Can't Attract Women

[rgz]

I'm a young man in his 20's and absolutely cannot attract any female attention and most certainly can't get a girlfriend. I've gone out with some of my friends to meet women and been on several dates, but no women view me in a sexual way. I think I know what the problem is. My speaking voice is very monotone and my body language isn't particularly expressive. I think this presents me to be very boring, even though I have an interesting life. I've gone to university, got an interesting job, have hobbies and passions, ect. None of this comes across when I talk to people though. I can't flirt with women.

 

This is all very frustrating, after getting home from some type of social event having just struck out with all them women I encounter, I feel like crying. I want to have dates and relationships, but I can't even get past this first step.

 

Here's what I've tried so far:

-OLD. Horrible experience, this doesn't solve any of my problems.

-Meet with a dating coach to try street dating; walking around public places in the day and talking to women. I can't get phone numbers.

-Speed dating. I occasionally get dates, but they disappear pretty quickly. I've probably met 50-60 women through speed dating, gotten about 4-5 dates, none of them stick around or show very much interest in me.

 

What should I do?

[era]

What should I do?

 

Have you tried taking a genuine interest in the women, instead of being so self-conscious all the time?...

[pcplod]

I think I know what the problem is. My speaking voice is very monotone and my body language isn't particularly expressive.

 

So you think that is at least part of the issue? I don't know whether it is or not but I would accept that it could be.

 

You are a university graduate. That means that you have at least a modicum of nous. So dating isn't working for you because of this but so far you have either tried to make it work for you just be sheer effort or by finding the magical dating formula. Meanwhile there is this issue that seems to be undermining any form of dating you try.

 

I think that a substantial part of the problem for anyone in this predicament is the assumption that dating is some sort explicit, unique phenomenon. I guess, in terms of objective it is, it can't really be anything else. However, is it in terms of process? Some people treat it that way and seems to do okay with it. I am not sure, though, exactly what the real cause and effect is that is going on for them. It probably is not what it seems, even to them, however.

 

Are you lacking in self-confidence? Are you anxious? Are you depressed? Are you inhibited? Do you think about women and treat them as if they are an alien species? Any or all of these things will see your dating efforts as being akin to flying with lead boots on. Just stating the obvious.

[rgz]

Have you tried taking a genuine interest in the women,

 

Yes, but I think I'm coming across as being boring. My interest doesn't come across based on my body language or the way I'm speaking.

 

instead of being so self-conscious all the time?...

 

How do you think I'm being self conscious?

[rgz]

However, is it in terms of process?

 

It is a process that I can't even begin. I'm getting ever so slightly greater than nil interest from women.

 

Are you lacking in self-confidence?

 

My confidence with women might be a bit low because I keep getting rejected by them. How am I supposed to be confident at something that I completely suck at?

[era]

How do you think I'm being self conscious?

 

Hi rgz...what I meant was - I noticed you didn't mention anything about some of the great women you must be meeting, so maybe you are too focused on your own being.

[El Brujo]

I'm a young man in his 20's and absolutely cannot attract any female attention and most certainly can't get a girlfriend. I've gone out with some of my friends to meet women and been on several dates, but no women view me in a sexual way. I think I know what the problem is. My speaking voice is very monotone and my body language isn't particularly expressive. I think this presents me to be very boring, even though I have an interesting life. I've gone to university, got an interesting job, have hobbies and passions, ect. None of this comes across when I talk to people though. I can't flirt with women.

 

This is all very frustrating, after getting home from some type of social event having just struck out with all them women I encounter, I feel like crying. I want to have dates and relationships, but I can't even get past this first step.

 

Here's what I've tried so far:

-OLD. Horrible experience, this doesn't solve any of my problems.

-Meet with a dating coach to try street dating; walking around public places in the day and talking to women. I can't get phone numbers.

-Speed dating. I occasionally get dates, but they disappear pretty quickly. I've probably met 50-60 women through speed dating, gotten about 4-5 dates, none of them stick around or show very much interest in me.

 

What should I do?

 

You mentioned social events... organize one yourself. There's a plus that comes with you being the brains that brings the whole thing together and makes it work. Throw a few small parties first, then pick a theme and start throwing bigger ones. I guarantee you the women at those things may not want to date you, but they WILL be curious about the guy who put it together.

 

But forget OLD, it's unworkable. Speed dating and hitting on women in public are too random.

[rgz]

Hi rgz...what I meant was - I noticed you didn't mention anything about some of the great women you must be meeting, so maybe you are too focused on your own being.

 

I've met tons of women with varying degrees of greatness but I barely even register as a blip on their radar, none of them ever become attracted to me.

[rgz]

You mentioned social events... organize one yourself. There's a plus that comes with you being the brains that brings the whole thing together and makes it work. Throw a few small parties first, then pick a theme and start throwing bigger ones. I guarantee you the women at those things may not want to date you, but they WILL be curious about the guy who put it together.

 

But forget OLD, it's unworkable. Speed dating and hitting on women in public are too random.

 

My social circle is too small to limit my dating efforts to friends and friends of friends. I need to cast a bigger net.

[mesmerized]

You have to find out first what it is that repels women. Are you sure it's just you being boring? Ask someone who can be honest with you to give you an honest feedback. Do you take care of your looks and style?

 

Attracting the opposite sex is not easy and does not come to all of us naturally so you have to work for it. Don't be discouraged...Sometimes it takes a loot of practice to get good at it and know what you are doing.

[Keenly]

The minute you stop caring so much about meeting women and just worry about pleasing yourself, and living life to make YOU happy, is when they flock to you.

[rgz]

You have to find out first what it is that repels women. Are you sure it's just you being boring? Ask someone who can be honest with you to give you an honest feedback. Do you take care of your looks and style?

 

I'm pretty sure I need to appear more interesting and work on my confidence. I don't think my looks/style are the limiting factors. I'm 6' 170 lbs, so no issue with body type. My clothes are appropriate. Overall, I'd say my appearance is better than average.

[theonlyjuan]

Confidence

Charisma

Flirt

Joke

[rgz]

Confidence

Charisma

Flirt

Joke

 

This is easier said than done. I don't think I've really got this in me, probably the main cause of my struggles. How do I develop these skills?

[Imajerk17]

Well, you're asking us to tell you what you are doing wrong and prescribe a fix going only by your words on a screen. You realize what a tough order that is right? As I think I know what is happening here, I'll take a shot.

 

 

 

This is all very frustrating, after getting home from some type of social event having just struck out with all them women I encounter, I feel like crying. I want to have dates and relationships, but I can't even get past this first step.

 

Well, first off, you can certainly learn better body language, and I believe you can train your voice to become more expressive. You can also learn more effective social skills.

 

That said, maybe you come across as too needy in these social events? The guys who actually are effectively meeting women look like they were already having a good time.

 

Here's what I've tried so far:

-OLD. Horrible experience, this doesn't solve any of my problems.

-Meet with a dating coach to try street dating; walking around public places in the day and talking to women. I can't get phone numbers.

-Speed dating. I occasionally get dates, but they disappear pretty quickly. I've probably met 50-60 women through speed dating, gotten about 4-5 dates, none of them stick around or show very much interest in me.

 

If your body language and tonality are off you're going to have basically the same problems with women no matter how you meet them. Trying to come up with different avenues to get dates won't fix anything.

 

I like cold approaches by the way but if your problem is that you can't attract a woman when you are in front of them how is approaching more of them going to fix anything? The dating coach should have instead been working with you on improving your body language and tonality, and your social and flirting skills. Get the foundations down first. Walk before you can run.

 

 

 

What should I do?

 

Fire your current dating coach, and find someone who will work with you on body language, tonality, and flirting skills.

 

After that: Try meeting women at places where you are actually having fun, such as your hobbies....

Edited July 20, 2013 by Imajerk17

[rgz]

I took one step in the right direction today, I found an intro level improv class near my house and made my rookie debut. I think this will help me work through some of my issues. As an added bonus, I met a cute girl at the class and got her number once everything was done. This seems to be a step in the right direction, but I'm not sure she's keane to see me again, a look of terror struck her body when she was giving me her phone number.

[lover4721]

It seems like the same issue for me, so I'm also looking for advice!

 

You and I seem a bit similar with our personality.

 

Did you ever find that you attract women you don't like? I find that when I talk to someone I really don't have physical attraction for, they end up liking me because I think I act my best to them... but with someone I really want to date, I act like 'scared' to be really outgoing.

 

Do you find the similar results with yourself?

[KathyM]

You might want to try a drama coach or a speech therapist who can work with you on making your tone more expressive and body language to go with it.

[lover4721]

You might want to try a drama coach or a speech therapist who can work with you on making your tone more expressive and body language to go with it.

 

I think I'm going to take this advice myself...

 

I feel as if my tone is very low and I'm not too expressive until I know that they like me and I can be myself around them. Body language is the top number one thing that someone notices. I recommend reading books on body language like "Body Language" by Allan Pease. DVD series.

 

OR, try "The Definitive Book of Body Language" by Allan Pease and Barbara Pease.

 

This could help!

 

And practice... go out and use the techniques, strong shoulder, head up high, and see if you get smiles. I was laughing with my sister at the mall and I look over at this girl working this stand and she gives me the brightest smile!

 

I didn't read that book yet, but working on it!

[rgz]

 

Did you ever find that you attract women you don't like? I find that when I talk to someone I really don't have physical attraction for, they end up liking me because I think I act my best to them... but with someone I really want to date, I act like 'scared' to be really outgoing.

 

Do you find the similar results with yourself?

 

This generally isn't the case for me. I got the attention of a fat ugly girl a few weeks ago, but I was just practicing on her. This was an exception. I never get approached by women, so I usually only talk to the ones I'm interested in.

[El Brujo]

My social circle is too small to limit my dating efforts to friends and friends of friends. I need to cast a bigger net.

 

The size of the net doesn't matter; its quality does. Nothing says "I have my s. together" like being a good host of a happenin' meetup.

[rgz]

The size of the net doesn't matter; its quality does. Nothing says "I have my s. together" like being a good host of a happenin' meetup.

 

The net size absolutely matters. The more people you meet, the better your chances of getting dates.

[El Brujo]

The net size absolutely matters. The more people you meet, the better your chances of getting dates.

 

Your meetups will only get bigger if word gets around that your parties aren't a drag. Everyone has to start somewhere!

[rgz]

I completely struck out this weekend, below is a summary. If anyone could give me some feedback, that would be helpful.

 

1. Walking down busy street near my apartment, see a cute girl standing by herself. I approach and ask her for directions to a bus stop. She says she isn't from here and doesn't know where it is. I immediately switch the frame of the conversation, ask her where she is from and why she moved. She is smiling and seems happy to talk with me! I keep up the conversation for a little while and ask for her number. She says she doesn't know her phone number since she just moved a got a new phone, and she didn't have her phone with her, but she then READILY offered to give me her email address. As I'm writing it down on a piece of paper, she looks over my shoulder to make sure I have it written correctly. I write her the next day and never hear back from her. Either she has blown me off, or her email filter is set to send messages from senders not in her address book to go to spam. I'm inclined to think she has blown me off, but I'll never know.

 

2. Girl I met at an improv class, described above. I text her the day after getting her phone number, she quickly fesses up to having a boyfriend. Either she is politely trying to get rid of me, or her story is legit.

 

3. I went to a free yoga at the beach class this evening. I like yoga and legitimately wanted to attend, added benefit of having a favorable male:female ratio. After the class I turn to the girl next to me and ask her a question. She answers quickly, turns away, packs up her stuff and quickly leaves. At this point, most of the other single people have also left, stragglers include groups of women (not good for hitting on) and couples (also not good for hitting on).

 

4. I tried walking down a busy street and talking to girls, but didn't have much success.

 

In summary, another weekend has gone by where I've failed to attract any female interest. I tried several different methods but they all ended with the same result. This is very frustrating for me. Attracting dates seems so simple for so many people, but I'm struggling mightily.

[rgz]

Bueller?...Bueller?...Anyone got a comment for me?