Why, What , Confusion

[Z-Kev]

I really dont know how to start saying what I want to say so decided to prevaricate like this...that done lets go.

 

I am a married man in an affair with a married woman, it has been going on for 2 months now, the situation is both of us get the physical and emotional closeness we need that isnt in our marriages, both of us are currently on a high with really strong emotional feelings for each other as any new relationship , can I call an affair a relationship?, at the moment I am somewhere between happy at how I feel with the OW and disgusted by what I doing to my wife. I dont hate my wife but can I really say I love her...no, she spent years pushing me away physically which she has admitted she used as a way of punishing me .... dont judge her , she is a better person than I am but we all make mistakes, so I am continually pushed away and now I dont want to go back, I dont hate my wife, I just dont love her.

 

My problem is fear......I am quite a solitary person, but I am also considering leaving my wife mainly because of the affair, I am not leaving to be with the OW because I doubt she will ever leave her husband but I am considering leaving because how can I be married to someone who I ...well lets not say love but still have feelings for and treat them like this and treat myself like this but I really do fear the alone situation, pretty much no family and only a few close friends, and I ask myself is that fear the only reason I am still here...and the answer is ......almost certainly yes, and then I feel all cowardly and get down on myself.........

 

Thats where I am confused, I am hoping that maybe there are other people here like myself who can share, I am not looking for a solution as I need to come up with that on my own , just need to bounce ideas and feelings around....not really sure...see confused.

 

Sorry this is so rambling, I have just found this site and I needed to talk to someone.

[Ladydrib]

I feel exactly the same as your entire post describes. It is my believe that you know. However you are experiencing two conflicting thoughts. One says divorce, the other says stay. The conflicting thought is clouding what you "know". How do you know which one to follow? I believe you follow the one that is not fear based. I'm struggling with the same thing. But I know that if my marriage got this bad to begin with, then I'm certainly not in the right place and so I'm trying to wrap my mind around leaving. The fear of the unknown and potential regret is screaming at me, but I'm doing my best to accept the risks and do what I know is right regardless of my fears. I hope this helps you. Good luck.

Edited July 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sure]

You have a really great opportunity here to change your life for the better. Like any life changing event, it will be hard but necessary work.

 

You have the opportunity to leave your marriage and find a new life for yourself. A life in which you are forced to face your fears, find out you are up to the challenge and be happy either on your own or with someone else.

 

You have the opportunity here to put your cards on the table and give both you and your wife a chance to make decisions and changes together to either fall in love again with each other or with someone else. You and your current wife will have to dig deep, acknowledge maybe for the first time in years what your life priorities are.

 

Ending your affair gives you the opportunity to take back some of the integrity , personal values, and authenticity you have put aside. You need those things to lead a happy life . No way around that.

[MMY]

I was in the same situation you find yourself in. I was having an A with a MW which ended 4 mths ago. My W of 21 years found out and I told her and I knew that I was finished with my M.

 

Things changed. My W and I pulled back the rug on the needs we both were failing to give each other. We did do some MC which in turn lead us to a few great books that helped us a lot.

 

Everything you will read says an A last about a year. Mine was 18 mths. I don't have a lot of family or close friends ( I have a lot of friends ) just not close and I also look at what would happen if I left. In the End the one person that has stood by me is my W.

 

If you want this to work you have to go NC with AP and focus on you and your W. Ask yourself is it worth one last try?

 

If you have question I can help with I will be glad to answer. Keep posting on this site.

 

FYI, the feelings for the OW are prob at an all time peak. You can't get enough of each other. Those are the feelings of escape, or it was for me. I look back and I fell in love not with the OW but everything that the A brought to me that I wasn't getting at home. (I don't mean just Sex).

 

So open up to yourself first. Sit back, look at LS post, google, find "His Needs, Her Needs" book.

 

You can do it.

 

I wish you the best

[CarrieT]

both of us are currently on a high

This is known as "Affair Fog."

 

with really strong emotional feelings for each other as any new relationship

Is it really emotional or just part of the addicted endorphin that gets created in the "rush" of excitement of what you are doing?

 

I dont hate my wife but can I really say I love her...no, she spent years pushing me away physically which she has admitted she used as a way of punishing me .... dont judge her , she is a better person than I am but we all make mistakes, so I am continually pushed away and now I dont want to go back, I dont hate my wife, I just dont love her.

Your wife needs to know this.

 

My problem is fear......I am quite a solitary person, but I am also considering leaving my wife mainly because of the affair, I am not leaving to be with the OW because I doubt she will ever leave her husband but I am considering leaving because how can I be married to someone who I ...well lets not say love but still have feelings for and treat them like this and treat myself like this but I really do fear the alone situation, pretty much no family and only a few close friends, and I ask myself is that fear the only reason I am still here...and the answer is ......almost certainly yes, and then I feel all cowardly and get down on myself.........

Of course you are afraid. You are afraid to consider a different life than the one you have. You haven't told us your age, but that is an important fact you should divulge. Many of us have found "true love" later in life and there is no reason you should subject yourself to a marriage that isn't completely fulfilling.

 

Thats where I am confused, I am hoping that maybe there are other people here like myself who can share, I am not looking for a solution as I need to come up with that on my own , just need to bounce ideas and feelings around....not really sure...see confused.

A ton of us have been what you are going through. You ARE looking for a solution and you will receive a handful of advice that will help you chart the path towards a place where you can find peace.

 

Like others, I heartily suggest you come clean with your wife. Read through the Infidelity forum and you will see a lot of similar stories to yours. Ultimately, keeping the secret of the affair is never a good option and hurts more people than you know.

[scatterd]

The kindest thing you can do for your wife is to tell her. This will hurt her but the information can give her back the power to choose what she wants. She deserves to have someone that can love her completely. We all fear the unknown of our future. If you do not love your wife you need to find a solution. She may want to work it out and seek counseling. What ever happens will be better then what it is now.

[Praying4Peace]

If you really want out the relationship, then don't tell her and just get a divorce. If you tell her, you will feel obliged to stay. If you really want to leave REGARDLESS of what OW does, that is my recommendation.

 

I am speaking purely from experience. I am NOT with my xMM nor do I hope to be. My xH knows and his life is a living hell. Even after the Divorce. It also made things much harder with the divorce because he is of the belief that if I didn't love xMM, I would be with him...when the reality is that we just don't work out and the A just opened my eyes to that.

 

I am also like you where I don't hate my xH. He is a very nice person, he pushed me away a lot (not physically, but emotionally) and I just know our personalities don't click. That said, it is scary as all heck being alone and some days I feel like kicking myself. My xH would have R'd but it would just be both of us staying out of fear. Now I have to deal with the fact that xH feels both abandoned AND rejected.

 

When your W finds out she will be devastated and she'll say it is because of MOW. No matter what you say, she will believe it is because of her. And its not, I can tell by your writing.

 

You know how I can tell you are done with your M? Lack of anger and the fact that you wish her well. It is called indifference (to an extent, obviously you two have history). If you were angry at her for pushing you away, I'd say that could be turned around in therapy and you guys could rekindle something.

 

Life is too short. If you tell her, look forward to a 2-5 year jail sentence (that what it seems like for some people) where she is hurt and you are too kind to leave her in that emotional state of wreckage.

 

I'm all for honestly, but use your brain. A lot of people will tell you things without thinking what is best for both of you long term.

 

Life is too short. Am I scared? YES. Everyday. Very lonely. Is that a bad thing or a good thing? I think its a good thing...but I'm an optimist and i know this stage won't last forever and the future is in my hands.

 

I do miss my xMM still, but I'm not going to hide behind my H and my M (which is basically a sham given all he knows about the A). I'd rather face the music, let H go because HE DESERVES IT and figure things out.

 

Your W deserves to find someone that she loves. If you tell her, she will have major issues. Even without you, she'll have trust issues and feelings of insecurity. At first, she may be extra attracted to you (hysterical bonding, look it up) but that's just physcial and what we are all looking for is emotional connection. It's all textbook reactions, and later on down the line she'll resent you and both of you will be stuck in this new story of your lives.

 

Its only been 2 months. Get separated and file for D, or go to MC and cut things off with MOW. But don't tell.

[So happy together]

I don't think you should tell. Why destroy W unnecessarily? Decide what you want, then go from there. But don't do anything rash. My boyfriend's stbxw found out when he left and it has not been a good thing. It has made it more difficult for her. It would have been easier if she knew he left because they were not compatible. Now, she blames the affair and won't even look at their relationship or why it failed. Nor will she look at her personal shortcomings.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[So happy together]

I honestly believe this is why more women than men initiate divorces (in the US, not sure in other countries). I think a lot of men depend on women to do everything but chew their food for them, and the thought of being on their own and having to fend for themselves frightens them silly.

 

OP, you say your wife has pushed you away to 'punish' you, so apparently you've done something in your marriage to cause her to feel this way. You even make mention of the fact that she's a better person than you, so I don't know what the dynamic is that is making her 'punish' you, but I don't think you're a victim in all this.

 

You need to clean your front porch and start doing right by everyone.

 

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't believe in witholding love, affection, sex, whatever to punish. It is not W's job to punish her husband. This is manipulation tactic 101 and it will kill a relationship. And to say that he 'must have done something'... pretty freakin' big assumption, wouldn't you say? You gleaned that from ONE POST? Jesus.

[Mnogomnogo]

Good luck on your journey, you've already mapped out your exit. Now it's up to you how you execute the plan. Are you going to over/under fund it. Treat it like a hobby/job. Your affair partner sounds pretty easy about this, what would you do if she folds first?Run back to wifey for support?

 

 

Whatever You do, don't put the plug back in the drain, and pretend like your marriage will ever be that warm luxurious bath it once was.

[veryhappy]

I honestly believe this is why more women than men initiate divorces (in the US, not sure in other countries). I think a lot of men depend on women to do everything but chew their food for them, and the thought of being on their own and having to fend for themselves frightens them silly.

 

OP, you say your wife has pushed you away to 'punish' you, so apparently you've done something in your marriage to cause her to feel this way. You even make mention of the fact that she's a better person than you, so I don't know what the dynamic is that is making her 'punish' you, but I don't think you're a victim in all this.

 

You need to clean your front porch and start doing right by everyone.

 

Men are right not to get divorced. They are more depressed, more sick, die quicker if they divorce. Marriage works for them.

 

Withholding something for punisment is abusive behavior. Telling a victim of abuse that he/she caused the abuse is only normalizing the abuse. It's on the same level with "she got raped because how she was dressed or because how she smiled".

[Z-Kev]

Thanks for all your replies, some of it has cleared my head, the lack of anger thing strikes a chord, as for being punished....never ever did anything to deserve it, some wont believe that but its true and she doesnt know why she acted this way, however I am indeed looking for an exit, that first step is a nightmare I think, still confused just need to take in what everyone has said and make a decision.

 

Thx again

[Pierre]

Thanks for all your replies, some of it has cleared my head, the lack of anger thing strikes a chord, as for being punished....never ever did anything to deserve it, some wont believe that but its true and she doesnt know why she acted this way, however I am indeed looking for an exit, that first step is a nightmare I think, still confused just need to take in what everyone has said and make a decision.

 

Thx again

 

Dude:

 

Divorce your wife and become a free man.

 

If MOW stays married , dump her, she may be a cake eater.

 

I am assuming you truly do not love your wife and that she has been bad to you. Maybe she minimizes you and does not meet your emotional needs.

 

It would be helpful for the forum members if you listed the following:

 

1. What does MOW does for you? Other than being a NEW body.

 

2. How is your wife bad to you? How did she punished you? Why?

 

Please post more info. So far all I see is divorce in the horizon. Furthermore, if you tell your wife and if she is a strong will woman she will probably divorce you. Unless she is weak and begs you to stay, but I doubt that from your initial post.

[whichwayisup]

Z-Kev, I say tell your wife exactly what you said here. Allow her to make a decision to work with you to save the marriage or divorce. It is possible she's not happy either, and she loves you but doesn't feel that same love that was once there before. Confess your affair. Let the chips fall where they may.

 

Who knows, maybe this might shake things up enough for you both to either want to divorce or wake up feelings for each other that haven't been felt in a long time, which could lead to you two giving your marriage one last shot, give it your best before throwing in the towel. This way if it really doesn't work out, you'll know you're leaving your marriage for the right reasons.

 

Your MW (not OW, an OW is single) isn't really part of this equation unless you plan on continuing your affair with her. I say end it with her to give your marriage one last shot.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all your replies, some of it has cleared my head, the lack of anger thing strikes a chord, as for being punished....never ever did anything to deserve it, some wont believe that but its true and she doesnt know why she acted this way, however I am indeed looking for an exit, that first step is a nightmare I think, still confused just need to take in what everyone has said and make a decision.

 

Thx again

 

Do you and your wife have children to consider? If so, that's a reason to give your marriage one last shot at working. To throw in the towel without trying isn't fair to them. You both owe not only to each other but to your children (again, if you two have kids).

[Z-Kev]

Thanks for advice people, decided to end marriage.......was emotional, didnt say that I was having affair, bigger problem is we have to share house as its rented and we both cant afford another place for a few months, makes for more pain, honestly dont have a clue what I am going to do, I am 41 and we were together for 17 years, even though I dont love her anymore its still crap situation......will see what time brings, I have no hopes of the OW long term so I need to start out again, just gonna do it one day at a time till I feel good enough to plan further than that. I had to finish it as I was only dragging it out for all the wrong reasons.