bytor Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 hi everyone, this post was a great help to me several months ago when my wife of 17 years and i had a little problem with text message flirting on her end. needless to say, she has found other ways to flirt/act single. she was working at home for several weeks and had set up her e mail at work to be forwarded here at home. she has since gone back to work, but the link for her e mail was still on my desktop. i got curious one day (and i'm not sure if it was right for me to do this) and opened her e mail.There was a message from a guy about her skipping her workout one night and visiting him.she responded by saying she could'nt skip her workout. the red flags went up naturally, but i played it cool unlike last time and never left on i knew. after 4-5 e mails she finally told him that she was sorry for teasing him at the nighclub and she would maybe see him there again and they could get together.she has been going out to a nughtclub with 2 of her girlfriends that are 20'ish, single and love to flirt.we agreed that talking/dancing at the club was ok, but no contact whatsoever outside the whole "look at me" clu scene. now she has a shopping trip on the calender for this friday with theses same girls. of course i have been doubting that "shopping" was what they had in mind. so i just saw another e mail about her friends have a cute friend (male) that they want her to meet. she has been really good at hiding all of this activity from me, even when i asked her repeatedly if something was bothering her that she wanted to talk about.It scares me to think that she could hide so much from me after all of these years. We have 2 boys 12 and 9 and we go out occasionally, and still enjoy each others company (or i thought we did). I have been supportive to everything she has ever wanted to do and she has been there for me as well. I just dont know where to go from here!. i played the fool last time by allowing her to continue to go out with her friends even though i knew they were a bad influence. I want things to be they were before they came into the picture, but I know I will have to force her to abandon them as friends to do so. I cannot continue checking e mails and playing the fool, i wont live like this. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Forward her emails to YOUR personal email account. Keep copies, and make sure that she can't get into your account and delete them. Then, you should sit down and confront her about this. Try not to make it a battle, but it sounds like you've already explained to her how you feel about this behavior. Make sure she understands how you feel and what your concerns are. Let her know that if she loves you, she won't continue this type of activity. Its disrespectful to your marriage, hurtful to you, and could put her into a situation where she WILL go too far. Plan out in your mind what you want to do. Think about the possible responses you'll get, and what actions this may lead to. I've learned that in a lot of cases like this, she'll deny it all the way to the point where you've got PROOF (your emails). Get a keylogger program installed on your computer at home. Good luck friend. Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Everything Owl said....... trust your gut, and be sure when you speak with her that she understands just how serious you are about this issue, and that she could be throwing away everything. I wish you all the luck, please keep us posted. -Dazed Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Sounds like female mid-life crisis to me. Is she around 35-ish? She'll need to understand that you 'ain't her daddy', nor are you willing to be. Women around that age really can go about half mad while feeling like their youth is slipping away. I'd recommend you be cognizant of that if she indeed fits-the-profile. About the worst thing you can do is to come off as someone who is controlling and overbearing. But you also have to make certain that she knows what the consequences will be if she makes poor choices with her 20-yr-old friends. It's a very fine balancing act, and from what you've already written, I'm not sure she hasn't 'gone there' already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bytor Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 yes she is 36 and i have kept the mid life crisis issue in the back of my mind while talking to her and treading lightly along with not restricting her life. do i layout the emails in front of her and tell her to find new friends? i think it would backfire and she would run from me and become even more withdrawn. I think I need to find a way to let her know inderectly that I know, and give her the time to really THINK about how she has been acting and the consequences if it continues. What do you all think? this mess is really affecting me emotionally and I apprecaite everyones input! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I don't know, Bytor, but I think if it were me, I'd come clean and tell her I read her e-mails. It's going to just eat at you wondering what's going on all the time. And if everything goes to pot later, at least you'll know you tried to avert it. I don't recommend being at all threatening in your confrontation with her, or even bossy. Rather, I think you might consider apologizing for letting your curiosity get the better of you. (Who knows? She may have a plausible explanation.) Then you might go on to outline for her, again in a non-threatening manner, the possible consequences of letting this get out of hand. You could suggest counseling. You could reassure her that she's still fresh and sexy at 36, and be there to help her transition through the mid-30's crisis. There's alot of possibility. Or you could sit and stew, and possibly be a bystander while she screws up. I have to warn you though that alot of women her age are really non-tolerant of being controlled. I remember when I hit that age and there are several things going on. You really start to feel your age at 35, and to understand that your girlhood is truly behind you forever. You've arrived at the destination --adulthood, and you look around and wonder, 'is this all there is?' I think in the back of my mind, I believed I would reach a stage in my life where I finally had at least most of the answers, and suffered the disillusionment of realizing that it just never was going to happen that way. I'd always be just groping my way through life, hoping for the best, catering to my responsibilities. And you know, when you reach 35 and still haven't accomplished any of the goals or dreams that you believed you would, you can hear the clock ticking. Youth slipping away, a growing awareness of how fast the years go by. 40 right around the corner. Anyway, I hope I haven't confused you more. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 I don't know, Bytor, but I think if it were me, I'd come clean and tell her I read her e-mails. It's going to just eat at you wondering what's going on all the time. And if everything goes to pot later, at least you'll know you tried to avert it. I don't recommend being at all threatening in your confrontation with her, or even bossy. Rather, I think you might consider apologizing for letting your curiosity get the better of you. (Who knows? She may have a plausible explanation.) Then you might go on to outline for her, again in a non-threatening manner, the possible consequences of letting this get out of hand. You could suggest counseling. You could reassure her that she's still fresh and sexy at 36, and be there to help her transition through the mid-30's crisis. There's alot of possibility. Or you could sit and stew, and possibly be a bystander while she screws up. I have to warn you though that alot of women her age are really non-tolerant of being controlled. I remember when I hit that age and there are several things going on. You really start to feel your age at 35, and to understand that your girlhood is truly behind you forever. You've arrived at the destination --adulthood, and you look around and wonder, 'is this all there is?' I think in the back of my mind, I believed I would reach a stage in my life where I finally had at least most of the answers, and suffered the disillusionment of realizing that it just never was going to happen that way. I'd always be just groping my way through life, hoping for the best, catering to my responsibilities. And you know, when you reach 35 and still haven't accomplished any of the goals or dreams that you believed you would, you can hear the clock ticking. Youth slipping away, a growing awareness of how fast the years go by. 40 right around the corner. Anyway, I hope I haven't confused you more. thats exactly what my wife (34) went thru.....those exact issues and feelings.....damm LJ, you sure got a way of explaining things....everything you said here and on the Sex Ambivolance thread, is exactly what I think, but cant put it into words...thank you ...it helps me. Unfortunatley, but kinda bittersweet situ I was in. Bitter becasue my wife made a bad decision and did the the wrong thing while she was out with the girls. BUT sweet becasue it made her realize that the path she was on, was not the right one. We are making it rigth know. It needed to happen for our marriage to get better..... So bytor, I know exactly what your going thru. My wife did the same, albiet with friends her own age. BUT all these friends, were married and going thru exactly what LJ described.......mid 30's and wanting to be 23 again.....wanting to flirt and play.....be in control...there marriages, like ours hit a wall. I did the same as you...I just sat back and kept it all in....didnt want to come across as being controllng....so i just let her do what ever she wanted....and the pain I kept inside ate me up. It was a viciouse cycle. Now that we are in counseling....I have found out that during her "time" she felt I didnt care about her or what she did becasue I didnt SAY anything...I didnt question her, I just let her do waht ever she wanted, I didnt express my feelings.....I did this becasue I didnt want to be viewed as controlling her. And in turn, she took this non-invention on my part as a sign of me not caring about her....so she just kept doing her thing....and it just snow balled...before it finally hit the wall and she came clean with herself and with me. SO, if I were you, knowing what I know now.....I would confront her, but in a clam manner as LJ suggested. What you need to do is explain your FEELINGS to her. NOT WHAT YOU THINK. There is a BIG difference. Use feeling words and stay away from saying "you this", "you that". The cycle wont end until someone makes a move. BUT I can say that if you dont do somehting soon....IMHO, someday she may go to far...... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I've got to say that the same kind of thing happened in my situation as well...I knew that the wife was unhappy, but couldn't get her to talk to me about it. I absolutely felt like her friendship with the OM was too much...but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be an overbearing jerk...so I let it ride. She took my silence as non-caring...and proceeded to go to far with her relationship with someone she felt DID care. Try to be calm...try to be understanding...show her the PROOF you've got, or she'll deny everything...and TALK to her, let her KNOW how much you care, how much you love her, and how much you want her to feel happy with your marriage. You have no idea how much I wish I could have done that just a week sooner in my situation....had I done so, you all probably would have never heard from "Owl". Link to post Share on other sites
hulavie Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I faced a similar situation with an ex some years back where I used to filed all his bills and never read them, had his account passwords but never bother to look through his personal stuff... till one day I heard a rumour which I brushed off due to my "trust" in him. Read his signals, kept quiet, decided to do some probing, kept all the proof, decided on what to say, and confronted him a few weeks later. The result was that.... WITH THE PROOF.... he had to admit to having intimate relations with another woman and he not only admitted to what I asked but told the whole story of whatever else has been going on behind my back. In the end, I decided to say goodbye. Anyway, the point is, I have to agree with the others about keeping the proof, while it's there. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I think saying that she is 35 and going through a mid life crisis is a lame excuse. It doesn't give her the right to disrespect her marraige. What would she do if you were flirting with girls and clubbing ect.. Just confront her remind her you had already expressed your feelings on this matter. To continue would be incosiderate and disrespectful. TEll her you want her to have fun and don't want to control her but the flirting is hurtful to you and your marriage and she need to stop. Insist on counseling Link to post Share on other sites
Sukotto Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me... I would come clean and tell her what you done and see what her reaction is. Married couples shouldn't have anything to hide from each other, so dont let her change the subject if you confront her about the emails. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Someone that trusts and loves someone is NEVER a fool! Hotgurl, I don't know if you are in your middle 30's or not, if not, that may be why you don't understand LadyJane's statement. She wasn't saying mid-life crisis is an excuse but it can be a cause or symptom. I don't think a married mother of 2 children should go out dancing and flirting at clubs. That is just asking for trouble and it can't be good for any relationship. Going out to the mall or on a vacation "with the girls" is what most married women do. If she wants to live and act single, then she shouldn't be married. Maybe one time just to get it out of her system but your staying home while she goes out is just asking for trouble!! She is acting single so she is doing what singles do, flirt and date. With your evidence, you would probably need to just tell her that you aren't going to stay home while she clubs. She can choose to either be married, date and flirt with you or consider y'all divorcing (which would end alot of her clubbing because when it's time for her to have the kids, she's stuck plus she'll have to maintain a living and household). You aren't a fool, you are a good man BUT you are an enabler by giving her a way to have her cake and eat it too! Hang in there, just stop settling for this in your marriage. You deserve alot more and so do your kids!! (by the way LadyJane, those feelings you described. Been there just wish I'd handled it differently ) Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I'm sorry but I think it's really crappy of her to be going out and leaving you at home with the kids just to flirt and talk about "seeing" someone else! I would do what "Owl" mentioned and confront her, I think it's very disrespectful to you, your children, and your marriage for her to be doing this! (especially after so many years together). Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee I don't think a married mother of 2 children should go out dancing and flirting at clubs. but why do they then?....why do some rationalize enough to think its OK, becasue they are not kissing or sleeping with anyone?...the "I'm just being friendly" rationale Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee You aren't a fool, you are a good man BUT you are an enabler by giving her a way to have her cake and eat it too! Viv is right here. I did the same thing in my situ.....and my wife just kept going out and going out....and the more she did, the more she didnt care.... get invloved NOW.... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 So what have you decided to do, friend? Haven't seen a post back, so I've been curious if you've spoken with her, or have decided to put it off? Regardless, I hope that it all works out for the good! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bytor Posted November 3, 2004 Author Share Posted November 3, 2004 hi everyone, thank you all again for your input. I have continued to monitor the emails between my wife and her friend and with a great sigh of releif.I can say that she wrote him to say that she apologized for being a flirt with him and that she was'nt interested in a relationship. She did continue to send him e mails asking things like favorite music, hobbies etc.... I feel like she just wanted someone new to talk to this guys timing was perfect. I still have not told her about the e mails, but in turn have taken along look at myself and what she told me about not being myself and moody. I knew she was dealing with alot of stress caused by me in some ways,but I took it for granted that she just left it go in one ear and out the other. Since this whole thing was discovered I have discovered that she needs me, not just to be a good provider, but she needed me as the man she once knew. I have seen a definite improvement in our marraige and I will continue to do whatever it takes to make sure she does'nt have a reason to go to another man for companionship. I am glad I didnt confront her right away and followed my heart because I think it would have turned out alot differently in a bad way. I have told her that I was working on getting us a sitter for our boys so her and I can go out as well and she seemed excited about it. As far as her friends go I am still not 100% comfortable with that. But i also know that she is a grown woman who ultimatly makes those choices for herself. I am slowly eliminating all of the reasons for her to make a bad choice. I love her so much and I feel she still has that love for me and the boys. God has taught me patience and Love in this and I will continue down that path until he tells my heart otherwise. thanks again everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 I will continue to do whatever it takes to make sure she does'nt have a reason to go to another man for companionship Wow...that's beautiful. And rare. I wish other men (husbands) could think the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Good decision Bytor!! I would recommend keeping an eye on things in case they take a change for the worst, but absolutely doing your best by her is the BEST thing you can do to rebuild your relationship...regardless of confronting her with the emails. I would suggest that you continue what you're doing, but also be aware that she has been in a position where she may cross that line...so also do what you can to keep her out of those positions. Good luck to you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
InThisSkinAgain Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 I did the same thing your wife is doing. I am only 29, but the only reason I learned my lesson was that my husband was ready to throw me out on my ass and my errors were the subtext of every argument for the next two years. I do NOT want to do it again. You have to make clear, with 100% understanding that you WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS, none of the foolishness, the flirting, and then let her know it's up to her. Be prepared to back it up. And if she wants to be this single woman, then she needs to go be that person. Let her self-destruct on her time. Link to post Share on other sites
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