Dealing with an amicable break versus a bad breakup

[Babolat]

I have never had an amicable break up until my last gf. We both like each other a lot, never really had argument or fights, no cheating, no she did this or he did that, that caused the break up. There was no dumping, no surprises. Sex was great up until the last time. We have lifestyle differences that we could not resolve.

 

It's been a challenge for me as I can't go NC; nor can she. It just does not make sense as we care for each other. It almost seems hurtful; like I am losing a friend. Her and I both agree neither of us have been through this before. We are friends with a few exes, but that was years later.

 

I am wondering if other folks have noticed a difference between the two; a bad breakup where you are dumped, there was cheating, you fought all the time, etc verus an amicable one. Did you go full NC? How did you deal with it?

 

Her and I have had 2-3 weeks here and there of NC; then we end up texting or seeing each other; say "what are we doing" then go NC for a while again; then back. Right now we are sharing what hurt us in the relationship, what we both need in a relationship, talking about compromises, etc. Both of us are scared to try again because we are not sure if anything has really changed. She talks about change; yet we are both afraid to test it right now.

 

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

A breakup is a breakup, no matter how nice or bad it goes down. The difference when keeping contact is that it allows you to hold onto feelings longer. If tomorrow she meets someone and falls head over heels for him, will if have a negative impact on you knowing such things? If so, then NC is the way to go until you can handle hearing about or seeing her with another person.

[Babolat]

A breakup is a breakup, no matter how nice or bad it goes down. The difference when keeping contact is that it allows you to hold onto feelings longer. If tomorrow she meets someone and falls head over heels for him, will if have a negative impact on you knowing such things? If so, then NC is the way to go until you can handle hearing about or seeing her with another person.

 

She had a date last week and it does not bother me at all.

 

If she meets someone tomorrow, falls head over heals in love with him, then I suspect I would hear from her less, as she would be with him.

[KungFuJoe]

She had a date last week and it does not bother me at all.

 

If she meets someone tomorrow, falls head over heals in love with him, then I suspect I would hear from her less, as she would be with him.

 

I was going to respond to you in PM but this is as good a place as any.

 

Like I mentioned before, whatever you do, do it 110%.

 

If you go NC, then do it.

 

If you want to reconcile, then let her know exactly how you feel.

 

If you half ass it either way, you're setting yourself up for a WORLD OF HURT. You just said she already went on a date. We all know that if she ends up with someone else, you're gonna go freakin crazy because of the "What if" question still in your head. You're going to feel like you "helped her" make whatever changes she is trying to make, made herself better, and now someone else is going to reap the benefits.

 

I'm not saying that's the case, but just letting you know how it's gonna play in your head.

 

However, there is now the question of whether or not she wants to try again with YOU. If that is not the case, then you need to go full NC asap. It's going to hurt and will be hard as hell...but the amount of hurt you feel in the short run will be NOTHING compared to how you're gonna hate life if you hang around and find she's with someone else.

[lemondrops11]

also interested to hear people's thoughts on this! i broke up amicably with my ex due to big lifestyle differences even though we got an exceptionally well and loved each other a lot. He didn't want to end it, was my decision. It's been a year (in that time we emailed like once every month/2 months) and he just told me he's met another girl.

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks and hurts like f***! But he said he's happy to be friends whenever i am. I've now gone totally no contact. However, if and only if, in the future i've met someone else and am cool with the situation, i would be really happy if we could be in touch again with my ex as it seems a shame for people that mutually have such respect for each other have to be out of contact FOREVER.

 

That doesn't really answer your question but hope it helps. I guess it might hurt you more than you think seeing them get serious with someone else. But i'm interested to hear if people in a similar situation have made an exes friendship work.

Edited July 18, 2013 by lemondrops11
grammar error

[Babolat]

Yeah, I have read the NC guideline here, and it makes sense to me. Like you said, when it's amicable, how do you just cut that person off forever? Her and I talked about NC last weekend; we both agree it makes logical sense though we both go NC, yet we don't and I do care about her and want to know how she is doing, how her daughter is doing, etc.

 

What was your lifestyle difference and how long did you date?

[Cam116]

If you can handle the fact that she is going to be seeing other people/is already seeing other people and it truly doesn't bother you, I see no need to go NC. And she would also have to be completely okay with you seeing other people. My ex and I broke up almost 8 months ago after 5 years together. He pulled the plug, but the BU was months in the works. We broke up very amicably, but in the beginning there were still too many emotions going on between us. So a few months after the BU, we agreed we needed to go NC for a while. It was a fantastic decision. It helped me to heal faster. I found out he was dating someone a few months ago, and it didn't really phase me.

 

Now, we JUST got back in touch about a week ago. He called to tell me he is moving to Florida in 4 weeks, and wants to see me before he goes and wants us to re-open communication with one another so he can stay in touch. I'm glad we're going to be in touch, despite everything we still care for one another, and I believe that short spurt of NC was necessary in order for both of us to get our emotions in tact before we stayed in each others lives. So really it's up to you, but I see nothing wrong with doing NC for a bit, if it needs to be done.

[Emilia]

I have the same issues with amicable breakups and got a bollocking for keeping in touch on another thread

 

I think perhaps protecting yourself from that smack in the face when the other person starts dating is unnecessary. Perhaps when that happens you will cut her off anyway if you can't deal with the pain. Perhaps sometimes you need a real push to cut.

 

Or maybe it will turn into something more 'grey' where you still like the person and appreciate her but don't feel cut up that you don't see her (much) anymore.

 

Dunno. I don't feel enough hate or pain or indifference to go NC. I miss talking to my exes sometimes.

[RedRobin]

Nearly all of my breakups (matter who initiated) have been 'amicable'.. even the ones where some betrayal occurred, I just can't imagine doing the slash and burn like a lot of people do.

 

If the other person needs to do the slash and burn on me in order to end things, then I imagine it would make it easier to do NC...

 

Even then, I can't say it makes it less painful that things didn't work out. Just makes me respect them less and also makes it not likely I'd recommend them to anyone for anything going forward.

 

... about your situation... maybe this relationship marks a turning point in your ability to either a) pick more emotionally mature women b) be more emotionally mature yourself.

 

Going forward, you just need to create firm boundaries for your own behavior and hers... and do your best to communicate them.

 

I'd shy away from anything that is even remotely 'boyfriend' like if you choose to stay in contact.

[ASG]

I have never had an amicable break up until my last gf. We both like each other a lot, never really had argument or fights, no cheating, no she did this or he did that, that caused the break up. There was no dumping, no surprises. Sex was great up until the last time. We have lifestyle differences that we could not resolve.

 

It's been a challenge for me as I can't go NC; nor can she. It just does not make sense as we care for each other. It almost seems hurtful; like I am losing a friend. Her and I both agree neither of us have been through this before. We are friends with a few exes, but that was years later.

 

I am wondering if other folks have noticed a difference between the two; a bad breakup where you are dumped, there was cheating, you fought all the time, etc verus an amicable one. Did you go full NC? How did you deal with it?

 

Her and I have had 2-3 weeks here and there of NC; then we end up texting or seeing each other; say "what are we doing" then go NC for a while again; then back. Right now we are sharing what hurt us in the relationship, what we both need in a relationship, talking about compromises, etc. Both of us are scared to try again because we are not sure if anything has really changed. She talks about change; yet we are both afraid to test it right now.

 

 

Thanks

 

My last break up was amicable.

We didn't go NC at all. In fact, for the first few weeks, we spoke almost every day. We still had feelings for each other, but knew there was no point in trying to reconcile.

 

What happened? As time passed and we moved on with our lives, we started talking less and less.

 

It's been 2 years now and we still hang out every once in a while, or chat on FB, but nothing much. My feelings for him are completely gone. But I still have a friend.

 

So yeah. I don't buy into the whole cutting exes out of your life for good. I'm still on good terms with most of my exes. Do whatever works FOR YOU.

[Babolat]

Thank you for the feedback.

 

She texted me last night as she was home alone and she was having a health issue. I texted back enough to calm her down, which I felt was appropriate. She had a flat tire on a very busy road a few weeks ago, and texted me to tell me, not ask for help, and I went out to help her. I can't ignore that.

 

Sometimes I do feel full NC is in order. There are emotions still there and I am wondering if it will eventually keep me from moving on. I dunno.

 

This woman was not like any woman I have ever been in a relationship with and I was a different person (more affectionate, more intimate, more caring) and I liked how I was with her, and I loved her affection, which is something I did not really like in previous relationships. I was always touchy with her, holding her hand, rubbing her back, her leg, etc. Not sure where that came from.

[Babolat]

Nearly all of my breakups (matter who initiated) have been 'amicable'.. even the ones where some betrayal occurred, I just can't imagine doing the slash and burn like a lot of people do.

 

If the other person needs to do the slash and burn on me in order to end things, then I imagine it would make it easier to do NC...

 

Even then, I can't say it makes it less painful that things didn't work out. Just makes me respect them less and also makes it not likely I'd recommend them to anyone for anything going forward.

 

... about your situation... maybe this relationship marks a turning point in your ability to either a) pick more emotionally mature women b) be more emotionally mature yourself.

 

Going forward, you just need to create firm boundaries for your own behavior and hers... and do your best to communicate them.

 

I'd shy away from anything that is even remotely 'boyfriend' like if you choose to stay in contact.

 

I agree with you on the boundaries. I have been reading some good books on boundaries. Mine are weak, I know that, and I tend to let the woman cross them. Not sure why I do that. I am working though, seeing a counselor too.

 

We have both agreed we are not ready to date each other, in fact that scare me to death, so there is no bf gf talk right now.

[sweetkiwi]

I had an amicable breakup with my last boyfriend. I still speak with him, I still love him. We've both started dating other people but we wish we could be together. It's hard. I just want him to be happy, with or without me.

[Babolat]

I had an amicable breakup with my last boyfriend. I still speak with him, I still love him. We've both started dating other people but we wish we could be together. It's hard. I just want him to be happy, with or without me.

 

She said that to me recently, I just want you to be happy. It felt kind of corney, like she was just saying it. Until I said it to her recently too, and I felt it.

 

Why can't you be together?

[Babolat]

I have the same issues with amicable breakups and got a bollocking for keeping in touch on another thread

 

I think perhaps protecting yourself from that smack in the face when the other person starts dating is unnecessary. Perhaps when that happens you will cut her off anyway if you can't deal with the pain. Perhaps sometimes you need a real push to cut.

 

Or maybe it will turn into something more 'grey' where you still like the person and appreciate her but don't feel cut up that you don't see her (much) anymore.

 

Dunno. I don't feel enough hate or pain or indifference to go NC. I miss talking to my exes sometimes.

 

This is what she says to me, she misses talking to me, I am her best friend, she values my opinions, I have helped her grow, she can't imagine me not being in her life, etc. I know she means and feels this and is not playing games with me.

[KungFuJoe]

Staying in conctact after a break up always seems like a good idea...until someone gets into a serious relationship (not just dating). Then it hits the other person like a ton of bricks.

 

I've been on both sides. My first ex found someone new before I did. It devastated me even though I cheated and broke up with her (but we continued to stay in contact and was still sleeping with each other). I was about as miserable as miserable could be.

 

With the last girl I was with, we broke up amicably but decided to just see each other for sex. This lasted for a month or so and then I met the woman who would eventually be my wife and I told my ex that I wasn't going to see her anymore because I was with someone else. It turned a woman who I had never even seen shed a tear into a sobbing mess who begged me to reconsider.

 

In both cases going full NC would have saved both of us a LOT of heartache.

 

But much easier said than done.

[dasein]

Babolat are you two still sleeping together? If not, bravo, you've been gelded, and are now rationalizing yourself into accepting your new gelded status in the world.

 

In the past, after mild breakups, I would indulge their contact, still "be there" for them, realized that they were off in a new sexual relationship(s), still using me for emotional and even other support while solidifying other options. The relationship was the same... just as Sam Kinnison (rip) said, "We just don't have sex, right?" This was not optimal but not really any skin off my nose, I was free to do the same, so went with it.

 

Then Blammo! the instant a new thing solidifies, I'm left in the dirt, I'm ignored (if lucky), I'm treated as the "ex who just can't let go" very obviously as the new SO demands her have NC with me, even calls to threaten me with her there, when this was the furthest thing from the truth of how things were post breakup. I'd been used entirely...by her. This was actually more painful than the breakup, and especially that she had lied about me to the new guy for whatever twisted reason.

 

One made me into the "monster abusive ex" another one painted me as the "needy ex," another the "Mr. Big yardstick which you have to measure up to," NONE accurate or honest, but whatever seemed to fit their agenda in the new relationship best, that useful reality was fabricated. This was done to me maybe a -dozen- times over the years by various women!? Women I had been a great BF to, things just didn't work out, incompatibility whatever? I was the dumper in more than 50% of these situations. It wasn't the breakup that hurt, it was the dishonest post mortem. How could I have been with such liars and users?

 

No f-cking more with that kind of angst and female BS. Done is done after breakups, and I can't encourage others enough who haven't been burned in this extremely common way to consider similar. If you haven't been used and mistreated in this way, you will in time, you will. Best to be done and move on entirely. Good luck whatever you decide.

[sweetkiwi]

She said that to me recently, I just want you to be happy. It felt kind of corney, like she was just saying it. Until I said it to her recently too, and I felt it.

 

Why can't you be together?

Because he lives in England, and I am in Italy. It'd be very very difficult. And our lifestyles don't match, one of us would constantly be less than happy, and I don't want to hurt him.

[Babolat]

Because he lives in England, and I am in Italy. It'd be very very difficult. And our lifestyles don't match, one of us would constantly be less than happy, and I don't want to hurt him.

 

I always wonder about LDRs; never really had one. So you went into it knowing it would be a LDR? Or did it turn into one during the relationship because of a move? If LDR from the beginning, what was the trigger/event that caused it to end if you both accepted a LDR from day one?

 

What was the lifestyle mismatch?

[Babolat]

Babolat are you two still sleeping together?

 

In 4+ months I think we have seen each other 4-5 times, and with the exception of one time, yes, lots of sex.

 

The contact is really mostly text. I started cooling it off today, she is going away this weekend, so I will not text, thinking it will be good to have a cooling off period.

[dasein]

Agree with your idea of a cooling off period, suggest extending it to permanent. Emotional energy and time spent in this post breakup could be spent finding and starting up with someone more compatible. Good luck.

[Babolat]

No physical contact in 7 days...no texting for 3...

 

It's a start!

[Babolat]

Still no physical contact. I am not texting her. She sent me a text last night, sharing something she did last night, something I liked to do when we were dating and on my own, that she never understood, saying she gets it now and had fun doing it.

 

I sent a one word reply. She sent another text this morning on the same subject, I sent another quick "acknowledgement" reply.

 

9 days ago she said we should not see each other and we should probably go NC. We texted for a bit about that. No discussion or agreement to go NC since then. Not sure if these are breadcrumbs or her working thru things in her head.

[Emilia]

This is what she says to me, she misses talking to me, I am her best friend, she values my opinions, I have helped her grow, she can't imagine me not being in her life, etc. I know she means and feels this and is not playing games with me.

I didn't mean anything near this kind of intensity, just the occasional conversation or coffee. Reading the rest of the thread going NC is probably a very good idea in your case.

[LifeIsGreat]

OP, have to say I'm just about in the same exact situation as you right now. Except, we haven't been having sex.

 

Shortly after BU we agreed to tip toe back into relationship. I knew I had to be more firm with my boundaries while also not being as needy. With plenty of reading and therapy I have bee doing a great job on my issues.

 

However, my ex didn't seem to really respond and seemed to put all the effort on me, making very little herself. We have gone through this for over 2 months, and last week I decided to go NC.

 

During one of our conversations it came up that she had gone out on a couple dates (I have too, and have 'been with' a couple ladies since). Although it didn't bother me too much, when I think about her getting serious/sexual with someone else....... well, that stings. If I were to run into her out and about with another guy..... well, that would sting too.

 

Best to go NC until your feelings have subsided. Trust me!! Recently I have been hanging out with an ex I dated for 2 years (and apart for 3 years). Although she is 'special' to me and want good for her, my romantic feelings are done. When I hear about her other guys since me, it doesn't bother me at all.

 

Either work things out with this woman, or leave her be and move on with your life. Even if you are able to stay friends, at some point that will end when either one/both of you get into new serious relationships. Why not just be done with it now.