Female friend of boyfriend

[glue808]

Hello! Sorry this is a little bit long.... I'm feeling insecure about my BF's female friends.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. He's 22 and I'm going to be 24 next month. We are going LD also. I'm about to leave for grad school which will be a 5-6 hour difference between us.

 

BF has a female friend who is I believe not 21 yet. They were friends before I started to date him... since HS.

 

I don't get this whole snapchat thing, but she does/did it with him a lot. I graduated from college last Dec. and he just graduated in May. While I was gone, I noticed he was communicating with her more. Snapchatting and texting and phone calls and Facetiming. (Which I think just make things complicated for me! I really hate technology sometimes.)

 

I went through his phone only once..because I was feeling insecure, and I found a text conversation that they had after they were on the phone with one another after midnight. This was about 3 months ago. She was saying things like "I'm so glad that you are so lucky to find someone like (my name). I love you!" And he was saying he loved her back, called her babe... and more "I love you, you are the greatest!"

 

I confronted him and I questioned what kind of relationship they had and whether or not he thought it was inappropriate. He said they'd been friends a long time and he didn't think about it. Quite frankly, sharing those words with another person at nearly 4 a.m. isn't right by me. He asked me, "So I can't say I love you to my female friends?" He also tried to justify that a lot of guys call girls "babe", but I said I am uncomfortable with it and he said he'd stop (which I really do believe).

 

I've met this girl once; and I thought she was a shallow and judgmental person. I didn't really like her, and I met her before the whole conversation that I mentioned earlier. My first instinct was I didn't like her! She was rather indifferent towards me, really.

 

So fast-forward to this week, my bf posted a pic on facebook of his diploma. She wrote "I am so proud of you <3". Did I mention she was single? Side question: would it really strain anything if I also wrote "I am so proud of you, babe! <3 <3" just to point it out?? Dumb I know, but I'm insecure about this whole thing...

 

My bf has female friends.. but I feel like they are simply too friendly. He spends one on one time with another one also. I never would have done this with someone who had a boyfriend. I never did. I'm just not that way.

 

Do I need to talk to my BF about this again? He tends to get defensive- he'll say "so I'm not supposed to have female friends?" And that's not what I mean at all-- then I just get frustrated. I completely trust him not to do anything ever... I just want my voice heard, understood, and respected. I don't think he understands.

 

Someone lay it out straight for me. What should I do now?

[glue808]

Anyone? I would really appreciate some insight...

[Goldenbrwn]

What does he think about you having male friends? Ever discussed the boundaries on that?

Some people do this stuff and use the friends thing as an excuse to get attention and affection from other people. Then some have actual real friendships which likely are not a threat.

 

If he is just as open and comfortable with you doing the same thing he is then he may genuinely believe nothing is wrong with it and have no intention to abuse these friendships. Most of the time the person doing this turns out to not be okay with the same thing being done to them tho.

[ExpatInItaly]

They are too close for comfort, in my opinion. I'd let your boyfriend know that having a female friend is fine, but there need to be some reasonable boundaries.

Tell him how important this is to you, especially given that you will be leaving soon. Try to reach a compromise, or this will eat you up once you've left.

[glue808]

What does he think about you having male friends? Ever discussed the boundaries on that?

 

Yes, we have talked about that. Turns out simply I can't keep close guy friends because these guy friends end up developing feelings for me (very much the truth). I've learned to maintain a reasonable emotional distance because of what I've learned through my own history. I could not possibly ever maintain a relationship like he does with his female friends (saying I love you... late night talks... being called babe...) No way. It would be absolutely dramatic being in a relationship, and I want that drama behind me. It would cause trouble with my boyfriend if I did (although he says he trusts me, I would never do those things to him). When we first started dating, it bothered him how much guys looked at me. He was insecure about it. Nothing I could do- I wasn't talking to them, I was merely walking to classes. That bothered him- he doesn't like it when I get looked at by so many. I've learned to ignore it for my own sanity.

 

I have gone out to dinner with two guy friends of mine. The first went well because I hadn't seen him in about 2 years. My bf never said anything... however we never discussed how he felt about it. The second time I went out to eat with a guy friend, it was uncomfortable for me. I did not tell my boyfriend because I had already decided I wasn't going to go out to eat like that again. I felt ashamed that I did this even though my BF spends time with his female friends.

 

He told me I would not be able to make new guy friends without having them fall for me and he agreed that'd be drama... so... that's where we are.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think the friendship is not the issue, it's the boundaries that are being crossed.

 

Boundaries can be different based on the relationship, the level of commitment and the parties involved, but assuming I understand you are in a relationship where monogomy has been agreed to?

 

I do think that her attention to him is definitely based on her dependence and affection towards him. She has a prior claim if you will, and she has staked her claim. Right?

 

You have sorta discussed this but not gotten to the root of the issue.

 

You have the expectation in a committed relationship that you provide the primary emotional connection and support to your BF to the exclusion of anyone else. Their relationship is of best friends and so it has become risky to you.

 

His friend appears to be more emotionally connected to him than maybe he realizes?

 

I think, especially if you are going to have a physical separation, you both need to ensure your boundaries are defined and agreed to and solid.

 

I think this kind of conversation needs to happen calmly and not in reaction to an incident.

 

You should tell him that his very close intimate loving relationship with her makes you feel insecure. That you know he doesn't mean anything by it, but that you are not as confident in his friends motives or feelings. That because they are so emotionally connected, you feel that your coming distance will open up opportunities for crossing the line.

 

You can tell him you have the expectation that the relationship you are building will take priority, and that you hope that you can provide ghe outlet for his intimate thoughts and feelings so that you can stay close.

 

Tell him that you don't want to define rules and parameters for him, rather you want him to WANT to make you a priority to the exclusion of other women as a result of a solid strong relationship.

 

Both of you should read "Not just Friends" it is very much describing the perils of friendships on relationships.

 

There is another thread where people talked about close non sexual friendships and the negative impact that has on developing true intimacy. It is a danger.

 

Just my thoughts.

[glue808]

You should tell him that his very close intimate loving relationship with her makes you feel insecure. That you know he doesn't mean anything by it, but that you are not as confident in his friends motives or feelings. That because they are so emotionally connected, you feel that your coming distance will open up opportunities for crossing the line.

 

You can tell him you have the expectation that the relationship you are building will take priority, and that you hope that you can provide ghe outlet for his intimate thoughts and feelings so that you can stay close.

 

Tell him that you don't want to define rules and parameters for him, rather you want him to WANT to make you a priority to the exclusion of other women as a result of a solid strong relationship.

 

Yes, we are in a monogamous relationship. We have been doing distance since December, I visiting him during the school year and him visiting me during the summer. I don't know if this is important, but he's never dated anyone longer than 2 months, and he did not date anyone before me for 3-4 years.

 

You are absolutely correct, all. I think she is more attached than he realizes... all of them as a matter of fact. They write him asking when he is coming home (while he is visiting me!) They really like him... a lot. I don't have any friends in which there is a situation when I need to know when they are returning home. It is unusual to me.

 

I will talk to him next time I see him in two weeks in person. This is probably the last time I see him before I leave. Once I leave for graduate school, I'll practically never see him due to the distance.

 

I feel that this discussion isn't going to go as calmly as what I wish it would. This is why: I got on twitter about two months ago (again, online issues make everything more complicated!), and he tweets he was hanging out with his three girl friends at a bar. I texted him the next day, not confrontational, if he had hung out with three girls at a bar. He said yes, and I said that it made me uncomfortable he was doing that. He said sorry and didn't mean to make me feel that way, but went on to give more information that he really wasn't with just girls, but with two of the girls' boyfriends who came and left. He then asked me again why I was uncomfortable and began getting defensive.

 

I asked him why did he apologize first and THEN tell me more information which changes the situation. I told him that I felt by his choice of actions created unnecessary drama (and inevitably got me worked up!) I asked, "Why didn't you tell me there were other people other than just women?" His response: "You didn't ask." Therefore, making it my responsibility. Nothing was solved during this because we both were angry.

 

I don't want our long-distance to become me having to ask him what he's up to. It makes me feel like I'm his mother checking in on him.

[glue808]

I don't know why it gets me so worked up, but the stupid comment on my boyfriends' diploma really makes me feel terrible. "I'm so proud of you <3", she writes. My boyfriend "likes" it and another one of his girl friend's "likes" it too.

 

It makes me feel sad. Is it me? Why do I feel so unhappy about it? He even made a point of saying "My parents would say something if they thought I was crossing the line." Nothing about what I think...

 

Another time I'm remembering she left a message on his "wall" after the whole incident I mentioned earlier. She continued to say that she loved him and he's "the greatest man I ever met."

 

It's hard not to have a specific reason to spark a conversation about recent events with him. It's probably better to wait two weeks.

Edited July 20, 2013 by glue808

[LovelyScars]

My boyfriend is the same way, after my LD relationship I wasn't all that into new technology. But my boyfriend had many friends that were girls who would (text, fb, snap chat, kik, etc) with him, he lets me see his phone but I didn't really like it since most of the girls whenever they saw him ran to him and gave him the tightest hugs ever and touched his face, etc.

He was unaware of how it made me feel since to him he saw them as "sisters" nothing more.

Maybe your boyfriend also views them as sisters, even friendzoned them.

[glue808]

He was unaware of how it made me feel since to him he saw them as "sisters" nothing more.

Maybe your boyfriend also views them as sisters, even friendzoned them.

 

My bf also seems unaware and doesn't see anything wrong. In a lot of ways, I think he enjoys the attention because I'm not there giving to him- this all began once I graduated and he lived on his own. In reverse, I'm not getting male attention and would only prefer this attention from my boyfriend. I don't *need* other men to tell me they love me in a platonic way or to call me at night (yea right, platonic!)

 

More recently, he seems to get more defensive about his actions rather than caring that I feel insecure about something. When I told him that he gets mad when I tell him insecure, he said he was sorry, and it hasn't happened since... but for all I know it might happen again.

 

It very much worries me since I will be leaving and will only see him 4 times between now and next May or longer.

[Adele0908]

I think if you want the relationship to work, you're gonna have to trust him.

 

The lack of trust and insecurity will destroy whatever you have left with him. Getting in is face about the female friend will only backfire, and make her look more attractive and fun than you are.

 

You can't get rid of the female friend by asking him to stop talking to her. If you really wanna get rid of her, try some reverse Psychology.

 

Act completely unfazed by her. Act as if she is a non-factor. Compliment her pictures and mention how sweet she is when he is around. When he discusses her, ask him why he didn't hook up with her. When he tells you the reason, give him a suggestion to get around that reason. Like if he says, "I can't date her because I dated one of her family members", say "So what? They'll understand!"

 

You eliminate her as competition by NOT competing with her. But if you go on about how inappropriate their relationship is, and act threatened by her, you're just making her look more attractive to him.

[glue808]

It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I feel insecure about these boundaries that he shares with other women. I wasn't going to ask him to stop talking to her-- that's not it at all-- that is an immature response to give him, and I would never ask him to do that. It's not my place. As I said earlier, I trust him completely. It's these boundaries that I feel are being crossed. I am not trying to get rid of this person- just to be perfectly clear. That is an extreme.

 

I never see her in person, as I said earlier, I've met her once. My bf and I do not live in the same area. We are 2 hours apart right now and will be 5-6 difference come 4 weeks for the next 2 years.

 

Additionally, I feel no need to compete with her. I feel that my boyfriend should be able to set boundaries. She is of no significance to me... it's my boyfriend who is important and our relationship that is important.

[melodymatters]

This is a common story. Guys tend to be clueless, but we women seem to have a six sense about this kind of stuff. You don't even NEED a sixth sense with this sort of behavior ! She is totally " claiming" him. Often times these woman don't even want to date your BF, but they don't like being replaced as his #1 girl.

 

There are two types, the type that goes out of her way to make the new GF comfortable, who always mentions your name when talking to your BF, then there are the types that "claim", that get touchy feely, that always talk about old times that you were no part of.

 

You BF Sounds a little immature, and needy of the validation. I'll tell you what, my husbands sister hated me without ever meeting me and tried to ruin our relationship.My H cut off his SISTER because she was disrespectful to his marriage. Your BF should at least be able to apply boundaries with his pal.

 

And why did he post that braggy crap about " hanging out with his three girlfriends" if really it was mixed company ? Sounds like a douchey thing to do, maybe you should look around when you get to grad school....?

[Adele0908]

It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I feel insecure about these boundaries that he shares with other women. I wasn't going to ask him to stop talking to her-- that's not it at all-- that is an immature response to give him, and I would never ask him to do that. It's not my place. As I said earlier, I trust him completely. It's these boundaries that I feel are being crossed. I am not trying to get rid of this person- just to be perfectly clear. That is an extreme.

 

I never see her in person, as I said earlier, I've met her once. My bf and I do not live in the same area. We are 2 hours apart right now and will be 5-6 difference come 4 weeks for the next 2 years.

 

Additionally, I feel no need to compete with her. I feel that my boyfriend should be able to set boundaries. She is of no significance to me... it's my boyfriend who is important and our relationship that is important.

 

Going through his phone shows that you don't trust him. Ok you say it's the girls that you don't trust. Well can you at least trust him to know when to say no? The more you trust him, the more he will set boundaries with the other women without you having to pressure him.

 

Anyway, try it your way. Hope it works out.

[glue808]

This is a common story. Guys tend to be clueless, but we women seem to have a six sense about this kind of stuff. You don't even NEED a sixth sense with this sort of behavior ! She is totally " claiming" him. Often times these woman don't even want to date your BF, but they don't like being replaced as his #1 girl.

 

There are two types, the type that goes out of her way to make the new GF comfortable, who always mentions your name when talking to your BF, then there are the types that "claim", that get touchy feely, that always talk about old times that you were no part of.

 

You BF Sounds a little immature, and needy of the validation. I'll tell you what, my husbands sister hated me without ever meeting me and tried to ruin our relationship.My H cut off his SISTER because she was disrespectful to his marriage. Your BF should at least be able to apply boundaries with his pal.

 

And why did he post that braggy crap about " hanging out with his three girlfriends" if really it was mixed company ? Sounds like a douchey thing to do, maybe you should look around when you get to grad school....?

 

I agree with you. I think he is a little immature also when it comes to this. And yes, you hit the nail on the head, NEEDY. I've been feeling very frustrated-- especially now more than ever for reasons that I mentioned above. He just started therapy last week for his anxiety. His anxiety I feel has gotten worse since we started dating-- in the sense that it now is about a variety of things rather than one thing. Some of the stuff he gets worked up about is straight up dumb to me. I feel like... of all the things... this is what you are needing to have a 20 min talk about? His therapist told him that he tends to get "extreme". Thank you, therapist.

 

I don't know about that braggy crap either! How dumb! And online? I don't understand the need for validation online. I don't need it or want it for myself. I'm cool with just hanging out... and the end. lol.

 

To be completely honest, I feel like my leaving will be an ultimate test for our relationship. Can he handle the long distance? Can I? Will we both feel comfortable and secure? We definitely need to talk before I go!!

 

Good for your H!! He must love you so much to do that for you!

 

Adele0908: I was wrong to go through it, and since I have felt very bad. I plan to never do it again, and it is in the past. Moreover, he admitted to me that he should have been more open with me about her and would not have told me about their conversations/relationship had I not gone through his phone. You are right; I was not trustworthy of him at the time.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Your boyfriend has a few concerning behaviors

Need for female validation

Lack of maturity

Lack of sensivity

Anxiety

 

Combined with a few problematic circumstance

Multiple best girl friends

Girl friends who have no boundaries

Girl friends who are not "friends of the relationship" meaning they do not help your relationship succeed.

Girl friends who want to be in a relationship with him

Distance relationship with you (SO)

Girl friends who have staked a claim on him

 

So, what is different about this situation than the one you both negotiate with you not having male friends?

 

I disagree with the poster that indicated you should ignore. Maybe if you are around each other all the time that strategy would work but I don't believe he is insightful enough to get the message.

 

I believe you are at that point where you need to redefine your boundaries.

 

No wrong or right answer here, whatever you both feel comfortable with.

 

So could be

1. Monogamous distance relationship. No close friendships that are not friends of the relationship. Emotional energy focused on the relationship. Concerns or objections addressed within the context of the relationship.

 

2. Sexually monogamous relationship. Open emotional relationship where each party gets their emotional needs met by whomever is around.

 

3. Open sexual and emotional relationship - where all needs are met by whomever but you retain a periodic as available relationship.

 

You basically are in relationship 1 and he is in relationship 2

 

Does that agreement work for you? It's ok for that to be a yes, or a no. i think you want 1, but this is not the relationship you have right now.

 

The only way to get there, in your sitch, is to have an agreement. You should bring it up when there is no cause, so he is not defensive. You can do it, in person, by Skype or telephone, but not text.

 

The longer you do not clarify the harder it will be to change, and not to be an alarmist, but your boyfriend is a non drinking alcoholic playing with open bottles of booze. He may have ever intention of behaving, but given the right confluence of events he will falter. Frankly while the friend chic IS A DANGER she is not the problem, he is.

 

So what do you do?

 

Ask him hit he is still certain he wants to be with you. Distance is hard, it takes work and compromise, on both sides. Maybe he's not up to it.

 

If he says yes convincingly, then you need to say, right now there are things about the relationship structure that is stressing you out.

 

You have made adjustments for his comfort by limiting contact with single males and avoiding creating new male friends.

 

You have been focusing your emotional intimacy on him and on your relationship. Becoming closer, talking, skipping, texting all are ways you invest.

 

He has not made those same commitments. He is fostering and investing in close intimate friendships with women. Investing energy and emotion in those relationships and getting his needs met by them and not you. This puts distance between you.

 

The distance creates a seed of doubt and insecurity that cannot be addressed by you just trusting him.

 

If he is not prepared to talk like an adult, about it in this way, then I am afraid he has already left.

 

It's a thought.

[glue808]

Thank you so much for your well-thought and in depth answer. I am more appreciative than you know... I don't think I could have gotten this kind of response anywhere else. I appreciate how you laid it out for me. Thank you so much.

 

I think I'm going to ride my emotion at the moment and address it with him at a later time. I may do it in person; that's the plan as of now. I'll return here and update.

 

It's so strange... when it came to my old friends, he was so insightful, but when it is his friends... he really lacks in the insight department.

 

He certainly has not made those same commitments. Even on terms of communication right now, I am the one who communicates most. If I don't ask, I won't hear a word. I have learned that communication is of immense importance. He said he doesn't feel the need to do as much as he would when I am in grad school because right now I'm "safe" with my family. This really shouldn't be such a tug on my side.

 

I'm hoping for a change, but as we all know, it doesn't always happen the way we want. He shouldn't be investing in other women emotionally is how I feel. I don't want to be with a man like that; I couldn't spend my life and be married to someone who acts like this. No way.

[darkmoon]

there is a way of behaving that she is not doing, to look you in the eye and be a little self-deprecating, she has not been nice to you, she is young spoiled and if you are suspicious of her, I would not blame you

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Distance relationships are not for wimps.

 

 

I have done them several times in my marriage (30 years) and while dating (unsuccessfully)

 

 

As a completely immature approach...you can start to make a male friend or two, talk about them all the time. Post a pic on Facebook or twitter about what fun you and Joe are having and see what transpires. It would likely snap him, out of it. Just sayin

[glue808]

Distance relationships are not for wimps.

 

As a completely immature approach...you can start to make a male friend or two, talk about them all the time. Post a pic on Facebook or twitter about what fun you and Joe are having and see what transpires. It would likely snap him, out of it. Just sayin

 

They sure aren't for wimps! You got that right. Good for you on 30 years!!

 

That's funny you suggest that because my older brothers have mentioned to me that I should do the same. "Because, why not?" they say.

 

darkmoon: Honestly, the girl did strike me as spoiled and immature. Most of that group of friends he has struck me that way. I didn't like them very much... I felt like they were very shallow people. When I met them, all they discussed as a group people they all used to dislike in high school. I'm several years out of high school, so what do I care? That's beside the point, but it kind of gives an idea of what type this group is. My bf has said about the other girls in the group, "When I'm around them, I realize how great you are." What I don't understand is, why do you keep hanging out with them then? You aren't obligated to hang out with people like that.

 

I've had enough people pass through my life that don't do anything for me... it's time to have friends that are true friends. Who doesn't deserve having true and good friends?

 

I feel much better about handling this thanks to you all! Thank you so, so much.

[glue808]

Last night my bf snapped on me for the dumbest thing. FACEBOOK. I left him some things for him to see on fb, and then asked why he deleted (because I checked yesterday) what I'd left for him a week ago. I thought they were really funny things. He said it was an accident he deleted the one, and I responded wondering how'd that happen...what's the deal. and he said, "idk. ACCIDENT. my bad" After that, as you can imagine, the convo didn't go well. I said if he's going to give me attitude and respond curtly then I was going to leave him be. He kept provoking me and accused me of being mad over facebook... which I never was. I initially only asked a question wondering why, and he responded curtly and rudely. Very unlike him! He set the tone immediately. He was using caps and accusing me of being the one with the attitude. I pointed out he was the one using caps and writing things that are well known as "copping an attitude". I felt like he was trying to make me appear as if I really cared about fb- trying to switch it around. He is the one who set the tone.

 

 

We ended the convo and didn't speak anymore. He wrote me "I love you." this morning. I left my phone at home while I was gone majority of the day because I really don't want to be bothered with this. I have other things to do than be worked up. He wrote 3 hours after writing me, "You don't love me anymore?" When I got home, I only said, "I love you too." The "you don't love me anymore" really didn't help anything.

 

I'm considering a break from him. I feel like I'm dealing with a teenager and is taking advantage of the fact that I AM with him, so maybe he doesn't need to try anymore. He just hasn't been acting the same for the past few months. He lacks maturity, lacks ambition, justifies his female friends and his male friends over what I think.

 

It comes down to that I still haven't talked to him on the phone yet. I don't feel like I want to talk to him, but if he calls I guess I will have to speak. I feel like I need to sort out my feelings, but I'm feeling strongly about a break/breakup.

Edited July 23, 2013 by glue808

[It-is-what-it-is.]

He is acting like someone whose attention is elsewhere. My comments above still apply.

 

Talking live would help. Texting lacks context.

[glue808]

He is acting like someone whose attention is elsewhere. My comments above still apply.

 

Talking live would help. Texting lacks context.

 

You are right... Talking live is definitely helpful and more useful.

 

Could you elaborate when you say "his attention is elsewhere"?

[shexy]

Well, my ex husband was screwing his female "friend", so I have a pretty jaded opinion of this topic.....

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Whether or not he is having actual intercourse with any one of the multitudes of chicks is irrelevant, it is that his needs are being met elsewhere so his attention is there.

 

And as or the facebook item, I think it is more nefarious than you suspect too.