Cheating, but admitted

[CazK88]

Ok, I will try to keep this short, but my now ex girlfriend must have some type of issues. I will start from the top and make my way to what occurred recently.

 

First and foremost, when she and I started to get to know each other, she explained to me that she suffers from clinical depression. In other words, she takes pillls daily and visits and therapist each week. She had a very bad past with relationships and at one point gave me a story about how she attempted to slit her wrists (the marks are there to prove it). So, with all of the symptoms of depressed people, she does have sporadic moments where she is incredibly emotional for no reason, cries over the littlest things, gets moody over the little things, when she gets very moody she blames it on her PMSing, gets fatigued and tired ten-fold to the point that she dozes off behind the steering wheel while driving and when she gets home she literally sleeps with her clothes and make-up still on, and just never really shows much excitement when doing things. Almost in the form of low-self esteem. She was incredibly aggressive at wanting to talk to me, and in fact, before we even got into a relationship, she wanted us to go to an overseas trip (even when we weren't in a relationship). All the while she lives with her Mom and sister, and Dad is working overseas, my ex was the one who was in charge of the mortgage of the home while Mom and her sister (married at 18, but divorced 2 years later, has a 1-year old baby, pays for nothing in the home, and clubs at night while my ex and my ex's Mom babysit) are at home. Might I also add that my ex-GF is foreign (Dominican) and feels that her culture requires the Man to be the leader of the household and pay for everything. (In my mind, why isn't her Dad taking care of the mortgage here in the States then?!) So that's the life she has right now.

 

Now, in the beginning, we got to know each other well. Knew each other for 5 months before getting into the relationship, had dinner, movies, etc., and I felt we were ready to take the next step being couples. When we got together, a week later she was going to her home country for 3 weeks to visit family but out of nowhere cried on my shoulder before she left to say that she really likes me as a guy and does not want me to change or do anything behind her back while she is gone. I recalled she always had a fear of this even when we began talking because she had been cheated on by many ex-bf's in the past. SO that weirded me out. Then, when she returned from her trip, it was not even a month we were in the relationship that her puppy died and from the beginning of the year onward she kept harboring the loss of her puppy and just not letting it go, while chastising me for not being able to help her get through it when I did all I could. Time went on, I had issues at my job, on the verge of losing it, and was focusing a lot of attention to getting a new one like anyone would. There was not a night where my ex did not hear me stop talking about my frustration over my job. She almost sounded disinterested. One time she was sick for a few days and she was home by herself, since we live apart. She called me and was very mad at me for not visitng her to take care of her, but after the phone call, I told her I apologized for not stopping by, but I did stop by and spent the night. A week after that, she and I travelled to that trip we booked months back when we began to talk, and had a good time overseas in Asia. So from then onward I thought that was just a big issue we had but we should have gotten over it...turns out she didn't and use this against me later.

 

It was in June when things started turning fishy. One night we talked and she told me that her feelings are not growing in the relationship. I asked her to explain, and she could not go into detail. She then talked about how she is afraid of love and scared to get hurt again. I reassured her that I would never do anything to hurt her in any way and that we are in this relationship for the long haul. Three days later, she asks me a question about my view on her hanging out with a guy who will bring other guys because they asked her out for a happy hour after work. I told her how uncomfortable that would make me feel, in addition, she and I both agreed early on that we would include each other to events and affairs and not go without one another. She suddenly forgot about that conversation we had.

 

So, everything all hit the fan when one night before we were going to travel to Florida on vacation that she tells me that her feelings and not growing and that she cannot guarantee that they will in the future. She said that she is not fulfilled and that she cannot compare to me as I am doing "everything right". I told her that I am far from perfect and that how could she not be fulfilled when literally every 2-3 months we are travelling the world together?! Just about every other weekend I came over and spent the night at her house when her parents weren't there, we talked every night, we worked out together in the gym for an hour after work...how could she say this?! So it all hit the fan when we were in Florida on vacation and she said that she cheated on me and that she feels guilty and sorry. We both were in tears and she cried even more when she saw me hurt. I asked her to explain why she did this and she said that lately I had been acting "up-tight", talking too much about my job, things seem like a business relationship. Yet, she told me I am doing everything right and that SHE was the one not being fair to me because I am putting a lot in the relationship, and she is not. She said I am a perfect guy and that I should not change. All of this I have heard many times, but don't get big headed because I know I am not perfect. She also said that she is not attracted to me anymore and feels there is no chemistry. Physically, I don't see how she lost attraction when she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage and does not like oral sex. Even when I fingered her (down there) no matter how soft I would do it, it seemed like it makes her scream in pain and it hurts regardless! So maybe I thought emotional attraction she lost for me? She cried the entire time telling me this and throughout the entire vacation. I had given her flowers to cheer her up and surprise her, but she just showed little appreciation. I don't understand!

 

About the cheating: she said they met three times (once at an ice cream place, at dinner and he picked her up from a training session after work and they kissed). They both work with each other in the same office, so that's how they see each other everyday. I am guessing this relationship of theirs had been going on for some time long before June/July.

 

Why all of a sudden this hit the fan out of nowhere? All of a sudden she loses attraction and chemistry for me? She cheated on me? But we do all these things together and she is not fulfilled? This led me to read about clinically depressed people - and it literally answered my questions in a way. They tend to lose interest and withdraw from things they once thought was exciting to them, and just out of nowhere let it go. Maybe she did not take her meds or something, but this really hurt me! I did all I could for this woman, but she just literally messed everything up here and left.

 

So it ended to the point that after we got back from our trip, we had a great time btw, she did not even want to see me or meet up with me to have dinner for the last time. She thought it was "inappropriate and that we were not fit for having dinner, but instead we should talk in my car". She wanted to have no contact, so she could have time to think about things and for my sake to heal, and that [maybe] in the future she would check on me to se how I am doing. All of this to me is 100% B.S., but I granted her space, and we have not talked for a week now.

 

What are your thoughts? I mean, is it a typical thing relationships go through or is it that she just has so many mental issues that we cannot explain what caused her to do these things? Could she come back? Did I do something wrong?

 

Thank you for your insight and time reading this, as this has been a very emotional time for me and my family.

 

Caz

[Darren Steez]

What I got out of that whole big wall of text is that

 

She met someone else

 

She detached from you

 

That's it..

 

Now the space thing might be her testing the waters relationship wise and keeping you around as plan B.

 

Move on buddy

[aliveagain]

Better you found out now that she cheats before you get too serious. This girl has problems you can't fix, stop trying to make sense out of what happened as it will only drive you crazy. Go total crickets on her, no contact, even when you think your being nice by sending her a card on her birthday or Christmas. Time will eventually take care of any thoughts of her. Do things to keep yourself busy. You will never meet the person your supposed to meet if you waste anymore of your thoughts on her. I think you dogged a bullet.

[CazK88]

Better you found out now that she cheats before you get too serious. This girl has problems you can't fix, stop trying to make sense out of what happened as it will only drive you crazy. Go total crickets on her, no contact, even when you think your being nice by sending her a card on her birthday or Christmas. Time will eventually take care of any thoughts of her. Do things to keep yourself busy. You will never meet the person your supposed to meet if you waste anymore of your thoughts on her. I think you dogged a bullet.

 

 

I think you're right. It hurtts to try to understand and think about it, but I am just so stunned and wowed over how great things were, how much she portrayed herself to be so great and that she doesn't do those types of things, etc. Would I want to stay with a mentally unstable person? Absolutely not...I admired that she was honest with me about the cheating, but once a cheater always a cheater.

 

She did say she would send me Happy Birthday regards. I think I'll just say thank you and keep it moving.

[Downtown]

Caz, I agree with Google that you are describing emotionally unstable behaviors that go well beyond those of depression.

Would I want to stay with a mentally unstable person?

The answer, IMO, depends on what the cause of the instability is and on her willingness to fix it. The common causes are drug abuse and a strong hormone change (e.g., as occurs during puberty, pregnancy, or postpartum). Very rarely, instability also can be caused by a brain tumor or head injury. You mention nothing, however, to suggest that any of those factors are occurring.

 

Hence, if they can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). This distinction is important because, whereas bipolar can usually be treated quite successfully by simply swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be treated with medication. Instead, BPD treatment typically requires many years of intensive, weekly therapy to retrain the mind how to think more maturely. Significantly, it is rare for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to be willing to do that.

 

I mention all this because several of the behaviors you describe -- the low self esteem, lack of impulse control, self harming (e.g., wrist cutting), fear of abandonment, and irrational jealousy -- are classic traits of BPD. Moreover, the event-triggered mood changes you describe -- which can start in seconds and typically last only a few hours -- are characteristic of BPD mood changes, not bipolar mood changes. In contrast, bipolar moods typically take two weeks to develop and last for two or three weeks.

 

Importantly, having depression does not rule out either of those other disorders. Indeed, bipolar sufferers swing back and forth between depression and mania. And it is common for BPDers to also have depression too. About 75% of them have a co-occurring mood disorder and a third of BPDers have major depression.

 

If you are interested in spotting the warning signs for BPD and bipolar, I describe 12 differences I've seen between those two disorders at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080. If my description of the BPD traits in that post rings a bell, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. Finally, if you ever feel tempted to take her back when she tires of her new lover, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Caz.

[CazK88]

Caz, I agree with Google that you are describing emotionally unstable behaviors that go well beyond those of depression.The answer, IMO, depends on what the cause of the instability is and on her willingness to fix it. The common causes are drug abuse and a strong hormone change (e.g., as occurs during puberty, pregnancy, or postpartum). Very rarely, instability also can be caused by a brain tumor or head injury. You mention nothing, however, to suggest that any of those factors are occurring.

 

Hence, if they can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). This distinction is important because, whereas bipolar can usually be treated quite successfully by simply swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be treated with medication. Instead, BPD treatment typically requires many years of intensive, weekly therapy to retrain the mind how to think more maturely. Significantly, it is rare for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to be willing to do that.

 

I mention all this because several of the behaviors you describe -- the low self esteem, lack of impulse control, self harming (e.g., wrist cutting), fear of abandonment, and irrational jealousy -- are classic traits of BPD. Moreover, the event-triggered mood changes you describe -- which can start in seconds and typically last only a few hours -- are characteristic of BPD mood changes, not bipolar mood changes. In contrast, bipolar moods typically take two weeks to develop and last for two or three weeks.

 

Importantly, having depression does not rule out either of those other disorders. Indeed, bipolar sufferers swing back and forth between depression and mania. And it is common for BPDers to also have depression too. About 75% of them have a co-occurring mood disorder and a third of BPDers have major depression.

 

If you are interested in spotting the warning signs for BPD and bipolar, I describe 12 differences I've seen between those two disorders at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080. If my description of the BPD traits in that post rings a bell, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. Finally, if you ever feel tempted to take her back when she tires of her new lover, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Caz.

 

 

Thank you, Downtown! I had not considered BPD. Althought it does make sense because I do recall a time trying to hang out with her best friend who is single, and she said she did not want me and her to hang out with her for her fear that she may have interest in me! So in other words, she did not want me near her best friend which I thought was weird. In a way she was trying to say that she feared losing me to her friend.

 

Another moment was when she got concerned about why some of her best friends did not upload pictures of her on Facebook - when in fact - my ex does not like pictures of her on her own Facebook and Instagram. Not even of her boyfriends or relationships. So, something socially is going on with her, and she seems to blame things on other people to avoid her real issue. But I know for a fact that she said she suffers from depression and said she has medication to help it get through it. Without the meds, she tends to get very moody and in a sad, somber state.

 

Caz

[CazK88]

She is unstable. I've dated a lot of unstable girls and she fits the profile. But more importantly, if she isn't attracted to you anymore then there isn't much you can do to fix that unfortunately. The cheating is a nasty addition to that but it sounds to me like the loss of attraction wasn't caused by the cheating, it was already there. Onwards and upwards mate.

 

 

Thanks, Brick. Based on our conversation, the real issue was that it appeared to be no excitement since the start. I had never been told that by any woman in my life, but she does. Afterall, we had travelled to three places ina 7 month timeframe, one of which was 16 hours across the globe in Asia. How could there be a lack of excitement?!

 

Attraction - I have a feeling this is more in line with emotional and mental attraction. Since she didn't want to have sex until after marriage, which I respected, anytime we would do things physically (in terms of me fingering her .....), she said it would always hurt and I would be as gentle as ever. It made me wonder if she had been raped of assaulted sexually down there.

 

Caz

[CazK88]

I wouldn't buy the no excitement line as you've been away so much. Maybe when you're not away it applies. People breaking up don't tell the truth though, they can say things to make their reasons seem valid, to let the other person down gently, to hurt the other person, to convince themselves of what they're doing... It's an emotionally taxing time for the person doing the breaking up as well, and I'd take things with a pinch of salt. Most of the time the reason is the passion has gone, the attraction has left and thats it. Of course, perhaps the reasons she has given are accurate, but if thats the case then how are you ever going to keep this girl entertained if 3 holidays in 7 months didn't do the trick?!

 

 

Brick, understandable. When she and I talked about this she could not stop crying. Cried her heart out, and she said she hated the fact that she could not grow her feelings. But, she still did me wrong by cheating on me. So, my main question is this, Brick: Would she come back to me?

 

She kept saying you never know what may happen in the future. But she also said that she wants to be friends but after a long time before we contact each other again. She said she wants to be the one to initiate it all. On the last day we saw each other, she basically just wanted to avoid me all together like not see me anymore, not go to the same gym we used to, not call, anything. Is she doing this because she feels guilty and just doesn't want me to remind her of what she did?

 

Caz

[ChessPieceFace]

Good.

 

God.

 

The sooner you extract this disaster of a person from your life, the better off you will be.

[CazK88]

Good.

 

God.

 

The sooner you extract this disaster of a person from your life, the better off you will be.

 

Oh, without a doubt. She made the first move and dumped me because she felt "guilty" she couldn't even look at me anymore. She felt that we weren't fit to even talk or meet up one last time. Come to think of it, she really is a selfish B****. She played like everything was fine and dandy up until she gave me the news. I hope the next relationship she is in she suffers painfully - and I don't mean that lightly.