Spiraling Out of Control

[amkxoxo]

I feel like my life is so out of control and I can't hack it. Like I really don't know what to do. It all started with a guy I had been seeing, he isn't ready for a relationship and wants to get his life together, so we kinda called it quits. We both really like each other but its not a good time for him. It sent me into an emotional roller coaster and I was super depressed. It made me feel worthless and have low self esteem. I thought I was getting better and stronger as the days went on. I am less reliant on him and occasionally try and talk to him to keep him in my life. If he doesn't answer me I don't freak out and get all sad anymore. I miss him so so so much. I love him.

 

I just feel like anything that could go wrong has been going wrong. My work asked for volunteers to go and work for multiple days at a different location. I thought it would be fun and get my mind off of my break up and since I was doing better it would be something new in my life. Well my co worker and I had a horrible time and left early, which made our work a little mad. The environment wasn't good and we were uncomfortable. When my co worker and I went back home we went straight to our store manager and told her the problems that occurred, she took them all into consideration, but at the end of the day she tried to justify all the problems and almost make it seem like we didn't do enough to prevent them. It was a bad situation from the moment we arrived at that business trip. I ended up leaving in tears.

 

I'm 21, and living with my parents during the summer when college isn't in session. I feel like I don't have freedom, like I miss my college life. My parents have made me quite reliant on them, and I've tried to break away and its never enough.

 

Like I had given some money to my brother years back to buy a car that he wanted, My parents always said they would pay me back in the form of a car. Well they bought me one for around the same price as they owed me and my dad fixed it up. I have the title to the car and own it. I pay the insurance and the gas, so its my car. They kind of hold it over my head a bit, like I was lucky they got it for me. I feel like I'm the one paying for it and its mine so no. They always feel entitled to just take it and use it sometimes without asking, and they tell me that I don't share and need to learn to share. I'm not allowed to drive the car y brother bought. I just think its only fair for them to just ask.

 

I feel like I have created such a good independent life for myself and when I'm home its gone. Like I have my good set of friends, I wake up and do what I want to do. I feel like they are always on my case about something here. I feel like its not my house, I'm just staying at my parents house.

 

Like I was mad because I had accidentally left my cell phone charger plugged into the wall in my dorm at the end of the year. My roommate said that she grabbed it and took it home and kept trying to give it to me. Well she has since lost it and it irritates me because I would have taken care of something of hers. She gave me an old one of hers as collateral because I think she knew she lost mine, but it lasted like 5 days and it suddenly doesn't work anymore. I'm frustrated because now I'm our a charger. My parents are like " well that's life and its your fault for leaving it there, you lost it," But the way I see it is It wasn't lost my roommate texted me that day when she had it, and she lost it. Now I have to go buy one and money is so tight for me.

 

I love them so much, but I am so emotional about all of this and they act like I'm overreacting. Like I am a sensitive girl, but I feel like they aren't on my side sometimes, and with all the other emotional stuff I have been dealing with I almost need to be babied emotionally by them. I feel like I can't handle a lot emotionally because of everything that has been happening this summer. I'm so upset with my life. I'm trying so hard to do good for myself and its like its not good enough. I am praying to god to help me be okay.