My take on infidelity and leaving wife for OW.

[So happy together]

And sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it's a personality defect. Sometimes it's depression and has nothing to do with the spouse, sometimes it's a "midlife" crisis, sometimes it's just an ego stroke.

 

I read somewhere that most affairs happen at the workplace. That being said, I find it odd that so many people are finding their "soulmates'," love of their life", at work. How convenient!!!! Considering you spend more time at work than you do at home:). It's proximity and little else.

 

I find it sickening:sick: when OW/OM choose to blame the BS or the marriage. That is the flimsy excuse they NEED to use in order to justify an affair, otherwise the guilt / shame would eat them alive.

 

I find it sickening when the spouse won't take their share in the blame of the marriage failing.

[waterwoman]

I read somewhere that most affairs happen at the workplace. That being said, I find it odd that so many people are finding their "soulmates'," love of their life", at work. How convenient!!!! Considering you spend more time at work than you do at home:). It's proximity and little else.

 

 

Oh my lordy! If I had to find my soulmate at work I'd be a long time single I work with some real nerdy social inadequates.......

[cocorico]

 

I read somewhere that most affairs happen at the workplace. That being said, I find it odd that so many people are finding their "soulmates'," love of their life", at work.

 

Unsurprising. You choose a profession that embodies your interests and aptitudes. So do they. So people in the same field already have some interests in common, as well as day-to-day priorities and schedules. If the spouse works in a different field, or not at all, then in many cases what they have in common shrinks to the kids, and chores around the house that need doing. Little wonder that people grow apart and find connection elsewhere, with those whose interests and concerns mirror their own.

[janedoe67]

It isn't just the men who manipulate. Women can be just as predatory as men.

[Coolit]

Jane, agree and that's a whole other Oprah...women who become successful and then use their looks or power to damage themselves and others....not a step forward for women in my mind. I do see more hurt OWs on these forums than men however...

 

This could be because women are more likely to seek a forum than men. In example, my husband was betrayed by me. He sought his best friend to talk to (his friend had been cheated on by his wife right after their marriage quite a few years ago). Neither of these men sought the forum. And the man i cheated with who is now an OM would never seek advice online. Just chicks to talk dirty to.

[Furious]

My belief is that happily married men do not cheat, and that semi-happily MM may cheat, but probably won't leave their wives for the OW, because things are OK at home; not perfect, but not horrible. Lastly, I believe that unhappily MM probably would leave their wives for OW. Of course, there are variables, such as whether young children are involved. Also, I read that if a MM does leave his wife, he usually does so within six months of meeting the OW. Do you folks agree with this and what I have written above? I am no marriage expert, so I welcome other opinions.

 

To answer your opening post. On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I even offered to pay for the wedding. Funny how when the WS who's been sneaking around and lying is like a deer caught in headlights when the door to their prison cell is wide open, ironically the darn key to his prison cell was in his pocket the whole time. To my shock that was the last thing he wanted and he was overwhelmed by my enthusiasm that he go on his way to being "happy".

 

It's astounding how many people are trampled on in the pursuit of happiness.

 

Some people find happiness in giving while others find it in taking and will lie cheat and steal to attain "happiness".

 

Yes, some marriages should dissolve but falling out of love should not equate with falling out of respect. Cheating is disrespectful and I doubt that anyone can truly be happy without also being respectful to others.

[janedoe67]

That is a good point, furious. When someone cheats, no matter how much they try to dance around with shiny things to argue the contrary...one thing they do not have is respect: respect for boundaries, respect for others, and self-respect. I know I didn't.

 

A person of respect respects themselves and others too much to be involved in deceit and betrayal. Because it IS deceit and betrayal.

[So happy together]

To answer your opening post. On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I even offered to pay for the wedding. Funny how when the WS who's been sneaking around and lying is like a deer caught in headlights when the door to their prison cell is wide open, ironically the darn key to his prison cell was in his pocket the whole time. To my shock that was the last thing he wanted and he was overwhelmed by my enthusiasm that he go on his way to being "happy".

 

It's astounding how many people are trampled on in the pursuit of happiness.

 

Some people find happiness in giving while others find it in taking and will lie cheat and steal to attain "happiness".

 

Yes, some marriages should dissolve but falling out of love should not equate with falling out of respect. Cheating is disrespectful and I doubt that anyone can truly be happy without also being respectful to others.

 

HA! Mine RAN out the door.

[anne1707]

Unsurprising. You choose a profession that embodies your interests and aptitudes. So do they. So people in the same field already have some interests in common, as well as day-to-day priorities and schedules. If the spouse works in a different field, or not at all, then in many cases what they have in common shrinks to the kids, and chores around the house that need doing. Little wonder that people grow apart and find connection elsewhere, with those whose interests and concerns mirror their own.

 

I know you would like to believe this as it makes it all sound so much more gratifying (and insulting the BW yet again) but in reality its more about what is close to you is convenient. It is the propinquity effect. A well known psychological effect which demonstrates that you are more likely to build a relationship with someone who is in close physical proximity to you just because they are in close proximity. I would have thought that as someone who always goes on about wanting studies quoted instead of anecdotes you would have known about this concept.

 

http://www.psychologyconcepts.com/propinquity-effect/

[Snowflower]

Unsurprising. You choose a profession that embodies your interests and aptitudes. So do they. So people in the same field already have some interests in common, as well as day-to-day priorities and schedules. If the spouse works in a different field, or not at all, then in many cases what they have in common shrinks to the kids, and chores around the house that need doing. Little wonder that people grow apart and find connection elsewhere, with those whose interests and concerns mirror their own.

 

If sharing a common career was so important then perhaps the would-be WS should have considered marrying someone from within his career field.

 

No excuse. That doesn't fly.

 

My H tried that cr!p as partial justification for his affair. He went on about how she understood the day-to-day hassles of that particular industry.

 

I said, "I love my chosen career path and you know that. I can talk to you about the challenges of my day and you can talk about yours. No, we may not perfectly understand what the other is facing but isn't it good to have each partner in the marriage happy and involved in their chosen career?"

[jlola]

I know you would like to believe this as it makes it all sound so much more gratifying (and insulting the BW yet again) but in reality its more about what is close to you is convenient. It is the propinquity effect. A well known psychological effect which demonstrates that you are more likely to build a relationship with someone who is in close physical proximity to you just because they are in close proximity. I would have thought that as someone who always goes on about wanting studies quoted instead of anecdotes you would have known about this concept.

 

http://www.psychologyconcepts.com/propinquity-effect/

 

 

Close proximity is usually why most affairs start. In Hollywood, many men marry their makeup artist and some even their nannies.

 

I agree if it had not been close proximity , I wonder if many would have gotten together if they met under regular circumstances.

Ex: Usher Raymond and Tamika Raymond.

 

Here was an older woman with 3 kids,who was not very attractive. But she was taken,married , I guess gave this an all forbidden feel. And competition for a prize he realized later was not worth all of what he sacrificed(his relationship with his mother took a hit since she did not approve) He could have had any young girl without baggage. But I guess he liked the thrill of the chase and besides,he was lazy and she was right there.

 

Foster has five children. Her first son was born during her teenage years. Her second and third sons were born to Atlanta-based clothier Ryan Glover, whom she had been dating since 1998. They married in 2002 and separated and divorced on March 13, 2007[4]

In 2006 while still married to Ryan glover, Foster became involved romantically with singer Usher, who had hired her as a stylist. He proposed to her in January 2007 and announced their engagement in February. They married on August 3, 2007 in a private ceremony.[5] Foster's fourth and Usher's first child, son Usher Raymond V, was born November 26, 2007.[6] On December 10, 2008, Foster gave birth to her fifth child, son Naviyd Ely Raymond.[7]In June 2009, Usher filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.

 

 

And my all time favorite "Lazy man" who falls in love with any women within close proximity. Tony Hawk!!!!

 

 

 

 

According to What Would Tyler Durden Do (wwtdd.com): "[Hawk] first got married in 1990, then divorced her to marry the nanny, then divorced the nanny to marry his publicist. Well now he’s divorcing the publicist, and he’s doing that, according to a source, because he’s having yet another affair. This time with a woman who is also married, to someone named Matt Goodman." Who just happens to be his best friend of over 20 years!

 

 

 

Edited July 25, 2013 by jlola

[Eggplant]

How about Swartzeneger??(I'm positive I spelled that wrong) He had a "love" child with the maid...I have to say, the maid paled, and I mean paled in comparison to Maria Shriver.

Usually the mistress pales in comparison to the wife, although she may be younger and have that edge. In general, the women who are more attractive overall don't have to resort to being mistresses.

[Baby123]

HA! Mine RAN out the door.

 

As did mine... Not even a dday

[cocorico]

As did mine... Not even a dday

 

Funny - mine did too!

[cocorico]

As well as proximity. I know you want to believe that "true love" is just that. True love. Many WS would never look twice at the AP if they just met them at some random place. The "attraction" happens when people start talking about their personal problems, personal lives (PROXIMITY) The boundaries get smashed. It's far from soulmate material. The heavens don't open and the planets do not align for your "special love" for the AP/MP. It's human psychology. It's also why the AP gets thrown away like garbage on Dday (in most cases).

 

I don't doubt that proximity matters in some cases. People shag neighbours, postmen, au pairs, the kids' teacher, the parish priest. I wasn't talking about those cases. I was attempting to go beyond the obvious to explore why sometimes, despite there *not* being proximity, and despite them meeting "at some random place", the MP is drawn to the AP.

 

I did not work with my H when we met. We worked in the same field, but on different continents. There was no physical proximity, only intellectual and political proximity. And no, we didn't talk about our personal problems. We spoke about ideas, about possible joint projects, about dreams, aspirations, politics, about people we both knew, about experiences we had in common, about the stars, the night, the town we were in, about mutual attraction, about sex, about what we would want from each other if we did.

 

[quote name=beenkilled;5077711IMO anyone that feels "miserable" in a marriage and chooses to leave it by way of an affair is a coward. They didn't have the guts to leave and be single' date=' they had to have someone else to hang on to, stroking their ego, telling them they "deserve happiness". It's quite pathetic and only shows them to be the coward they are. I wouldn't want a "poor, miserable, soul" that only stayed with their spouse out of cowardice. The OW/ OM is welcome to that! Welcome to be responsible for the MP's 24/7 happiness. Good luck with it. Of course your situation is different. How can you have respect for a MP who does that? I couldn't. Don't you think that he'll grow unhappy with you? That your R will get old/ boring/ stale? Then what? Will he start looking for another "soulmate" that understands his poor pathetic misery...because you (his new wife) just doesn't understand him?[/quote]

 

Given that its claimed here that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, I have nothing to worry about on that score. Since he did t do that last time around either. But thanks for the concern!

[MissBee]

Unsurprising. You choose a profession that embodies your interests and aptitudes. So do they. So people in the same field already have some interests in common, as well as day-to-day priorities and schedules. If the spouse works in a different field, or not at all, then in many cases what they have in common shrinks to the kids, and chores around the house that need doing. Little wonder that people grow apart and find connection elsewhere, with those whose interests and concerns mirror their own.

 

So let me understand this...if your spouse works in a different profession than you do results in your only interests being your kids and chores...what interests made them date, fall in love and marry? How curious. Did they not know they had nothing in common since they didn't have the same profession while dating and before marrying? Or was it only after the kids were born did it dawn on them that since they didn't have similar jobs, they had nothing in common?

 

People choose professions for all kinds of reasons frankly. Some people choose a profession because it makes them money, as simple as that. I wouldn't do that, but for many people that is exactly what they do. They don't care about it fulfilling them and may have no deep interest in it beyond they can do it and it pays the bills. You have admitted your identity is tied to your work and not relationships, not everyone is this way. Some people value relationships more than their profession and some people simply do their job and leave work at work, and outside of the job is where their real passions lie in terms of hobbies, extracurricular activities, friendships and family. Many people leave work at work and their outside life is very different and they even want people not at all in their line of work so they can have down time from the job.

 

I have no interest in a man being in the same profession as I am, so long as in his profession he is successful and satisfied and we understand what each other does and can support each other and run things by each other. I have colleagues if I really need someone to understand my work. My relationship and home life are separate things from what I need at work and vice-versa. What I do is a passion for me, so I do need a man who understands...but his understanding doesn't require him to also be in that profession and my work is not the end-all-be-all of who I am but just one compartment of my life, it bleeds over at times, but what I need from my colleagues and my significant other...vastly different. The only career in which I see this being very important is probably those dating celebrities, as their schedules and lifestyle are very different from normal, and another celebrity will probably be able to handle and resonate with it more than someone not famous....but if you're a teacher, I doubt you need to date another teacher or a doctor needs to date another doctor etc.

 

Some people also have jobs and not really a profession, so it matters not if their significant other understands it as it isn't an all-consuming life choice...and these people who have jobs and not professional careers also have affairs. The proximity theory makes a lot more sense than the similar interest theory re jobs/professions, as many people separate business from pleasure and do not require a mate be in their profession, as well as many times you also may have little in common with your colleagues or coworkers besides the job. If you've already married someone not in your profession, you clearly had some other common interests, so it makes no sense that now all of a sudden you don't have any common interests but you and your coworker do, merely because they have the same job description. I would hope people are more multifaceted than that and their interests are broader than what they do for a living. Clearly my colleagues and I can relate on the basis of what we do...but even so...dating and being in a relationship requires so many more qualities and interests besides what we do for work. I joke about professional soulmates, where work wise, we're on the same wavelength, but in terms of other interests, nope...zero outside chemistry, even going for drinks sometimes can be awkward with some of the people with whom I'm on the same wavelength when we're planning a conference or working on a paper together. It seems lots of successful relationships don't hinge at all on whether or not people have similar jobs but on other qualities.

Edited July 26, 2013 by MissBee

[Baby123]

I understand when people make vows they are meant to be forever but in a lot of cases, their not. Not just people who are in A's but people divorce for all types of reasons.

 

Some people like my separated married man, got married very young, when his friends were getting married and married a woman who he at the time loved or thought he did. But as the years went on they faced problems, like in every relationship; both of their faults. MM ended up staying largley for his children. Of course they had good times, but he always felt he had made a mistake in marrying her.

 

He found it very difficult that she relied fully on him and did not have a professional life and that they did not have much in common. Since he is work obsessed it makes sense that he found this a problem.

 

Then he met me, felt his kids were old enough and got the hell out of their. He treats the BS the best he can. He might be selfish, she might be selfish but just because people once said vows, does not mean they are in love. People stay for all kinds of reasons, kids, assets, family.

Edited July 26, 2013 by Baby123

[Baby123]

So you ARE quite proud of that. I thought so. Congrats ladies You won. What a mighty good man you've found. Good luck. I really mean that.

 

 

 

if he was already separated (living apart) from his wife when he met you...why do you consider yourself an OW?

 

 

 

 

 

Really so he wasn't married to someone else when he started "dating" you? He was living alone and single? Then why do you consider yourself an OW?

 

 

He was with her when we met, we had a short A, over the Xmas period, he left straight after to be with me

[Turtles]

He was with her when we met, we had a short A, over the Xmas period, he left straight after to be with me

 

I would take that to mean the marriage was already on its last leg if it just took a little push for him to leave.

 

Obviously not great of him to have had an affair etc but at least he didn't deceive his spouse for years on end... In my opinion the continued deception, more than the act of breaking the vow, is the part that is really reprehensible and representative of a flawed character. In as much as there can be degrees of wrongness in an affair. But you are not an OW in the way most posters are on this site, involved in a long term affair. And some may turn their nose and call you a homewrecker and him a cheater but they are not in your or his shoes either, and some marriages just need to be put out of their misery.

[Baby123]

I would take that to mean the marriage was already on its last leg if it just took a little push for him to leave.

 

Obviously not great of him to have had an affair etc but at least he didn't deceive his spouse for years on end... In my opinion the continued deception, more than the act of breaking the vow, is the part that is really reprehensible and representative of a flawed character. In as much as there can be degrees of wrongness in an affair. But you are not an OW in the way most posters are on this site, involved in a long term affair. And some may turn their nose and call you a homewrecker and him a cheater but they are not in your or his shoes either, and some marriages just need to be put out of their misery.

 

He hated the lying, most A sex is meant to be remarkable, our 2 months was the opposite, due to his guilt. But one time he didn't do the right thing was remembering back to when he left, we had to put the date back a week as his apartment wasn't ready. I was angry, felt he should stay in a hotel for a week (I was visiting family so couldn't be with him) and he decided to stay at home that week. I found it cruel, she was suspicious and hopeful for that week and as much as I knew I had done things to hurt her my intention was not to drive someone mad.

[CognizantShea]

I think Happily Married Man do cheat. Those who are unhappy are much more likely to cheat to find fullfilment but sometimes people get bored whether happy or not they just want something different, something new. Its almost like getting that job you only dreamed of getting but worked your a** off for 8 years in school. You were so elated once you made it and knew nothing else would ever compare. However after many years of doing that same job you still love it none the less but your bored out of your mind and need something EXTRA to give you that old excitement; sometimes relationships are no different. How much a man loves you and values you will determine if they leave you for the OW or not. (P.S I am not a cheater but I was in a serious relationship with one for 7 years. Though he would never admit it, I grew to learn his ways/character/way of thinking and feeling). My Honest opinion.

[So happy together]

So you ARE quite proud of that. I thought so. Congrats ladies You won. What a mighty good man you've found. Good luck. I really mean that.

 

 

 

if he was already separated (living apart) from his wife when he met you...why do you consider yourself an OW?

 

 

 

 

 

Really so he wasn't married to someone else when he started "dating" you? He was living alone and single? Then why do you consider yourself an OW?

 

I did find a wonderful man. And we were nowhere near one another. 1700 miles apart, 18 years later. Because even after 18 years, we still gravitated toward one another. 18 years and I still get giddy.

 

And I am proud of him. He left. Because he deserves some shred of happiness in his life. He tried to tame the shrew... it didn't work.

[jlola]

I did find a wonderful man. And we were nowhere near one another. 1700 miles apart, 18 years later. Because even after 18 years, we still gravitated toward one another. 18 years and I still get giddy.

 

And I am proud of him. He left. Because he deserves some shred of happiness in his life. He tried to tame the shrew... it didn't work.

 

How long have you both been married and living together? Did you have children? Did he relocate to your area, or you his?

[MissBee]

How long have you both been married and living together? Did you have children? Did he relocate to your area, or you his?

 

I find it naive to compare a years long relationship to a a new one..affair or not. Emotionally I get it..we all are in love and think our relationship will last and be more special than whomever our partner was with before...so emotionally yea. But logically, if my boyfriend was with his last woman 8 years and she lived with him and I've been with him 8 months long distance, some factors can't be compared.

 

If the MM had been married say 15 years and he wasn't unhappy or didn't start cheating until year 12....how can you compare your months long affair or even say 3 year affair, long distance relationship to the over a decade live-in situation. You don't know what the future holds for you, just like MM and BS didn't either. Logically, most times in the months long or 3 year stages of a marriage the couple was happy, cheating nowhere on the horizon too. With time though and life's curve balls is when things began to unfold or better yet, unravel. It's like OW sometimes don't see this, and just assume how things are now, it will forever be this way and act like in the marriage it was NEVER good and from day one it was bad so it won't happen to them since it is so good in the present. For some, yea okay maybe some person chose to marry some horrible person from day one...many others were in love, liked their spouse, married them and felt the same way you feel in your affair....and then time/stress/bad coping skills/falling out of love happened.

 

So frankly, until your relationship goes through some of the same things, like living together in the open for years, or reaches up to or exceeds the time of the marriage...there is still time for you to suffer the same fate.

 

Now, I'm not saying that they are the same relationship so will go through the same fate. I'm just saying, with a cheater or conflict avoidant person etc...you cannot really be so smug in less than a year that all will be well...when you simply haven't had enough time accumulated for things to go bad...so of course in your months or few years it is easy for it to seem lovely, but it may say nothing of how it evolves as the years and shiny newness wears off when you aren't the doting long distance lover but live in gf with her children and all that entails and the twists and turns life can and does hand people. The months or years of an affair, especially a long distance one, cannot be compared reasonably to yeaars or decades of marriage or an open cohabiting relationship...two different playing fields.

Edited July 30, 2013 by MissBee

[HopingAgain]

Funny - mine did too!

 

But you, Happy, and Baby realize cases like this are in the vast, vast, VAST minority, right?