Dealing with an amicable break versus a bad breakup

[Babolat]

OP, have to say I'm just about in the same exact situation as you right now. Except, we haven't been having sex.

 

Shortly after BU we agreed to tip toe back into relationship. I knew I had to be more firm with my boundaries while also not being as needy. With plenty of reading and therapy I have bee doing a great job on my issues.

 

However, my ex didn't seem to really respond and seemed to put all the effort on me, making very little herself. We have gone through this for over 2 months, and last week I decided to go NC.

 

During one of our conversations it came up that she had gone out on a couple dates (I have too, and have 'been with' a couple ladies since). Although it didn't bother me too much, when I think about her getting serious/sexual with someone else....... well, that stings. If I were to run into her out and about with another guy..... well, that would sting too.

 

Best to go NC until your feelings have subsided. Trust me!! Recently I have been hanging out with an ex I dated for 2 years (and apart for 3 years). Although she is 'special' to me and want good for her, my romantic feelings are done. When I hear about her other guys since me, it doesn't bother me at all.

 

Either work things out with this woman, or leave her be and move on with your life. Even if you are able to stay friends, at some point that will end when either one/both of you get into new serious relationships. Why not just be done with it now.

 

I tried the hanging out with an ex (we dated for 3 weeks 2 years ago), until she went psycho on me after 3-4 hang outs, telling me she still loved me, always has and wanted a relationship. All I wanted was someone to hang out with, no sex. So that did not work.

 

I have not had sex with anyone else; I don't think I can.

 

My case is the reverse of yours, where she was initially the one making all the effort and I was not really responding. I then went NC, felt bad for not telling her I went NC, texted her to tell her, then she started sharing more about her changes and what upset\bothered her in our relationship. She was finally communicating with me, which she never really did before. She even stated she felt a bit vulnerable sharing some of the stuff she was but that she wanted to.

 

She continues to tell me about changes she is making in her life; I am very curious to see what those changes "look like" yet I have so many bad memoires of how her lifestyle affected me, I am not sure I can move forward. If I go NC I will never know...that is the grey area for me.

 

I can go NC; did it before, I can move on emotionally. It's that unknown about her changes that is on the back of my mind.

[LifeIsGreat]

Well, if you guys are communicating then what the hell. Go ahead and stay in touch. Try 'dating' her again while watching for the changes that are needed on BOTH sides. Also, STOP talking about the relationship and let actions prevail. Start over having a good time talking and spending time together. Make new memories and forget the past while learning from it. Learn to be in the current moment, in the present.

 

This is what a very good therapist suggested I do. I told him it might be hard since I don't know the outcome and I don't want to get hurt again. He helped me to understand that a "real man" should be able to deal with that if he really loves his woman and wants a future with her.

 

I did a very good job with my woman, but she wouldn't respond. I guess she was really used to ME making all the effort. But I will not put up with that anymore. From her or anyone else.

 

As long as you since incremental steps going forward, then keep communicating and seeing each other. BUT, only do it after you have decided that overall this is the woman for you.

[Babolat]

Also, STOP talking about the relationship and let actions prevail. This is what a very good therapist suggested I do. I told him it might be hard since I don't know the outcome and I don't want to get hurt again. He helped me to understand that a "real man" should be able to deal with that if he really loves his woman and wants a future with her.

 

I think we are seeing the same therapist!

 

Mine encourages me to live in the moment, stop analyzing (I am a big time over analzser). I mostly see him to help me work thru my anixieties; relationship and not relationship related.

 

He is not encouraging, or discouraging me to get back with the ex; he states my issues are real and need to be addressed.

 

Funny you mention "real man". One of her concerns with me that she expressed over text last week is that I was weak. She said I am not a weak man; by that she meant I was kind of half way in and half way out of the relationship, detached, distant at times. She said sometimes all she wanted was a hug, tell her its ok, surprise her, do something nice for her.

 

She is right as I was not feeling that towards the end of the relationship, I was so focused on her issues and my anxiety with them. In the beginning I was always surprising her, taking control if you will, taking care of her. As time went by that stopped and I was kind of "just there".

[Babolat]

We met to talk last night.

 

She repeated to me that she thinks she needs more time to work on her, that she has a lot going on in her head right now. She does not think she should be dating right now, brining her stuff into the relationship. At the same time she says she wants to still see me. I feel the same.

 

She acknowledged that she was going thru a lot of transitions when we met, which I use to tell her. She admits she was drinking too much, partying too much, that she was coming out of a very controlling relationship where she could not see her friends (he was very controlling about her doing things without him and most of the time he would not want to go with her, so she did not see her friends), she was reconnecting with all of them when she met me (she moved back to her hometown post breakup with him) and that that was selfish. But, she wanted to do it and had to do it, she wanted to do it as these friends are very importnat to her. I agree, she had to do it.

 

We talked about her drinking, some events while dating that bothered me; she apologized and states she was selfish, she knows that now, and it's actually me talking to her about that and about her transition while we were dating that helped her realize that. She states she has no desire to drink and party like she did then and has slowed way down already. She says as she looks back on our 12 months togetherr she now understands my concerns, and agreed they were valid and made sense.

 

I agreed with her, that she needs time to work on her, I need time to work on me. We both agreed we have a strong pull towards each other, unlike any person in our past. We both agreed there is something about our breakup that just feels wrong; like we should be together though maybe the timing is not right.

 

She feels selfish for wanting to see me, and I feel the same. We spent the night together, no sex for the first time, said our goodbyes this morning and left it there.

 

I am not sure I can go full NC with her as it just does not feel right. She feels the same. Will it keep me emotionally invested? Probably, though right now I am OK with that. If, in the future, I feel I need to go NC because of the emotional attachment, I will.

 

If, in the future she feels "good" on her own and expresses an interest in dating again, and I am not dating and I feel good on my own, I welcome that opportunity!

[Emilia]

If, in the future she feels "good" on her own and expresses an interest in dating again, and I am not dating and I feel good on my own, I welcome that opportunity!

That's fine if you are ready to recognise that you are not looking to fix your codependent tendencies.

[Babolat]

That's fine if you are ready to recognise that you are not looking to fix your codependent tendencies.

 

I am looking to work on my codependency tendencies, and so is she; probably the # 1 reason I too do not want to date her right now. We talked about this too last night, that we are both "fixers" and had copdendent tendencies in our relationship.

 

I understand what you are saying; I see this as a step in the right direction though; I can't fix her, I should not want to fix her, she needs to fix herself, for herself and I cannot be obsessed with her behaviors. If she can't then "we" will never work. If she does, and I a still feel codependent, than it will not work.

Edited July 25, 2013 by Babolat