I cheated he still wants me. Why would he?

[sayyes19]

What's there to judge? You did what you did! You're not sorry for doing it, you're just sorry on how this all came about. I can already see that. So, there's nothing to judge.

 

You ask why would he do this, and I told you. But, I also gave you a glimpse of what he will be going through.

 

I also gave you advice on what you need to do in regards to your boyfriend. Because I think that the reason you REALLY came on here is to get advice on how to soften the blow. And I told you, the most humane thing for you to do is get rid of him and never look back. Don't entertain talking with him, going out for coffee with him....nothing. He needs to heal from you and what you did to him. And it's going to take a while for him to heal from this.... but even longer if you're still in his life in some form.

 

You are not his friend. He didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with you for the end result is that he's nothing more than a "really good friend" to you.

 

Look, you feel guilt about hurting him....and, well you should. A good definition of love is literally giving your heart to someone and trusting that person enough not to break it. Well....take a scientific wild ass guess what you did. So, there's consequences to your actions. You hurt someone. There it is. You hurt them and you're going to feel guilty about it. But, if you value this other guy more than your boyfriend....well, that's the price you pay. And that's something that you're going to have to live with for a while.

 

Yeah, what you did hits home a little and you have to understand that you're coming to a forum where a LOT of us have been hurt by the same actions you did to your boyfriend. So, if my post or anybody else's seem a bit "harsh".....well, you have to remember where you're at.

 

So, my advice is to get him out of your house and never look back. That would be the most humane thing to do.

 

She should also not try to justify her behavior. She should basically say "I'm not the person you fell in love with anymore". It will hurt to say, but she owes it to a guy whom she just crushed.

[therhythm]

Exactly, it's a personal thing... it was more about the fact the OP seems surprised at the forgiveness being offered. The OPs partner is ok with it, so I guess it's up to the OP to make the next call.

 

What I am trying to say is that if you ask most of the people before the cheating happening they will tell you that cheating is a deal breaker...

Once the cheating has happened people take other things in consideration (that shouldn't be taken)... fear of being alone, codependency, children, money... etc and often decide to stay in the relationship for one or more than one of those reasons even when they know they deserve better... that is not forgiveness is weakness and indulgence...sadly enough it happens most of the times. :sick:

Edited July 20, 2013 by therhythm

[salparadise]

What I am trying to say is that if you ask most of the people before the cheating happening they will tell you that cheating is a deal breaker...

Once the cheating has happened people take other things in consideration (that shouldn't be taken)... fear of being alone, codependency, children, money... etc and often decide to stay in the relationship for one or more than one of those reasons even when they know they deserve better... that is not forgiveness is weakness and indulgence...sadly enough it happens most of the times. :sick:

 

Our lives and existence are complex. Individuals are unique. Reality, or our perception thereof, exists on a continuum. Advice on LS tends to be black and white, absolutist, and fails to recognize that multiple dimensions exist within different individuals. Should and shouldn't are mighty big words to impose on someone else, especially if we don't know much about them. Must forgiveness and the ability to continue loving and being committed to someone you love, despite their human failings and injury they may have caused you, always be seen as weakness? Is it not possible that someone could do this as a result of having learned to separate from the ego?

 

In the OPs case, having no regret or remorse is a clear indication that she would be doing the guy a favor by setting him free to love someone who can be as dedicated as he is, regardless of the reason. I respect his willingness to forgive whether it comes from weakness or strength.

[sunrays012]

I never said I felt no regret or remorse I just wanted to know why a person would forgive something like this so quickly. That was my original question. That is all and while some of you make very valid points some of you were just bashing and that's unnecessary.

[shakenandstirred]

3 MONTHS. as far as the other guy I am not getting into his back story but with the 2nd guy it will not be an issue. No the 1st will never be able to trust me again and thats the point I made to him when he asked me to drop the other guy and stay with him

Do you honestly think that 2nd guy will really trust you too. He could think if you cheat with him, you can cheat on him too. Affair relationships have high probability for failure.

[sunrays012]

Do you honestly think that 2nd guy will really trust you too. He could think if you cheat with him, you can cheat on him too. Affair relationships have high probability for failure.

 

I have read the stats many times and that was a major concern for me we discussed it many times. He did exactly what I did. We came together bc we were both unhappy. He took the 1st step by leaving his partner then I did it.

Why we both stayed in unhappy relationships--- Comfort, Fear, Money etc. We didn't do the right thing and I have often said we should have met under different circumstances but it's done now. Cat is out of the bag but and it's because of these stats that I have fears about the new relationship but my current has expressed wanting to work this out. I couldn't understand why. I have asked him myself and for the past few days we've been rehashing things.

Edited July 20, 2013 by sunrays012

[CrazyConcept]

Maybe he is plotting some nice revenge and will hit you soon with it? Hehe. You deserve it anyway.

[sunrays012]

Maybe he is plotting some nice revenge and will hit you soon with it? Hehe. You deserve it anyway.

 

You know that was something I thought of way before any of you even said it. He is a vendictive person so this would not be off base. I can remember a time when he would throw furniture accross the room when I wouldn't have sex with him. When he was unemplyed for over a year and he would be playing games on the computer and I would ask "why are you not looking for a job" and again yell in my face and throw more furnature accross the room. Mind you way before I started the A.

Also a time when I tried to play a joke on him and he threw a big case of CD's at my leg.

 

Also during our engagement when we would argue about him getting a job after he was unemployed for over a year he would threaten to take my ring back and "give it to some other b@tch" and yes I am quoting him.

 

Also when I was having a private discusion with his father about his finances because we didn't have a pot to piss in and he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me outside and threatened me.

Also some other things that drained the love out of me. MIND YOU THIS IS WAY BEFORE MY A.

 

You guys want to judge that is fine and NO I do NOT deserve sympathy and NO I should not have done what I did but people generally don't do things like this for no reason.

Also during one of my birthday party’s I had to be pulled aside by one of my friends that my current and one of my friends were in my bedroom hugging and just about to kiss

It’s possible that the reason he’s so quick to forgive is because he’s done it too maybe just a long time ago but at this point why bother questioning him.

[Imajerk17]

He still wants you because he is desperately in love with you. He is unfortunately willing to do whatever it takes to work things out with you and settle for scraps of your love in the meanwhile.

 

You're handling things in a very passive-aggressive way--you're still hoping he will break up with you so you won't have to do that. Extremely selfish of you. You need to take responsibility and end this outright so he can go through the grieving process and start healing.

 

I personally feel that you are leaving one horrible situation for another horrible situation, but that's all some women feel they deserve so that's just what they do. C'est la vie.

Edited July 22, 2013 by Imajerk17

[Chi townD]

Okay, so he wasn't boyfriend of the year. Find me one that is. They don't exist.

 

You still did him wrong and you're still stringing him along. Unless you come on here that tell us he's moved out and out of your life?

[sunrays012]

Okay, so he wasn't boyfriend of the year. Find me one that is. They don't exist.

 

You still did him wrong and you're still stringing him along. Unless you come on here that tell us he's moved out and out of your life?

 

He is- half his stuff is packed up. Chances are he's leaving at the end of the month.

 

Yes chi nobody is perfect and we have hurt each other enough both of us could have done things differently. I told him that on friday.

 

It's not easy saying goodbye to someone you have been with for 5.5 years even though the love is gone. But he is leaving.

Edited July 22, 2013 by sunrays012

[Chi townD]

He is- half his stuff is packed up. Chances are he's leaving at the end of the month.

 

Yes chi nobody is perfect and we have hurt each other enough both of us could have done things differently. I told him that on friday.

 

It's not easy saying goodbye to someone you have been with for 5.5 years even though the love is gone. But he is leaving.

 

 

Good for you.

 

Now comes the hard part. Letting go. Look, you're moving on to this new dude and everything is smelling like a rose. That's called the honeymoon phase. Here's the rub, that phase wears off. And maybe one day you'll trigger. You'll see something that reminds you of your Ex and you're going to get curious. You'll wonder how he's fairing and if he's okay or even if he still hates you or doesn't think that you're a nice person. You may have a desire to reach out to him to "catch up". DON'T DO IT!! Leave him alone. He's trying to move on with his life just as you are, but he has no one for close personal support like you do.

 

He's going to be on his own. Chances are he might start drinking a lot to "manage his pain". So, be prepared for some drunk dialing and drunken texts. Some of which will seem desperate and some that might be down right mean. And whatever you do, DO NOT LET NEW GUY GET INVOLVED! He's one of the reason's your Ex is in this condition in the first place. You need to handle this. If the texts and the calls get out of hand, change your number. When he moves out, the first thing you need to do when he shuts that door is to block him on Facebook.

 

When he's gone, don't ask about him, don't inquire about him. He's none of your business anymore. He should be dead to you at this point. Ignore any attempt from him to contact you. If he shows up at your place either drunk or sober, tell him to leave or you're going to call the cops. Don't make that an idol threat.

 

If you think doing this is "mean spirited" because he really is a nice guy deep down. Well, if you care about him at all, you'll do this. You'll be doing him a favor. Believe it or not, you're going to help him move on.

 

If you're afraid that he IS going to hate you or not think you're a good person; well, as I said before, that's the price you pay. But, over time, he may be able to forgive you as a person, and then become indifferent towards you. Indifferent seems like a nasty word. But, when you think logically about it. Indifference is not giving a rats ass if he ever hears from you again or not. But, the one thing you take from it, is that in indifference there is no pain. And isn't that the goal?

Edited July 22, 2013 by Chi townD

[sunrays012]

Okay, so he wasn't boyfriend of the year. Find me one that is. They don't exist.

 

You still did him wrong and you're still stringing him along. Unless you come on here that tell us he's moved out and out of your life?

 

Good for you.

 

Now comes the hard part. Letting go. Look, you're moving on to this new dude and everything is smelling like a rose. That's called the honeymoon phase. Here's the rub, that phase wears off. And maybe one day you'll trigger. You'll see something that reminds you of your Ex and you're going to get curious. You'll wonder how he's fairing and if he's okay or even if he still hates you or doesn't think that you're a nice person. You may have a desire to reach out to him to "catch up". DON'T DO IT!! Leave him alone. He's trying to move on with his life just as you are, but he has no one for close personal support like you do.

 

He's going to be on his own. Chances are he might start drinking a lot to "manage his pain". So, be prepared for some drunk dialing and drunken texts. Some of which will seem desperate and some that might be down right mean. And whatever you do, DO NOT LET NEW GUY GET INVOLVED! He's one of the reason's your Ex is in this condition in the first place. You need to handle this. If the texts and the calls get out of hand, change your number. When he moves out, the first thing you need to do when he shuts that door is to block him on Facebook.

 

When he's gone, don't ask about him, don't inquire about him. He's none of your business anymore. He should be dead to you at this point. Ignore any attempt from him to contact you. If he shows up at your place either drunk or sober, tell him to leave or you're going to call the cops. Don't make that an idol threat.

 

If you think doing this is "mean spirited" because he really is a nice guy deep down. Well, if you care about him at all, you'll do this. You'll be doing him a favor. Believe it or not, you're going to help him move on.

 

If you're afraid that he IS going to hate you or not think you're a good person; well, as I said before, that's the price you pay. But, over time, he may be able to forgive you as a person, and then become indifferent towards you. Indifferent seems like a nasty word. But, when you think logically about it. Indifference is not giving a rats ass if he ever hears from you again or not. But, the one thing you take from it, is that in indifference there is no pain. And isn't that the goal?

 

 

Truth be told I know him all too well. chances are he will be sleeping with someone else within a month. When we were engaged and we would fight he made that all to clear by telling me he would take my engagement ring and give it to someone else.

Yes true it is non of my buisiness and it is his right to do what ever he wants at this point and I have told him that.

As far as the new man my eyes are wide open I know that our relationship won't be perfect but we love each other and have talked to death about how we don't want it to ever get to the point where either of us is cheating. Clean slate. That neither one of us wants to go through something like this again. it's too messy and painful.

[sunrays012]

Okay, so he wasn't boyfriend of the year. Find me one that is. They don't exist.

 

You still did him wrong and you're still stringing him along. Unless you come on here that tell us he's moved out and out of your life?

 

Good for you.

 

Now comes the hard part. Letting go. Look, you're moving on to this new dude and everything is smelling like a rose. That's called the honeymoon phase. Here's the rub, that phase wears off. And maybe one day you'll trigger. You'll see something that reminds you of your Ex and you're going to get curious. You'll wonder how he's fairing and if he's okay or even if he still hates you or doesn't think that you're a nice person. You may have a desire to reach out to him to "catch up". DON'T DO IT!! Leave him alone. He's trying to move on with his life just as you are, but he has no one for close personal support like you do.

 

He's going to be on his own. Chances are he might start drinking a lot to "manage his pain". So, be prepared for some drunk dialing and drunken texts. Some of which will seem desperate and some that might be down right mean. And whatever you do, DO NOT LET NEW GUY GET INVOLVED! He's one of the reason's your Ex is in this condition in the first place. You need to handle this. If the texts and the calls get out of hand, change your number. When he moves out, the first thing you need to do when he shuts that door is to block him on Facebook.

 

When he's gone, don't ask about him, don't inquire about him. He's none of your business anymore. He should be dead to you at this point. Ignore any attempt from him to contact you. If he shows up at your place either drunk or sober, tell him to leave or you're going to call the cops. Don't make that an idol threat.

 

If you think doing this is "mean spirited" because he really is a nice guy deep down. Well, if you care about him at all, you'll do this. You'll be doing him a favor. Believe it or not, you're going to help him move on.

 

If you're afraid that he IS going to hate you or not think you're a good person; well, as I said before, that's the price you pay. But, over time, he may be able to forgive you as a person, and then become indifferent towards you. Indifferent seems like a nasty word. But, when you think logically about it. Indifference is not giving a rats ass if he ever hears from you again or not. But, the one thing you take from it, is that in indifference there is no pain. And isn't that the goal?

 

 

Truth be told I know him all too well. chances are he will be sleeping with someone else within a month. When we were engaged and we would fight he made that all to clear by telling me he would take my engagement ring and give it to someone else. I know how he deals with things. He did have a drinking problem before we met and I told him I didn't want to see him go down that road again.

Yes true it is non of my buisiness and it is his right to do what ever he wants at this point and I have told him that.

As far as the new man my eyes are wide open I know that our relationship won't be perfect but we love each other and have talked to death about how we don't want it to ever get to the point where either of us is cheating. Clean slate. That neither one of us wants to go through something like this again. it's too messy and painful.

[sunrays012]

Okay, so he wasn't boyfriend of the year. Find me one that is. They don't exist.

 

You still did him wrong and you're still stringing him along. Unless you come on here that tell us he's moved out and out of your life?

 

Good for you.

 

Now comes the hard part. Letting go. Look, you're moving on to this new dude and everything is smelling like a rose. That's called the honeymoon phase. Here's the rub, that phase wears off. And maybe one day you'll trigger. You'll see something that reminds you of your Ex and you're going to get curious. You'll wonder how he's fairing and if he's okay or even if he still hates you or doesn't think that you're a nice person. You may have a desire to reach out to him to "catch up". DON'T DO IT!! Leave him alone. He's trying to move on with his life just as you are, but he has no one for close personal support like you do.

 

He's going to be on his own. Chances are he might start drinking a lot to "manage his pain". So, be prepared for some drunk dialing and drunken texts. Some of which will seem desperate and some that might be down right mean. And whatever you do, DO NOT LET NEW GUY GET INVOLVED! He's one of the reason's your Ex is in this condition in the first place. You need to handle this. If the texts and the calls get out of hand, change your number. When he moves out, the first thing you need to do when he shuts that door is to block him on Facebook.

 

When he's gone, don't ask about him, don't inquire about him. He's none of your business anymore. He should be dead to you at this point. Ignore any attempt from him to contact you. If he shows up at your place either drunk or sober, tell him to leave or you're going to call the cops. Don't make that an idol threat.

 

If you think doing this is "mean spirited" because he really is a nice guy deep down. Well, if you care about him at all, you'll do this. You'll be doing him a favor. Believe it or not, you're going to help him move on.

 

If you're afraid that he IS going to hate you or not think you're a good person; well, as I said before, that's the price you pay. But, over time, he may be able to forgive you as a person, and then become indifferent towards you. Indifferent seems like a nasty word. But, when you think logically about it. Indifference is not giving a rats ass if he ever hears from you again or not. But, the one thing you take from it, is that in indifference there is no pain. And isn't that the goal?

 

 

Truth be told I know him all too well. chances are he will be sleeping with someone else within a month. When we were engaged and we would fight he made that all to clear by telling me he would take my engagement ring and give it to someone else.

 

Yes true it is non of my buisiness and it is his right to do what ever he wants at this point and I have told him that. I know how he deals with things. He did have a drinking and drug problem before we met and I told him I didn't want to see him go down that road again. He has a job he can't loose so I don't see him drinking again.

 

As far as the new man my eyes are wide open I know that our relationship won't be perfect but we love each other and have talked to death about how we don't want it to ever get to the point where either of us is cheating. Clean slate. That neither one of us wants to go through something like this again. it's too messy and painful.

[Chi townD]

Truth be told I know him all too well. chances are he will be sleeping with someone else within a month. When we were engaged and we would fight he made that all to clear by telling me he would take my engagement ring and give it to someone else.

 

Yes true it is non of my buisiness and it is his right to do what ever he wants at this point and I have told him that. I know how he deals with things. He did have a drinking and drug problem before we met and I told him I didn't want to see him go down that road again. He has a job he can't loose so I don't see him drinking again.

 

As far as the new man my eyes are wide open I know that our relationship won't be perfect but we love each other and have talked to death about how we don't want it to ever get to the point where either of us is cheating. Clean slate. That neither one of us wants to go through something like this again. it's too messy and painful.

 

 

Hey, this is new territory for both of you. You've never been in a situation like this. So, honesty, you don't know how he'll react!

 

Guy's can talk a lot a crap and tell there friends that they're going to the club tonight and hook up with a girl only for their night ending with them going through the McDonalds drive thru alone before going home.

 

All I'm saying is this is an entirely new situation and you can't predict how he's going to take it. He may think, he lost you, so he's got nothing else to lose. Again, you don't know what will happen, I just gave you some idea's on what MIGHT happen.

Edited July 22, 2013 by Chi townD