dreaming4ever Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 My boyfriend and I got into this discussion last night......he said that he's not sure he even WANTS kids because it scares him a little to have to be responsible for someone one day other than himself....which is odd since I told him if we're married he'd be partially responsible for me....but anyways, he said that if we have kids there will be SO MANY THINGS we won't be able to do and we'll have WAY less money and we'll be like everyone else who works at a job they despise and pays the mortgage and owns a house and never has any money for anything but the kids......what do YOU guys think about this?? My argument is that I've wanted children for as long as I can remember. I can actually remember being 8 and telling my mom I couldn't wait to have babies so I could have 12 of them and live happily ever after. Maybe that's not so realistic but even though I'm not a parent I'm pretty sure there's a LOT of people out there who think having kids was one of the greatest things they ever did that they are SO GRATEFUL they decided to do? What's better than having a piece of your love out there? A child that you can teach everything based on how YOU see the world, someone who you can cuddle with and love and who looks up to you....I just don't think there's anything better than that....so share with me your ideas guys....I want to hear from everyone but feel free to add your two cents if you have kids as well to tell me what you think of it....... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 I think he's being selfish myself. Just because you have children it doesn't mean you're going to wind up at a job you despise, you're going to have to pay a mortgage anyway, and there are so many MORE things you can do with your children. He's looking at this all wrong in my opinion. We have 5 little, "cling-ons", and there is never, never a dull moment!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Don't EVEN think about getting married untill you know that you both have the same goals for your future! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 Don't worry, I would NEVER be able to get married to someone who is not willing to have children with me. Last night was the first time my long-time boyfriend ever said anything like that to me. He says he definitely wants one....not sure about more. But he's such a sweetheart I bet we would have one and he'd be addicted and want more Awwww I can't wait!! Right now I think he's just seeing the negative side of being a parent b/c he has a close friend that hasn't been able to hang out much since he had a kid cuz he has no money and spends a lot of time with his child. Wow I would LOVE to have 5 kids one day.....I've always loved being in houses where there's kids everywhere doing ten different things...maybe that's why shows like "7th Heaven" are the types of shows I enjoy.....I've always thought 6 kids is the magic number...but who knows.... Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 HAHA One at a time dear I couldn't imagine myself with more than two! I always thought I wanted alot of children ( I have one) and now it's changed, you never know what's going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 How old is he? He could be in the wrong mindset. And some people don't want (or need) kids. To each their own, but you just may want to find someone with similar thoughts on rearing children. But again, he could just be young and not as mature. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 I think he's being selfish myself. How so? By not wanting to have children or by not wanting to give his girlfriend the opportunity to have a child? What's better than having a piece of your love out there? A child that you can teach everything based on how YOU see the world, someone who you can cuddle with and love and who looks up to you....I just don't think there's anything better than that.... I think this attitude is more selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 Oh my boyfriend is 25 (in a month)....I wouldn't break up with him over this...I know he would never tell me we're not having ANY children, he knows how I feel about children. Even two would be ok and he's said before 2 would be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Elmo Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Well, I would never try to tell you what to do. It's your life. However, I read your first post and it said that your boyfriend did not know if he ever wanted kids. Then, later you said he wanted just one. My dear, you should listen to him. He may be trying to keep you around for your current relationship. Alot of men don't want kids. I know this is shocking to you, but true. Why do you think that so many kids are raised by single mothers? I will tell you, and it may be painful to hear: Women think the men they are in love with will be forced to be with them when they have their babies. NOT. Please! Find a man who first wants to get married. Then discuss having 1 child. Have the child and see if you want to do it again. See if you can afford it. Or another. Or if your husband wants to. Just some advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Amen to that Elmo, being a Single parent is very hard, before you think about having children make sure your spouse is in it for the long haul and for the children. saying that it's still impossible to know for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky How so? By not wanting to have children or by not wanting to give his girlfriend the opportunity to have a child? A little of both. He's more concerned with having time and money to do what he wants to do, and disregards her desire to have children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 Wow Pocky, You think I'm selfish for wanting to have a child? Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Being a Parent is the most UNSELFISH job a person can possibly have Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 Exactly stoneheather, I just don't get how someone can think that wanting to love your child and do everything you can to make sure they have a happy life and grow up to be awesome human being can be SELFISH....maybe I missed something... Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 A little of both. He's more concerned with having time and money to do what he wants to do, and disregards her desire to have children. Everyone should have the right to live their life in a way they feel makes them the happiest. If he doesn't want to have children I don't understand how that makes him selfish. She is not forced to be in a relationship him and if she decided to end the relationship because she wanted children, would you in turn call her selfish for not sacrificing her desire to have children for him? Having children isn't an obligation that we've acquired by simply having been given life. There are people in this world that are destined to be parents and there are people that are destined not to be parents. By forcing the concept that everyone should have a child we are populating the world with children that are born to people that truly have no interest in raising a child. Not having children isn't selfish - having children and then having no interest in raising them is selfish. I wish more people would take the time to decide if in fact they honestly want to raise a child. It is no easy task and many parents are failing at it miserably. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 You think I'm selfish for wanting to have a child? Not at all. That wasn't my point. For someone that wants to be a parent for the right reasons, it in itself is quite a selfless act. Being a Parent is the most UNSELFISH job a person can possibly have Being a "good" parent is. I just don't get how someone can think that wanting to love your child and do everything you can to make sure they have a happy life and grow up to be awesome human being can be SELFISH....maybe I missed something... Well that's not what she said is it? Let's look at her words: A child that you can teach everything based on how YOU see the world Her intention is to create life so that there is another person that views the world exactly like her. That is selfish. someone who you can cuddle with and love and who looks up to you Her intention is to have a child so that this child can admire her and worship her as a human being. I think her intentions for being a mother are selfish simply based on the way she expressed motherhood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 Considering I'm the original poster who wrote those things you quoted you're talking about ME not HER....but honestly, don't you raise your children telling them things you believe in so they can begin to know how to look at the world? I'm not saying I would make my children clones of myself, I was just saying I would want them to realize important things like how while on earth we all should help others as best as we can and try to make the world as great a place as we possibly can while minimizing others' suffering. I don't think I am selfish for wanting my children to have those kinds of values. And no I don't want to have a child so it can admire me and worship me...I believe I said someone you can love and cuddle and who looks up to me. What's wrong with wanting your child to look up to you? I plan on being a positive role model my child can respect and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As for wanting to love and cuddle my child, I don't believe that is selfish. I have a lot of love within me, is it wrong that I wish to share some of that? I plan on being a good parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Considering I'm the original poster who wrote those things you quoted you're talking about ME not HER.... I quoted three comments and it wasn't an intentional slight to refer to you as "her". I didn't bother looking at the names when I responded. I apologize that I didn't make those two comments directly to "YOU". but honestly, don't you raise your children telling them things you believe in so they can begin to know how to look at the world? Yes, I agree that you share your views with your children. I think it's important to educate children on not only your own personal views but various views throughout the world. Providing children with as much information as you can so they can come to their own conclusions that are based on knowledge is one of the many tasks for parents. I'm not saying I would make my children clones of myself, I was just saying I would want them to realize important things like how while on earth we all should help others as best as we can and try to make the world as great a place as we possibly can while minimizing others' suffering. I don't think I am selfish for wanting my children to have those kinds of values. I can't assume what you meant. I only respond to your words. There are many people that have children for personal - selfish reasons. It's not completely unrealistic for me to, after reading what you wrote, to interpret your words that way. As for wanting to love and cuddle my child, I don't believe that is selfish. I have a lot of love within me, is it wrong that I wish to share some of that? I plan on being a good parent. I didn't comment on the cuddling part. Link to post Share on other sites
unwanted teen Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I agree with Pocky. I think you do want kids out of some idealized notion of parenthood, and I think you have selfish reasons. Everything you said afterwards was just backtracking. If you want someone to cuddle with and look up to you, adopt a pet from the local animal shelter. I know this sounds cold, but listen: So many mothers can't wait for the little bundle of joy to teach and mold. But when their little darling expresses his or own personality and rebels, you're not the magical adult anymore and motherhood doesn't validate you like it used to. Meanwhile, the child suffers from a lack of unconditional love. Sharing genetic material does not guarantee the same personality, worldview, or values. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by unwanted teen I agree with Pocky. I think you do want kids out of some idealized notion of parenthood, and I think you have selfish reasons. Everything you said afterwards was just backtracking. If you want someone to cuddle with and look up to you, adopt a pet from the local animal shelter. I know this sounds cold, but listen: So many mothers can't wait for the little bundle of joy to teach and mold. But when their little darling expresses his or own personality and rebels, you're not the magical adult anymore and motherhood doesn't validate you like it used to. Meanwhile, the child suffers from a lack of unconditional love. Sharing genetic material does not guarantee the same personality, worldview, or values. Whoa, whoa, WHOA!!! I'm going to try not to be judgemental here. But you are the one who decided on the screename, "Unwantedteen". I have to ask, what brought you to use this screename? Is it the originator of this thread? NOPE! I think that just because you're in a situation that you feel your parents don't want you, doesn't give you the right to blame the original poster for being selfish. ANY child brought into this world is either one or two things. They are either here because two people choose it to be, or that he/she was brought in purely because a man and a woman were selfish enough to have sex and pleasure themselves. For some, they're fortunate enough to have loving parents that planned the birth to begin with. Then, there are those that were a product of their selfish pursuit of quenching their lust. The latter are usually cared for by their mothers, and fathers are most times not interested in taking the responsibilities to care for the child. It's a shame. My point is, this poster has a geniune desire to have a child, care for that child, raising that child with her's and her husbands values and morals instilled into that child. Her dilema to begin this thread, was to express her fear that the one she's currently in love with, doesn't share her desire. I'm truly sorry that you don't have that unconditional love that you need. It's not SELFISH of you to desire that. And it's not SELFISH for this woman to give a child a wonderful, fullfilling life. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 You beat me to it moose! You read my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I can actually remember being 8 and telling my mom I couldn't wait to have babies so I could have 12 of them and live happily ever after. When I was younger I wanted 7 . I really think I want to have kids when I get older. If you and your boyfriend both decide you want to have children and wait until you've settled in and have a job that you like, you won't have to worry about getting stuck in a job you hate or not having money to do things you enjoy. Your life doesn't end just because you have a child. Things do change, money does get tighter and I'm sure your priorities would rearrange, but you could still find time to do the things you like to do. A child that you can teach everything based on how YOU see the world I don't think I am selfish for wanting my children to have those kinds of values I think I understand what you mean, and I don't think you're being selfish. When I have children I will definitely want to teach them my morals and values. That's what I think parenting is mostly about, teaching your child the difference between right and wrong. And it's not SELFISH for this woman to give a child a wonderful, fullfilling life. Moose. Link to post Share on other sites
bulldoggirl Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 To the original poster...I'm 26, and still unsure whether I want kids or not. I've been married for 2 years, and all along I always just assumed we'd have them because "that's what you do" when you get married. But since we've been married, I'm realizing that I like our life just the way it is....I like having nice things, being able to take trips, go out when we want & not have to find a sitter, etc...my husband about freaked when I told him that I could be perfectly happy just having a couple Bulldogs (we have 1 now) and no kids...I feel so bad because he really wants kids, but sometimes I think he has a more "Kodak moment" view of raising them....he sees the fun stuff, like teaching a son how to fish, play ball, etc....I see all the WORK, and let's face it, most of the work falls on the woman's shoulders and I don't know if I could handle it. Plus, I'm the type of person that likes "MY" time alone....I don't like alot of chaos, noise, etc........so who knows???? I'm just scared to death that I could lose my husband because of this if I don't ever "come around" and want kids.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreaming4ever Posted October 26, 2004 Author Share Posted October 26, 2004 Moose, stoneheather and honey2005, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm very thankful you guys are considering what I'm actually trying to say in this post instead of picking it apart looking for ways my exact words could be interpreted differently. Most people besides you guys seem to be missing the reason why I started this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 If you don't want to be criticized don't post on a public board. I think I have a right to be concerned with the men and women that bring children into the world and don't take the time to seriously consider the responsibility of raising a child. It's more than than just cuddling them and having them admire you as a person. Your boyfriend may realize this and is making the responsible decision in not having children because he is not willing to make the sacrifice it takes to raise a child. The point was made simply on the basis that, for you and Moose, your boyfriend's lack of desire to have children is selfish, yet your desire is completely unselfish. Unfortunately, I refuse to make the assumption that just because you want to have children you have no selfish motives. Many people have children for the wrong reasons, even when they've planned and organized, so by narrowing it down to just two instances is a little too simplistic when discussing such an important topic. Viewing motherhood (parenting) as an idealistic euphoria is a very immature way of viewing the responsibilities one incurs after creating life and creates the potential for a lot of disillusioned parents. It's too late to change your mind once the child is born - my post(s) wanted to be sure to point out that having children is not a selfless act. Anyone can breed, that doesn't mean we're all supposed to. Link to post Share on other sites
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