It's Done! I'm Spent, but recharging! :)

[veryhappy]

How young are these children? Attached to the breast young? That's just and excuse. A good one, but an excuse.

 

Good for you for putting an end to it.

[LimeBlue]

The only way to say this is over, is to go full NC. I have gone full NC with numerous people in my life - friends, family, past AP, and latest a very good friend who I treasured and would have done anything for, but alas I will never see or speak to him again.

 

It hurts. BAD. But you have to do it. This man will not leave his wife, the men very rarely actually leave. He can speak all the words he likes yet it is his actions which prove what he is all about.

 

Right now you may be confident in your resolve that it is over - until you hear a song on the radio, or perhaps you feel lonely one evening, and when those moments occur you may feel inclined to reach out to him. I wish you luck... I fear you will face further hurt down the line over this

 

Since you met him in the park, how do you feel right now about never seeing or speaking to him again?

[findingnemo]

No he used to say how miserable home life was and how much they faught.. Our A, actually imho enhanced his M. Now he only talks of BS as an ugly old troll that he cant stand intimately. I was not a part of an exit affair, he longed to be in love and have an intimate connection with someone, found me and I made his life finally whole, he had a family and a lover.

 

I believe we were in love like two crazy teenagers but that only existed when he jumped into my compartment, at home he had the simple life with his kids everyday. He had a choice, he said he cant leave while his kids are young, he will never find another OW, or even partner like I was to him, I gave him my all and he thanked me daily for that, he thanked me daily for staying by his side, he thanked me daily for all the love and understanding he never knew existed. It just not sustainable......

 

An old ugly troll... I really don't like that. What does this old ugly troll have that keeps him chained in her home?

 

I don't know , Lil. I'm all for love. I even believe that married people can fall in love with other people, etc. But this guy sounds like POS. I don't trust men who can insult their Ws like that. I don't trust any man who can insult a woman he chose to be with like that. It smacks of FOO issues.

[MissBee]

. but i can understand hes hurting through this so ill be here to help him through this. im a good person and have a big heart well whats left of it....

 

Women who allow the men in their lives to walk all over them and who put these men's wishes before their own think they have a big heart; they do, but not enough self love and self respect so consistently sacrifice their own well-being for men who would never do the same. You've consistently shown that you put your crazy ex's well being and this MM's over your own, when both of them have shown they'd never do that for you.

 

When you break up with someone you cannot also be the one to "help them through"...sorry...doesn't make any sense Lil. He will survive...I'm certain. All helping him will do is keep you stuck. He doesn't need help. He's a big boy. People get broken up with everyday and life goes on. You've told him why, he's not stupid, do you need to make him tea, stroke his head and give him some comfort-sex so he gets it? You don't need further talks or hand-holding...that's not how break ups work. I'm happy you've taken the first step, I truly am, but you have a ways to go with putting yourself first. Hopefully you get there soon! MM is fine. You didn't end things coldly. You need to now let it go and not "help him through"...omg every time I say this I wanna scream at you, because it makes no sense lollll. Don't. Enjoy Disney...MM will be fine. Promise.

[Sarabi]

side note: I still have his chain, muhaha! lol.

 

Sell this thing on eBay to make some holiday money

[waterwoman]

But this guy sounds like POS. I don't trust men who can insult their Ws like that. I don't trust any man who can insult a woman he chose to be with like that. It smacks of FOO issues.

 

Exactly. Doesn't that strike you too Lil?

[LimeBlue]

There are times where we all feel frustrated with our partners, or others in our lives, and want to lash out. Sometimes we do lash out, and have a grand moaning session about someone or what they did. But name calling is another ball game. Ugly old troll? That is so derogatory that I am battling to comprehend it. Perhaps someone genuinely is a nasty person in life, but that just makes them nasty and probably selfish, even then it does not make them an ugly old troll. And to say this about a life partner, who is also a marriage partner, and mother of their kids? This hurts to read of such derogatory comments.

[hippetyhop]

Congrats on taking this step.

 

It is a long, hard road.

 

Although its been less than a week for me, I feel as if I'm coming to peace. Biggest advice- stay NC! You don't owe him a "final" goodbye or anything like that. You don't owe him an apology. You owe it to yourself to be the better person and move on. Now anything in his life is his problem.

[LilGirlandOW]

My reasons;

 

(1) He says he will stay until the kids are older,,, that could be like mentioned forever.... I cant keep this up that long, its less than a year and I feel a little bat shyt crazylike a herion addict who see's a hologram of herion infront of them, I keep grabbing for the drug and my hand always comes back empty. Not sustainable for the next 10-15+ (at best) years...

[Got it]

You havent ended it with him.

 

Ending it with him means you dont "help him through" or "be there for him".

 

Until you have blocked his #, deleted his contact info, and refused any contact whatsoever with him, you have not ended it.

 

Also - Your reasons for "ending it" arent even the right ones. You're ending it because

 

1) he's going to be gone for 6 months and

 

2) he refuses to come to your house to meet you anymore, making you meet at secret public spots.

 

You should be ending it because you're tired of the deceipt, lies and being his secret side piece.

 

Its clear you arent going anywhere in terms of him. Just more of the same...business as usual with you two.

 

I am sorry, there is criteria on ending things!?! So if it isn't for the above reason does that mean the OP should end things???

 

I think if someone is done, for WHATEVER reason, then they should end things. I don't think telling someone what they should do, think or feel, is appropriate or correct.

[So happy together]

]His children are not that important to him. This is evident because he is having an affair' date=' which, if discovered, could jeopardize their respect for him. Second, he's not worried about his children when all the time he spends with you could be spent with them[/b'].

 

He will find another OW. You working with him made it easy but he's addicted to the attention like you are. He will find another understanding soul who will become addicted to his, "Only you understand" line.

 

He has a choice and he made it. He chose to stay with his wife. The kids are simply a convenient excuse for his cowardice.

 

You made this move because he's moving for work and you know you can't keep your hold on him. He called your bluff by not telling you he can't live without you and will do anything to keep you. That's assures him you'll be right there when he comes back and that you don't get any ideas about telling his wife about his antics.

 

He's still in control.

 

 

I'm sorry, I didn't even read the rest of your post. I think it's ridiculous to make this kind of a statement. You don't know thing one about his parenting skills.

 

Hey, Lil, if you want to end things, then you do it IN YOUR OWN WAY. Nobody has the right to tell you 'what works' or 'what doesn't'. They don't know your relationship. So read, take what you need from the posts, but make your own decision based on what helps you get the outcome you want in the best way possible for you.

 

Chin up.

[So happy together]

I am sorry, there is criteria on ending things!?! So if it isn't for the above reason does that mean the OP should end things???

 

I think if someone is done, for WHATEVER reason, then they should end things. I don't think telling someone what they should do, think or feel, is appropriate or correct.

 

Thank you Got_it. I was trying to say the same and didn't see your post until after I'd posted. I completely agree.

[pest947]

My reasons;

 

(1) He says he will stay until the kids are older,,, that could be like mentioned forever.... I cant keep this up that long, its less than a year and I feel a little bat shyt crazylike a herion addict who see's a hologram of herion infront of them, I keep grabbing for the drug and my hand always comes back empty. Not sustainable for the next 10-15+ (at best) years...

 

I am proud of you LilGirlandOW I have been mostly a lurker with a few posts but this site has been a tremendous help. I was/am in a similar situation as you, my OW claimed how much she loved me, different beds, staying for kids, can’t hurt anyone…blah blah blah…Both you and I deserve better then this. If it was true and he wasn't a total coward he would leave. I did, my A started with me being married to..but I left it was a bad situation and despite the A was the right thing for me to do. Yes, I have two young girls I did not want them to think that kind of a dynamic was OK.

 

It sounds like you have reached a point where I have. We tend to build these people up in our minds, for them and the relationship we had to take on an almost godlike state, when in reality it was nothing close to that. Whether it’s because of esteem, just the fact we can’t have them or both. I have really started to see my OW for whom she is the last few weeks, though I do slip and it sounds like you have gotten there too. One of the first posts I read here, I think by Pierre helped me start this process….

 

quote below:

>>>>>

 

Is the connection strong enough that you are willing to share her?

 

It sounds like she wants to stay married. She will want you to still be there to meet her emotional needs whenever it is convenient for her.

 

Reconsider the soulmate thing. Pierre is right. When someone is meeting our emotional needs, we feel so good and this makes us feel connected. Think about whether you truly love her, or if you love the way she makes you feel. What do you love about her as a person, apart from the feelings she inpsires in you? Is she honest? Loyal? Giving? Because to me it sounds like she's selfish, disrespectful and needs a lot of attention. Most would not consider a lying cheat soulmate material.

 

Why do you? Why set the bar so low? Wouldn't an honest woman, with integrity, and strength be a better choice for a soulmate? A woman that doesn't already have a husband and family at home?

 

You deserve more than being a supplement. You met her emotional needs because she felt neglected by her husband. Now that he knows, he may change. She may not need you anymore. She's going to try to keep you in the background for occasional ego boosts. You will have to decide if this is enough for you.

 

For most cheaters, love and emotional connection aren't enough to make changes.

They want both, and will try to keep both for as long as possible. The affair partner is usually the one that has to say "enough. I deserve better, and I'm never going to find it waiting for you". It usually ends when the ap can no longer tolerate it.

 

Keep yourself busy, it really helps. It will take time and space to get over her, but you will.

[KathyM]

Good for you, for coming to the realization that this relationship is not going to work for you. Putting you on hold for who knows how many years, expecting you to wait in the wings until he finally decides his marriage is so bad that he wants to leave it, is offering you less than bread crumbs. Don't allow a cheating loser to tie up your time and your life. It's not worth it. HE is not worth it. There are men out there that can give you the attention, love, respect, and joy that you need and are looking for. This guy is a cheating loser who is unwilling to leave his marriage, but continues to cheat on his wife and tie up her time and life with a lie. I'm glad you are not willing to settle for this anymore. NC is the way to move on from this. This guy needs to have the door firmly shut on him so that he can no longer keep cake eating. And you deserve a real relationship, and no longer settle for this crap.

[Owl]

LIL...I suspect that you're going to find out eventually that ending the PA aspect of the affair but remaining his "friend" in whom he can cry about how bad his day was and dump all his emotional woes on doesn't actually mean the same thing as ending the affair.

 

You'll both pine for the days when you were PA...and eventually find yourself back there again.

 

The only way that won't happen is if you break off contact completely and totally.

 

No talking, no 'friendship'...nothing.

 

Until you hit that point, all you've really done is throttled back the dosage of your drug of choice (him)...and increased the desire for more.

 

Seriously...you underestimate the addictive power of the affair, and over-estimate your own willpower in this situation.

 

EA is still affair. As long as you maintain an EMOTIONAL connection...you remain in an affair.

 

If you want to end it...end it. But realize that doing anything less than all of what you need to do is not going to get you the results you're looking for.

[So happy together]

I know if his children were that important, he'd be investing his time in them versus hanging his other woman. His judgement sucks. Using one's children as an excuse to avoid being honest makes his so called parenting skills moot.

 

 

You don't know this. You're guessing. Making assumptions. You may think. You may wonder but you certainly don't KNOW.

[sweet_pea]

You don't know this. You're guessing. Making assumptions. You may think. You may wonder but you certainly don't KNOW.

 

Well, Lil has said herself that he spends holidays with her (or had), goes to her house at night/during the daytime/his off time many days out of the week and that they are in constant contact. Where exactly do you see father of the year in any of that? From what she describes with him working and then playing with her most of the time, I would also deduce that his parenting took a backseat during the affair. But you're right, all we can do is assume.

[So happy together]

Well, Lil has said herself that he spends holidays with her (or had), goes to her house at night/during the daytime/his off time many days out of the week and that they are in constant contact. Where exactly do you see father of the year in any of that? From what she describes with him working and then playing with her most of the time, I would also deduce that his parenting took a backseat during the affair. But you're right, all we can do is assume.

 

I do understand your point. What I'm saying is, it's probably not a good idea to say things like that when we just don't know. We of course can assume but we honestly don't know. That's all. My bf is in constant contact with me. But other things in his life do not suffer from this.

[Got it]

And we know what assuming does . . .

[sweet_pea]

And we know what assuming does . . .

 

On second thought, let me not reply at all...

Edited July 19, 2013 by sweet_pea
as if you've never assumed anything in your life :rolls eyes:

[sweet_pea]

I do understand your point. What I'm saying is, it's probably not a good idea to say things like that when we just don't know. We of course can assume but we honestly don't know. That's all. My bf is in constant contact with me. But other things in his life do not suffer from this.

 

Of course, I don't think anyone is saying that their assumptions are facts. However, I do think that most of us are left to assume. I mean, Lil assumes that MM doesn't speak badly of her and the other things she says, I assume one thing, you assume the next, yada yada. These kinds of situations are pretty much chalk full of assumptions, guesses, and so forth.

 

As far as your comparing your BF to this situation... I see it differently, as your BF's daughter is all grown up and so she doesn't need the same attention that younger kids (like the MM in Lil's sitch.) need.

[So happy together]

I know if his children were that important, he'd be investing his time in them versus banging his "little girl." His judgement sucks. Using one's children as an excuse to avoid being honest makes his so called parenting skills moot.

 

You've no idea how much time he spends with his children.

[HopingAgain]

This is not rocket science. Cheating is a selfish act. Selfishness is not a trait that makes for great parenting.

[jlola]

So his wife is an ugly troll? I am sure this MM is a handsome prince who just got so unlucky:sick:. Sad, he is saying this about a woman who is the mother of his children .Such hate. They share half her genetics. Does he think that of them too???

 

I will not try to appeal to your common sense as so many wise people here have already done. But I will tell you one thing. The people here who are urging you to leave are the ones who really care. Think about this. If you told your mother, father,grandmother,sister,therapist,psychiatrist or anyone else who cares or are educated on how addiction affects people, they would say the same.

 

Now let me appeal to your vanity. You say he is like heroin, like a drug. Do you know what years of heroin does to someone? It sucks the life out of you. Do you know how years on anxiety,lack of sleep,stress,depression does to a person? It sucks the life out of you. It causes wrinkles,lowers your immune system, can cause stomach problems,etc. You will wake up 5 years from now looking much older than you do now.

 

All because you are trying to save your drug and help him not feel pain. But you will be the one it effects the most.

 

As someone else has said, you would never advice a friend who is an addict or an alcoholic to hang out with druggie or addicted friends to help them through the addiction. You would advice they need to stay away. They can get help elsewhere if needed. But you twist this logic in your head so your outcome is different.

Good luck. To me,no man is worth risking my looks,my physical health or my mental health. Anyone who encourages you to continue in the way you are is not advising well.

 

There is a book called "women who love too much" you would do well to buy it.

 

You seem like nice girl who really believes this man knows the meaning of love. He does not. He is one with a big ego who realizes you need validation from him and he will give it to you because you will pay him back tenfolds. It's not about you,his wife or his kids. It's all about HIM!

[jlola]

 

As for constant texting. I share custody of my son and when he's with me, I used to constantly text friends, BF, whoever, play Words, etc while I was supposedly "playing" with him.

 

I soon relaized Im cheating him by doing that. Sure he's is "fine" and didnt "suffer" as a result, and its not harming him per se when I play on my phone around him, but the fact is I'm not giving him my full attention - and he deserves that. So barring urgent sitautions, when Im with my son, I put my phone away.

 

And obviously her MM continuously chose to spend time with his OW that could have been spent with his children.

.

 

 

I don't have any children, but I have nieces,nephews and friends with kids I take out occasionally. All the kids want attention. Kids talk alot,play alot. To be on the phone constantly or texting constantly is not showing them much attention. It's difficult enough to be with one child and on phone or text. I can imagine,2,3,4,5, kids.

 

I have a friend who was going through a very hard time. Her husband was in an affair and she would talk on the phone alot with her mother or sister.

 

Her 12 and 14 year old daughters were upset because she was always on the phone. I had to laugh since I never would have imagined teenagers cared about that. But they did. Even at their age,where they were much more independent they felt the neglect.