thecharade Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Lots of therapy. NC. Marriage counseling. Book reading. Journaling. Soul searching. So, what now? I still miss him so much. Him, not the attention or the sex. I actually hated having an A and how it stole my energy and time and focus. Yuck. Hated it. But I still miss HIM a full year later. Why???? When will the pain end? Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 It is working. Keep moving forward, stay the course. Keep loving yourself. Keep seeking answers, keep asking questions, keep up the great work!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecharade Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thanks, jphcbpa-- But how do you know? Did you go through something similar? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Lots of therapy. NC. Marriage counseling. Book reading. Journaling. Soul searching. So, what now? I still miss him so much. Him, not the attention or the sex. I actually hated having an A and how it stole my energy and time and focus. Yuck. Hated it. But I still miss HIM a full year later. Why???? When will the pain end? (((((TC))))) You are mourning the loss. It is like any other loss and is a process that you just have to go through unfortunately. He mattered a great deal to you and so you are feeling the hole in your being greatly. It's about riding the waves as they come. What are you doing to focus on new enrichment in your life? Are you finding new interests, hobbies, friends? A piece of you may always miss him. That is okay. You have to know that while the relationship may be dead and buried the memory lives on. That is okay. Just try and focus on today and not spending as much time looking back. But be patient with yourself. (((((TC))))) Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thanks, jphcbpa-- But how do you know? Did you go through something similar? Yes an A with a MW, at the time I was a MM. Since divorced and in an amazing R with a great woman. I still do therapy, 4 to 5 meetings per week (slaa and alanon), lunches and dinners with trusted men, writing, reading, sharing ect. The work never ends. This is a journey and it could take years. When I am "missing" I know that something is missing in me. I work to self love, self validate, fill that hole with from the inside. Ask yourself what you are missing? This does not have anything to do with him, keep the focus on you. He is helping bring these feelings out in you. Think of this as a blessing and be thankful for what you have learned, what you will learn and how far you have come Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecharade Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thank you so much, Got It. I cried when I read your post. It is 12 months since our last intimate contact, and I have worked so, so, so hard. I own it all, the selfishness and everything. But it still hurts so much. I thought I could use anger and hate to get him out of my heart, but no. Thanks for the encouragement. I REALLY appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thank you so much, Got It. I cried when I read your post. It is 12 months since our last intimate contact, and I have worked so, so, so hard. I own it all, the selfishness and everything. But it still hurts so much. I thought I could use anger and hate to get him out of my heart, but no. Thanks for the encouragement. I REALLY appreciate it. Focusing on the anger will only keep you there. Listen, everyone mourns differently and everyone mourns different endings differently. For some, finding peace with it, still caring for the person, does not mean they don't move on. Some people just carry that piece in their heart but they reinvest in the Today and tomorrow. It is like a death. You are mourning the death of the friendship, the partnership, the relationship, your dreams. Honey that is a lot to mourn. Don't beat yourself up because you are checking of whatever box when you think you should. Try and focus on what is happening for you today. What can you do to learn more about TheCharade, what can you do to nurture her? There is a book called "The Present" by Spencer Johnson. A very easy read but it may hit home some for you. I personally don't like walking away from a relationship only seeing the bad. I can accept the ending but know that there were many good things and great things I learned about myself, about others, about Life that were valuable lessons. And I am appreciative and happy about those lessons. Try and focus on today. Try and limit your time to think about him by setting aside a certain amount of time every day that will be your designated time. Allow yourself freely to think through those feelings and thoughts during that time, but when the time is up (and an egg time is great for this) you have to make yourself go do something and focus on something else. If stray thoughts come up, a literal rubber band popping on the wrist to snap yourself into focus and concentrate on what is happening at that moment. Reconnecting yourself back to the Present. I am sorry for your pain and sorry for struggles. Has your therapist talk/looked into depression and AD? You might be stuck right now where ADs can help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecharade Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 Jphcbpa, I KNOW, for a fact, that what you are saying is true. The hole is in me. I can fill it on my own. Thank you very much for validating what I know is the right path. Happiness is fully within me. But, what happened with you? You were M? Now D? But not with OW? I am so sorry for what I know must have been a painful journey. I hope you are enjoying happier and lighter times. My H is truly a great guy, but so was my MM. (I have great taste.) I just need to calm my emotions and accept what life has dealt me. Peace and hugs to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecharade Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 Got It, My A lasted 3 years and I needed ADs to survive. I actually feel very present in my pain by not taking ADs. I want to grieve and move on. It's just not happening that neatly. I LOVE your idea of giving my MM a few minutes a day. It wasn't all bad, not by a long shot. He deserves it. He was my first love and our relationship lasted many years. It will be nice to 'give him' some minutes a day. Peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Jphcbpa, I KNOW, for a fact, that what you are saying is true. The hole is in me. I can fill it on my own. Thank you very much for validating what I know is the right path. Happiness is fully within me. But, what happened with you? You were M? Now D? But not with OW? I am so sorry for what I know must have been a painful journey. I hope you are enjoying happier and lighter times. My H is truly a great guy, but so was my MM. (I have great taste.) I just need to calm my emotions and accept what life has dealt me. Peace and hugs to you. Correct, was M, now D and NC with xMW. It was painful but worth every tear and emotion. Feel your feelings, welcome them. The great news is you get a whole new life. A meditation book that I read daily is "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Also make a gratitude list in your journal. Keep adding to it as time goes by. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecharade Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 I love Melody Beattie! She taught me to be "Codependent No More." I will read it. One concern: what if the problem is my M? Maybe it is no good for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Lots of therapy. NC. Marriage counseling. Book reading. Journaling. Soul searching. So, what now? I still miss him so much. Him, not the attention or the sex. I actually hated having an A and how it stole my energy and time and focus. Yuck. Hated it. But I still miss HIM a full year later. Why???? When will the pain end? Are you feeling empty in your marriage? You mention marriage counseling...what specifically do you miss about your exMM? Can you really thing about that? Sometimes you can isolate the things that you really miss and fulfill them yourself or through your marriage. If not, maybe you are lonely IN your marriage and it is time to think about that? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Lots of therapy. NC. Marriage counseling. Book reading. Journaling. Soul searching. So, what now? I still miss him so much. Him, not the attention or the sex. I actually hated having an A and how it stole my energy and time and focus. Yuck. Hated it. But I still miss HIM a full year later. Why???? When will the pain end? How much time are you allowing yourself to reminise, fantasize, keep the feelings alive? Are you being pro active in pushing all thoughts out of your head about him? You may always love him but that doesn't mean you need to hold on so close to your heart. Remembering and focusing on him a year later this much could be why you're having trouble detaching the emotions. Just something to think about. Though I DO hope the pain is much less than it used to be. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I love Melody Beattie! She taught me to be "Codependent No More." I will read it. One concern: what if the problem is my M? Maybe it is no good for me. Did your H know of your A? Maybe it's time to take time for you and have a trial separation. Be on your own and see if you feel happier overall. Just make sure this is about you and not about reaching backwards and contacting xOM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I love Melody Beattie! She taught me to be "Codependent No More." I will read it. One concern: what if the problem is my M? Maybe it is no good for me. TC - I didn't realize that you are married. I do agree that with this you really need to focus on today and you need to focus on your marriage. Part of why you may be feeling the pain still is because you are keeping yourself in a limbo land. You need to evaluate your marriage on its on merits and decide if you can commit 100% to it or not. If not you need to divorce. I don't believe it is fair to stay in the marriage for convenience as it isn't fair to your spouse. He deserve to get you at 100% or allowed to be free to seek someone that will give 100%. I think potentially working on being authentic will allow you to try deal with everything and to make the right decisions for yourself. Work on not compartmentalizing parts of yourself and work on being fully authentically you. It is scary, vulnerable, idea but is best for you. In regards to the time to think of the affair, the goal with it is to narrow down the time to wean yourself off of it. Peace Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Honestly, after all mine did...I miss him too. I hate him, and miss him. I miss the relationship we had. The way he could always make me laugh, that I was more comfortable with him than I was with anyone I ever had been. I miss the affair fog I guess. Because I know what he is really like now, and I definitely wouldn't miss someone like that. It is a drug and it takes time to come off of it. The brain needs to be rewired. I chose a 12 step program to get off my Affair drug. I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. That is step 1. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Lots of therapy. NC. Marriage counseling. Book reading. Journaling. Soul searching. So, what now? I still miss him so much. Him, not the attention or the sex. I actually hated having an A and how it stole my energy and time and focus. Yuck. Hated it. But I still miss HIM a full year later. Why???? When will the pain end? When will the pain end? For some who know their ex AP was an a-hole, it ends quickly. For those who were really in love, it may take years. It sounds like you really loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 When will the pain end? For some who know their ex AP was an a-hole, it ends quickly. For those who were really in love, it may take years. It sounds like you really loved him. That is what I'm afraid of. Link to post Share on other sites
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