, and I would do something. Just start out ambiguous, and if she responds, keep upping the ante until you're where you want to be.

 

Sample dialogue:

 

YOU: I feel so good with you. We get along so well.

 

HER: Yes, I love spending time with you.

 

YOU: We spend more time together than the typical boyfriend and girlfriend, don't we?

 

HER: Yes, I guess so. Are you saying this is too much of your time.

 

YOU: No, absolutely not. I treasure every moment I have with you.

 

HER: So do I.

 

YOU: Do you know how much I think about you when we're apart?

 

HER: No, how much?

 

YOU: All the time. I can't get you off my mind. I replay every minute we've been together and every word you said, in my head...

 

HER: I do too.

 

YOU: Have I ever told you how truly beautiful you are?

 

HER: Really? You think so?

 

YOU: Yes....

(At this point, the body language which should have been building needs to take over. Something very slight, like brushing her face ever so lightly with your fingertips. Based on her reaction, I hope you can take it from there.)

 

You see the point? You lob one comment over the net, and see whether the ball gets hit back to you, or whether she grabs her racket and goes home. If she stays in the game, you keep making your interchange stronger, until you've paved the way for some light touching, which will be an acknowledgement by both of you that there is an attraction.

 

Of course, the road will not be smooth even if you get that far. She'll still have to agonize over Mr. Like-a-son, and go through a breakup with him. He may want to kill you, and her parents may see you - permnently - as an interloper.

 

Good luck. Updates here are mandatory.

[Flying Goose]

The suggestion by Solemate has a huge dependency on circumstance and requires high cooperativity from the other person. Although it'll probably work for the first few exchanges - the overt expressions in the last part could have potentially disasterous consequences.

 

Next time she says a comment like she gets on with you better than her boyfriend - ask her a question. What does she want from a relationship? Would she consider you in that light? Remember to ask what you want, and don't be afraid to be too precise.

 

It is better to ask questions than to give opinions/declare your undying love or other egotistical stupidities. Better to ask a direct question, than to lead her through a maze of question-answers - as for the latter to work, it has to be done very well, so that she can't anticipate the direction before its too late. If it is too obvious, it'll look pathetic and if it's too intricate - she may find the questions strange and purposeless. A direct question will almost inevitably yield a direct answer, and if the question was precise enough, the answer will be useful.

[Odradek]

She already broke up with they guy.

 

We're going out this weekend, but I don't view it exactly as a date. We're going to this place we'd been talking about going with our group of friends for a while, and there's some show that'll be taking place over the weekend, so I just casully suggested we should go, and she liked the idea. She might ask some friends to come along, and I'm OK with that, I never said or implicitly suggested it was a one-on-one sort of thing. On the other hand it's a good chance -I think- to see what's on her mind...If she asks friends to come along, then maybe that means I still have some groundwork to do; if not, maybe this actually IS my chance to jump in (Cross your fingers). Wuddaya guys think?

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I actually came very close to using Sole's strategy, but I chickened out at the last minute. Still, both of your approches are very good, and I'll make sure to have them handy for future reference.

 

Thanks guys and keep posting.

[Curt]

It sounds as if this could lead to something really great for you both.

 

Keep the honesty and chemistry you both have together as the foundation for any relationship you choose to have.

 

Make sure to let her know how you feel about (and for) her...baby steps, but deliberate, focused ones still the same.

 

Have a great date.

 

Curt

[Odradek]

I got left out holding the bag

 

I called her the day before to find out when was a good time to pick her up, and she said she was sorry but she'd forgotten she was going away for the weekend with her family. So I guess the writing's on the wall. I'm gonna distance myself from her (I usually call her on a daily basis and she's always kinda expecting it, so I'm putting a stop to that, and also to our marathon conversations at school) and give her her space and time. I guess it's just too soon for her to be considering anything else. I'm just gonna wait and see, and if it looks like there could be a chance after sometime, I'll try again.

 

Again, any comments are welcome.

[Flying Goose]

Pfft... the insolence some people show. "Oh I forgot I had other plans". I hope she was being honest, not that it makes the situation much better, but good enough. If not, that is such an annoying & inconsiderate thing to do. (Wonders why people bother with pretences and games). Ah well - c'est la vie.

[Odradek]

I'm such a weakling. I totally wasn't able to do the distance thing. I just came back from staying talking to her about half an hour after class (it's 11 pm now) keeping her company while her a**h*** of a dad (yeah, he's an a**h***, how dare he make her wait alone at that time of night) came to pick her up. I mean, it was automatic. We just started talking about the class and ended up laughing and kidding around. I even carried her over a small pond prince chraming and cinderella style (her suggestion).

 

Any ideas on how to proceed?

[Everclear09]

Boy, you are right.....your situation sounds kinda like mine ("I want more than just friends but he doesn't") My now "friend" and I always talked (hopefully still will talk) on the phone for hours and I could easily answer questions and things about him. I can tell you what he orders from each fast food place we go to. But...... I think you should say something to her....But I don't know of a good approach. WHATEVER YOU DO.....Don't kiss her and then say you want to go back to the way things were (Just Best Friends) It's a killer! (Still killin' me) But you have to look at this situation from all angles.....If I tell her how I feel, how will she react? Will she feel the same way as me? Will this change what we have? Do you want to be her friend or more than that? Do you want to risk losing her in some way? I hope this doesn't sound too mean but think about your actions before you actually go through it. REALLY think this...because that is were my male "friend" screwed up. He didn't think things through.....He was thinkin' with his dick and not his head.

[Odradek]

I definetely am not thinking with my dick. Moreover, it once came up in a conversation we were having about the first time we met (I used to work at the college we both attend, and she needed some stuff I was in charge off) which was a really nice almost 2 and a half hour lng conversation in which I was amazed we're so like each other, that the first time I met her I immediately had a crush on her but, and I quote myself "mostly because we have so much in common, I mean, you're really beautiful but physically you're really not my type". Which she isn't, but that's the last thing in my head right now. Still, I now realize it was a pretty stupid thing to say (although back then it wasn't the same situation, she was still with her boyfriend and although we were really good friends we didn't hang out as much). God! I hope she doesn't remember I said that.

 

Anyway, she probably knows there's something else going on my part. I mean, she's wasy too smart not to have realized. I guess the only choice I really have is to wait. And there's got to be at least an interest on her part because, knowing how I feel (assuming she does) she would be drifting away from me if she didn't want anything to happen, right?. Maybe I just need to wait for signals that she's ready. Thena again, how can you tell the difference between a woman giving signals and the same woman just being nice. GOD, it's so complicated!. I just wish I weren't a good friend of hers but just some guy she knows so I could just ask her out and not be afraid.

 

HELP!! anyone!! anything thats on your mind will be good, I just need some ideas!!.

 

P.S.:Thanks ever, I really appreciatte your putting in your two cents worth

[packersgirl]

Wow kiddo, sounds like you've got quite a predicament on your hands. Falling for your best friend is rough. So many things are the same in a best friend relationship and a romantic one. Intimacy that a friendship entails involves late nights, shared secrets, shoulders to lean on, and it always ends up with your best friend knowing you better than you know yourself. Intimacy in a romantic relationship is all that, BUT you add holding hands, gazing into each others eyes, close embraces, long kisses ect...

 

Crossing that line is a decision that the two of you would have to make together. You've fallen for her, thats obvious. But what you really need to do is she if she's fallen for you as well. SoleMate was on the right track with making comment after comment, and seeing where the conversation will lead. Don't distance yourself. She'll know somethings up when you do, and that may lead to a conversation that neither of you are ready for. Look behind her words and actions for hidden meanings, girls are filled with those. Don't act on anything until you two have defined what your relationship is going to entail, it could devistate things and possibly be a major set back in your friendship.

 

Good luck! Keep me posted!

[Fallen_Angel]

I agree that you should tell her how you feel (otherwise you'll spend all your time wondering "What if?" and that's never fun!) but you should prepare yourself for the consequences. After all, what you want to tell her will totally change the dynamic of your friendship. While it is so easy to fall for someone you're friends with -- you don't have to deal with all that awkward get-to-know-you stuff!! -- there are also tons of pitfalls. It's obviously easier for things not to work out with someone you barely know as opposed to someone you have a history with.

 

You mentioned this girl dated her boyfriend for 4+ years. Whether she had strong feelings for her ex towards the end or not, I'd still advise you to tread with caution.

 

I'm very gratified to hear you're thinking with the upper half of your body, and not the lower. Girls do appreciate that! Also -- and I'm sure I don't speak for all females!! -- keep in mind that some of us find it awkward to be the one who starts the "I have secret feelings for you" conversation.

 

Best of luck to you...and keep us posted!