I wonder if anyone here remembers my long & winding path...

[I Miss the Kiss]

Hello everyone. I am a longtime LS member but haven't been around in a long while. I guess I am posting in the OM/OW forum because it is where I am most comfortable. I am not sure if I am actually an OW at this point but I am starting here nonetheless due to the nature of where this has gone...

 

I will summarize in very general terms for those who don't remember me. Met MM in spring of 2009. We were both married, with children. After a VERY long and painful two years (and a lot of heartache and back and forth from MM, who came from a very religious family who instilled in him to work on his marriage), MM eventually gave in to the fact that his M was over. The divorce process began. It was final for him in October of 2012...finally.

 

In the meantime, back when he kept dumping me and trying to work on his M (I left my H in November 2009 after a domestic violence incident he did in front of our kids, our D was final in December 2011), I met a very sweet man. We were friends at first. He lived in my apartment complex. He listened to me, let me cry on his shoulder, and he tried to show me how painful and damaging the A was for me and my four young daughters.

 

Fast forward... eventually me and B (the new man) became a couple. Six months later we moved in together. This was partly due to his traveling 185+ days a year and a way for us both to save money (as my ex-H was not and still rarely pays child support-- that is another story!)

 

So B and I move in together. About 4 months later, my MM comes back. We had been basically NC for about 5 months prior to moving in with B. MM and I did occasionally communicate by email but his W had made him block texts, calls, etc ( as had been done a thousand times before on this journey, to no avail). I had finally found the strength (possibly due to the support of B) to allow MM to work on his M. I was really drained. However, we never stopped loving each other. Never.

 

So when MM returned, obviously I was in an AWFUL position. I have deep love for B, in a sense of friendship and he is a good man. We have amazing sex, but there is not a terribly strong connection emotionally. B is gone so much through the year, we never get a chance to just be normal. That being said, we get along very very well and are the best of friends. I am attracted to him, I love him. But it is nowhere near the level of love I have for MM.

 

So I lied to MM when he came back. Please remember that MM lives 3.5 hours from me, so I could not just see him whenever. I was shocked that he returned. His D was ACTUALLY HAPPENING. I had already gone down a path with B, and now MM was back, wanting a real life with me. MM spent the months we were apart learning about himself, going to counseling, and forgiving himself for the A. He did a lot of work on his children and parental relationships (with his parents, I mean). He truly (somehow) made himself a better man. He begged my forgiveness, and he PROVED HIMSELF to me every day after that. It was not talk. He walked the walk...

 

MM knew I had my relationship with B, but I was a broken woman. I never admitted to MM that I was living with B. I kept thinking I could just get out, then tell MM the truth. Please remember I had my children to think about. I wasn't about to just jump out of the situation with B before knowing it was truly the right thing to do.

 

I became a liar. I admit that. Please don't berate me, because I am living every minute with the consequences of this. I know it was wrong. But I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. The prior three years of my life had been so detrimental to my self-esteem and my ability to make decisions. I was going through the motions....

 

Back to my lies... I was not honest with MM. He knew about B but not the extent of the relationship I had with him.

 

There are many details in between that I can clarify later, but suffice it to say that MM became aware of B and our situation. It broke MM's heart.

 

I have been trying to figure out how to put an end to this misery. MM and I yet again tried to just give up, too much had happened and too many obstacles. But in that time, we have become even closer. Not physically (that will never be a problem anyway), but emotionally. He goes through the ups and downs of where I am living and it hurts him. He knows I want out.

 

B isn't the most honest man, I need to point out. I am not poiinting that out to be mean or to justify. Early in our R (before MM came back!), B was caught sending sentimental songs of significance to his ex-GF by email. A few months later, when I was out with friends one night, he emt up with his ex-wife in a bar and proceeded to walk back to our apartment through a field in between the bar and the apt complex. Then the following week I found emails between the two of them, basically laughing at me and how I will never find out (I did!). B still claims they never crossed a line. Ya right.

 

Then last year he started an online emotional affair with a woman he met playing an online game. They exchanged very heavy emails about how he loved her mind, bla bla bla. I caught him doing this as well.

 

You are probably wondering why I don't just "go"...

 

1. I have created a stable home life for my daughters. That being said, B's kids are lazy and disrespectful (my daughters truly are not either of those things), and my girls cannot stand his kids. His kids hate me, mostly due to their very jealous mother. So B and I have a good relationship with EACH OTHER, but not much beyond that. However, he does love my daughters and treats them like his own.

2. I am afraid to ask my ex-H if he will allow me to move 3.5 hours with our kids, although my girls all want to live with me full time anyway and have a very strained relationship with their father.

 

If I were to leave here today, yes I would miss B. But living a life with the now ex-MM would be the best for us all in the long run.

 

I know this all sounds so bad. I have not done the right thing. So many years of push and pull took their toll. So now I feel trapped.

 

BTW, ex-MM is somewhat at the end of his rope (understandably so). We are low contact now. Sometimes he has a few drinks and lashes out, but I am able to understand where he is coming from on that... I was in his place once.

 

Even when ex-MM gets angry and upset bc of where I am still living, he eventually breaks and tells me he is lost... he wants me there with him. He wants to love and raise my girls with me. He is truly a very kind and loving man.

 

I am not even sure if I have a question for any of you. I just need some insight. What do I want, you ask? I want to move north and be with the man I love more than anything in this world. But I don't know how to get there...

 

I should also add that B is now aware that ex-MM and I still communicate. NO he doesn't like it. And yet he loves me and doesn't want me to leave, making this even harder to navigate. Sometimes I just want to disappear into the dust...

 

Thank you for reading. I know that the way I have handled things has not been good, so please just help me move forward, not rehash the past. trust me, I am painfully aware of the way I have hurt people....

 

IMTK

[Philosoraptor]

There doesn't look to be trust (or reason for there to be) anywhere in this situation. Everyone is grasping at something else and there is no stability to be found.

 

I wish you luck here, but I don't see any of these choices being the correct one. While I agree you need to put your daughters first, you need to do so by providing a good example by showing some stability in your life. I don't mean to be critical if it seems that way, but this is not a pretty situation. I'd honestly drop all of these men and spend some time figuring out what you want out of a relationship, then starting from scratch.

[eleanorrigby]

All of the men in your life sound douchetastic.

 

It's unfair for your girls to keep getting uprooted because of your love life.

[HopingAgain]

It sounds like you are trying to choose between the lesser of 2 evils. Both of these men cheat, and sounds like they both have abusive tendencies. Your current boyfriend laughs with other women about deceiving you? ExMM lashes out at you when drunk and strung you along for years?

 

Do yourself and your kids a favor, ditch them both, and start from scratch!

[I Miss the Kiss]

Your current boyfriend laughs with other women about deceiving you? ExMM lashes out at you when drunk and strung you along for years?

 

Do yourself and your kids a favor, ditch them both, and start from scratch!

 

Not that I am protecting him, but to clarify, ExMM's "lashing out" is basically venting... things like "If you weren't living with him you could be up here enjoying a weekend on the lake with me" or "Oh you aren't replying to me; you must be with him." Things like that... Nothing terribly off-the-wall.

 

But yes, he did string me along for years.

[findingnemo]

Ditch B and live on your own with your girls. XMM and you can start a new R but you need to take it extra slow. All those changes he made, you need to see them with your own eyes in a whole new R without the A dynamics.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Ditch B and live on your own with your girls. XMM and you can start a new R but you need to take it extra slow. All those changes he made, you need to see them with your own eyes in a whole new R without the A dynamics.

 

That is exactly what exMM has said, and I agree. If I do make this change, we need to start over and date (even it is long-distance, at least it would be real). I believe in a lot of his changes (without explaining the how's and why's here), but I definitely need to see them in real life, as would he need to do the same with me.

 

I honestly think we will have a great relationship, but there is no reason to jump in without being real about it.

 

Thank you for your thoughts...

[Quiet Storm]

You say you don't lie to hurt anyone, as if "intentional lies" are somehow worse. It's very obvious from your post that you lie to protect yourself.

 

Your lies revolve around avoiding conflict and consequence.

 

I agree that your kids need stability. You are considering taking them to live hours away, in order to chase your "feelings". What about their feelings?

 

You believe you have this connection to MM. MM knows that you lied to him AND he knows that you cheated on & lied to your husband AND your boyfriend. Unhealthy bonds often create the strongest pull. That pull doesn't mean your love is meant to be. If you moved in with MM, you would just have a new set of problems. He wouldn't trust you, and who could blame him? A relationship with him is not going to be all romance & passion. There will be resentment, pain & no trust. It takes years to rebuild trust.

 

You really need to work on yourself & focus on your kids. Stop lying and justifying. Think about what kind of person you want to be. In your post, you point out "B"s lies, as a way to minimize your own lies. Yes, I lied...but SEE...he lied to me, too. Where is your personal accountability? Honor & integrity are character traits that apply REGARDLESS of the actions of others. Do you have any standards for your own behavior, or are your actions reactive- based on what others do to you?

 

Your kids are on their way to living with a third man in as many years. It's not fair to them to be dragged around on a quest to find Mommy romance. They've already dealt with the break up of their family, now they are settled in with a man that "loves them like his own" and you are going to rob them of their security because you need MM's "love".

 

Instead of lying, avoiding, reacting, running....why don't you face your own personal demons? Figure out why your default is to lie instead of owning up. Work on building your self worth so that it's not all wrapped up in whatever relationship you are in at the moment. Work on being a good role model for your kids. It is your job as a parent to teach your kids coping skills. They learn how to cope as adults by watching how WE COPE. Look at the tools you are giving them for their adult lives... to cope with problems by lying, avoiding conflict, blaming, justifying, running.

 

Your biggest lies are the ones you are telling yourself.

[Praying4Peace]

Hello everyone. I am a longtime LS member but haven't been around in a long while. I guess I am posting in the OM/OW forum because it is where I am most comfortable. I am not sure if I am actually an OW at this point but I am starting here nonetheless due to the nature of where this has gone...

 

I will summarize in very general terms for those who don't remember me. Met MM in spring of 2009. We were both married, with children. After a VERY long and painful two years (and a lot of heartache and back and forth from MM, who came from a very religious family who instilled in him to work on his marriage), MM eventually gave in to the fact that his M was over. The divorce process began. It was final for him in October of 2012...finally.

 

In the meantime, back when he kept dumping me and trying to work on his M (I left my H in November 2009 after a domestic violence incident he did in front of our kids, our D was final in December 2011), I met a very sweet man. We were friends at first. He lived in my apartment complex. He listened to me, let me cry on his shoulder, and he tried to show me how painful and damaging the A was for me and my four young daughters.

 

Fast forward... eventually me and B (the new man) became a couple. Six months later we moved in together. This was partly due to his traveling 185+ days a year and a way for us both to save money (as my ex-H was not and still rarely pays child support-- that is another story!)

 

So B and I move in together. About 4 months later, my MM comes back. We had been basically NC for about 5 months prior to moving in with B. MM and I did occasionally communicate by email but his W had made him block texts, calls, etc ( as had been done a thousand times before on this journey, to no avail). I had finally found the strength (possibly due to the support of B) to allow MM to work on his M. I was really drained. However, we never stopped loving each other. Never.

 

So when MM returned, obviously I was in an AWFUL position. I have deep love for B, in a sense of friendship and he is a good man. We have amazing sex, but there is not a terribly strong connection emotionally. B is gone so much through the year, we never get a chance to just be normal. That being said, we get along very very well and are the best of friends. I am attracted to him, I love him. But it is nowhere near the level of love I have for MM.

 

So I lied to MM when he came back. Please remember that MM lives 3.5 hours from me, so I could not just see him whenever. I was shocked that he returned. His D was ACTUALLY HAPPENING. I had already gone down a path with B, and now MM was back, wanting a real life with me. MM spent the months we were apart learning about himself, going to counseling, and forgiving himself for the A. He did a lot of work on his children and parental relationships (with his parents, I mean). He truly (somehow) made himself a better man. He begged my forgiveness, and he PROVED HIMSELF to me every day after that. It was not talk. He walked the walk...

 

MM knew I had my relationship with B, but I was a broken woman. I never admitted to MM that I was living with B. I kept thinking I could just get out, then tell MM the truth. Please remember I had my children to think about. I wasn't about to just jump out of the situation with B before knowing it was truly the right thing to do.

 

I became a liar. I admit that. Please don't berate me, because I am living every minute with the consequences of this. I know it was wrong. But I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. The prior three years of my life had been so detrimental to my self-esteem and my ability to make decisions. I was going through the motions....

 

Back to my lies... I was not honest with MM. He knew about B but not the extent of the relationship I had with him.

 

There are many details in between that I can clarify later, but suffice it to say that MM became aware of B and our situation. It broke MM's heart.

 

I have been trying to figure out how to put an end to this misery. MM and I yet again tried to just give up, too much had happened and too many obstacles. But in that time, we have become even closer. Not physically (that will never be a problem anyway), but emotionally. He goes through the ups and downs of where I am living and it hurts him. He knows I want out.

 

B isn't the most honest man, I need to point out. I am not poiinting that out to be mean or to justify. Early in our R (before MM came back!), B was caught sending sentimental songs of significance to his ex-GF by email. A few months later, when I was out with friends one night, he emt up with his ex-wife in a bar and proceeded to walk back to our apartment through a field in between the bar and the apt complex. Then the following week I found emails between the two of them, basically laughing at me and how I will never find out (I did!). B still claims they never crossed a line. Ya right.

 

Then last year he started an online emotional affair with a woman he met playing an online game. They exchanged very heavy emails about how he loved her mind, bla bla bla. I caught him doing this as well.

 

You are probably wondering why I don't just "go"...

 

1. I have created a stable home life for my daughters. That being said, B's kids are lazy and disrespectful (my daughters truly are not either of those things), and my girls cannot stand his kids. His kids hate me, mostly due to their very jealous mother. So B and I have a good relationship with EACH OTHER, but not much beyond that. However, he does love my daughters and treats them like his own.

2. I am afraid to ask my ex-H if he will allow me to move 3.5 hours with our kids, although my girls all want to live with me full time anyway and have a very strained relationship with their father.

 

If I were to leave here today, yes I would miss B. But living a life with the now ex-MM would be the best for us all in the long run.

 

I know this all sounds so bad. I have not done the right thing. So many years of push and pull took their toll. So now I feel trapped.

 

BTW, ex-MM is somewhat at the end of his rope (understandably so). We are low contact now. Sometimes he has a few drinks and lashes out, but I am able to understand where he is coming from on that... I was in his place once.

 

Even when ex-MM gets angry and upset bc of where I am still living, he eventually breaks and tells me he is lost... he wants me there with him. He wants to love and raise my girls with me. He is truly a very kind and loving man.

 

I am not even sure if I have a question for any of you. I just need some insight. What do I want, you ask? I want to move north and be with the man I love more than anything in this world. But I don't know how to get there...

 

I should also add that B is now aware that ex-MM and I still communicate. NO he doesn't like it. And yet he loves me and doesn't want me to leave, making this even harder to navigate. Sometimes I just want to disappear into the dust...

 

Thank you for reading. I know that the way I have handled things has not been good, so please just help me move forward, not rehash the past. trust me, I am painfully aware of the way I have hurt people....

 

IMTK

 

I haven't read any other responses to your posts. So please forgive me if this is already stated.

 

You know what to do. The hard work. Do it, or you'll regret it forever and your relationship will change forever with xMM.

 

Remind yourself of how you felt when xMM had all the 'excuses' - and they are GOOD ones- not to leave. Sometimes a relationship is stronger when people make sacrifices and do things that are really scary to them. Take this as an opportunity to show our love for him. Don't do what he did to you...which he actually didn't 'do' to you because all the counseling and introspection was his path to you and it must have been difficult.

 

There will be people on here who will dump on you and your relationship with xMM. This is a situation where he did prove it by actions, now it's your turn. Tell B the truth RIGHT away. He will understand, he saw the mess you were in when you guys went NC. He also just isn't that invested in this relationship and the EA's and gone all the time...are you kidding me?? Red flags but even with that aside you don't have the love for him that you do with another.

 

I would tell xMM everything honestly. Tell him to give you a little time (a month?) and let you sort everything out the way he sorted everything out at home. Then you two will finally be free and clear. Then you have the rest of your life to show your girls what a very happy Mama in love looks like.

 

Don't chicken out now.

[I Miss the Kiss]

 

Your kids are on their way to living with a third man in as many years. It's not fair to them to be dragged around on a quest to find Mommy romance. They've already dealt with the break up of their family, now they are settled in with a man that "loves them like his own" and you are going to rob them of their security because you need MM's "love".

 

Thank you for your reply. I don want to clarify (or maybe I just didn't mention this in my original post) that I am NOT planning to move in with xMM, even if I move to his town. If this does go forward, I will move to his town, into my own place with no less-than a 1-year lease, and then proceed to re-establish a real-life relationship with him and very SLOWLY introducing our children and families. VERY SLOWLY. We would absolutely not move in together. In fact, we would not live together until after we are married, if that happens.

 

That being said, this is IF I move forward. I am nowhere near making that decision. That is why I am here for the thoughts and ideas of others.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I haven't read any other responses to your posts. So please forgive me if this is already stated.

 

You know what to do. The hard work. Do it, or you'll regret it forever and your relationship will change forever with xMM.

 

Remind yourself of how you felt when xMM had all the 'excuses' - and they are GOOD ones- not to leave. Sometimes a relationship is stronger when people make sacrifices and do things that are really scary to them. Take this as an opportunity to show our love for him. Don't do what he did to you...which he actually didn't 'do' to you because all the counseling and introspection was his path to you and it must have been difficult.

 

There will be people on here who will dump on you and your relationship with xMM. This is a situation where he did prove it by actions, now it's your turn. Tell B the truth RIGHT away. He will understand, he saw the mess you were in when you guys went NC. He also just isn't that invested in this relationship and the EA's and gone all the time...are you kidding me?? Red flags but even with that aside you don't have the love for him that you do with another.

 

I would tell xMM everything honestly. Tell him to give you a little time (a month?) and let you sort everything out the way he sorted everything out at home. Then you two will finally be free and clear. Then you have the rest of your life to show your girls what a very happy Mama in love looks like.

 

Don't chicken out now.

 

 

Thank you for telling me what you really think instead of what you thought you were supposed to say to me based upon black and white.

 

I want to respond to someone up above who mentioned that I brought up B's dishonesty to justify my own. In fact, I specifically stated that I was NOT bringing it up for that reason. B's actions are just as much a factor in all of this as my own actions.

 

ExMM DID do the hard work. And he isn't participating in this dishonesty willingly at all. Actually, he has very often refused to see me or even talk to me due to my living with B and his unwillingness to be a part of that. Yes he is human, and we have talked. But I have not seen him in a long while because he feels like it isn't the right thing to do while I still live with B. So those who automatically think the worst of ex-MM, he really has changed and is trying to be a better man. Yes he loves me and is at fault sometimes, but he tries not to get too deeply involved while I am still here. Many, many of our conversations by phone (when we even have them) are strictly friendship-type conversations. We talk about life and kids but don't even get into the "us" part of it all. We haven't said "I love you" in months (or he hasn't ) because he wants me to be free before we go back down that road...

 

I believe that I owe xMM the "hard work" if we are to go forward. He is 100% free. He is working on bettering himself every day. He has started a new business and is focusing on that and his kids. I have just started working on me, too, and am very slowly taking the steps to emerge from this bubble of dishonesty and unhappiness on all accounts.

 

I do have children, so they have to be first in all of my plans. Yes B loves them and treats them well, but my girls have said to me they don't want to live with him anymore because of his kids. I am spending time talking to each of my girls on their age level and trying to wade through this very slowly. I do know that should xMM and I make this work, they would be loved and given more security than they have ever known in their lives. But that is down the road. One step at a time.

 

Thank you again.

[Owl]

I don't think you "owe" xMM anything here...except the truth.

 

Same thing for "B" as well.

 

You really and truly need to live/be happy on your own. You CAN create a stable environment for your children completely without a man present in it, if you choose to do so.

 

You've made many poor relationship choices throughout your life, and you continue to do so.

 

So....stop. End both relationships with both men for now. Learn to be 'enough' on your own, with just you and your kids.

 

Get 'good' at that.

 

THEN...once you've mastered being happy without being reliant upon anyone else...if you happen to meet someone...you bring more to the relationship. You teach your kids HEALTHY relationship choices...and you teach them to be happy within themselves as well.

 

But you've got to get there yourself, first.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I still say that going straight from your relationship with B to a romantic relationship with dMM is not the way to go, even if you won't be living together. You need time, and you need the dMM to believe that you are sincere and genuine. This looks too much like relationship hopping. Husband, MM, B, dMM. I know there is a big story behind each relationship and that it doesn't feel like relationship hopping to you, but at this point you need personal time to really think about things and to do the work. Separate from B, tell dMM that you would really like to have a future with him and then tell him you need at least 6-12 months of healing before you can consider moving out there to be with him.

 

I do not disagree with your thoughts. At this point I cannot honestly say that dMM and I would break things off completely, but I am leaning toward possibly moving out from B (obviously) and into my own place here in my current town. Then I can be on my own, take care of myself and my girls. Any relationship dMM and I would have at that point would be from a distance, not physically seeing each other very much due to that fact, work, etc. It would just be telephone and getting together once in a while when my girls are with their father, etc. So it would be quite slow. I think we will both know if we can handle that or not in a short time. If not, at least I am already on my own, not depending on him or anyone else.

 

That being said, if we slowly evolve into a real R, then moving up there would come later and after a lot of thought and planning.

[Owl]

I'm curious...you've mentioned that dMM knows about "B"...

 

What does "B" know about your thoughts/feelings/currently considered plans for being with dMM?

[I Miss the Kiss]

I'm curious...you've mentioned that dMM knows about "B"...

 

What does "B" know about your thoughts/feelings/currently considered plans for being with dMM?

 

He knows all as far as our communication. He knows I love dMM, he was up-close and personal with that fact when I met him and has known it all along, I suppose. He knows I love him now, he just thinks I shouldn't be with dMM.

 

We are in a holding pattern because he just left for a 4-week trip for his work. He will be traveling the western US for that time. He knows I am back at home sorting through feelings, what I need or want to do, etc. We have a dog so he basically told me to stay here in the house, take care of the dog, and think about the future. He still wants us to work out I think.

 

So I have a month to get myself together and do what I need to do for myself and my girls. I haven to talked to dMM since B left a few days ago and likely will not, except possibly an email here or there, but nothing deep and no promises or plans with him.

[Spark1111]

I'm with others.....

 

I think you need to throw B out and stay exactly where you are.

 

if DMM wants to date you, he can come to YOUR town. If B wants to date you, HE knows where to find you.

 

If someone else comes into the picture, DATE HIM TOO!

 

But don't go moving your children or having men move in with you.

 

That is just too confusing for them. Stand on your own two feet in your own place and give them the security they need.

[aliveagain]

All your proving by your actions is once a cheater always a cheater because your still deep in the lies. Get away from all of them and work on yourself, you still have issues that haven't been dealt with, what chance does a new relationship have if your still broken?

[whichwayisup]

You've gone from an abusive exH, to MM, to B and maybe now back to exMM.

 

You don't need a man to complete you! I hope you know this. Think about investing in YOURSELF and allow time and space from ALL men happen. You've had no time to work through much because you've had a guy in your life waiting in the wings on some level. Going from one to another without giving being on your own, being independent, allowing yourself to grow a bit, and learn between R's.

 

Anyway, if your exMM is pissed, so be it. What you have done and are doing should not have that much affect on him unless he was leaving his wife for you and expected you to come running to him asap once his D was final. This guy should be on HIS OWN ALONE for a while too. SO unhealthy to bounce out of marriage and then straight into another R.

 

Put you and your kids first for a long while. Bond with women friends, reconnect with old friends (women), and your family.

[LivingWaterPlease]

My biggest concern is your relationship with B. From your description he seems all emotion, no substance. Also, I'm thinking you said your kids don't get along with his. Why would you put them through that? Get them out of there asap!

 

I don't know about exMM. After you are in your own place I would think dating him would be a good thing to do but I wouldn't rush into a M with him. Take your time. You both need time to heal from past relationships.

 

Some others have posted, and I agree, that you need to learn to stand on your own without being dependent on a man. And your girls need this example. You can still date, just don't depend on a man to support you financially.

 

Also, if you can afford to go to IC it seems to me it would benefit you greatly.

[I Miss the Kiss]

My biggest concern is your relationship with B. From your description he seems all emotion, no substance. Also, I'm thinking you said your kids don't get along with his. Why would you put them through that? Get them out of there asap!

 

LivingWaterPlease, I am curious about why you say B is all emotion and no substance. I am not disagreeing, just wondering what makes you say that.

 

I am trying to learn and looking for the thoughts of others who aren't as deep in this as I am...

 

Also, my kids don't *like* his kids, but they don't necessarily fight. They just have no relationship at all. AT ALL--as in they barely speak. His daughter has no social skills whatsoever, just sits on her iPhone every waking hour. And I am not kidding or exaggerating. My girls have phones and iPods and are normal teenagers, always communicating with friends or listening to music. But his daughter's attachment to these things is far from healthy. She just told us she has not seen a single friend, all summer (now nearly 8 weeks), and she blames the "friends" because they haven't asked her to do anything. So my girls have nothing in common with his kids, hence the zero relationship.

 

Thank you

[2sure]

dMM has shown you repeatedly that what he is capable of.

And you are very, very comfortable with the behavior.

He has gone back and forth in his relationships all along. That's what he does. His wife divorced him and he left you again.

 

Both of you have a real comfort level with deception, lies, and manipulation. You need to face that. You can say you both hate doing it but in your every interaction involving each other...that's what you repeatedly do.

 

You need to think about why you are attracting and attracted to these men.

 

It's one thing to want a partner and helpmate to make life easier. It's quite another to accept one that doesn't.

[rainy daze]

Leave both of them, start a new life on you OWN with your girls.

Sort out yourself, and learn how to make better decisions in the future.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I am replying to my own thread because I think it would get very confusing to start a new post. I apologize if this isn't the way to do it...

 

But after reading all your responses to my post from last month, a lot has happened. I have very slowly found strength and am ready to break it off with B. I have located an apartment nearby (my girls are still in school here and will be until the end of May), so I do not have the option to move to another town, nor would I really want to.

 

My dMM has come far. WE have come far. I have always and continue to believe we belong together and will be together. But I need to start fresh on my own, here in my own town. No running off to dMM's town with my daughters in tow. They deserve more stability than that. I deserve it too, in order to heal and be my own person again.

 

dMM has stuck to his position that he will not continue to communicate with me if I am still living with B. I 100% agree with him. I have come to realize that strining B along while I am deeply in love with another man (and have been for 4+ years) is not the right thing to do. B is not without fault. If it isn't me, its him doing something wrong. It was less than 1 year ago that he started an online EA (of sorts) with a woman he met playing an online game. They split off from the game message board to private emails. I caught him only a few days into the email exchanges, but it was clear he was testing the waters. He told her he was single. He told her NOTHING about his live-in girlfriend and total of 6 kids in our house!

 

Obviously B and I both have issues

 

Therefore, I am planning to move out in mid September. I have not yet told B as I just was completely approved for my apartment today. I do NOT know how to do this. It is heartwrenching. He will be devastated.

 

I have let my two oldest daughters in on the plans. They are totally fine with it, as they do not believe B and I belong together. They know of dMM and believe that eventually we should see what kind of life we can make. But for now, I have to get out of here.

 

This is right for everyone.

 

I do believe dMM and I will repair the R (such as it is) and move forward, at long distance, but it will be at a slow pace with honesty and few expectations. In this past month I have seen nothing but love and hope from this man, yet he is staying strong and protecting himself. I don't blame him one bit...

 

Right now my focus is my girls and our new home. My biggest issue is how to tell B. It seems easy sitting where you are; "Just tell him." But it isn't that easy... not at all

 

Ahhhh just venting... Thank you all for listening.

[Owl]

Right now my focus is my girls and our new home. My biggest issue is how to tell B. It seems easy sitting where you are; "Just tell him." But it isn't that easy... not at all

 

Ahhhh just venting... Thank you all for listening.

 

Sounds to me like you got a plan...which is usually a good thing!

 

As far as telling B...I get that it isn't that easy...but it IS that simple.

 

It's like ripping off a bandaid. It'll suck while you're doing it, but there's no better way to go about it.

 

Are you worried about how he'll react? No chance of him doing anything stupid, right? If not, just tell him it's over, and you'll be out by xxxx date. Don't dispute it, don't discuss it, just tell him that's where it's at, and make it happen. If you ARE concerned for yourself or your girls...take appropriate measures to safeguard yourselves.

 

BTW...total off topic, but I swear...someday a MM needs to show up here with the name "I Kiss the Miss"...

[I Miss the Kiss]

Oh, come on. In all fairness, the same could be said about "B." He's exhibited some real shady behavior with secret meet-ups and emails and messages and what-not. Why don't we ask why HE chose to move in with the OP when it's quite clear he's not exactly 'in love,' either.

 

Thank you, that is a fair statement. I believe both B and I fell into this coming from a lot of turmoil. He was in the midst of breaking up with a cheating GF when we met, and obviously I had just left a marriage and was in the middle of chaos with now dMM. That isn't to say it couldn't have worked, but given my continued love for dMM, there is no way...

 

The other day it just hit me: "Who do you trust your LIFE with, IMTK?" Hands-down, the answer is dMM. I trust B to take care of us, be a companion... but when the rubber meets the road, no matter how hard I would try or how much faith I thought I had in B, I would never be able to say 100% he would never stray. That is not the relationship to be in.

 

So as for taking it slow with dMM, that is exactly what I plan to do. We need to date like normal, real-life people, in a real-life setting. I am totally at ease with this and know our life will blossom together. But as you all reminded me last month, I do not need to jump from one house to another. I need to create a life for me and my girls, on my own. Yes I will "date" dMM (at some point) but as I do that, I need to stand on my own. I will be 250 miles away from him. I do not "need" him to take care of us. I "want" him because I love him...