My take on infidelity and leaving wife for OW.

[Leegh]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat, and that semi-happily MM may cheat, but probably won't leave their wives for the OW, because things are OK at home; not perfect, but not horrible. Lastly, I believe that unhappily MM probably would leave their wives for OW. Of course, there are variables, such as whether young children are involved. Also, I read that if a MM does leave his wife, he usually does so within six months of meeting the OW. Do you folks agree with this and what I have written above? I am no marriage expert, so I welcome other opinions.

[pteromom]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat

 

You lost me at your first sentence. Happily married men do cheat.

 

Sometimes it depends not on the state of the marriage, but on the character of the man.

 

Never forget that there are people who ENJOY lies and manipulation, and who feel powerful when using and hurting others. There are people who view life as a game and winning means having everything they want and lacking nothing. There are people who are deeply damaged who are unable to make decisions based on integrity or right/wrong. There are people who believe they are ENTITLED to sex and will do anything to get it if they don't feel satisfied in their marriages.

 

Sure, there are guys (and women) who are just hurting in their marriage, so they look elsewhere for love and acceptance. But not all of them. Not by a long shot.

[Pierre]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat,

 

That must come from the OW manual.

 

 

Happy people cheat all the time. However, they tell the OW they are unhappy. Maybe that is where you got your info.

[So happy together]

I have mixed feelings on this. I think that there must be some crack in the marriage for a person to cheat. If they were blissful, getting all the sex they want, everything was perfect, they probably wouldn't unless they are serial cheaters.

 

But... But. There are those that do anyway. The thing is, we don't know if there was a tiny crack in the marriage that nobody sees. Who knows.

 

It is true that the longer a WS stays in the marriage during an active affair, the less likely they are to leave.

[Pierre]

I have mixed feelings on this. I think that there must be some crack in the marriage for a person to cheat. If they were blissful, getting all the sex they want, everything was perfect, they probably wouldn't unless they are serial cheaters.

 

But... But. There are those that do anyway. The thing is, we don't know if there was a tiny crack in the marriage that nobody sees. Who knows.

 

It is true that the longer a WS stays in the marriage during an active affair, the less likely they are to leave.

 

There is variety in the planet:

 

 

Some cheat all the time regardless of being happy or not.

 

Others only cheat if they are unhappy. Beware, it is your duty to keep your guy happy 24/7. IMHO, no one can do that.

 

Some never cheat no matter how unhappy.

[So happy together]

There is variety in the planet:

 

 

Some cheat all the time regardless of being happy or not.

 

Others only cheat if they are unhappy. Beware, it is your duty to keep your guy happy 24/7. IMHO, no one can do that.

 

Some never cheat no matter how unhappy.

 

I think it is our duty to be happy as a couple and work on things. But I do see your point. Maybe it is just who we are. I've never cheated on a partner. Just not in me.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat, and that semi-happily MM may cheat, but probably won't leave their wives for the OW, because things are OK at home; not perfect, but not horrible. Lastly, I believe that unhappily MM probably would leave their wives for OW. Of course, there are variables, such as whether young children are involved. Also, I read that if a MM does leave his wife, he usually does so within six months of meeting the OW. Do you folks agree with this and what I have written above? I am no marriage expert, so I welcome other opinions.

 

First, my wife was happily married when she cheated.

 

Second, if a spouse is not happy, then there are honorable alternatives to adultery. One is to go to MC, the other is to file for divorce. There is nothing honorable about affairs and cheating on your spouse.

 

Third, if an AP will cheat with you, then they will cheat on you.

[So happy together]

First, my wife was happily married when she cheated.

 

Second, if a spouse is not happy, then there are honorable alternatives to adultery. One is to go to MC, the other is to file for divorce. There is nothing honorable about affairs and cheating on your spouse.

 

Third, if an AP will cheat with you, then they will cheat on you.

 

Sometimes, not always.

[HopingAgain]

Sometimes, not always.

 

The ones that don't are a needle in a haystack.

[HopingAgain]

Its true that some happily married people cheat. I would have a serious issue with someone who was perfectly happy but still felt the need to cheat. At least when the marriage is rocky, you can make.some sense of why the infidelity occurredn How.can one EVER trust a "happy cheater"?

[janedoe67]

First, my wife was happily married when she cheated.

 

Second, if a spouse is not happy, then there are honorable alternatives to adultery. One is to go to MC, the other is to file for divorce. There is nothing honorable about affairs and cheating on your spouse.

 

Third, if an AP will cheat with you, then they will cheat on you.

 

 

I'm not sure there is any moral distinction between "on" and "with." I'm always kind of amused when someone has no problem invading someone else's marriage and then says "I would never cheat."

 

I was very unhappy in my marriage when I cheated. BUT so what? I mean really. I've been really hungry with no cash too. I didn't knock over a convenience store.

 

I think the state of a marriage is a separate issue from an affair in many ways. There is likely a link between unhappiness and vulnerability. But I do not think an unhappy marriage "makes" someone cheat. And I do not think the OP gets a pass for invading a marriage just because the spouse "wasn't happy."

[HappyAtLast]

I'm not sure there is any moral distinction between "on" and "with."

 

Perhaps no moral distinction, but you have to allow that one's actions are not always dictated by one's morals, expecially when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

Perhaps there IS an emotional distinction between "on" and "with"?

[hippetyhop]

Do you think an affair A help the home situation?

 

For example, having an A can lessen the arguing at home since the OM/OW can be an outlet for venting purposes? Or, less arguing to raise any suspicions?

[janedoe67]

Perhaps no moral distinction, but you have to allow that one's actions are not always dictated by one's morals, expecially when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

Perhaps there IS an emotional distinction between "on" and "with"?

 

I think there is a self-deluding distinction between "on" and "with." INvading a marriage is invading a marriage, whether it is from the inside or outside.

 

I am not on moral high ground here. I am a WW. But at least I am honest about what I did without doing some word parsing dance.

[Sooverhim]

Do you think an affair A help the home situation?

 

For example, having an A can lessen the arguing at home since the OM/OW can be an outlet for venting purposes? Or, less arguing to raise any suspicions?

 

My XMM was/is happily married and always made that very clear to me, he loves his W and family and has a great life, he didn't want to change it, he just wanted sex. and that's where I came in.

 

Over the course of the 2 years we were having an A I actually felt his M became stronger, he became more firmly entrenched in his M and he seemed to become even happier with his W. Because I was providing him with the one thing he was missing in his M - sex - it meant he became even more content and comfortable in every aspect of his life - including his M. The only issue he had with his W was that she didn't like sex. When he was getting that need fulfilled by me his W became even more perfect to him, she fulfilled his every other need, and he didn't need her for sex!

[HappyAtLast]

I think there is a self-deluding distinction between "on" and "with." INvading a marriage is invading a marriage, whether it is from the inside or outside.

 

I am not on moral high ground here. I am a WW. But at least I am honest about what I did without doing some word parsing dance.

 

Understood. I have no moral high ground here either. I was a married man who left his then wife and married my affair partner.

 

That said, I DID choose to step out on my then wife. I have NEVER stepped out on my current wife. I would have sooner have cut off my right arm than hurt her. Hence, the "emotional vs moral". I don't believe it has to do with self-delusion, it is about how I feel about one vs the other and my willingness (or lack thereof) to hurt or risk my marriage.

 

I am just not a fan of generalizing, the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing thrown about around here can be situational, I believe.

[hippetyhop]

My XMM was/is happily married and always made that very clear to me, he loves his W and family and has a great life, he didn't want to change it, he just wanted sex. and that's where I came in.

 

Over the course of the 2 years we were having an A I actually felt his M became stronger, he became more firmly entrenched in his M and he seemed to become even happier with his W. Because I was providing him with the one thing he was missing in his M - sex - it meant he became even more content and comfortable in every aspect of his life - including his M. The only issue he had with his W was that she didn't like sex. When he was getting that need fulfilled by me his W became even more perfect to him, she fulfilled his every other need, and he didn't need her for sex!

 

Clear example as to how he was having his cake and eating it too!

[hippetyhop]

Understood. I have no moral high ground here either. I was a married man who left his then wife and married my affair partner.

 

That said, I DID choose to step out on my then wife. I have NEVER stepped out on my current wife. I would have sooner have cut off my right arm than hurt her. Hence, the "emotional vs moral". I don't believe it has to do with self-delusion, it is about how I feel about one vs the other and my willingness (or lack thereof) to hurt or risk my marriage.

 

I am just not a fan of generalizing, the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing thrown about around here can be situational, I believe.

 

We don't hear too many stories of the WS and the OW ending up together.

 

What was the breaking point/turning point? How long did that take?

[HappyAtLast]

We don't hear too many stories of the WS and the OW ending up together.

 

What was the breaking point/turning point? How long did that take?

 

I am afraid I am not a good example of the "married man leaves for affair partner" story. My marriage was over for many, many years before I allowed myself to consider having an affair. My last child was a few months from leaving for college when I met my now wife. I decided to allow myself a chance at happiness and not pass up an opportunity to be with this amazing and wonderful woman.

 

Our affair was quite short-lived.

[2sunny]

I have mixed feelings on this. I think that there must be some crack in the marriage for a person to cheat. If they were blissful, getting all the sex they want, everything was perfect, they probably wouldn't unless they are serial cheaters.

 

But... But. There are those that do anyway. The thing is, we don't know if there was a tiny crack in the marriage that nobody sees. Who knows.

 

It is true that the longer a WS stays in the marriage during an active affair, the less likely they are to leave.

 

It's not usually a crack in the M - but deceit on the part of the PERSON choosing to cheat.

 

People with cracks try to fix them all the time. A decent persons solution isn't to cheat - it's to divorce if need be.

 

You defending bad behavior by blaming it on the M is GTTING old.

 

Your guy is a cheat. Yes, I understand you love him- but he's still exhibited bad behavior and poor coping skills.

 

No amount of YOUR justifications can make his past different from the reality of what it really is.

[2sunny]

Lol. He did cheat. And then left. He is no longer a cheat. Next.

 

Since he cheated BEFORE he left - that will always mean he earned being the cheat.

 

It's part of his character. Yes, he's one who cheats.

 

Watch out - those types don't generally change the core being of themselves.

[2sunny]

Personally, I've seen men who have more than all their needs taken care of - and it still didn't keep them from cheating.

 

Ya never know, do ya?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

This is just absolute tosh and total denial. You believe it though if it makes you happy.

 

Which part, that my wife was happily married before she met the OM?

 

This is verbatim from my wife describing our relationship before her affair:

 

"We had been married for just over two years. My husband and I considered each other best friends, we were very compatible, and we were in love. Unlike other couples we knew, the two of us rarely fought. At times we chose to disagree, but together we did discuss our differences. I have always thought we communicated well. Truly everything seemed fine.

...

We would spend so many weekends hiking, exercising at the gym, dining out in favorite restaurants, going to the movies, and having great talks. And within that quality time there was a passion between us that has always been very strong. We both felt like we were still on the honeymoon."

 

 

She cheated because of her issues, not because of the marriage.

 

 

Of course I'm not going to say that our marriage was perfect. I would say that we were in the upper percentile range of "happily married".

 

 

I find it very telling that it are those actively in affairs that don't like to hear this. Who's in denial?

[Anna-Belle]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat, and that semi-happily MM may cheat, but probably won't leave their wives for the OW, because things are OK at home; not perfect, but not horrible. Lastly, I believe that unhappily MM probably would leave their wives for OW. Of course, there are variables, such as whether young children are involved. Also, I read that if a MM does leave his wife, he usually does so within six months of meeting the OW. Do you folks agree with this and what I have written above? I am no marriage expert, so I welcome other opinions.

 

My MM was a semi-happily MM who left his wife after an EMR of seven years.

 

If it's an exit affair the MM usually leaves within six months, if it's any other kind of affair it usually takes longer.

[So happy together]

So if you think he's an honest guy who was just in a bad marriage, and now that he's with you he'll be happy and will no longer cheat, why the need to get validation from strangers on the internet?

 

If you believe that, go with it. Hopefully you are right. I'll never agree with those who say cheaters will always cheat. Sometimes, it IS situational and they never cheat again.

 

Maybe you'll get lucky and your man will be one of those.

 

It's nothing to do with luck. It's to do with the fact that it was an exit affair, that he left the marriage soon after the affair began, that it was a planned exit, that we are happy together, that there has been therapy involved and that generally speaking it just isn't in his character. He's an honest man. Everyone has a glitch occasionally, especially if they are miserable.