I think he's coming back...

[deeelight]

Three days ago my ex finally 'talked' after 4 months.

4 months of torture for me. We were looking at rings one week, the next week we were discussing where I was going to live because he was leaving me-I lived with him. See, things got a bit rough in regards to finances and I was having a hard time helping him with the bills. His parents, after a few more interesting, unfortunate, and completely unexpected events, talked him into leaving me. I had to move 600 miles away, to where my parents owned a house that was vacant (Thanks MOM ) In the mean time, I have not gotten over him. I have tried and tried but it has been so devastating. I lost him, moved to a city I know nothing about, no friends, no family here, just a phone and this computer. 4 months of talking to myself-literally- please don't laugh. Cats dpn't talk back. I got a puppy but he hasn't figured out how to say potty... Did you ever catch yourself thinking outloud. I did that a lot. I would think out loud and say to myself,"god, your talking to yourself." Then I'd realize that I had just said THAT out loud... Anyway, the emphasis here is on incredible loneliness I never imagined. I had no friends to come over andf hang out while I worked through this.

Three days ago I spent 6 hours on the phone with him from 11pm to 6am. He cried more than I did. He told me that he still loved me, that there was nothing I could do to make him not love me. He told me that he started drinking everyday after I left-because He couldn't deal with it. He was trying to fill a void by hanging out with other girls. And he told me that it didn't work. I never knew any of this. During the time that I was here all alone, and thought that he was doing just fine, he was in misery as well. He never let on, always acted busy and uninterested in serious discussions. Fact was, he was trying to cover up the pain and ignore that it existed so that he could go on with his life.

I told him how I really felt, because I, too was trying to hide the fact that I was dying.

We talked about what went wrong. We talked about the what if's that we could have done to avoid it. We talked about how much we loved eachother. He must have said sorry 100 times.

 

BUT, he never said he wanted to come back.

 

I spent all day yesterday and today trying to figure out what just happened and I called him to get a glimps. Suddenly he is so gentle speaking to me, he hasn't been that way since 2 weeks before I left. He's always been so stubborn and hard, and would never let on that he cared, because he didn't want to care. He didn't want to love me anymore because it hurt so bad. Now... I don't know.

I would like to think that we have made the first steps to clear the air. Tonight when I talked to him, he was very serious in telling me that it was OKAY, that I wasn't bothering him, and that he would like to talk. Music to my ears. He asked how my family felt about him, and I told him that they don't hate him, just feel bad for us, and are worried about me. They just don't want me to get hurt. But they do still like him. He was quiet for a minute, and then asked me to tell them he said hi. Strange, he didn't ever really talk to my family since they live across the country. He met my parents once, and my sister and brother once. "tell them I said hi." Am I being to analytical?

I told him that "If you ever need anything, you can call me, though you probably won't." He said "You never know", in a soft manner, and told me the same. A friendly hang up this time, after 4 months of coldness, stubborness, and isolation.

 

So, what do you think? If you're interested, I'll share what I did. N/C worked, I think. First two weeks, then called for some purpose I made up just to hear his voice. No hint of him changing his mind then, so I went another week and a half. The poitn here was that he loved me dearly, and I knew it, because everytime I got serious he would start crying, and tell me he didn't want to talk anymore. This last time, he unloaded his heart and I love him more for that. Out of 6 hours of talking, three days ago, he cried more than I did. He cried for at least 5 out of those 6 hours. I am thanking God now, that there's a chance. We were so good for eachother, we should have been able to work it out. Maybe, if miracles do still happen, we'll get a second chance.

[Scott S]

So, what do you think? If you're interested, I'll share what I did. N/C worked, I think. First two weeks, then called for some purpose I made up just to hear his voice. No hint of him changing his mind then, so I went another week and a half. The poitn here was that he loved me dearly, and I knew it, because everytime I got serious he would start crying, and tell me he didn't want to talk anymore. This last time, he unloaded his heart and I love him more for that. Out of 6 hours of talking, three days ago, he cried more than I did. He cried for at least 5 out of those 6 hours. I am thanking God now, that there's a chance. We were so good for eachother, we should have been able to work it out. Maybe, if miracles do still happen, we'll get a second chance.

 

You'll never know unless you try, of course.

 

You should be aware that after all this, things will never be "back to normal," though. You're relationship has changed, as have the both of you.

 

That doesn't preclude reconciling, of course, as long as you change the things that led to the break-up in the first place.

 

Good luck!

[deeelight]

One of the things that have been on my mind, even before this development is would we be able to have what we had, again. I have changed. This devastated me, I have never been so hurt by someone who was supposed to love me and stand by me. There is definitely a trust issue. He has changed too. It appears he has grown up a little. Just the fact that he recognized the harm he caused is something to think about. I don't know if we'd be able to get it back. I think that there would definitely be a conversation or two about open communication and loyalty to the relationship. No marriage lasts without the strength in both parties to work through the hard times, as there will always be hard times. I would make him promise that he will stick through thick and thin, like I would. Though it probably won't be as it was, maybe, since we have both changed for the better, the new beginning, if there is one, will be far better than it was before. This has been a learning experience for us both, and maybe we can apply what we've learned this time, and grow because of it, as we both still love eachother tremendously. I guess we'll see. I have decided that I need to forgive him and let it go if I want to make it work. I have to be understanding and forgiving. He has to learn that in a relationship you are responsible to the other, and stand by them, even when you don't agree. He has to understand that no one is perfect. Which, now, I think he has realized.

If there is a reconciliation, it will involve long discussions and agreement, mainly, promises not to let this go again, that breaking up is not an alternative when things get tough. Working through the tough stuff only makes a union stronger.

[seductress989]

Hey, I really appreciate your post. I too, lost several things when I moved to another town for college. I've been so lonely the past couple of months. I dumped my ex 4 months ago and we've stopped speaking a month ago. I'm so miserable right now and I thought I was the only one. I'm up here, all alone, with computer, TV, and phone, but no friends and still no job. Although I don't talk to myself, I can say that I cry a lot. I wasn't like that before I moved out and everything changed. Somedays, I wish that I could take him back and my home where the people I love so much are. But, I'm trying to make the best of it, even though I started NC with my ex whom I love so much. I'm trying so hard to be strong here. I want to talk to him so badly, but my fear of rejection always stops me dead in my tracks. I guess you could say your post gave me a sliver of hope that I haven't felt in so long. That maybe NC would work and that second chances do happen.

 

I believe that if you stay strong and keep in civil contact, things may progress to form a relationship. I'm not making any promises here. Your ex kinda sounds like mine, hurt and confused. He probably doesn't want to move too fast, so don't take it offensively if he doesn't just dive into things with you. You have to realize that reconciliation takes time, more time than you may know. Right now, you need to work on restoring the friendship with him and please, don't overanalzye his reactions to everything. That will drive you crazy! Just work on bettering yourself and getting used to him being back in your life. Keep me posted and I hope everything works out great for you.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by deeelight

One of the things that have been on my mind, even before this development is would we be able to have what we had, again. I have changed.

 

[sNIP] Though it probably won't be as it was, maybe, since we have both changed for the better, the new beginning, if there is one, will be far better than it was before. This has been a learning experience for us both, and maybe we can apply what we've learned this time, and grow because of it, as we both still love each other tremendously.

 

It won't be as it was before, and you really wouldn't want it to be the way it was. The old way was frought with issues that led to your break-up.

 

You have both changed. You've grown somewhat. Your paradigms have shifted. You've learned new behaviors & attitudes. Hopefully, you have each gained a whole new appreciation for the other as well.

 

You now have a chance to start from square one, and to build a new relationship that is more loving, caring, nurturing, and supportive than what was possible before. Since you still love each other so much, this should be a wonderful and exciting opportunity for a new beginning.

 

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What if people stopped throwing rice at weddings, and threw potatoes instead?