My take on infidelity and leaving wife for OW.

[So happy together]

Sometimes these threads get bogged down with the W vs OW and OW vs W pride issues. It goes both ways. Not to point a finger at any one particular person as I also observe largesse of one side toward the other from time to time.

 

It's just, whichever side you happen to be on, W or OW, when you get overly caught up in the pride of your position you end up making a point for the "other side."

 

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!" works both ways!

 

I told my boyfriend this and we got a good chuckle out of it. The last line, anyway.

[Betterthanthis13]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat, and that semi-happily MM may cheat, but probably won't leave their wives for the OW, because things are OK at home; not perfect, but not horrible. Lastly, I believe that unhappily MM probably would leave their wives for OW. Of course, there are variables, such as whether young children are involved. Also, I read that if a MM does leave his wife, he usually does so within six months of meeting the OW. Do you folks agree with this and what I have written above? I am no marriage expert, so I welcome other opinions.

 

Sorry if I helped make this into an OW vs BS thread... I forgot what the OP actually was about..

 

I disagree with most of the OP. I think that any person in any state of marriage happiness can cheat if he chooses to. If a person has an internal personal ethics system that allows him to justify cheating for x reason, and he has the opportunity, he will do it. Many people do not have the ability to justify cheating for any reason. A person who can not justify cheating for any reason can still make the choice to cheat, if they determine it is the lesser of two evils in a given situation, but will experience great anguish over their decision and are not likely to repeat it.

[Nyla]

Love and romance are a funny thing. In fact only in love and romance will someone give blind trust because we tend to want to believe what the ones we love tell us. I am not being a pessimist. Just saying a person who lives far away can tell you anything and you cannot prove fact.

 

Isn't there an indie movie now turning into a reality television show which shows how many of these LD internet relationships have at least 1 person who is NOT telling the truth about their situation. It shows how easy it is to say and become anyone you want to be when your facts cannot be disputed and how people in these relationships will believe whatever is said since they become very invested emotionally.

 

Not saying at all this is what is happening to Happy. In fact I wish when her MM finally comes to live with her next week, life will be as she imagined.

 

All I can say is some people do "fantasy" very well. Reality does not work too well for some. Happy has 4 children this man will have to adjust to.He has a grown daughter and may have forgotten all that entails in raising kids. He may be ready in his mind. But will the reality of the situation translate?

 

I am all for love. But I am also realistic.

Many people will not do LDR anymore because the reality has not turned out well.

 

I don't believe in LDRs for all of the reasons you mentioned. It may work for some, but I am just too practical and cynical for that kind of relationship. People lie a great deal when they know they aren't going to be around someone very often.

[janedoe67]

If a person has an internal personal ethics system that allows him to justify cheating

 

This struck me. Then the post just after it did as well. I think the two posts kind of delineate the two kinds of cheaters.

 

There are the ones who, for lack of a better word, made a mistake, as mentioned above. They never ever thought they would be a cheater. T^hey allowed their boundaries to get weak, they let their unhappiness dictate their choices, etc. BUT...when confronted with the truth of what they chose to do, they have remorse. They are honest about the morality of it. And they change.

 

Then their are the people who fit the quote above. They just....think it's fine. Oh, they'll say they know it isn't, but there is always a reason that "their" situation isn't "really" adultery. Either the BS made them unhappy....or the BS of the person they choose to cheat with made the BS unhappy and "they were practically not even married anyway." The big difference is in category A, there is humility and honesty. In category B, there is an inability to say, "What I did was categorically wrong."

 

When cannot even say wrong is wrong outright, the chances of every turning from wrong are pretty much nil. And I think the latter type of cheater is the one who is more likely to leave a BS and stay with the AP. I do wonder, though, how two people who cannot even admit the wrongness of their actions do over the long haul if either one of them is ever "wrong" about anything again.

[Mimolicious]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat, and that semi-happily MM may cheat, but probably won't leave their wives for the OW, because things are OK at home; not perfect, but not horrible. Lastly, I believe that unhappily MM probably would leave their wives for OW. Of course, there are variables, such as whether young children are involved. Also, I read that if a MM does leave his wife, he usually does so within six months of meeting the OW. Do you folks agree with this and what I have written above? I am no marriage expert, so I welcome other opinions.

 

 

I can go on for days... Aint nobody got time for that though!

 

Anything is possible and people do stuff for many different reasons. In my experience, Happily married men do cheat and they leave. That doesn't mean they live happily ever after and the OW was the definition of perfection. They even regret it and ask to be back. Been there done that.

 

It is what it is. Every case is different.

[Betterthanthis13]

I agree. The thing is - people are human, and not perfect in any way. People make mistakes, plain and simple. The thing that bothers me about these kinds of threads is that it boils down to the choices the WS makes. Yes, every player plays a part (BS,AP,WS) but the only "blame" that should be given is on the WS. OW tend to blame BS, the BS tends to blame the OW, and WS tends to blame BS during the A, then OW after the A. The reality is that the blame lays squarely on the WS. Plain and simple.

 

Yes, pride tends to get in the way sometimes. no one is perfect.

 

People make mistakes, absolutely. All the time.

 

What is the definition of a mistake? When can an action no longer be considered a mistake?

[HopingAgain]

I can go on for days... Aint nobody got time for that though!

 

Anything is possible and people do stuff for many different reasons. In my experience, Happily married men do cheat and they leave. That doesn't mean they live happily ever after and the OW was the definition of perfection. They even regret it and ask to be back. Been there done that.

 

It is what it is. Every case is different.

 

I agree with every bit of this. It takes all kinds in life!

[whichwayisup]

You know, speaking of the Skype comment... I have to wonder how military wives would feel if you told them that... or anyone in a LD relationship, really. Told them that their relationship wasn't 'real'. Crazy to think how you would be received.

 

Not sure how a marriage can be compared to a LD. A couple gets married, builds a life together, has friends and family entwined, possibly children, they have a house and are husband and wife. He gets deployed - it's LD for a little while but he always comes home to his wife and children.

[MissBee]

I guess if it makes you feel better to think of me as still being the mistress, have at it. HE doesn't consider me his mistress, and I don't consider myself a mistress. BUT... I was his mistress in the beginning. I don't deny it. And if others choose to wait on a MM, that is their decision.

 

Adding to that, technically, if a BS is still married to a MM, she'll ALWAYS be BS, even if he ends the A, simply because he cheated... so she was betrayed... will always have that title. Until she leaves him and divorces.

 

People don't use the term betrayed spouse in real life as a title, I only see it used for discussion board purposes. However, offline, in real life, people do use the term side chick, other woman and mistress as actual names to denote women dating MM. I have never heard anyone say "That's his betrayed wife" but sure hear people whispering about "his OW/side chick"...not to mention, sometimes even if he leaves and is with the OW, people even on LS discuss how the family sometimes forever treats the OW as an other, or the children never grow to like her, as in their eyes she still wears a "scarlet letter",so to speak, while it is less common that the MM's family or BS's family and friends will go on to treat her differently because of her husband's A or have people go around calling her his "betrayed wife."

 

When affair scandals break out and make headlines people don't go around saying "the betrayed wife" this and that they talk about the OW/mistress this and that. I'm not saying it's right...just saying that society is not skewed in OW's favor and that label is one actually used in real life to talk about women seeing MM...and has way more negative connotation and press to it than the term BS. Even if the A stops...the OW often still wears the label and can't escape it. Even Camilla and Charles, which some OW site as a success story, truth is, most people only care about the fact that she was Charles' mistress and that's what they talk about and remember to this day and not even stuff about her in her own right as his legitimate wife. So mistress she is no more but that history never goes away and people will be like "Who is Camilla, wasn't that Prince Charles' mistress he married?" No one is calling Diana his betrayed wife though.

Edited August 3, 2013 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

 

When affair scandals break out and make headlines people don't go around saying "the betrayed wife" this and that they talk about the OW/mistress this and that. I'm not saying it's right...just saying that society is not skewed in OW's favor and that label is one actually used in real life to talk about women seeing MM...and has way more negative connotation and press to it than the term BS. Even if the A stops...the OW often still wears the label and can't escape it. Even Camilla and Charles, which some OW site as a success story, truth is, most people only care about the fact that she was Charles' mistress and that's what they talk about and remember to this day and not even stuff about her in her own right as his legitimate wife. So mistress she is no more but that history never goes away and people will be like "Who is Camilla, wasn't that Prince Charles' mistress he married?" No one is calling Diana his betrayed wife though.

 

What I hear, on this, is that he and Diana never should have married, and that he should have been strong enough to skip the whole PR exercise and marry the woman he loved, and that his marriage to Diana was a farce.

 

The focus is on Charles, not Camilla. And he seems to be totally forgiven for cheating because it was a true love story.

 

I didn't think he'd get away with it so easily in the UK, to be honest. What I've found interesting is that, broadly, it's the same from young and older generations alike.

[janedoe67]

What I hear, on this, is that he and Diana never should have married, and that he should have been strong enough to skip the whole PR exercise and marry the woman he loved, and that his marriage to Diana was a farce.

 

The focus is on Charles, not Camilla. And he seems to be totally forgiven for cheating because it was a true love story.

 

I didn't think he'd get away with it so easily in the UK, to be honest. What I've found interesting is that, broadly, it's the same from young and older generations alike.

 

Probably so.

 

But, the thing is, once he married Diana...he was MARRIED.

 

And Camilla should have back the frack off.

 

Their continued relationship was a reflection of the character of BOTH Charles and Camilla.

[JustAReformedGirl]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat, and that semi-happily MM may cheat, but probably won't leave their wives for the OW, because things are OK at home; not perfect, but not horrible. Lastly, I believe that unhappily MM probably would leave their wives for OW. Of course, there are variables, such as whether young children are involved. Also, I read that if a MM does leave his wife, he usually does so within six months of meeting the OW. Do you folks agree with this and what I have written above? I am no marriage expert, so I welcome other opinions.

 

I'd say your opinion more or less makes sense, but like you said, there are other variables. Children certainly are a large variable, but there are mutual friends, family members, belongings, work-related issues, and so on.

 

I agree that entirely happy MM or MW don't cheat. I also agree that slightly unhappy MM and MW might cheat (obviously not all of them will), but not be looking to leave their marriage. Of course, the affair is a poor choice, and if they're still at least half happy in the marriage, they should be expending their efforts on fixing it, not messing around.

 

Likewise, in a fully unhappy marriage, the affair doesn't help said marriage; either in repairing it, or leaving it. For some, the affair is an exit affair. For others, it may be more.

 

It's redundant to bring up what we should or shouldn't do. We all know affairs are wrong, in the fact that other people get hurt because of them-and by extension, we hurt ourselves. Sadly, some of us still find ourselves going down that road. For some, it's purely physical; but for a lot, there are emotions involved. Sometimes it's just lust and infatuation, but other times, it is love. In the cases of love...it's quite a bit more devastating.

 

Edit: There are of course, exceptions to the rule. As others have pointed out, some supposedly "happy" people do cheat; because they lack any moral standing, it doesn't affect them. Otherwise, happy people with a sense of conscious are unlikely to go down that road.

Edited August 3, 2013 by Rebel-Dynasty

[jlola]

I always wonder when I hear "Happy people do not cheat". Well, internally most cheaters are not happy. It has nothing to do with the relationship. Most of the times, it is about the cheater.

 

If "happy" people(to me it means someone who is in a good relationship with a good person) did not cheat, then people who are dating or engaged would not cheat. many have not had years of lids,bills mundane life to share.

 

But cheating is still common among that group. Many stay in the relationship happy to have stability and someone on the side.

 

I think many cheaters have little self awareness and do use the "unhappy " excuse to themselves and others since they cannot examine what is lacking within.

 

How many times has a cheater been caught in an affair or ONS. He may have blamed his behavior on the partner. But when his partner is gone, He is still miserable. So unaware of self is he, he will often try his best to get back what is now lost. He pines for what is not in his reach anymore and sees it was not the reason for his unhappiness.

 

Usually, the reason for his "unhappiness" comes with not appreciating what we do have. But pining and longing for what we do not.

 

Then when we get what we longed for. After the build up of how great it will be and how it will keep us perpetually happy. We are again in for the downfall. Searching again for this "happiness" that eludes us.

 

This is why so many who are in healthy and happy relationships are "unhappy". Self awareness is key. Look within for answers. Searching for answers externally ,seeking validation and always seeking the chemical highs of new love will not make you happy.