My mother

[Mme. Chaucer]

Dearest Taramere;

 

:love:

 

I feel every word of your OP. It almost brought me to tears, frankly.

 

IIWII wrote:

 

Ultimately, I do think your role as designated adult and peacemaker between your brother and your mother is destined to fail and drag you down with it.

 

I agree 100%.

 

From my perspective, you have almost flawless insight and you understand perfectly the cause and effect of everything that has happened and is still happening in your family. But having that has little or no bearing on how a person can deal with those kinds of things on an emotional level. Sometimes I think it hurts our ability to deal, because we can understand and empathize with all the parties and circumstances. Even the ones that are harming us.

 

That's why, for me, so far, therapy has not really been helpful. It seems geared towards gaining insight, mostly.

 

I don't technically believe in "geographics" as a cure for familial strife and the internal havoc and damage it can wreak. I am not suggesting you move away. But I will say that I was only able to get a healthy emotional distance from all the toxicity in my own family (which I love and feel tremendous loyalty towards - the family, not the toxicity) when I chanced to take a job in another state and move away. I naturally began to develop emotional detachment in a healthy way. Having a daughter to raise by myself also pushed that for me (another thing I'm not advocating! just sharing). None of it was a plan, but it worked.

 

Thank God, too, because not long after I gained that detachment, my father died and left us 4 dysfunctional and embattled "kids" with our demented mother and all of their physical assets to take care of. It was a horrible cluster. I am still reeling from it; one sibling is completely alienated from the rest, probably forever - and my mom's been dead for 5 years now. If I had not got to that better place, I seriously think all of that might have destroyed me.

 

I believe that you are very much more evolved and stable than I was at that time … but still, I feel strongly that you will need to find your way towards "detachment with love" in order to take good care of your fine self and to find your OWN joy in your life. I'm not sure how to do it though … I wish I could tell you. I know you will, though.

 

Also, off the subject, but I think you are THE BEST poster on LS. I am serious. If you ever stoop to snarkiness and personal negativity in your posts, I've never seen it. Your humanity, intelligence, balance, brilliance and ability to communicate in this medium shine through in every post.

 

And I really am grateful that we've met through this crazy place.

 

I want you to be happy.

[Emilia]

Also, off the subject, but I think you are THE BEST poster on LS. I am serious. If you ever stoop to snarkiness and personal negativity in your posts, I've never seen it. Your humanity, intelligence, balance, brilliance and ability to communicate in this medium shine through in every post.

Agree. Whenever I feel like stooping to snarkiness and personal negatitivity I will stop and think what tone Taramere would take. Sometimes that little reminder works Not always, but sometimes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Agree. Whenever I feel like stooping to snarkiness and personal negatitivity I will stop and think what tone Taramere would take. Sometimes that little reminder works Not always, but sometimes.

 

I do the same! Seriously. Unfortunately, I think I still fail to live up to the high standard Taramere sets with her posting style.

[Emilia]

I do the same! Seriously. Unfortunately, I think I still fail to live up to the high standard Taramere sets with her posting style.

Especially when she posts after us

 

The contrast is all too clear.

[Taramere]

Stop it you too! You're making me feel like I need to flagellate myself publicly to offset the compliments!

 

Seriously, when I get along with people I really get along with them - but there are people I just seem to wind up simply by being myself. I remember one time my niece showered me with compliments when we were out. She was only about 7 at the time. It was nice, but it was one of those situations where you wonder what's going on. She soon let me know what was going on. "I love you, even if other people don't like you."

 

It was a bit of a gut punch. I wanted to ask her "what other people? Who?" But I already knew. Her mum's side of the family. I just said something like "well, as long as you like me I don't really care about people who don't." Kids are little windows into what's really going on, aren't they?? I don't really care if they don't like me, as I've always been courteous to them so I don't take responsibility for their feelings. I'm aware of the issues in that family and the extent to which they project them. It's an unpleasant feeling, though, to think that they're dragging little kids into all those sorry politics.

[Emilia]

Stop it you too! You're making me feel like I need to flagellate myself publicly to offset the compliments!

You can start because it's 'you two' not 'you too' :laugh:

Seriously, when I get along with people I really get along with them - but there are people I just seem to wind up simply by being myself. I remember one time my niece showered me with compliments when we were out. She was only about 7 at the time. It was nice, but it was one of those situations where you wonder what's going on. She soon let me know what was going on. "I love you, even if other people don't like you."

 

It was a bit of a gut punch. I wanted to ask her "what other people? Who?" But I already knew. Her mum's side of the family. I just said something like "well, as long as you like me I don't really care about people who don't." Kids are little windows into what's really going on, aren't they?? I don't really care if they don't like me, as I've always been courteous to them so I don't take responsibility for their feelings. I'm aware of the issues in that family and the extent to which they project them. It's an unpleasant feeling, though, to think that they're dragging little kids into all those sorry politics.

Just awful. I hate chippiness. It's always those beady-eyed, little mean people. Eurgh

[Radu]

Perhaps your mother's mistake was to spoil your brother so much that he was raised almost like an only child. They are the ones I've seen behave in such a chippy, passive-aggressive, self centred kind of way.

 

You said it way better than i attempted.

 

Stop it you too! You're making me feel like I need to flagellate myself publicly to offset the compliments!

 

 

The moment i saw Emi and Chaucer gloryfing you [hope i spelled it right], i knew you were going to flagellate yourself ... in writing at least.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Stop it you too! You're making me feel like I need to flagellate myself publicly to offset the compliments!

 

 

That would be hot!

[Radu]

That would be hot!

 

For some reason i expected that comment to come from kiwi or Carrie. o.0

[GorillaTheater]

For some reason i expected that comment to come from kiwi or Carrie. o.0

 

I certainly thought it, for what that may be worth.

[Mme. Chaucer]

For some reason i expected that comment to come from kiwi or Carrie. o.0

 

Or Treasa!

[Taramere]

Seriously though, I want to thank all you guys for your posts on this thread. It's meant a lot to me.

[Emilia]

Seriously though, I want to thank all you guys for your posts on this thread. It's meant a lot to me.

Not at all Taramere , hope it helped

[Taramere]

Not at all Taramere , hope it helped

 

It seriously has. Thank you all.

[Taramere]

From my perspective, you have almost flawless insight and you understand perfectly the cause and effect of everything that has happened and is still happening in your family. But having that has little or no bearing on how a person can deal with those kinds of things on an emotional level. Sometimes I think it hurts our ability to deal, because we can understand and empathize with all the parties and circumstances. Even the ones that are harming us.

 

That's why, for me, so far, therapy has not really been helpful. It seems geared towards gaining insight, mostly.

 

I've read this post a few times, Mme. Chaucer.

 

You're so right. People step into threads like this and they ask you to look at things from the other person's perspective...and of course, it's kind of people to bother to post. However, part of you thinks "how are you not getting that putting so much of myself into trying to understand each and every perspective here is precisely what's tearing me apart?"

 

There is, as you suggest, such a thing as sometimes understanding just a bit too much for one's own good.

 

 

 

I don't technically believe in "geographics" as a cure for familial strife and the internal havoc and damage it can wreak. I am not suggesting you move away. But I will say that I was only able to get a healthy emotional distance from all the toxicity in my own family (which I love and feel tremendous loyalty towards - the family, not the toxicity) when I chanced to take a job in another state and move away. I naturally began to develop emotional detachment in a healthy way. Having a daughter to raise by myself also pushed that for me (another thing I'm not advocating! just sharing). None of it was a plan, but it worked.

 

Thank God, too, because not long after I gained that detachment, my father died and left us 4 dysfunctional and embattled "kids" with our demented mother and all of their physical assets to take care of. It was a horrible cluster. I am still reeling from it; one sibling is completely alienated from the rest, probably forever - and my mom's been dead for 5 years now. If I had not got to that better place, I seriously think all of that might have destroyed me.

 

I believe that you are very much more evolved and stable than I was at that time … but still, I feel strongly that you will need to find your way towards "detachment with love" in order to take good care of your fine self and to find your OWN joy in your life. I'm not sure how to do it though … I wish I could tell you. I know you will, though.

 

Also, off the subject, but I think you are THE BEST poster on LS. I am serious. If you ever stoop to snarkiness and personal negativity in your posts, I've never seen it. Your humanity, intelligence, balance, brilliance and ability to communicate in this medium shine through in every post.

 

And I really am grateful that we've met through this crazy place.

 

I want you to be happy.

[Radu]

I certainly thought it, for what that may be worth.

 

Ahhhh, you must be one of those kinky Texans from Fetlife.

[GorillaTheater]

Ahhhh, you must be one of those kinky Texans from Fetlife.

 

You have no idea. Talk to Mme Chaucer about my dark fetid little fantasy moment sometime. I think I shocked her out of speaking to me for a month or so.

[Emilia]

You have no idea. Talk to Mme Chaucer about my dark fetid little fantasy moment sometime. I think I shocked her out of speaking to me for a month or so.

I remember :laugh:

[Emilia]

There is, as you suggest, such a thing as sometimes understanding just a bit too much for one's own good.

I can certainly relate to this. What helps perhaps however is reminding ourselves that everyone has the right and the ability to choose the way they want to carry on.

[Radu]

Ok, let's see if you can shock me too.

[GorillaTheater]

Ok, let's see if you can shock me too.

 

No way, man. I'm leaving you hanging.

[Taramere]

I can certainly relate to this. What helps perhaps however is reminding ourselves that everyone has the right and the ability to choose the way they want to carry on.

 

Yes, and that just because you have a good idea of what's driving a person to behave in the way they do it isn't necessarily a good idea to share that with them. As I've found to my cost in sharing too much of my views about this with my brother.

[Radu]

No way, man. I'm leaving you hanging.

 

Pfft ... you ain't leavin' me hangin' dude, i just found my porn collection a few days ago.

[Taramere]

Guys, I don't mean to be snotty here but, y'know. Off Topic thread etc.

[GorillaTheater]

Guys, I don't mean to be snotty here but, y'know. Off Topic thread etc.

 

Way to clarify your boundaries, Taramere! And, gently, a broader application may be in order.