Female friend of boyfriend

[glue808]

And as or the facebook item, I think it is more nefarious than you suspect too.

 

No, I think so too. I'm glad you said that because that is what I was thinking that from the beginning of this whole nonsense. He's never been ashamed or embarrassed by anything before. He was *so* defensive. It was strange.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So, what are you going to do? What do you want to happen?

[glue808]

What I want is for him to start acting like an adult. He isn't mature. He doesn't have a job yet and I don't see him having any aspirations or goals. Every time I offer suggestions he gets defensive and cops the "I know!!" attitude with me... like I'm his mother nagging him. You can't make someone grow up though... They have to do that themselves. So there's that.

 

I want him to wake up. He has good traits, but the negatives are starting to tip the scales. He's too old to act like this, and it's really getting old. I'm about to start a new journey with more people like myself... and here's my boyfriend acting like he's in high school.

 

Unfortunately what I want and what I'll get are never going to sync up... I have a feeling... My last relationship was this way. I kept hoping and hoping... and ultimately wasted my time, albeit I learned something: you can't change anybody unless they want to.

 

What I'm going to do myself is a question indeed. Right now... I want a break from him. I want to clear my head and not have to feel like this just for a little bit, and then come back and know for certain. I want a break from this-- I need to know he's with me or not. Is he fully devoted or not? If he's going to continue this ridiculous behavior... then I'll know for sure it's over and I will be able to start a new life at grad school. Looks like I have an ultimatum on my hands.

 

It's funny... he said he had a dream about me telling him we were on a break, but then decided it was going to be permanent. Is this some manipulative thing he's doing or does he somehow know what's going to happen? This was 3 weeks ago.

 

This is exhausting...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

What I want is for him to start acting like an adult. He isn't mature. He doesn't have a job yet and I don't see him having any aspirations or goals. Every time I offer suggestions he gets defensive and cops the "I know!!" attitude with me... like I'm his mother nagging him. You can't make someone grow up though... They have to do that themselves. So there's that.

 

I want him to wake up. He has good traits, but the negatives are starting to tip the scales. He's too old to act like this, and it's really getting old. I'm about to start a new journey with more people like myself... and here's my boyfriend acting like he's in high school.

 

Unfortunately what I want and what I'll get are never going to sync up... I have a feeling... My last relationship was this way. I kept hoping and hoping... and ultimately wasted my time, albeit I learned something: you can't change anybody unless they want to.

 

What I'm going to do myself is a question indeed. Right now... I want a break from him. I want to clear my head and not have to feel like this just for a little bit, and then come back and know for certain. I want a break from this-- I need to know he's with me or not. Is he fully devoted or not? If he's going to continue this ridiculous behavior... then I'll know for sure it's over and I will be able to start a new life at grad school. Looks like I have an ultimatum on my hands.

 

It's funny... he said he had a dream about me telling him we were on a break, but then decided it was going to be permanent. Is this some manipulative thing he's doing or does he somehow know what's going to happen? This was 3 weeks ago.

 

This is exhausting...

 

Well it sounds like you know what to do. You can give him a chance to man up, or not and walk away. Or you can walk away.

 

Either way...you will be just fine. Good luck

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Turns out simply I can't keep close guy friends because these guy friends end up developing feelings for me (very much the truth).

 

 

That is universal... as guys generally have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women when they wouldn't prefer to be getting into their panties.

 

(exceptions are made for coworkers, neighbors, and 'family', etc.)

 

 

However, women are indeed perfectly capable of participating in a male-female friendship WITHOUT having designs on romance or sex (they don't have to, they can get the latter anywhere).

 

So unfortunately this isn't a situation where full reciprocity is required of a woman in general. Though as you stated, the guys are (clearly only there for one reason).

 

As to your specific case - I do indeed think they are too close, and that you have a right to protest to him. It's his actions, and not hers, which are the problems here. He is inviting this repeated invasion.

 

In a perfect world, she would land a boyfriend somewhere away from you two, and become indifferent to your guy in a big hurry.

 

Let me read some more...

[anna121]

Last night my bf snapped on me for the dumbest thing. FACEBOOK. I left him some things for him to see on fb, and then asked why he deleted (because I checked yesterday) what I'd left for him a week ago. I thought they were really funny things. He said it was an accident he deleted the one, and I responded wondering how'd that happen...what's the deal. and he said, "idk. ACCIDENT. my bad" After that, as you can imagine, the convo didn't go well.

 

I think you're perfectly within your rights to assert some boundaries about his "best friend", and it sounds like you're close to being done, but as you keep talking about his lack of immaturity, may I offer some honest feedback?

 

The FB argument you just related was not mature on your part either. So he deleted something you left for him. Maybe he didn't like them. Who cares if YOU thought they were funny? It's his page - his decision. Personally I don't think it was an accident that he deleted them, but that clearly he lied once he saw that you were going to bust his chops about it.

 

And, just from things you've said, it sounds like you bust his chops. A lot.

 

JMHO.

[glue808]

Update::: We a had a huge talk/argument/near break/argument/ talk.

 

To Anna121: Ok here it is: I wanted to know what he thought about the FB posts, and I felt that he could just tell me why or why he didn't like it.. because that'd help me in the future so I could not leave things he doesn't like. Really simple as that-- there was nothing behind my asking but honest curiosity. He snapped. After our convo, he said that he didn't have time to be "playing" with me about it because he was, at that time, busy. I told him that he didn't need to be snappish, but to just tell me that he's busy. I suggested that he tell me exactly how he's feeling so that I can instantly understand. He had done that many times in the past: instead of just saying what it is he's feeling, he'll choose to be passive aggressive. It isn't healthy for me. So now... after all said and done, he'd said he'd work on it. I said that I'd take him being too direct over being passive aggressive ANY day.

 

He still doesn't feel like he's too close to these other girls. He told me he doesn't tell them "I love you" anymore after we talked those few months ago; he said he realized he was wrong in doing that. He told me he stopped having late night phone calls, which we also talked about. We agreed on not spending one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex in either home. It is a change on his part, and it's fine by me to do this.

 

Additionally, we discussed who we consider friends. Who I consider friends are people who are going to be healthy for me... truly good and well-intended friends. My boyfriend considers friends people who can just float in and out of his life, but he'll learn something from them. He and I obviously disagree here on what a friend is... I can deal with this as long as I'm not brought into it. He had one who had a huge dramatic history... and I had to tell my bf not to tell me anything because it really was a burden. When I get involved, I really get involved. I get so involved that it spills over... I really care about my friends. He seems to be able to handle all sorts of drama... which can come and go all the time.. which is the way he likes it, I guess.

 

He told me I act like his mother sometimes. I was so insulted. When he talks to me with an attitude, I feel like he's MAKING me his mother. He doesn't communicate with me like he's my peer or my boyfriend. He explained I *only* make him feel like I'm his mother when I react to his attitude. He said, "she said the same thing when I gave her attitude."

 

It's been better the days following since this whole thing. However, to be honest, I feel like I'm holding back. I might be doing it to myself, but I still don't feel like myself towards him as I did a week ago. He has stepped it up since we argued... and I have become more careful... with everything. I don't know what it'll take for me to feel "normal" again. This argument was really difficult.

 

He said "I make him feel bad" when we hang up on the phone or when we separate during our long distance. He said when on the phone that I sigh and am disappointed when we hang up. (For the record, he doesn't call me, I call him. We only talk 1-2 times a week for about an hour each). He said it makes him feel bad and that he wants me to work on it. I couldn't help but feel defensive because I don't hardly hear from him on his own. I said he shouldn't feel so bad about it. I guess it's my way of missing him. Perhaps this is minuscule, but I felt like he is telling me I can't be sad when he leaves. As I mentioned before, between this August and next May, I will see him only 4 times... it's difficult...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Update::: We a had a huge talk/argument/near break/argument/ talk.

 

To Anna121: Ok here it is: I wanted to know what he thought about the FB posts, and I felt that he could just tell me why or why he didn't like it.. because that'd help me in the future so I could not leave things he doesn't like. Really simple as that-- there was nothing behind my asking but honest curiosity. He snapped. After our convo, he said that he didn't have time to be "playing" with me about it because he was, at that time, busy. I told him that he didn't need to be snappish, but to just tell me that he's busy. I suggested that he tell me exactly how he's feeling so that I can instantly understand. He had done that many times in the past: instead of just saying what it is he's feeling, he'll choose to be passive aggressive. It isn't healthy for me. So now... after all said and done, he'd said he'd work on it. I said that I'd take him being too direct over being passive aggressive ANY day.

 

He still doesn't feel like he's too close to these other girls. He told me he doesn't tell them "I love you" anymore after we talked those few months ago; he said he realized he was wrong in doing that. He told me he stopped having late night phone calls, which we also talked about. We agreed on not spending one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex in either home. It is a change on his part, and it's fine by me to do this.

 

Additionally, we discussed who we consider friends. Who I consider friends are people who are going to be healthy for me... truly good and well-intended friends. My boyfriend considers friends people who can just float in and out of his life, but he'll learn something from them. He and I obviously disagree here on what a friend is... I can deal with this as long as I'm not brought into it. He had one who had a huge dramatic history... and I had to tell my bf not to tell me anything because it really was a burden. When I get involved, I really get involved. I get so involved that it spills over... I really care about my friends. He seems to be able to handle all sorts of drama... which can come and go all the time.. which is the way he likes it, I guess.

 

He told me I act like his mother sometimes. I was so insulted. When he talks to me with an attitude, I feel like he's MAKING me his mother. He doesn't communicate with me like he's my peer or my boyfriend. He explained I *only* make him feel like I'm his mother when I react to his attitude. He said, "she said the same thing when I gave her attitude."

 

It's been better the days following since this whole thing. However, to be honest, I feel like I'm holding back. I might be doing it to myself, but I still don't feel like myself towards him as I did a week ago. He has stepped it up since we argued... and I have become more careful... with everything. I don't know what it'll take for me to feel "normal" again. This argument was really difficult.

 

He said "I make him feel bad" when we hang up on the phone or when we separate during our long distance. He said when on the phone that I sigh and am disappointed when we hang up. (For the record, he doesn't call me, I call him. We only talk 1-2 times a week for about an hour each). He said it makes him feel bad and that he wants me to work on it. I couldn't help but feel defensive because I don't hardly hear from him on his own. I said he shouldn't feel so bad about it. I guess it's my way of missing him. Perhaps this is minuscule, but I felt like he is telling me I can't be sad when he leaves. As I mentioned before, between this August and next May, I will see him only 4 times... it's difficult...

 

Glue,

 

Thanks for posting update. Seeing red flags all over. I highlighted, it certainly could be in the retelling, but I think your relationship is going south.

 

Why doesn't he make the effort to call? It does seem like you are doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. So in essence you are becoming parental, KWIM? What would happen if you just stopped? Would he call? Would he reach out?

 

I don't know....what are you both getting from this relationship?

[glue808]

I have tried stopping communication before, and he'll ask me what I'm up to that day really late in the afternoon or later. He brought up how last weekend he was the one who had to write me. There were two days we didn't talk this week, and he said he had to be the one to write. I told him that is a fraction of what I did all summer. He IS writing more now in the days since the fight, and he is sending pictures and videos of himself to me. I can definitely see the effort... but I just feel... still not good. I feel no better. I don't feel happier. I guess I feel a little relief, but not happy. He's not making me smile anymore.

 

I see your bolds... I most definitely see them. I feel stuck in a rut... I am becoming parental. I don't like that at all... since he's returned home in his comfy and safe and responsibility-free life, he's either really showing me what a baby he is or he's regressing. Either way, he is acting different.

 

His complaint of me making him feel bad when we part ways is bizarre. I still feel like it's his way of telling me not to be sad. I don't like being told how to feel. My last relationship was like that and that did not end well. He tried telling me what to do, and I should have been trusting my feelings.

 

OK- so what are we both getting from the relationship? Him, from my POV, lots of attention. He's getting a lot of free things too. My parents have helped him out as have I. He's beat broke. He's getting all the love from me. He's the one having fun. He feels secure (I don't know anymore, but he really is).

 

Me: I'm getting an effort from him. I get support when I need it. I get advice when I need it. I get someone who really tries to work at the relationship. I ultimately have the control.

 

Kind of sad isn't it... that's how our relationship has been. He visited my house for 2 weeks and it was like a vacation for him. It seemed silly to me because I've lived here all my life. I felt as if I was having a friend come out to my house from high school. He was goofing around and not doing much.

 

I still am not feeling good about us. I don't know if he thinks this too. He told me that if we ever broke up, it'd be me doing it with him because "I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he'd never let me go." And honestly, yes, he has really changed a lot and in a lot of really great ways because of me. Practically, he's told me I give him life. I changed his perspective on many things. I haven't changed that greatly in terms of perspective, but to put my foot down and not let people take advantage of me. I used to be too nice and too patient... maybe I still am a little bit.

 

There is an event going on this weekend I was invited to go to with his family. I don't know what I'm going to do because, since last week, I haven't really wanted to go. I almost am ready to go to school without seeing him. I don't feel like I want to put in any more time with his family.

 

Not good.

[Els]

I'm generally fine with friends of the opposite sex, but the stuff you mention them saying to one another goes beyond my boundaries of what is appropriate. Given your concern, I wager it goes beyond your boundaries, too.

 

Don't engage in comments with her. Don't play that game. Talk openly to your bf about your concern and point out their motives. Tell him that you don't need him to give up his friends, but rather negotiate appropriate behaviour for interaction with them. If he's genuinely just clueless (and I agree men can be like this sometimes), then that should serve to resolve the issue. If he resists any sort of change, time to reconsider things perhaps.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I have tried stopping communication before, and he'll ask me what I'm up to that day really late in the afternoon or later. He brought up how last weekend he was the one who had to write me. There were two days we didn't talk this week, and he said he had to be the one to write. I told him that is a fraction of what I did all summer. He IS writing more now in the days since the fight, and he is sending pictures and videos of himself to me. I can definitely see the effort... but I just feel... still not good. I feel no better. I don't feel happier. I guess I feel a little relief, but not happy. He's not making me smile anymore.

 

I see your bolds... I most definitely see them. I feel stuck in a rut... I am becoming parental. I don't like that at all... since he's returned home in his comfy and safe and responsibility-free life, he's either really showing me what a baby he is or he's regressing. Either way, he is acting different.

 

His complaint of me making him feel bad when we part ways is bizarre. I still feel like it's his way of telling me not to be sad. I don't like being told how to feel. My last relationship was like that and that did not end well. He tried telling me what to do, and I should have been trusting my feelings.

 

OK- so what are we both getting from the relationship? Him, from my POV, lots of attention. He's getting a lot of free things too. My parents have helped him out as have I. He's beat broke. He's getting all the love from me. He's the one having fun. He feels secure (I don't know anymore, but he really is).

 

Me: I'm getting an effort from him. I get support when I need it. I get advice when I need it. I get someone who really tries to work at the relationship. I ultimately have the control.

 

Kind of sad isn't it... that's how our relationship has been. He visited my house for 2 weeks and it was like a vacation for him. It seemed silly to me because I've lived here all my life. I felt as if I was having a friend come out to my house from high school. He was goofing around and not doing much.

 

I still am not feeling good about us. I don't know if he thinks this too. He told me that if we ever broke up, it'd be me doing it with him because "I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he'd never let me go." And honestly, yes, he has really changed a lot and in a lot of really great ways because of me. Practically, he's told me I give him life. I changed his perspective on many things. I haven't changed that greatly in terms of perspective, but to put my foot down and not let people take advantage of me. I used to be too nice and too patient... maybe I still am a little bit.

 

There is an event going on this weekend I was invited to go to with his family. I don't know what I'm going to do because, since last week, I haven't really wanted to go. I almost am ready to go to school without seeing him. I don't feel like I want to put in any more time with his family.

 

Not good.

 

I am not suggesting you stop talking to him, but I do think that while you are sorting out your thoughts, you might want to try letting him take the lead in reaching out. Let me explain.

 

You are clearly becoming the driver in the relationship. Maybe you always were, maybe it's evolved. Dunno, but while you like to be in control, it also seems to be contributing to your feelings that he lacks maturity. (Sometimes, when we fix problems for people they never learn to fix it themselves.)

 

I think that the comments about being like his mother, making him feel bad (guilty), bugging him when he is busy, him not wanting to explain his being angry about the Facebook post, not wanting to compromise about the female friends, all combine into him REBELLING. Rebelling against you and your relationship. Not good. Why is he doing that? Could be a dozen reasons, but I would bet that the combined influence of no responsibility, hanging with a bunch of girls that make him feel special, -- makes the real world relationship not as much "fun". KWIM?

 

At this point you are both in very different places in your lives. Distance is only one part of the problem.

[glue808]

I'm generally fine with friends of the opposite sex, but the stuff you mention them saying to one another goes beyond my boundaries of what is appropriate. Given your concern, I wager it goes beyond your boundaries, too.

 

Don't engage in comments with her. Don't play that game. Talk openly to your bf about your concern and point out their motives. Tell him that you don't need him to give up his friends, but rather negotiate appropriate behaviour for interaction with them. If he's genuinely just clueless (and I agree men can be like this sometimes), then that should serve to resolve the issue. If he resists any sort of change, time to reconsider things perhaps.

 

We have talked about it; it was included in our big argument we had last week. I've asked him that if he puts myself in his shoes and I'm with another guy, would it bother him? That really seems to have worked in the past. I don't have problems with female friends, no, but yes I do have a problem with these boundaries. We did negotiate no one-on-one time with other's of the opposite sex in the other's home, or our own. I detailed what else we discussed in an earlier post.

 

He has never been in a long-distance, long-term relationship. Before me, the last time he dated was when he was 18... 4 years ago! We'll have been dating 2 years next month. The longest he'd dated before me was about 2 months. He's dated more people than me, but I've really gone through the ringer.

Edited July 28, 2013 by glue808

[glue808]

I am not suggesting you stop talking to him, but I do think that while you are sorting out your thoughts, you might want to try letting him take the lead in reaching out. Let me explain.

 

You are clearly becoming the driver in the relationship. Maybe you always were, maybe it's evolved. Dunno, but while you like to be in control, it also seems to be contributing to your feelings that he lacks maturity. (Sometimes, when we fix problems for people they never learn to fix it themselves.)

 

I think that the comments about being like his mother, making him feel bad (guilty), bugging him when he is busy, him not wanting to explain his being angry about the Facebook post, not wanting to compromise about the female friends, all combine into him REBELLING. Rebelling against you and your relationship. Not good. Why is he doing that? Could be a dozen reasons, but I would bet that the combined influence of no responsibility, hanging with a bunch of girls that make him feel special, -- makes the real world relationship not as much "fun". KWIM?

 

At this point you are both in very different places in your lives. Distance is only one part of the problem.

 

Yes... makes sense to me. It absolutely makes sense. He is rebelling, isn't he? Oh my... You're right.

 

I should let him take the reigns. You're post really has made me feel a lot better. I was definitely taking control of what's going on. We are very much in different places.

 

He told me that when I am sad at the end of our calls, he said it made him feel like he didn't want to call me. This made me cry; it really hurt me... and he said he didn't mean it and it came out the wrong way (after I started crying). But I don't believe him... he said he was sorry and didn't mean it. But part of me really feels like it's true. I don't remember the last time when he called by himself just to talk to me or to hear my voice. He only calls me now when he wants something... like for me to help him with his anxiety (once a month).

Edited July 28, 2013 by glue808

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes... makes sense to me. It absolutely makes sense. He is rebelling, isn't he? Oh my... You're right.

 

I should let him take the reigns. You're post really has made me feel a lot better. I was definitely taking control of what's going on. We are very much in different places.

 

He told me that when I am sad at the end of our calls, he said it made him feel like he didn't want to call me. This made me cry; it really hurt me... and he said he didn't mean it and it came out the wrong way (after I started crying). But I don't believe him... he said he was sorry and didn't mean it. But part of me really feels like it's true. I don't remember the last time when he called by himself just to talk to me or to hear my voice. He only calls me now when he wants something... like for me to help him with his anxiety (once a month).

 

I am glad it helps.

 

One more thing...not sure if you have dogs, or if this speaks to you, but we all have biological innate reactions to things...humans are no diffent from animals in that way. If you have ever tried to catch a dog that has run away, you probably notice that if you chase them they run AWAY. If you turn around and run away, they chase you. Biology.

 

I don't say this to have you play games, I believe in truth, but I also believe that the mistake we make in relationships is sometimes not recognizing that we have to stop chasing what we want, and let them chase us.

 

While you figure out whether this relationship still works for you, stop putting yourself in the dominant position, driving, initiating, correcting, see what happens.

[glue808]

It speaks to me, yes. I never really thought that it was innate in humans, but you are right!

 

I will take your suggestion and see what happens. Thank you so much. You've helped me out immensely. Thank you.

[Cressida]

New member here. Just want to give my 2 c. since me and a male friend had a very beautiful friendship for a few years.

 

1) Your boyfriend is taking liberties that put him in a very circumspect situation, and he is aware of this. Not even your concern made him understand, he got defensive by arguing that he has the right to have female friends.

 

2) Female friends don't act this way when they know the dude has a girlfriend. It's disrespectful and they know better than that. When a girl does stuff like this, telling a guy she 'loves him' on social networks for everybody to see, it's just ugly because it casts a negative light on her. She KNOWS she shouldn't be doing it but she does it, perhaps to play with your nerves. I guess he told her you're bothered by her demeanor and who knows what she told him, that you're clingy or something. When a girl acts like that, anything is possible.

 

3) I just finished reading a blog where a very nice lady (I assume) explains very simply what women should do or not do when around a man/in a relationship. You have a long distance relationship with him and he hangs out with girls despite you not liking this, and gets all defensive and ALLOWS them to continue acting like this.

 

4) I think you should seriously consider to stop seeing him for good. You can find someone less immature who can act like a normal male. Why does he always need to be surrounded by women? Attention? This is b*s. He could get attention if he did other typical male things, a sport, a hobby, a job, acing his studies if he's in college. This is plain b*s. Stop making excuses for sh*itty behavior. You deserve better.

[BeholdtheMan]

I guarantee you that if the tables were turned, your boyfriend would be flipping out. I think if your boyfriend adamantly refuses to change his ways whatsoever, you might have to consider dropping him

[glue808]

Trust me, I know. I have been considering dropping him. But I do believe that I have been in much of the control since my problems began. It-is-what-it-is made a really good suggestion, and that was for me me to stop being so dominant. I decided I'm going to back off and focus more on myself and what I'm up to. I'm taking this time to really think about things concerning my relationship and where we are going. I *will know* when I've had enough-- that is for absolute certain.

 

To be honest, he never is on board initially with what I say, but he has always come through for me. One thing I am glad of is that we really can talk. I have a friend right now who can't even get her boyfriend to talk to her about anything. It made me glad that at least we can communicate and work through things (and I'll admit there ARE points to stop trying).

 

Beholdtheman: I have definitely told him, "Imagine if it was me hanging out with guys instead of the other way around" and I used examples of what he has previously done. He says he wouldn't like it, but he trusts me. That's all great and good, and I trust him too, but it's more about these boundaries and respecting the other person.

 

We haven't talked about anything since we had an argument. I wasn't feeling too good a few days ago, but he's been taking the lead more than he was. It's been nearly a week since we argued.

 

He isn't adamantly refusing to change. I did write in a previous post where we made an agreement. I know that when I meet some male friends when I leave for the next 2 years, I'm positive that he'll get a wake up call.

[JessieJ08]

You have every right to be insecure really he is up talking to another chick at 4 am saying I love you. I dont why people today dont get respect its like they were raised to not have any for anyone not even themselves this girl is not a friend she is a Home Wrecker, your boyfriend is acting really immature and not very smart if he honestly believes this chick has good intentions and respect his relationship at all.

 

She doesn't at all there fore she isnt a true friend the word friend is used so freely anyone who causes discomfort to your personal life cant be trusted and isnt a true friend instead of being mad at her I would be mad that your boyfriend isnt thinking with any common sense and chooses not to respect your relationship with him.

 

Honestly it sounds like he is using this chick as an excuse to flirt and either way it isnt right to be acting this way when your in a relationship with someone you should reconsider even being in a relationship with him Im not trying to be negative but it doesnt sound like he is mature enough.

[glue808]

Well, visited him and his family this weekend.

 

Once I got to his house (3 hour drive), he was happy to see me... but one of the first things out of his mouth was to criticize what route I took to get there. Because there was traffic and I took different directions, what was supposed to be about 2 hours became 3. It bothered me... still kind of bothers me that it was right when I got out of my car after a crappy drive. We didn't kiss right away either. I didn't really feel like it :/

 

The weekend overall was OK. Didn't help me or make anything worse. I'm just right back to where I was feeling the few days before. Just... meh.

 

I noticed when I was there his family got after him about stuff. He said "Whenever you're around they act like I'm not doing things for you." They pick on him more than usual, I guess. He's the baby of the family and so am I (by 8 years however), but I don't think he's used to getting picked on (I was picked on by 3 older brothers, so I have a thick skin when it comes to teasing!). He gets worked up so easily and gets too serious. They do get after him about dumb stuff, but sometimes it's right on in the "manners" department.

 

I talked to his mom a little bit... and it was a nice talk. We talked about my bf- her son. She said a couple weeks ago he spent time in the basement in the dark. Little did she know, that was when we were arguing. Kind of bugs me that he just secluded himself in his depressed state and sat in the dark. She said, "He's so sensitive about stuff... I'm sure you know that." She and I see the same insecurities and sensitivities.. and seem to need to both take a deep breath regarding him. It's ridiculous. He would be rude to his parents also while I was there... snappy like he was with me.

 

He actually asked his mother to prepare a salad for him while he and I ran out for a bit. She had forgotten by the time we got back and she said "I'll make it up to you!" And he said, "You better!" When we were together as undergrad's at college, he never asked me things like that. He's a big boy. Make your own salad. That bothered me he asked his mother to do that for him. I'd not seen that before. My older brothers wouldn't be asking my mother for things like that. Especially not myself. Sit down, mom, you've been working hard for everyone, I'm not going to ask you to make me an individual salad too.

 

So- where I'm at now... still thinking and taking everything in. While I was there, he was still talking about a future and getting married. Quite frankly, I don't even want to talk about it. I don't know where we are going at this point. I'm still doing OK, but I'm focusing on myself. Still thinking...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Glad it went ok.

 

You BF sounds a bit immature, but you knew that from his behavior with you. Did you two talk about the girls?

[glue808]

You BF sounds a bit immature, but you knew that from his behavior with you. Did you two talk about the girls?

 

Didn't even get a chance to, unfortunately. We only had privacy for about twenty minutes out of the whole weekend. During that time, we were only able to talk about what's been going on with me, and his new job. I even tried to talk about our distance later that night when I was going to sleep, and he abruptly ended the conversation. I told him he had abruptly ended the convo, and he said that there really wasn't much we could do since we would both be busy, so there isn't really much to say.

 

I was getting the feeling that if I brought up his female friends while I was there, I was only going to end up in tears from frustration. I kind of did anyway when he said he had missed me (we didn't talk on the phone for a week). I really didn't want to get into it with him. At least not yet. I don't know... but I feel like I'm beginning to care less about it. I've simply stopped doing a lot of things that I used to do just for my own piece of mind-- and I feel happier on my own that way. I don't know if that's right or if that's how I should feel but it definitely is working for me. It's like I make myself miserable by checking the media outlets for news regarding him.

 

I guess I feel better when my focus is on myself. I feel better when I only hear from him when it's from my phone (text or call). Any time I see his name pop up, I can't help but feel... sad, I guess. Hurt.

 

While I was eating dinner with his family, his mother said, "He's getting his wisdom teeth out on Friday!" I said, "Oh, he is?" I was sitting next to him. His mom said, "Oh you didn't know? Didn't he tell you?" I said without thinking about it, "No, he doesn't tell me anything." Not a beat was skipped, but he was quiet after that. Since I came home, he's actually told me what he was doing. I was surprised.

 

I'm starting to feel like we don't have a relationship but something that's convenient for us. He's there; I'm here. We're doing what we need to do with our own lives. I'm beginning to feel more and more casual about our relationship. I have no clue if that's typical of LDR. Never had one with quite this big of distance.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I can understand what you are saying...all of it. And you seem to be on the right path.

 

Just wanted you to know I was reading. Good luck.

[anna121]

LDRs are SO tough. You have to be equally committed, or equally nonchalant.

 

Otherwise they're pure torture.