my wife needs space after i caught her cheating

[male32]

me and my wife been together 5 years married 3 years she is 26 iam 32 i caught her cheating on me she was only intimate 1 time but talking with him for 8 months never expected it i told her to be truthfull tell me everything and i will forgive to make our marriage work and family stay together we have 2 kids so she told me everything i told her what i needed from her is lots of love affection and reasurance make me feel number 1 she said anything to make u happy well its been six weeks and the love affection and reasurane is very minmal so i ask whats wrong she says she hates her self she ruind evrything i cant stand to look at myself in he mirror iam so disguting how do u want to be with me after i did this i said i love u i forgive u people make mistakes as long as u learn from it and the affair is over we can get thru anything iam very positive reassuring and not bring it up the sitution just trying to figure out why she is not giving me her all wich she admits that she is not but wants to and it will take time now she wants to go to her parents for space to figure things out and how to make the sitution right what i dont understand is if i forgive her and want her here with me and the family and she tells me she wants the same then why do u have to leave me iam hurt over this cause i feel if someone needs space it should be me not her but thats not what i want i feel she should do anything for me to make me happy not hurt me more by leaving and now i have to explain to the 6 year old why mommy and his sister is not here now she tells me its what we need right now and its only going to bring us closer together cause some people told her the philosphy if u love something and let it go it will come back i try to get her to mc i try to get her to church i tried to have her read on the internet she is very independent and wants to figure it out on her own she says its been 4 days she is gone just some basic i love u and thinking about texts havent seen her i feel like my marriage is over and she is trying to break it off slowly iam confused cause if u love me want ur marriage and family together and u say your truly in love with me why do u need space to figure things out can someone please give some advice

[hayewils]

WOW, that is the most wonderful run on sentence I have ever seen.

Periods.. Periods..

Anyway, I think you should read my thread.. my wife left me and its killing me..

I see some of the same issues I dealt with. Does your wife have an issue with affection? My wife did.

You say your wife is very independent? My STBX wife is..

You may be in my situation. I believe, and anybody correct me if im wrong Please. But, I have come to the conclusion that someone who has a problem showing just a little bit of affection, is very independent. There are going to be problems. Don't get me wrong, independence is a good thing but if its to the point where she is so independent where she cant show affection, say I love you, then you might just be better off cause for me, that is nothing short of emotional abuse. Everyone needs a little affection, some attention, some acceptance. It helps everybody with their security in their relationship. I told my wife often that I loved her, walk over to kiss her while she was watching TV. I did little things.. looking back, maybe I over did some things. I know that I tried and tried and tried for my wifes affection, acceptance just to hear her say, I LOVE YOU

That is all I wanted, and I never heard it, and it broke me.

Also, you may want to consider the fact that your wife did cheat on you.

Lots of times, time away is so they can have the time with, quess who..

Don't want to be the bearer of bad news, only want to help you consider it to protect your heart, and your azz..

Good luck to you

[2sunny]

Sounds like she's creating distance. She may be plotting a way to keep in touch with her OM.

[ForeverHopeful1]

This is really sad. I am so sorry to hear about this and sorry youre in so much pain.

 

A wife who wants to reconcile, and is asking for forgiveness, plugs in 100% and does the hard work with radical honesty and complete transparency. Instead, she is ditching you, has taken your daughter away from you, left her son with you, and now, is completely backing away. Has she not even seen your son at all, and have you not seen your daughter?!?!?!?!

 

She is still seeing this man. Please open your eyes. She is creating space between you, and figuring out whether she wants you, or him. She isn't sorry.

 

If it was an EA for the most part, they slept together once in 8 months (which I find VERY hard to believe,) and you are willing to forgive her for this, she should be at home with you. You are correct in thinking the way you are thinking. She is off eating cake while you wither away into misery thinking about how you can beg, plead and pray for you cheating wife to come back. She is probably WITH him right now!!! Ewww.

 

She should be begging you, giving you passwords, being completely open and talking this out. You could be fixing this marriage as a TEAM and you seem to be the only one who wants this to work. You are married and should be working through this together, not separately.

 

You should seriously consider counselling. You are in a very bad situation right now and I worry for you. I worry that you are the one doing the begging and pleading. YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG! SHE DID!

 

I think figuring out why you are the one jumping through hoops is a good idea. Should she not be the one doing the heavy lifting to get things back on track?

 

Take care of yourself.

 

xo

[SuperGeek]

Looks pretty cut and dry to me.

 

1) Your wife is banging another guy

2) Your wife is not working on anything.

3) Your wife is checked out.

 

If I was in your position, I'd get a lawyer immediately and file.

 

Unless you want to be completely cleaned out financially by your wife who is banging other dudes, file divorce immediately. Regardless of why she's cheating, this can't be allowed to continue. The only way to demonstrate that is by filing and making sure the courts know immediately about this situation. This will also protect at minimum half your assets from being drained by your wife. The longer you wait the more time she has to drain you. I speak from experience on this.

 

Do it before you get destroyed by being too nice. Being nice does not help you at all once you've reached this point.

Edited July 19, 2013 by SuperGeek

[hayewils]

women do not do what they do without reason.

women do not leave men they love.

I do not have proof that my stbxw is sleeping with someone else, but I do feel that is what is going on and the reasons of her leaving. The way it was so easy for her to move on.

Get a jump start, people have really great advice on here and will make you really check your valves. You are being played in some way or fashion.

[r4lamar]

I was in the same exact situation - well the start of yours. Caught her, she admitted everything was super apologetic etc... But I could tell she wasn't all the way there. So I told her (through counseling) that she had to fix what was broken. We came together and told each other what we had to have from the other (total transparency from her is a must). She to is a very independent wild women - who I was willing to forgive and make work as long as she was willing to honestly fix her problems and work out what problems she had with me. So she told me she need to move out. I thought for sure that was the nail in the coffin and it took some self convincing to let her do it. After all she lies and cheats on me and then wants to move out. I started out allowing it because I wanted to tell my kids I did absolutely everything possible to save my marriage with their mom. We had little contact thru the week (only kid stuff) and we would still meet at counseling once a week. About 6 weeks or so into it I called her up and said - you know what you want, so lets just move forward with our lives. She said, she thought she wanted a divorce. I said ok, let's go to our therapy session and work out a parenting plan, she agreed. I went to her place the next day to work out a few details on money, cars, bills etc... I was very level headed and told her what she did to me was wrong but I loved her and was sad it was going to end - we then had a good conversation on where we thought it went wrong - we spent most of the morning together just being us, but left it at divorce. When we met at therapy I asked her if she still felt good about divorce - long story short, it didn't feel right to her and she wanted to give it one more shot. That was about 2 months ago. She has changed a whole lot and so have I. We continued to work thru therapy and we haven't been happier in the 12 years of marriage - we are honest, happy and enjoy that we have each other. Her guilt persists and she tells me about everyday how sorry she was. I know we have a long way to go, but patients and hope goes a long way. It was the hardest 5 months of my life but we are seeing that after going thru hell and back we can be stronger and happier than ever.

 

On her part - she had convinced herself we were growing apart and she married me to fast and it wasn't right. Our interests were becoming so different - then steps in a$$ hole old friend, simply asking how's life - well you get the point - one time affair - but lots of emails. In her mind we were getting divorced so why not sleep with someone else - out all this, I'm still so hurt that she wouldn't try and work things out first and the living a lie part (which sent her into a depression - I had no idea about the affair but I knew something was wrong).

 

Anyhow the point of her separation was to see how life without me would be... She (not as quick as I had hoped) realized this guy wanted one thing - dirty sex. She also realized what her soon to be ex husband was willing to through for her. We have both made big changes, but both for the better - it was also important that she saw me moving on with my life. Independent women like independent men - to me that wasn't going to bars and meeting women - that was taking care of myself physically, mentally and getting involved in sports and other interests.

 

As she put - she realized she was looking at going to eat at Taco Bell, while she had the turkey dinner at home. You never feel good after eating at Taco Bell. I told her she is dam lucky she has someone like me, and she needs to feel the same - that I am damn lucky I have her. Meaning we are both going to work our asses off for the relationship - but have fun doing it.

 

It really sucks what you have to go thru, and me being able to write this helps me, so sorry for the rambling. Make sure she fixes why she cheated on you, then forgive her.

 

Also, check her, question her make sure she's not telling you what you want to hear - I kind of put my wife thru the ringer but I had to prove to myself that she wasn't just giving me lip service. Good luck again, sorry this sucks so bad.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm afraid that your wife is not being truthful to you. I have no problem with a planned separation that allows people to heal and gain perspective. However, your situation has no plan to regroup, only separation. This appears to be a way to convince you that it is for the best and she gives you a glimmer of hope, while she plans her next step. I could be wrong, but I would bet it is another man.

 

A planned separation would include a time for reflection and no contact (30 days). A time that would allow for healing, including counseling and fun dates (30 days). This would progress to more intimate dates, including sex (30 days). This should end with a plan to reconcile or move forward in some fashion. Your situation only has a hope that things may work out sometime in the future, while that may be a romantic notion, it is not a plan.

 

I would advise you to go dark, you should not be an emotional crutch for her to lean on, don't be mean, but distance yourself. Look at phone records for signs of OM or other activities. Eventually she will wonder why you are not pursuing her and show her hand. She wasn't happy, she slept with another man, she left, this is all about her. She has declared you to be plan B, if I don't find anything better, than I might come back. This is no way to live life.

 

I recommend exercise to help relieve stress and make for a healthier you. You need to eat healthy as well and not use food as a pacifier. Spend time with your children, you need to insist on time with your daughter, your wife may not need you, but your daughter does. Spend more times with a hobby or start one you have always wanted to try. These things makes a more interesting you and more fun to be around. Look to make you a better you, that way if she stays or goes is her choice, but you will be fine either way.

[William]

As the thread starter logged out immediately after posting and has not returned, thread closed.