Guilt Is Eating Me Alive

[dee85]

Let me start from beginning...

 

We, when met, never wanted to be together. he was looking for one night stand and I was having girls night out. But after that night we've seen each other nearly every single day.

He's from Australia so his visa was running out. We wanted to stay together to see what happens. Therefore we got married 1 year after we met.

 

We had our highs and lows. Recently, as he's got demanding job, we haven't seen each other much. I leave for work when his asleep and I'm falling asleep when he gets home. But I knew he's doing this for us and was trying to support him.

 

And then it happened- we went out for dinner, had bottle of wine and decided to go to our cocktail bar. His mate works there. I got absolutely wasted - in one minute I was fine but then total blackout. Don't remember getting home so whatever you read now is what I've been told.

At some point his mate had to come around and apparently we drank even more! Then my husband went to bed. We had to stay up.

So after drinking cocktail number ? the next thing I remember is my love walking into the kitchen and me being bentover while his mate is... don't think I have to finish.

 

He's obviously moved out. I'm feeling so ashamed! I've not eaten for the last 4 days (really), all i do is cry and think over and over again about what I've done. I'm trying to punish myself but nothing seems to be equivalent to how much pain I've caused him!!!! First 3 days I spent in bed not being able to face the world.

I never cheated on my partner/s before. Never wanted to...

This guy tried to have sex with me months before that while I was also drunk (but not drunk enough to not to be able to control myself).

 

I can't eat, sleep. I'm so sorry for what I've done. Never wanted to lose my loves trust or love. But I think I did.

I'm trying to give him some space and time but every now and then I do sent him a message saying how sorry I am. And I am sorry! I can't cope with what I've done, I can't face reality.

I know it's fresh, it's been only 4 days but I want to work on my marriage. But does he?

it will take a lot of work from me and will from him. But I think we could grow stronger.

God, I never ever wanted to break his hart this way!!!

 

I've made a list of things I have to work on. If only he's willing to give me a second and only chance.

 

he said he's not coming back for a while, maybe ever.

 

I can't cope with my emotions, pain that I've caused him...

 

Is there a light ina tunnel? Is our love strong enough? Who would forgive?

[GorillaTheater]

Infidelity is soul-crushing in and of itself. To actually witness it puts a person that many circles of hell lower.

 

He's going to have to process this in his own time and in his own space, and there's little you can do one way or the other. But a good start would be not contacting the OM in any way shape or form ever again, not drinking, and probably seeking some individual couseling. Show him by actions more than mere words.

 

But honestly? I wouldn't hold out much hope. The image of you bent over getting pounded is permanently seared into his brain, and I can't see how a person gets past that, ever.

[jphcbpa]

"I've made a list of things I have to work on. If only he's willing to give me a second and only chance."

 

What do you mean by this? Are you only going to "work on" and change if he is willing to come back?

 

You put yourself in this position and you knew his "mate" was trying to get you drunk. Have you considered getting sober?

[dee85]

I don't think he was deliberately trying to get me drunk. I was drunk before we left. But who knows.

He definitely fancied me as he tried to do it before. And every time he's seen me (only when drunk) would say that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen etc

I'm just surprised that knowing that he's tried with me before and I'm blind drunk he left me with his mate... I know he trusted me but he knows that the other is well known cheater... Bu I'm not trying to blame him, look like a victim.

 

Not drinking or getting to a limit is number one on my list. This was the first time when I lost total control. Don't want to go there ever again...

[aliveagain]

This guy tried to have sex with you months before and he is still a friend? Did you tell your husband this? Sorry but if he has you bent over a table or the kitchen counter and your sober enough to take the pounding without falling down, you must be sober enough to know what going on, come on girl. If you didn't and never gave him consent why haven't you had him charged with rape? Sorry but you sound like someone with a drinking problem, infidelity and drinking problems go hand in hand.

[dee85]

This guy tried to have sex with you months before and he is still a friend? Did you tell your husband this? Sorry but if he has you bent over a table or the kitchen counter and your sober enough to take the pounding without falling down, you must be sober enough to know what going on, come on girl. If you didn't and never gave him consent why haven't you had him charged with rape? Sorry but you sound like someone with a drinking problem, infidelity and drinking problems go hand in hand.

 

 

When it happened for the first time - I was drunk but I run straight to my husband to wake him up. So he knew about it.

Apparently i was just flat on a table, so no strength was needed.

 

I just don't know what happened!

[GorillaTheater]

When it happened for the first time - I was drunk but I run straight to my husband to wake him up. So he knew about it.

Apparently i was just flat on a table, so no strength was needed.

 

I just don't know what happened!

 

So report it as a rape.

[aliveagain]

Your husband doesn't need to trust his mate, he only needs to trust you. He is not married to his mate. Report it if you believe he raped you. You woke up the moment you were caught, really?

[Realist3]

First off you need to get some help with your drinking problem. It may be binge drinking, but if you drink yourself to where you are laying on a table or 'blackout' you have a serious problem.

 

Secondly, what were you thinking getting drunk with a guy who has already tried to have sex with your before when you were drunk????

 

You have some serious judgment issues that you need to address. The "I was drunk and 'blacked out' excuse isn't going to cut it.

[Chi townD]

Yep! I have to agree, you getting drunk with a guy that you've KNOWN has been after you is just plain stupid.

 

The hard part is that he actually witnessed you bent over on the table. That is burned into his mind and is never going to go away. And, I hate to say it, but most cases where infidelity is actually "caught in the act" don't make it for that simple fact that he won't be able to erase that from his memory.

 

I don't think you can call it rape, because I'm just having a hard time understanding that you blacked out, but you CAN remember your husband walking in on you having sex. Sorry, but there no such thing as "selective Blackout Periods" You be waking up the next morning wondering where your clothes and your husband are. So, it's time to get real and be honest. You made a bad choice and you got caught. Sure, it was a drunken choice, but you made it.

 

All I can tell you is that you need to give him some space. Lot's of it. He's got a lot to process and he may ask you some questions in the future. Answer them as honestly as you can, even if you know the answer is going to be painful to hear, you need to be honest.

 

And here's the rub, he may be done with the marriage. That's his choice and there's not much you can do about it. Look, you sound really remorseful about what happened and I wish I had more positive things to tell you. But, without understanding how your husband handled everything, I can only go by the stats that I know.

 

You stated you complied a list of things, self improvement stuff. What's on the list? We'll tell you if it's a good idea or not.

[Darren Steez]

Can't really marry this up..so OP was black out drunk at the bar, then went home and drank even more...then the husband went to bed leaving her and another man alone?

[Chi townD]

Can't really marry this up..so OP was black out drunk at the bar, then went home and drank even more...then the husband went to bed leaving her and another man alone?

 

 

Meh.... that could happen. Especially if he trusted his wife. He could have said that he was going to bed and she may have said that she'll be up in a minute. Well, after a minute or two or three went by and no wife, he might have left the bedroom to go investigate why she didn't follow him up.

 

Just one example.

[therhythm]

Why people always have a good excuse for cheating? It is surprising how no cheater is ever at fault of what they do... either is the fault of the lack of attention from their spouses or the alcohol... or any other stupid reason...

 

I am really sorry for the husband if he had to see that... pfff... I would never (EVER) come back to OP.

[ExpatInItaly]

This just doesn't add up. The only thing you remember is getting caught? I'm sorry, but I don't really buy that. My honest opinion, if I may be blunt, is that you were indeed quite drunk but you were still aware of what was happening...and now you're trying to convince yourself and your husband that don't remember a thing up until the point you got caught.

 

If you truly were so drunk you don't remember intercourse, how is it possible you could balance enough to stand up for the act to take place? Why did you suddenly snap out of it when your husband found you?

[Realist3]

There are documented studies about the sobering effects of sudden bursts of adrenaline on people that are drunk. I'm not saying that is what happened here, but it wouldn't surprise me. It is not abnormal.

[Chi townD]

There are documented studies about the sobering effects of sudden bursts of adrenaline on people that are drunk. I'm not saying that is what happened here, but it wouldn't surprise me. It is not abnormal.

 

 

Not saying you're wrong at all, but could the same thing be said for the act of sex itself? During sex, there's a massive release of hormones throughout the body that should have the same sobering effect; even adrenaline? Unless, she was passed out drunk, which isn't the case here I don't think.

[Arabella]

Yeah, I don't understand this one either.

 

This girl is getting drunk with a man who wants to have sex with her, while her husband is in the house. Somehow, enough rapport is built between them that she allowed him to bend her over a table, remove enough clothing to get to her vagina, penetrate her, and continue doing so long enough to get caught.

 

All while the OP was apparently... blacked out. Until the second that her husband walks in on them?

 

If your husband had walked in and saw you getting penetrated against your will while blacked out, he would've beaten the living crap out of this guy. You would also be reporting a rape right about now. Whatever he saw obviously made him believe that it was fully consensual.

 

Frankly? I don't believe a word you're saying, so I don't blame your husband for not believing you either. I think you were drunk, but you wanted to have sex with this guy. Under normal circumstances, you probably would've restrained yourself, but the alcohol clearly lowered your inhibitions so when he came on to you, you simply let him have his way with you.

 

If this isn't the case, why are you not claiming rape?

[Realist3]

Not saying you're wrong at all, but could the same thing be said for the act of sex itself? During sex, there's a massive release of hormones throughout the body that should have the same sobering effect; even adrenaline? Unless, she was passed out drunk, which isn't the case here I don't think.

 

 

It's really hard to say. I guess you might get an adrenaline rush during sex, but sex is more associated with dopamine, which is considered a noradrenaline. I guess what I'm saying is that Dopamine is more excitement from pleasure, where as adrenaline is more associated with fight or flight situations or what we may view as traumatic.

[dee85]

This guy is my husbands mate - not the best one, but there's a lot of bromance going on.

I did not invite him to our house, and was not the only one that was drinking with him.

 

My husband quite often, while drunk, would leave me alone and go home withouth even telling me. That;s just the way he is.

 

After the first time, when he tried, he didn't even say anything. I woke him up and he went there and came back after few secs.

 

You may or may not belive me - I do not remember a thing that's happened. From leaving the place to him walking in. Even after that there;s a blank space, him throwing me on a floor, blank space and finally closing the door.

 

I'm not trying to find an excuse, not blaming it on alcohol, mates etc Just saying how it was.

 

Present or not - I was there and it's happened. Nothing can change it.

 

 

And no - I never fancied him, known him for about 3 years now. Nothing never happend, no long conversations, desire, spark. Just my husbands mate.

Edited July 17, 2013 by dee85

[dee85]

Yeah, I don't understand this one either.

 

This girl is getting drunk with a man who wants to have sex with her, while her husband is in the house. Somehow, enough rapport is built between them that she allowed him to bend her over a table, remove enough clothing to get to her vagina, penetrate her, and continue doing so long enough to get caught.

 

All while the OP was apparently... blacked out. Until the second that her husband walks in on them?

 

If your husband had walked in and saw you getting penetrated against your will while blacked out, he would've beaten the living crap out of this guy. You would also be reporting a rape right about now. Whatever he saw obviously made him believe that it was fully consensual.

 

Frankly? I don't believe a word you're saying, so I don't blame your husband for not believing you either. I think you were drunk, but you wanted to have sex with this guy. Under normal circumstances, you probably would've restrained yourself, but the alcohol clearly lowered your inhibitions so when he came on to you, you simply let him have his way with you.

 

If this isn't the case, why are you not claiming rape?

 

 

 

This guy is my husbands mate - not the best one, but there's a lot of bromance going on.

I did not invite him to our house, and was not the only one that was drinking with him. And he tried about 12 months ago, we'v been out together after and nothing happened.

 

My husband quite often, while drunk, would leave me alone and go home withouth even telling me. That;s just the way he is.

 

After the first time, when he tried, he didn't even say anything. I woke him up and he went there and came back after few secs.

 

You may or may not belive me - I do not remember a thing that's happened. From leaving the place to him walking in. Even after that there;s a blank space, him throwing me on a floor, blank space and finally closing the door.

 

I'm not trying to find an excuse, not blaming it on alcohol, mates etc Just saying how it was.

 

Present or not - I was there and it's happened. Nothing can change it.

 

 

And no - I never fancied him, known him for about 3 years now. Nothing never happend, no long conversations, desire, spark. Just my husbands mate.

[dee85]

Your husband doesn't need to trust his mate, he only needs to trust you. He is not married to his mate. Report it if you believe he raped you. You woke up the moment you were caught, really?

 

 

I didn't "wake up", I just remember. It's like a flash...

[Chi townD]

 

You may or may not belive me - I do not remember a thing that's happened. From leaving the place to him walking in. Even after that there;s a blank space, him throwing me on a floor, blank space and finally closing the door.

 

I'm not trying to find an excuse, not blaming it on alcohol, mates etc Just saying how it was.

 

 

Well, we're just saying you're telling this story to complete strangers and we're having a hard time with it. You can only imagine what going through the mind of the person that knows you the best.

 

Regardless, it happened and you're right you can't change it. So, give him time and space. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

[ExpatInItaly]

I didn't "wake up", I just remember. It's like a flash...

 

So what exactly was your husband's reaction when he saw you? What did his friend say and do? And most importantly, what did YOU say and do?

[dee85]

Yep! I have to agree, you getting drunk with a guy that you've KNOWN has been after you is just plain stupid.

 

The hard part is that he actually witnessed you bent over on the table. That is burned into his mind and is never going to go away. And, I hate to say it, but most cases where infidelity is actually "caught in the act" don't make it for that simple fact that he won't be able to erase that from his memory.

 

I don't think you can call it rape, because I'm just having a hard time understanding that you blacked out, but you CAN remember your husband walking in on you having sex. Sorry, but there no such thing as "selective Blackout Periods" You be waking up the next morning wondering where your clothes and your husband are. So, it's time to get real and be honest. You made a bad choice and you got caught. Sure, it was a drunken choice, but you made it.

 

All I can tell you is that you need to give him some space. Lot's of it. He's got a lot to process and he may ask you some questions in the future. Answer them as honestly as you can, even if you know the answer is going to be painful to hear, you need to be honest.

 

And here's the rub, he may be done with the marriage. That's his choice and there's not much you can do about it. Look, you sound really remorseful about what happened and I wish I had more positive things to tell you. But, without understanding how your husband handled everything, I can only go by the stats that I know.

 

You stated you complied a list of things, self improvement stuff. What's on the list? We'll tell you if it's a good idea or not.

 

 

I'm more than happy to tell him whatever I remember. I've always been honest with him and I know that withouth saying everything there's not way (if he would like to) to start re-building what i destroyed.

 

First of all - it's stop drinking to a point when I don't know what's going around and with me

I think it's the biggest issue here (no, I'm not trying to blame it on booze)

 

I've never been flirtacious but maybe talk less to his mates

 

I also would like him to pay bit more attention to his mates and how they behave around me (few of them were flirtacious etc but he didn't care)

 

I've made an appointment with counselling clinic

 

 

I'm trying to give him as much space as possible.

 

I've made a horrible mistake and belive me or not - I'm paying a huge price for it. I'm not coping with the situation at all.

He's been everything to me, for him I stayed in this city, I;ve been supporting him financially, mentaly in every situation.

I do love him and I gave up a lot for him.

 

I know that he won't be able to forget but...there's always hope that he can forgive

 

If you have more suggestions, I'm happy to listen

[dee85]

So what exactly was your husband's reaction when he saw you? What did his friend say and do? And most importantly, what did YOU say and do?

 

 

He said "****ing hell" and walked out. I don't know what happened with his mate, when he left. I must have gone straight after my husband because I remember him pushing me on a floor...