Abuse? am I crazy? Am I causing something I can't see?

[Shepherd.at.heart]

Hello, everyone.

 

I've joined this forum today in hopes of getting some advice from an outside perspective. I feel lost, I am confused by my love, and I have no idea what is happening.

 

There is a lot going on here, and if you aren't interested in reading a lot of info I would turn back now.

 

For 8 years I had been crushing on this guy - all four years of high school, and for four years afterward. He was my best guy friend, he used to call me and talk to me for hours, everything he believed in I admired, I loved his family, his family loved me, and my family in return. It seemed like the perfect relationship.

 

I was there through all of his relationships, helping him, giving him advice, and going home crying whenever he said he loved his currently girlfriend, basically just a girl-in-love and a man-who-didn't-know.

 

Maybe this was all in my head, because I had to initiate every hang out session... I think I'm beginning to realize that I've always been the one chasing him...

 

About three years ago, we lost contact with each other. I didn't know this, but he had been seeing another girl, he called it a "Friends with benefits." She took him to parties, and he ended up drinking like crazy all the time, and he got really used to having no commitment and doing what he wants..

 

A year after that, he ended up moving to the city about an hour and a half away. While he was there, said FWB was apparently using his Facebook account to talk to her current boyfriend's ex girlfriend. She and my dream guy weren't together at that point, as far as I'm aware. Well, I had been sending him message after message trying to talk to him, to find him, to figure out where he was so I could go visit him, I mean I really loved him and I really just hated that we couldn't even call each other. She never told him I was sending him any messages.

 

So, last year I moved to the town his ex FWB was living. She somehow bribed me to move out there, and I thought we were friends. I didn't know at the time they had been FWB, I thought they were actually dating before he moved to the city. He, at that time, was still in the city. She, at that time, had been seeing another man, the man she was secretly using my guys FB to talk to his ex girlfriend. In any case, she bribed me to move to that little town, and next thing I know she's talking about "Demons" and my dog is being crushed against the floor, and one month later I leave that ****ing town and I can't even remember moving in or why I wanted to in the first place.

 

She then starts talking about how much she loved my guy, and how confused she was, and that he kept saying "I love you" but was always drunk when they were together, and "He sucks in bed" and "He's an alcoholic, don't even think about it." All I could think of was that I needed to get out. I used her phone to get his number, and I called him.

 

I was so happy to hear his voice again, and I asked him how his life was going, and he said everything was good, he was working, etc. Of course I had to ask "How's the love life?" He said "What love life?" And right there, I broke down. I was at work, I had a shovel in one hand and some dog crap all over the side of my face, and I started crying, and I told him that he deserved to have love, and that he was strong and courageous and wonderful and that even though everyone else hated it, I loved that could talk endlessly, and his smile brightened up my day, and that I've loved him for eight years, and then I hung up on him and threw my phone in the garbage.

 

Well, we ended up getting together. Everything was like a dream, our families were both so happy we finally were together. My friends weren't surprised, they said "We saw this happening for years."

 

We got an apartment together a couple months later.

 

And now...

 

We are usually happy and understanding with each other. My most-often-said-word is compromise. To me, there must always be a compromise.

 

And, well, he doesn't think so.

 

When he isn't doing what I'm about to tell you, he's sweet and funny and kind.

 

When he isn't, he's incredibly spiteful. He's said things like "I just want to be like my brother: no commitment, just sleep with whoever he wants." "I love you, but I don't want to be with you." "I want to be with you, but I don't want to live with you." "I don't want to get married." "The friendship ring you got me? Yeah? If we break up, I'm throwing it down the toilet." "I'm a grown man, I should be able to stay up until 6am every night." "I'm a grown man, I don't need to change for everyone, and if I want to get wasted then I have every right to do it." "My mother said no girl was good enough to change for or listen to." "My mother said she's seen us breaking up for a long time." "My mother told me to move out."

 

And so... I try to avoid his mother. She obviously doesn't like me, so if I have to go over there I just try to keep my thoughts to myself, because I don't want to accidentally insult her or something. It really hurts, because I always thought his mother and I were friends, it was such an awesome relationship because I was able to just go over to his mom's house and chat with her, talk about our projects, etc. And then by me not talking, I'm "Rude and not worth his time," according to his mom.

 

Then Mother's day rolls around, and he doesn't call her because "We don't really celebrate days like that at my mom's house." Well, his entire family tells him to leave me because I am trying to keep him away from his family? I just don't even know how to comprehend this, because I told him to call his mother on Mother's day.

 

Fathers Day rolls around, same thing.

 

His little brother wants to hang out with him, and he didn't bother telling me it was a "Brother/brother" situation, and acted like I was invited. So I went, and then his family thinks I force myself to be wherever he goes. I'm like... what? I don't even know how this is happening. Every step I take, I'm doing something wrong.

 

He keeps telling me "the woman I love should come before my mother" but whenever she has something to say, he comes home saying really nasty things, and then the following morning it's all "I'm sorry, I love you, I'm not letting her get to me anymore, I don't want to lose you."

 

After so many nights of going to bed crying, his sorry's have sort of become meaningless. I wonder if I'm crazy, or if I'm causing something negative between us, I know he doesn't like my dog so I wonder if having a dog is going to keep me from being in a successful relationship, he once yelled at me for using a hamburger bun as a piece of toast and said that he was sickened by the fact I come from such a poor place but that he was sorry the next morning, that he understood that bread is bread to me, that hamburger or hot dog was just a fancy name for a shape of bread, blah blah blah... I just wanted some toast and I didn't have any regular bread. Again, I was like... wtf? What am I doing wrong?

 

When we discussed the drinking thing, we initially agreed that his party days were over, and that he wouldn't drink alone at home. He would instead drink socially, with a few friends or something, because he wanted a "Mature, life-long relationship."

 

So many times he's gone back on his word, and whenever I'm not home he drinks, and it just hurts me.

 

We also agreed that 3am would be our household bedtime so that we could be a real couple and actually sleep in the same bed at the same time. I used to go to work at 8am, but because I thought actually having a relationship where I could be in bed with him when I sleep was worth it, I started going into work 6 hours late. Lucky for me, it's a farm job and it's fine. But in any case, I altered my entire work schedule just so we could go to sleep at 3am and have what I think is a luxury in our relationship. He constantly stayed up past that, and just "Didn't care" what I thought, and that he only "Compromised" to get me to shut up.

 

That excuse has come up every single time we've compromised ANYTHING: Shutting the shower curtain so we don't get mold, keeping shoes on porch because my vacuum is terrible, even small things like that. But the compromise with the sleep schedule and the drinking have hurt me so much.

 

(Almost done)

 

We recently had my birthday party. I am very uncomfortable with drinking, but I decided I would have a drink with my friends in my own house, that I was safe, etc.

 

Well, one of my best friends decided to verbally harass one of my newer friends for making a racial slur. I told her to leave it be, that he had an extreme mental and social disorder, that saying "I'm no Justin Beiber N****r" should have told her that he's not really alright in his head and that there was no reason to get so upset at someone who doesn't know what he's talking about.

 

So, my boyfriend decides to stick up for him, and then my other best friend slaps him in the face.

 

I see the look on his face, I get my friends out of there immediately.

 

and then I'm the bad guy.

 

I didn't "humiliate her in front of everyone" or "Slap her in the face" to stand up for him, and he says things like "You say you've got a strong heart, you're nothing, you can't stand up for me, you don't deserve me, get the **** out, get out NOW and don't you ****ing come back"

 

And...

 

Well, he of course said he was "Sorry, wrong, blah blah blah"

 

And.

 

I feel like my heart is gone.

 

I really love him, but I don't know where my heart is, I feel like if I open my rib cage, it won't even be there. Somewhere I love him, but I am empty inside. I don't know what to believe. all of the spiteful things he's ever said to me have hurt me so much, but he's constantly saying he's sorry and that he's trying to work on his spiteful tendencies, that he never had to think about others' feelings before, and that "being nice" was a whole new world to him, and that if I Help him, he can be the man I want him to be, but that he "Won't change for anyone"

 

ugh

 

Someone please give me advice. How do I know when he's gone too far? I've never been through a heartbreak before, I don't even know what it feels like.

 

edit:

 

As far as I thought i knew, I really thought I was a good girlfriend. Every has said I'm the mos kind person they've ever met, I'm understanding, I get him anything he wants, I'm open to anything he wants to do in bed, I encourage his video games and hobbies, I cook/clean/etc. I really thought that being a good woman would be the key in having a good relationship.

 

But many times, he's gotten upset with me being "So sensitive." Instead of trying to help me, or hold me, he gets angry when I cry or I'm upset. He says I cry too much and that he can never make me happy. So.. is it me?

Edited July 18, 2013 by Shepherd.at.heart

[CC12]

There were a few points in your story that seemed confused and like they possibly were not grounded in reality. Have you ever felt like maybe you have memories of things that didn't happen as you remember them? I'm talking about things like that girl somehow bribing you to move to a different city, or you saying that your dog was being crushed against the floor or having dog crap on your face without providing any sort of explanation that would explain why these strange things happened.

 

Anyway, it sounds as if your relationship is not healthy for you since it causes you so much strife and the things he says are so hurtful to you. If you have trouble leaving the relationship for whatever reason, maybe you can try some sort of counseling to help sort through your feelings and give you that little push you need to leave him once and for all.

[Shepherd.at.heart]

Ah! I guess I wasn't being as detailed as I thought I was. I work in a kennel, that's why I had a shovel and dog crap all over me. xD It was a particularly hot, messy day.

 

As for moving out to where she lived, it's less that I don't remember and more that I just don't know why. I was desperate to get out of my mom's house, but I never had actually been out on my own, ever. I had started talking to this girl because I had known her for a while, but never actually spoke, and when I contacted her it was to initially find a way to get ahold of this guy, as I had known that they were really good friends before he moved to the city. From there, we started talking more, and started hanging out, and I guess she talked me into moving into an apartment below hers. I'm not really sure why I did it, because she always made me feel uncomfortable, but I guess somewhere in my conscious I felt that I could find this guy if I talked to her. But she ended up having nothing nice to say about him, and so I ended up moving out because her negativity was driving me insane. She would literally come into my apartment telling me there was something in my hallway, and that her dog was barking at nothing, and a couple days before I left my dog was laying on the floor and I couldn't pick her up, it was as if she was stuck. I lift 100+ lb dogs all the time at work, and I couldn't even pick up my little 40 lb collie. It was too weird for me, very uncomfortable, to this day I hate even thinking about her. She will always be a sore spot in my mind, because I can't even comprehend why people have Friends with Benefits, because in my mind, having sex = making love, so why make love with someone.. you don't love? Ugh. With this woman, it's just a neverending cycle of confusion and disgust because I don't understand what happened between them.

 

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. : 3

[jennifersmith]

It was a bit difficult to comprehend and understand your story, as a healthy normal adult (if you are one), I suggest you quickly dissociate yourself from your alcoholic bf, your racist friend who make racist slurs and the person that slap your friend (your bf or your friend?, can't make clear of that)..... Anyway, just lose all of those friends and bf and make new normal friends and bf.

[Zahara]

How do I know when he's gone too far?

 

This has gone past too far. It's hard to see that because you're emotional but if any of your friends or family members were going through this, you'd shake your head and wonder why someone would put up with all this.

 

I find it hard to imagine what good can there possibly be when all this sounds so horrible, and even if there was some good, completely overshadowed by the abuse. And who wants to be with someone that gets so out of control over a hamburger bun? It's abnormal and abnormal doesn't change.

 

I'm not sure what you need from seeking advice but YOU KNOW it's abuse. YOU KNOW you're not happy and YOU KNOW this is unhealthy for you. You are making the choice to stay because you are broken and you are afraid to be alone. If you feel empty inside, it's time to get out because nothing is going to change.