It's Done! I'm Spent, but recharging! :)

[LilGirlandOW]

So I'm posting because today, this morning I hit a breaking point. I texted MM to tell him that I cant be his second choice, asked why he stays with BS & told him I cant live off crumbs.. I'm literally wasting away, literally, everything about me down to my weight is at an all time low.

 

So,

of course he replied with what I figured he'd say if he were to reply to me, that I'm not his second choice, he cant leave his kids while they're so young... but if the M gets any worse he will leave and he also said over and over about how he/her are roommates, etc.

 

I dont care I'm emotionally spent, and its over as far as I'm concerned. We met briefly today for about a half hour before he had to work, as he insisted and I was in tears when I explained about how much I was hurting, etc.

 

I feel great too...

 

I'm meeting him tonight to say a final goodbye. I will do anything he needs to tie off the knot and move on, he has no choice cause "Dear Wifey" could possibly find out so he cant rock the boat....

 

It sucks cause I believe him, that he doesnt love he that way, and that he and I are in love, although, he can stick with the cake he has, not gonna let him eat at me anymore!!

 

I never thought this would happen

[LilGirlandOW]

I have no vindictive feelings towards him, I kinda feel a little bad for ending things actually, but I texted firmly my decision when I woke and met him breifly before he had to work and will again after he's dont work... whatever he needs to tie a knot and move on like I said.

 

He knows I'm done.

 

I dont know if our R was unique, but we really were/are in love and I'm going to be cold and not give him what he needs to deal with this.

 

I literally think he looks at BS, more as a mother to himself like the kids and myself as his longtime GF which he does love.... I dont doubt that, the pain in his face and eyes was real, it was pain,

 

That being said... I love myself as much as I love him right now,,,,,, which is a step up from even yesterday when he was my world and my dreams.

 

I know our dreams wont come true in this decade, he's worried about his kids resenting him for walking out, as he did his father, and his brothers kids their father..... thats not my problem as I know a great relationship can be maintained apart from staying in a "bad marraige", I love my father and we have a great relationship,,,, he's remarried and I love my step-mother too, so thats a flawwed outlook imho,.

[LilGirlandOW]

Lying or not, not my concern anymore and I love that feeling.

 

Maybe they "get it in" every other month or so, I'm not gonna be his fuel to keep his marraige happy. Cause they seem to fight less since I'm in the picture and I know it has to do with us being so "in love" and "happy". They used to fight like cats and dogs.... thats not the case anymore.

[LilGirlandOW]

I have been keeping him on "Cloud 9", he had it made. The little issues in life seem to smooth over when your in the passion filled lovey haze and thats the truth......

 

He has been living with blurred lines and i dont want it anymore, lol, or so the song goes.

 

I just woke up a different person today, I dont even recognize me:bunny:

[MissBee]

Good for you!

 

Hopefully you don't get sucked into other "meet-ups" as frankly, if you had a dday, chances are he'd not give you any time to "deal with it" and when he ran off and left you with your crazy ex, he wasn't concerned about how you were dealing but about himself. So you're far too gracious in ALWAYS putting his needs above your own, when he doesn't give you the same courtesy.

 

It's not an easy road, but it's a step in the right direction and it's not cruel to require time to yourself. It was cruel of him to leave you with your ex, he did it anyway and you forgave him seamlessly, so hopefully he will forgive you for ending things to preserve your sanity.

[MissBee]

Lil,

 

I meant to add that this is an unstable time. In my own A I ended things so many times, then got sucked back. I would feel exhilarated like I finally put my foot down, but in the next day or two after he'd reach out saying he loved me etc. I would miss him and slowly go back. So warning you that the hardest time is sticking with it, through NC, at least for a month. Believe me...you're gonna go up and down in emotions and feelings. One day you will feel like you're so over it and another day you're in a puddle wanting to hear his voice and thinking maybe you should've stuck with it. The hardest thing is keeping sight of why you ended things, as when you begin to miss this person, it goes out the window and you downplay or forget all the bad just for a hit of the ILYs and sweet-nothings. Then the cycle starts again of accepting crumbs.

 

My advice is to stay away from further meet ups and talks as he will no doubt attempt to woo you back and I do not believe you're strong enough to simply say no. I would tell him I need time alone and really try to detach from him and post here anytime you're feeling weak like you want to run to him...because those times will certainly come and are the times when you need to be the strongest.

[LilGirlandOW]

No no I'm done, booked a vacation to disneyworld.

 

I havnt looked at my phone once to see if he texted/called and I usually carry it on my hip just incase. I really am done, C'est fini!

 

If he ever needs anything I'll always be there, but not as a lover or a bootycall.

 

He's transferring very very soon like within days, he pleaded for me to stand by his side and wait out the 6mnth placement, cause I'd have to literally rely on texts and calls, we wouldnt be able to see eachother at all really. I cant do that... I would go insane..... perhaps the transfer made me open my eyes more to what I need from my man. Sadly the married part, with him, I could deal with... the lack of him I cant.

[LilGirlandOW]

side note: I still have his chain, muhaha! lol.

 

I reallllly feel like the weight of 10,000 men has been lifted off my shoulders, I never thought this would come..... I thought he and I would run off and have a fairytale ending, I'm not waiting 10-12yrs till his kids are grown,,, WTF!

[MissBee]

No no I'm done, booked a vacation to disneyworld.

 

I havnt looked at my phone once to see if he texted/called and I usually carry it on my hip just incase. I really am done, C'est fini!

 

If he ever needs anything I'll always be there, but not as a lover or a bootycall.

 

He's transferring very very soon like within days, he pleaded for me to stand by his side and wait out the 6mnth placement, cause I'd have to literally rely on texts and calls, we wouldnt be able to see eachother at all really. I cant do that... I would go insane..... perhaps the transfer made me open my eyes more to what I need from my man. Sadly the married part, with him, I could deal with... the lack of him I cant.

 

The problem is Lil....leaving the "friends" door open is what leads to more, as lovers cannot seamlessly become friends until they are totally over each other and married APs are even worse. My A ended and it was when we were "friends" that it really simply became an EA.

 

Hence others are warning you about being careful of meeting up and all that, because it is in those "innocent" meet ups where you think you're being adamant about not being a bootycall that the lines still get blurred and because you're still emotionally attached, it can become a case where you're still involved in his life emotionally and it still hurts you, although you're paying lip service to being done....as we've seen with some OW here who claim to be done with MM but are still highly entangled in his life and are emotionally invested as his "friend", a friend they're still in love with.

[LilGirlandOW]

yes I am still in love with him, he coulda had it all... we coulda had it all.

 

It is what it is, all he talks about when he mentions BS is how disgusting she is, how she let herself go and how vanilla she is and cold hearted. Well like I mentioned in past threads, her and I are 180 degrees different, and he can have fun with that!

 

I'm sure I'll get the odd, moderate miss you text, as I still believe he madly loves me, he just cant be with me due to circumstances,,,,, of his own, so I will kindly step back. I even changed my mind about pursuing his SINGLE, gorgeous, super nice friend/ new boss (that doesnt know about us), as i dont wanna rub salt in the wound.

[MissBee]

No. He has a wife, if he needs anything. You need to cut him out completely. You can't be friends with a married person that you have crossed a line with. Because even if you're not sleeping together, it's still an affair. It still undermines his marriage.

 

Ditto.

 

A married man cannot be friends with his OW if he's still married, and she with him if she's trying to move on from being hurt and disappointed. Period. Point blank. MM I'm sure has other friends and family whom he can count on should he need anything. You however, need to focus on taking care of your own needs and not worrying about him. Cut off ALL support: sex, emotional, friendship etc. It's not easy, believe me, I know...but it's the only way you can have a genuine shot at really moving on.

[LilGirlandOW]

No he used to say how miserable home life was and how much they faught.. Our A, actually imho enhanced his M. Now he only talks of BS as an ugly old troll that he cant stand intimately. I was not a part of an exit affair, he longed to be in love and have an intimate connection with someone, found me and I made his life finally whole, he had a family and a lover.

 

I believe we were in love like two crazy teenagers but that only existed when he jumped into my compartment, at home he had the simple life with his kids everyday. He had a choice, he said he cant leave while his kids are young, he will never find another OW, or even partner like I was to him, I gave him my all and he thanked me daily for that, he thanked me daily for staying by his side, he thanked me daily for all the love and understanding he never knew existed. It just not sustainable......

[LilGirlandOW]

And he wants to "be with me" just not 100% until the kids are older, lol, wow, I'm not waiting around and living off crumbs for that long.

 

It took ALOT for me to muster up the courage like I did today to tell him that and I think that courage opened doors to even more courage cause I feel like I can do anything now, even without him.... I'll miss him, I'll miss being "his little girl" I'll miss everything..... thats why I'm keeping busy planning a BIGTIME vacay , I've been to Disneyworld 2 times with the kids previously and its hard work to plan so my next two months are going to be filled with joy and planning, not pondering MM's next move.

[2sunny]

No no no!! No final meeting. You don't need a final meeting.

 

These things never have a picture-perfect storybook ending. They just end. Refuse the final meeting and finish it properly by ignoring him.

 

IF you we're done - and I mean DONE! There would be no reason to EVER meet with him - EVER AGAIN!

 

I think it looks like your brand of manipulation to cause MORE drama.

 

Don't you ever get tired of causing all this drama?

[sweet_pea]

No he used to say how miserable home life was and how much they faught.. Our A, actually imho enhanced his M. Now he only talks of BS as an ugly old troll that he cant stand intimately. I was not a part of an exit affair, he longed to be in love and have an intimate connection with someone, found me and I made his life finally whole, he had a family and a lover.

 

I believe we were in love like two crazy teenagers but that only existed when he jumped into my compartment, at home he had the simple life with his kids everyday. He had a choice, he said he cant leave while his kids are young, he will never find another OW, or even partner like I was to him, I gave him my all and he thanked me daily for that, he thanked me daily for staying by his side, he thanked me daily for all the love and understanding he never knew existed. It just not sustainable......

 

I'm sorry, but a lot of what he says is probably speculation. I mean, unless you've met with his wife to compare stories, how do you know that his home life was truly horrible? That they did not have sex/intimacy? That he thought his wife was a troll? Clearly, all he had to do was give you a few "I love yous," tell you of his 'horrible' life, and you were willing to be his side piece. If he told you that his home life was great, he was pretty satisfied with life, you'd be so willing to be his OW?

 

I believe you were in love, but not enough for him to leave... or to treat you the way you should be treated (he left you with your abusive husband... hello!) If he was so in love with you and so miserable, he would have packed his bags and left. He would have got his things in order and made the effort to have a full, authentic relationship (as I call it).

 

I'm glad you realize it isn't sustainable, though. That's important to realize. You deserve much better than you've let yourself be treated as. Jumping from one abusive/dysfunctional relationship to the next just isn't healthy for anyone (as you have shown with your weight loss and deep sadness, etc) Work on yourself. Please don't date. And friendship with him, is a definite no.

 

Oh, and WHY meet with him? What else is there to even say?? Let it be DONE.

[whichwayisup]

He knows I'm done.

 

And I hope you mean it. It's one thing to say it and end it with him, it's a whole other ball game to really let go and BELIEVE in your heart that you've made the right decision for yourself, even though the pain is telling you otherwise.

 

Lil, I AM going to hold your feet to the fire on this. Meaning, I'm gonna kick you butt if I read in weeks that you're still 'with' him or speaking to him..

 

I AM proud of you that you're ending it... Time will tell if you can truly stay strong and ignore him, go total NC, allow yourself to grieve the loss, let go and heal. It won't be easy and it's a continual process you will have to push yourself to do so stay strong!

[whichwayisup]

And he wants to "be with me" just not 100% until the kids are older, lol, wow, I'm not waiting around and living off crumbs for that long.

 

It took ALOT for me to muster up the courage like I did today to tell him that and I think that courage opened doors to even more courage cause I feel like I can do anything now, even without him.... I'll miss him, I'll miss being "his little girl" I'll miss everything..... thats why I'm keeping busy planning a BIGTIME vacay , I've been to Disneyworld 2 times with the kids previously and its hard work to plan so my next two months are going to be filled with joy and planning, not pondering MM's next move.

 

Yeah and monkey's might fly out of his butt too! It's not gonna happen.

 

I'm glad to read that you're making plans to keep busy. So far you're on the right path..Though I'm not too sure about this 'final' goodbye thing. BUT, if it helps YOU get closure and for you to let go, than use it to your advantage. Make it all about you, not him. Say goodbye, mean it and walk away, don't look back.

[2sunny]

I wish you'd stop allowing him to refer to you as "a (his) little girl"

 

THAT is just gross and creepy!!!

 

You're a grown woman! Expect to act like one and be treated as a grown person!

[LilGirlandOW]

2sunny, i dont care what you think. this is my book and im attempting a new and exciting chapter. i will meet him cause he asked me to and my greatest fear as of a day or 2 ago was a cold hearted breakup. so ill give him more of the same answers but my bottom line is the same. hes even scared to cime to my house now so we reverted back to clandestine meet ups at "our spots" i cant do that anymore, when we shared my space we felt like a real couple doing real couple things. now it feels like a bootycall when we meet cause i knew how it used to be prior to xH forced entry situation. i cant do that. but i can understand hes hurting through this so ill be here to help him through this. im a good person and have a big heart well whats left of it....

[whichwayisup]

yes I am still in love with him, he coulda had it all... we coulda had it all.

 

It is what it is, all he talks about when he mentions BS is how disgusting she is, how she let herself go and how vanilla she is and cold hearted. Well like I mentioned in past threads, her and I are 180 degrees different, and he can have fun with that!

I'm sure I'll get the odd, moderate miss you text, as I still believe he madly loves me, he just cant be with me due to circumstances,,,,, of his own, so I will kindly step back. I even changed my mind about pursuing his SINGLE, gorgeous, super nice friend/ new boss (that doesnt know about us), as i dont wanna rub salt in the wound.

 

He says that about his wife, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends. The woman who carried his children for 9 months.. The woman he built a life with. SO yuck and disrespectful of him.. Yet he ain't leaving her, never is, never was going to. Imagine the stuff he could be saying behind your back. Keep that in mind! He can bash his wife, the woman whom he loved at some point in time, enough to marry her - SO don't fool yourself into believing he'd never bash you behind your back to whomever.

 

BLOCK HIM. If you truly are serious about your A being over, you'll change your number and block him out of your life in every way possible.

[2sunny]

Do not meet him.

 

If he needs comfort/understanding - he has a wife for those needs! Let him go to her - not you!

[sweet_pea]

He says that about his wife, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends. The woman who carried his children for 9 months.. The woman he built a life with. SO yuck and disrespectful of him.. Yet he ain't leaving her, never is, never was going to. Imagine the stuff he could be saying behind your back. Keep that in mind! He can bash his wife, the woman whom he loved at some point in time, enough to marry her - SO don't fool yourself into believing he'd never bash you behind your back to whomever.

 

BLOCK HIM. If you truly are serious about your A being over, you'll change your number and block him out of your life in every way possible.

 

This! If he says that about his wife, imagine what he says/will say about you... the other woman, to his friends or others.

 

I really hope you can find happiness, and have a true ending of the affair...

[LilGirlandOW]

Unless we were still in A and a dday happened where he had to pull some cowardly shyt, he would never speak a bad word about me.... although he did say once before A that I was too short, lol. We connected on so many levels its a shame that our R could never come to fruition, we ran the same rat race together at work everyday side-by-side through good days and absolute hell, and through that our friendship turned into a emotional bonding... through all those days hard and gruelling we never once had even the slightest of arguments, just grew closer. If either of us were at a breaking point the other just knew the right thing to say or do to make it right. We always agreed we made the best team ever on earth, its just sad that the teams fallen apart

 

And I did meet with him tonight, as planned. I'm trying to not live with regrets and I feel with our history for me to not see him when he needs me is heartless and i couldnt do it.

 

We met at a park, sat and talked in the middle of a lit field.... he had a rough day at work so i listened and gave him advice. See this is another thing I'm the only person who knows everything that goes on from working with him as his assistant and also he gave me insider knowledge as it came about through out EA to current so i see his whole professional picture. In the end he kissed my head and said I'll always be his little girl and he has a big day tomorrow with his new location and said he's happy I can be beside him in spirit tomorrow, and he kissed my forehead.

 

Is this still EA? It was a very sweet innocent night, i enjoyed it, no ILY's no sexual stuff, just the team (he and I) sitting close talking life

[hoping2heal]

Lying or not, not my concern anymore and I love that feeling.

 

Maybe they "get it in" every other month or so, I'm not gonna be his fuel to keep his marraige happy. Cause they seem to fight less since I'm in the picture and I know it has to do with us being so "in love" and "happy". They used to fight like cats and dogs.... thats not the case anymore.

 

Well, that's what he says. Realistically you have no idea what their marriage is like or how often they do or don't fight. You put faith that what this man has told you is true and you believe it all which makes it come to life but what the true dynamic is you're not really aware of. I'm glad you've decided to do better by yourself because this guy sounds full of crap. If he were so concerned about his children's well being then he wouldn't have affairs at all. It's the common cry of the married man and yet an absolute contradiction since anyone who believes children do better with both parents in the house would be aware that children do better when the parents have a loving relationship. Ergo those with that belief would work on improving their marriage and not eroding it.

 

No doubt he had a real catchment to you but when it was time to put up or shut up the real truth emerged.

[HopingAgain]

If he's capable of talking about his wife that way, of course he could, would, and probably already has talked about you.. Like that time he was "high fiving" with coworker for "scoring" with you. Its almost guaranteed they discussed your sexual exploits in probably the most disgusting of ways. Locker room talk about a woman you claim to love is not respectful. You even admit he might do some.cowardly talk about you if a Dday occurs, so deep down you know its true.

 

It is still an emotional affair if you continue to sooth him and stroke his ego, he's gonna try to find a way to slink right back into your bed, or whatever spots you're now using since he won't come to your house anymore.

 

I wish you strength and clarity to see this guy for what he really isn All that little girl talk is so creepy and disturbing. I hope he doesn't have daughters..its just so inappropriate to call your sexual partner "my little girl!"