It's Done! I'm Spent, but recharging! :)

[Got it]

Can you imagine how upsetting it would be to young children to know their father cheated on mommy?

 

That alone in my book qualifies as not being a good dad. He may have been a great dad, but he currently is choosing his priorities over the well being of his children.

 

As for constant texting. I share custody of my son and when he's with me, I used to constantly text friends, BF, whoever, play Words, etc while I was supposedly "playing" with him.

 

I soon relaized Im cheating him by doing that. Sure he's is "fine" and didnt "suffer" as a result, and its not harming him per se when I play on my phone around him, but the fact is I'm not giving him my full attention - and he deserves that. So barring urgent sitautions, when Im with my son, I put my phone away.

 

And obviously her MM continuously chose to spend time with his OW that could have been spent with his children.

 

So yeah, I dont think he's father of year.

 

And I fully agree with PP who have said children raised by unhappy parents who "stay together for the children" are worse off, have a harder time emotionally, than children raised by parents who pulled the bandaid off, separated and went on to become happier, albeit separated, parents.

 

I was an adult child when I found out my mom cheated on my dad when I was a young child. The emotion I felt? Annoyance and continued frustration that their marriage continued on for as long as it did with that having happened so early on. My parents did stay together for the kids. He and I argue about what was the right decision to do as he stands by staying. There are a lot of consequences to them continuing their unhappy marriage though. I concede that I can't know if I was better off with them staying together or not. What I would have been better off was if there was any scenario where they could have been happy people. That would have been in our best interest. And may not have been an option married or divorced.

[So happy together]

No but every minute he spends with his "little girl" is time away from them. Apparently the troll he's married to can be trusted to take care of them.

 

Geez, the naïveté of some adults just blows my mind.

 

Can you justify everything?

 

That's kind of a personal attack on me, when I was not justifying anything. It just seems to me that nobody knows his relationship with his children and attacking him, especially when he is not here to defend himself is a crappy thing to do. If you think that is justifying, whatever.

[So happy together]

You don't know that I'm not right. Reasonable assumptions based on facts provided by the OP have led me to these conclusions.

 

Just like you don't know what your separated MM is doing while he's 1700 miles away. Apparently you feel certain about that.

 

You just love attacking me. Perhaps you should try attacking others that care. I just think you are being kinda silly.

[So happy together]

I've never attacked anyone on this forum. I will defend my point of view because it's logical in this situation. Any time a MM spends with his OW that could be spent with his children is selfish. He can't be honest about where he was, it doesn't nourish his family, and it's to the detriment of their mother.

 

If this MM then uses his children as an excuse not to divorce, I'm doubtful they are the priority he claims.

 

If me being "kinda silly" is equal to sensible, I'll take it.

 

We were discussing a man that we don't know and whether or not YOU think he neglects his children. Then you went right into what I do or don't know about my boyfriend. Kinda personal and nothing to do with what we were discussing. You took a jab. I'll give it to you, even though it's crap.

Edited July 19, 2013 by So happy together

[LilGirlandOW]

Well, Lil has said herself that he spends holidays with her (or had).

 

Yes we spend at least a few hours together on holidays as well as in contact. Christmas morning we were together (working) all night till the morning then spent quality time for a couple hours in the morning after we left work.

[KathyM]

Yes we spend at least a few hours together on holidays as well as in contact. Christmas morning we were together (working) all night till the morning then spent quality time for a couple hours in the morning after we left work.

Well, if that isn't neglecting your kids, I don't know what is. He works all night on Christmas Eve instead of being with his kids, and he spends Christmas morning with his OW. Nice dad there.

[HopingAgain]

Yes we spend at least a few hours together on holidays as well as in contact. Christmas morning we were together (working) all night till the morning then spent quality time for a couple hours in the morning after we left work.

 

So with this said, we can put to rest the theories about MM's parenting not being affected by affair in a negative way. Is anyone gonna dispute that it's not great parenting to be with your mistress on Christmas MORNING instead of watching your kids unwrap gifts with smiles on their faces?

 

The more I learn about this guy, the more I want to puke. What a prize!

[HopingAgain]

Well, if that isn't neglecting your kids, I don't know what is. He works all night on Christmas Eve instead of being with his kids, and he spends Christmas morning with his OW. Nice dad there.

 

He just sounds like an all around terrible person: He calls his wife disgusting and vile names but stays with her, cheats, leaves OW to the mercy of a raging violent ex, disrespects OW to her face and behind her back, can't even be bothered to go to her home anymore because he's a coward but still wants to meet up outdoors to screw around, and now we learn he leaves his kids and wife on Christmas to be with an OW he doesn't even treat well. Don't even want to think of what's next with this guy and shudder to think of what all may have been left out so far. He truly seems like an abusive person!

[HopingAgain]

Truly, I think he is one of the worst MM's I have ever read about on here.

 

What is with these guys? The abuse to both OW and BS is unacceptable.

 

One MM physically assaults his OW, so who knows what he does to his wife.

 

This guy seems emotionally abusive and manipulative to both women.

 

There is the guy who illegally videotapes his wife without consent.

 

We women should not be protecting and enabling these losers...we should be standing up for each other. BS and OW should not allow the other to be degraded and humiliated.

 

This is so unacceptable.

 

It really is unacceptable, and these are the types of men that GOOD men would rally together to protect their daughters, sisters, nieces, cousins, etc from. Abusive men and infidelity go together hand in glove. They not only have no qualms about using women, they enjoy the cruelty of their behavior towards them.

[jlola]

The sad thing is, because he is not doing these things to Lil, so it is ok. There used to be a test given to dates. Look how he treats the waitress, then you know even if he treats you well, he may treat others he finds not worthy with disrespect. Now everyone knows about this test, so they are all on best behavior.

 

Basically, the test was telling you to see how "disrespectful or rude someone can be" to anyone he deems lower than. Because one day you will be on the receiving end. This man has proved he is capable of cruelty,selfishness,cowardise and disrespect to those closest to him.

 

The saddest part is Lil cannot even see how disrespectful he was in bragging to his friend about her. First off he should be more than embarrased to admit to anyone he is having an affair. But because he is morally bankrupt, he cannot see how wrong it is. Second, to discuss who the affair partner is, is also disrespectful if they work in the same place.

 

Lil, I have a feeling the reason you are so attached to this man is because he gives you a high. validates you are the best thing he ever can get. You thrive on that. You thrive on him comparing your beauty to his wife's. You thrive on him telling you,you are the best. You need him to validate your worth. You are happy to hear his friend's surprised reaction that he can get a woman as hot as you. It makes you proud.

 

It is interesting that instead of aiming higher and for someone equally yoked. You seem to aim lower in looks,integrity,character. Why is this? Why are you so happy he can not do better than you?

 

You should have such pride in yourself to know, even if there are amazing women going after the same caliber man. You are the one chosen out of all the amazing women. that is validation! Raise the bar in the men you choose.

 

Also, think about this. What if one day someone spoke about you the way he speaks about his wife? People get older,looks fade,you can be in an accident, whatever. What would you think about that person? Would you think he was a good person? Funny, when we or family members are on the receiving end of the insults how clearly we can see.

[KathyM]

He just sounds like an all around terrible person: He calls his wife disgusting and vile names but stays with her, cheats, leaves OW to the mercy of a raging violent ex, disrespects OW to her face and behind her back, can't even be bothered to go to her home anymore because he's a coward but still wants to meet up outdoors to screw around, and now we learn he leaves his kids and wife on Christmas to be with an OW he doesn't even treat well. Don't even want to think of what's next with this guy and shudder to think of what all may have been left out so far. He truly seems like an abusive person!

Yes, this guy shouldn't be with any woman. Fortunately, this OP is starting to see him for what he is, and maybe, hopefully, the rose colored glasses are starting to come off. She obviously has a pattern of being with abusive men. Maybe she was abused as a child or witnessed her mother being abused by her father, and so this is the norm that she has come to expect. I am hoping that she will start to value herself more, and be able to see through the false façade that pretty words and compliments by the MM erect. If she could see the decayed interior that is behind this man's façade, hopefully she will start to think she deserves better than this. This man's actions have shown him to be selfish and only caring about himself. That makes for a lousy husband, a lousy father, and a lousy boyfriend. I wish women would value themselves more and not put up with crappy behavior from men.

[sweet_pea]

Yes we spend at least a few hours together on holidays as well as in contact. Christmas morning we were together (working) all night till the morning then spent quality time for a couple hours in the morning after we left work.

 

I'm literally trying to figure out when he spends time with kids. He works all day, then goes to Lil's house, texts/calls her all the time, and might spend time with her on holidays. Where exactly do his children factor in? I'm sure he might have been a great day before the affair, but as we know, with the affair as a distraction, he doesn't focus on the things he should (like his children, wife, etc). It's just all really sad where his priorities lie, and that Lil is fine with it.

 

HOWEVER, I am glad that Lil is breaking it off. I truly hope that you will be strong enough to go through with straight-up NC. Still being there "as a friend," is not the way to go, especially for you with the way you seem so drawn and addicted to the affair and this (crummy) man. I hope that you see him for who he REALLY is, especially by the way he treats you and others around him. I hope you also actually divorce and legally handle your ex, and get into some therapy-- you need it (not meant in a mean way), to see why this happened, and hopefully help you avoid these situations and just bad situations in general.

 

Keep us updated, and I do hope you at least take SOME of the advice given to you, we all mean well

[BrokenPrincess]

Truly, I think he is one of the worst MM's I have ever read about on here.

 

What is with these guys? The abuse to both OW and BS is unacceptable.

 

One MM physically assaults his OW, so who knows what he does to his wife.

 

This guy seems emotionally abusive and manipulative to both women.

 

There is the guy who illegally videotapes his wife without consent.

 

We women should not be protecting and enabling these losers...we should be standing up for each other. BS and OW should not allow the other to be degraded and humiliated.

 

This is so unacceptable.

 

Still not as bad as the MM who keeps his OW & their love child up a mountain and then had them over to spend Christmas with him & his unsuspecting W. Oh, and would do drive bys waving to the child from the car but couldn't stop because her family didn't know he was the dad. I consider that guy a tie with Lils MM.