Does it matter how MM/MW come to be with you?

[Elfie]

For the OW/OM who are now in an exclusive/official relationship with their AP, how many are as a result of the MM/MW going to their OW/OW because their BS did not want them - and did it matter to the OW/OM that they are now in an official relationship with their AP only as a result of the BS ending the marriage for reasons other than a D-Day? In other words, the MM/MW did not choose to leave/end the marriage?

 

I am specifically interested in cases where there was no D-Day and the A wasn't discovered (in other words, the marriage ended due to the BS having other reasons/issues or just wanting out of the marriage).

 

I just wonder if it made a difference, or if it matters to the OW/OM that much, just so long as they are together in the end?

 

My reason for asking is that as a former BS and OW, thinking over how/why/ etc, that the pain of being the OW was so deep and painful, I loved him even though he was bad in many ways, it was certainly easier to get out of the marriage as a BS (in my situation it was because he was violent and I felt nothing for him by that stage) and if I had to, as OW, would I have taken on my MM no matter what circumstances he came to me under? I'm curious to know if it happened to anyone and how did/do they feel?

 

I would imagine it would be somewhere niggling away in the OW/OM's subconcious?

[MissBee]

I want someone who chooses me fully and whom I also choose fully.

 

I don't want to be your backup, default, soft landing, safety net, etc.

 

I am not with my exAP and we didn't have a dday. However, the only way I'd feel good is if he chose to end things with his SO and then we start our new open life. If there was a dday and that prompted him...I know it would leave a bad taste in my mouth and leave room to more doubts than if he outs himself for the purposes of ending it and then choosing me. Him being discovered just seems like a backdoor, it wasn't his choice but now that it happened why not scenario and is not as strong and reassuring a statement as if he of his own volition, mans up and does it.

Edited July 17, 2013 by MissBee

[Got it]

That is going to be a fairly small group I think.

 

Not sure if I can fully answer it but he and I are together and yes I am very happy we are together. It would come down to details, both small and large. In my situation, I am fine with "how he came to me".

[2sure]

Specifically asking about affairs that had no DDay or discovery by BS...but ended up with BS divorcing for other reasons...and the affair partners ended up together?

 

I don't think I've read one on here like that.

 

Most affairs continue until DDay and sometimes after. Those that divorce, do so because the affair was discovered or revealed.

[kareena]

For the OW/OM who are now in an exclusive/official relationship with their AP, how many are as a result of the MM/MW going to their OW/OW because their BS did not want them - and did it matter to the OW/OM that they are now in an official relationship with their AP only as a result of the BS ending the marriage for reasons other than a D-Day? In other words, the MM/MW did not choose to leave/end the marriage?

 

I am specifically interested in cases where there was no D-Day and the A wasn't discovered (in other words, the marriage ended due to the BS having other reasons/issues or just wanting out of the marriage).

 

I just wonder if it made a difference, or if it matters to the OW/OM that much, just so long as they are together in the end?

 

My reason for asking is that as a former BS and OW, thinking over how/why/ etc, that the pain of being the OW was so deep and painful, I loved him even though he was bad in many ways, it was certainly easier to get out of the marriage as a BS (in my situation it was because he was violent and I felt nothing for him by that stage) and if I had to, as OW, would I have taken on my MM no matter what circumstances he came to me under? I'm curious to know if it happened to anyone and how did/do they feel?

 

I would imagine it would be somewhere niggling away in the OW/OM's subconcious?

 

My xMM never got caught and he still went ahead with the divorce although she was completely against the idea and tried her best to work things out. I know that this doesn't apply to the specific scenario you're asking about but I feel like it wouldn't have really mattered to me even if things were different.

 

I guess it's definitely more of an ego boost when the MM leaves by choice and doesn't come to you only because he was kicked out but I feel like OW don't really care because when you're tangled up in an A all you care about is reaching your ultimate goal of "being together" not to mention that you are past the point of contemplating whether "The end justifies the means" or not.

[kareena]

Oh and I forgot to mention that he did eventually dump me. I guess I just enabled him to take a decision he has been wanting to take for years and once that was over and done with,well, my part was over and he was no longer interested.