Do you think MM/MW would cheat on you if you were in the same boat as the BS?

[threelaurels]

Do you think your MM/MW would cheat on you if your relationship was in the same boat as their relationship with the BS is (i.e. sexless, loveless, like roommates, staying because of obligations, etc.)?

 

If yes, why? Would you try to prevent cheating from occurring? Do you think MM/MW would ultimately choose to stay with you over ending the relationship?

 

If not, why? How is your relationship with MM/MW different from their relationship with the BS?

 

Replies from former APs and BSs also welcome.

[tinker683]

I think they would, yes.

 

After all, if they can justify it to one partners for X reasons, they can justify it with another partner for the exact same. Not to say they necessarily would...just that I think the probability is high.

[threelaurels]

I have no idea why the post has a sunglasses smiley face next to it. That's what I get for posting this from my phone. I can't edit it out now, so... sorry! I didn't mean for it to come off condescending or anything :/

[Got it]

Do you think your MM/MW would cheat on you if your relationship was in the same boat as their relationship with the BS is (i.e. sexless, loveless, like roommates, staying because of obligations, etc.)?

 

If yes, why? Would you try to prevent cheating from occurring? Do you think MM/MW would ultimately choose to stay with you over ending the relationship?

 

If not, why? How is your relationship with MM/MW different from their relationship with the BS?

 

Replies from former APs and BSs also welcome.

 

In a general big picture stance, my answer would be maybe. Because I don't rule out that anyone would cheat in the "right" situation or the perfect storm.

 

But I don't know that we would ever have the same dynamic that prompted him to cheat (getting pregnant within a few months of dating, teens, married to qualify to buy a house, finding out about her affair, distance for years, coparenting, etc.) There were so many dynamics at play there that I don't think without it he would have cheated. Finding out about her affair well after it happened, understanding why she was treating him the way she did, still suspecting that she may have had an abortion during the affair, the rage during this period, the lack of remorse when he did find out and basically told "get over it it's over", I just struggle to find us ever in the same situation.

 

I believe that he wanted the marriage to work and while there was a lot that wasn't perfect he would have continued to make the best as he loved being there every day with his kids.

 

For us, we don't have kids, we are both high earners so there isn't a worry about financial sustainability for either party, and neither one planning on staying if the other cheats.

 

For us, we have done a lot of work, and continue to do a lot of work, on ourselves. We are both very proactive on CC and IC and continuing to strengthen the relationship and ourselves. We are, I think, very conscious of the slippery slopes not only towards an affair but just the disconnect in the relationship. Unlike their relationship where they would just let issues lie and just avoided the conflict, I continue pushing things and as he says "I won't let him shut down".

 

For myself, there are many differences in the relationship and with myself than what I had prior with my ex. But the biggest and most important difference is I refuse to accept less than and will not allow myself to justify a disconnect. I have zero interest in developing or connecting with anyone from the opposite sex. I have zero interest and work very hard to be my complete authentic self in my relationship and not compartmentalize different aspects of myself which is what I have done in prior relationships and in my marriage. I am completely 100% myself which is a vulnerable state for me but an issue from my childhood that I know I have to work through. And I monitor myself on justifications on poor coping mechanisms.

 

I can't say we will never have one of us cheat. That just isn't realistic anymore in my eyes. But today I know that neither one wants to, we saw the pain from our actions, it honestly is just too much effort than either one wants to expel, and we choose to be actively involved in us and working on us.

 

These are the only things we feel we can do to strengthen our relationship, I don't know if there is actually anything you can do do prevent cheating as it really is a decision for the individual to make. There is no way to make the relationship so perfect that neither party will consider it at some point. It is just that moment time out moment at the top of the slippery slope and self evaluation.

 

It's a gamble in any relationship. I think because we have dealt with an affair we have more understanding and knowledge than a couple that have never thought of affairs and what it entails. So there is an awareness there and the thoughts, feelings, and actions involved.

 

Ultimately I have no control over him. I just have control over myself and the commitments I make to us and to myself and what I want for myself. It has been a very humbling experience and I see my actions since college in a different light than how I viewed them then. I see the actions that led to the affair years in the making. I see many actions and thought processes that I am not happy about and have worked hard on changing. That is all I can do. Commit today, learn from the past, and hope for the best for the future.

[So happy together]

I can't say with absolute certainty that he wouldn't. I will say however that I can pretty much guarantee that we would never let our R get to such a low point. Even now, if we feel things are not where they should be, we make a concerted effort to make things right. We are very active in our happiness.

 

It's almost impossible to answer this question, really, because I am not like her. I like sex. I like being close. I like doing the same things he does. I'm not an alcoholic. It's just impossible to say.

 

My bf only had one affair, it was an exit affair after 30 years of horrible. I'd say most likely that if he would put up with misery for that long, that he wouldn't bail on me if there were hard times. But the biggest part is that we are far to aware of one another's feelings for things to ever spiral that far down.

[MissBee]

A question that plagued me during the A was whether or not this was a "special circumstance" or simply his nature. From what I've seen of him, I wouldn't bet that he wouldn't, he perhaps would, as unlike some people who claimed they were doing it because of sexless, loveless etc. he never said anything like that, he said that nothing was wrong with their relationship, he just loved me and her too. Therefore, I feel he probably just has poor boundaries and since marriage or being with someone doesn't prevent attraction to others, I don't see why he wouldn't potentially feed other attractions.

 

In any case, we aren't together, and that's one reason why....I don't think I'd have ever been 100% confident in him after what I observed in the A.

[whichwayisup]

Would you try to prevent cheating from occurring?

 

You can try to make someone not cheat on you, but at the end of the day if someone is going to cheat, they'll cheat. It's their decision. As wrong as it is, obviously it happens.

[MissBee]

Mm would have cheated no matter what state any relationship was in. It's called a serial cheater. I don't believe all his lies that he wasn't sleeping with his w, that he slept on the couch, that they were just roommates..etc. it's all lies. Would I try to prevent it if I were with him. Well yes but my means of preventing would be illegal. Also if I knew what I knew now and had put all the puzzle pieces together I wouldn't want him anyhow.

Our relationship was different because it was an A. Affairs are fantasy. I was the escape from mundane life. I didn't represent financial responsibility or any of the hard life bumps in the road. There is no way to compare my relationship with him to hers.

 

And that's the truth of it sometimes isn't it?

 

If you're in a secret affair, with its constrains, for months or even a few years, the playing field isn't level at all in terms of some comparisons. A 20 year, out in the open relationship with a family and everything else LTRs contain just won't have the same points of comparison as a 1 year A or even 5 year secret A, for better or worse.

 

It's only when you've transitioned into an open LTR, that things may become more level in seeing how this person behaves under "normal relationship circumstances." Just like most marriages don't get sour until a while in, although sometimes APs speak as if from day one it was bad, logically, an A relationship is no different, in that it won't show its potential for going sour until given that chance.

[HopingAgain]

And that's the truth of it sometimes isn't it?

 

If you're in a secret affair, with its constrains, for months or even a few years, the playing field isn't level at all in terms of some comparisons. A 20 year, out in the open relationship with a family and everything else LTRs contain just won't have the same points of comparison as a 1 year A or even 5 year secret A, for better or worse.

 

It's only when you've transitioned into an open LTR, that things may become more level in seeing how this person behaves under "normal relationship circumstances." Just like most marriages don't get sour until a while in, although sometimes APs speak as if from day one it was bad, logically, an A relationship is no different, in that it won't show its potential for going sour until given that chance.

 

This is very true. For all the reasons you wrote, this is part of the reason why transitioning from an affair into a LTR or marriage can be so problematic. You've already seen how your partner handles marital strain, and the affair is the reaction to that strain...so in reality its the foundation of the relationshipv once the transition is made.

[LilGirlandOW]

I cant say for 100% certainty, although, I highly doubt MM would cheat on me, aside from the history, assets and kids... My "style" of partnership is what he's always wanted.... never had with BS.... what he hopes to retire and grow old"er" (lol) with (bahhh).

 

As far as the searching for new and different goes. I am a bisexual and we have(had) a very cut and dry set of rules that would allow new and exciting experiences sexually.

 

I am attentive and care for my man on all bases, and always have his back, listen to his stories and issues, share the same interests.... so if he were to have cheated on me, would have blown my mind.

[threelaurels]

I cant say for 100% certainty, although, I highly doubt MM would cheat on me, aside from the history, assets and kids... My "style" of partnership is what he's always wanted.... never had with BS.... what he hopes to retire and grow old"er" (lol) with (bahhh).

 

As far as the searching for new and different goes. I am a bisexual and we have(had) a very cut and dry set of rules that would allow new and exciting experiences sexually.

 

I am attentive and care for my man on all bases, and always have his back, listen to his stories and issues, share the same interests.... so if he were to have cheated on me, would have blown my mind.

 

Unfortunately, being sexually adventurous and open to new things does not safeguard against boredom or being cheated on. I've done group sex, had sex in front of a crowd of 20+ people, been on a spanking bench and St. Andrew's cross numerous times, and have even been set on fire during sex. There are very few things I wouldn't try once. Yet, I still got cheated on. My most recent ex and I were having sex 3+ times a day and he still went elsewhere for more sex.

 

I am also a very empathetic person, tend to put others before myself, and have always tried my best to be a supportive partner. In the end, none of that mattered.

[HopingAgain]

Unfortunately, being sexually adventurous and open to new things does not safeguard against boredom or being cheated on. I've done group sex, had sex in front of a crowd of 20+ people, been on a spanking bench and St. Andrew's cross numerous times, and have even been set on fire during sex. There are very few things I wouldn't try once. Yet, I still got cheated on. My most recent ex and I were having sex 3+ times a day and he still went elsewhere for more sex.

 

I am also a very empathetic person, tend to put others before myself, and have always tried my best to be a supportive partner. In the end, none of that mattered.

 

Right. I wish people would learn that cheating is NOT about what kind of partner you are, it's about the other persons capability and willingness to cheat. Period. You could have sex 10 times a day, be a better listener than Oprah, and be a world class chef, massuese, mom, friend, and intellectual wiz...and STILL it will not matter to a man or woman who is determined to cheat or who just has a inclination towards cheating for whatever reason. This area is where many AP can not come to terms with reality!

[So happy together]

Right. I wish people would learn that cheating is NOT about what kind of partner you are, it's about the other persons capability and willingness to cheat. Period. You could have sex 10 times a day, be a better listener than Oprah, and be a world class chef, massuese, mom, friend, and intellectual wiz...and STILL it will not matter to a man or woman who is determined to cheat or who just has a inclination towards cheating for whatever reason. This area is where many AP can not come to terms with reality!

 

So we are back to the fact that there is no redemption? If the person cheated once, they will cheat again and again? They should not be in relationships because they will never be trustworthy? How do you explain the couples (not me, long term couples) that began as an affair and are still happily together, and there has not been cheating?

[So happy together]

Revolutionary road, all situations are different, but everything I wrote my husband has also told our OW and I heard her acknowledge what he had told me all along...it was a sex only thing with no strings and no promises...her response was, I know, I fooled myself into thinking you changed your mind...so yep, I am sure what I wrote is accurate of my situation, which I know bugs people because it illustrates that many mm are not lying to their wives about what the affair was all about and that many OW really were just a pawn in a sick twisted game...

 

Stronger, you know, if it was only a sex thing you have a much higher chance of your R being happy long term.

[canuckprincess]

If or when mm and I are in a committed relationship, if he cheats that's fine. If the ow does laundry and free babysitting then he can bring her home lmfao. Seriously, due to the open communication we have I seriously don't think he'll cheat on me, besides I know his style so guaranteed he'd get caught. I'm not saying I'm smarter then a bs, I'm just a little more suspicious then most.

[HopingAgain]

So we are back to the fact that there is no redemption? If the person cheated once, they will cheat again and again? They should not be in relationships because they will never be trustworthy? How do you explain the couples (not me, long term couples) that began as an affair and are still happily together, and there has not been cheating?

 

Of course there's redemption, if the persons involved accept that they were wrong to engage in that cheating behavior and work to change it. And blaming the BS for what happened is not fixing or changing. Chances are that couples who go on to start an relationship after an affair and DON'T go on cheating realize this and learn to accept it and embrace it. And unfortunately they are few and far between.

[HopingAgain]

If or when mm and I are in a committed relationship, if he cheats that's fine. If the ow does laundry and free babysitting then he can bring her home lmfao. Seriously, due to the open communication we have I seriously don't think he'll cheat on me, besides I know his style so guaranteed he'd get caught. I'm not saying I'm smarter then a bs, I'm just a little more suspicious then most.

 

Even being more suspicious or aware that your partner may cheat won't deter someone who wants to. They'll find a way around it.

[canuckprincess]

Even being more suspicious or aware that your partner may cheat won't deter someone who wants to. They'll find a way around it.

 

7.5 years exactly today and he hasn't cheated on me yet. Like I said before it could happen but highly unlikely. I don't think he would risk it, I'm not better then a bs I'm just different.

[HopingAgain]

7.5 years exactly today and he hasn't cheated on me yet. Like I said before it could happen but highly unlikely. I don't think he would risk it, I'm not better then a bs I'm just different.

 

Are you 2 married now? And how are you different from a BS, or do you just mean the BS in your scenario?

[canuckprincess]

Are you 2 married now? And how are you different from a BS, or do you just mean the BS in your scenario?

 

Being that years ago I was a bs, I'm not saying Im better or different from other bs. I am just different then the bs in my current situation. And no we are not married, he is still in his marriage. I'm ok with that at this very moment, that could change anytime.

Edited July 20, 2013 by canuckprincess

[MissBee]

If or when mm and I are in a committed relationship, if he cheats that's fine. If the ow does laundry and free babysitting then he can bring her home lmfao. Seriously, due to the open communication we have I seriously don't think he'll cheat on me, besides I know his style so guaranteed he'd get caught. I'm not saying I'm smarter then a bs, I'm just a little more suspicious then most.

 

Catching him means he's already cheating....

[sweet_pea]

If or when mm and I are in a committed relationship, if he cheats that's fine. If the ow does laundry and free babysitting then he can bring her home lmfao. Seriously, due to the open communication we have I seriously don't think he'll cheat on me, besides I know his style so guaranteed he'd get caught. I'm not saying I'm smarter then a bs, I'm just a little more suspicious then most.

 

BS' have known their WS' "styles" for decades... and still, the WS was able to have an affair.

 

Point being, not a single person is immune to being cheated on. No matter how long you've been together, how much you think you know a person, how hot you are, how in love you are, etc. That will not stop someone from cheating if that is what they want to do.

[threelaurels]

So we are back to the fact that there is no redemption? If the person cheated once, they will cheat again and again? They should not be in relationships because they will never be trustworthy? How do you explain the couples (not me, long term couples) that began as an affair and are still happily together, and there has not been cheating?

 

The "once a cheater, always a cheater" adage is far too simplified. Cheating occurs for many reasons. Some people cheat because their needs, whether emotional or physical, are not being met in a relationship. Some people's needs are being met, but they simply cheat because they want a little bit extra and think they won't be caught.

 

In many cases, cheating arises as a result of both the circumstances and the nature of the cheater themselves. Whether or not a person cheats ultimately comes down to something inside the cheater. People can be in unhappy relationships and not cheat. People can be in happy relationships and cheat. The difference between a cheater and a non-cheater is simply that a cheater chooses to cheat. External and internal motivators play a role, but it all falls back on a conscious decision.

 

Classical conditioning teaches us that behavior can be shaped by rewards and punishments. This logic has been replicated many, many times in experiments and has always had copious amounts of support. When we receive a reward for a behavior, we are more likely to repeat that behavior in the future. When we receive a punishment, we are less likely to do the same.

 

If a person is unhappy in a relationship, starting an affair can be a reward. Whether or not the reward is the positive feelings that emerge from the affair or the ability to escape the relationship depends on the situation. The resulting fallout from the affair is the punishment. When the punishment for cheating outweighs the reward, the person is less likely to cheat again in the future. When the reward outweighs the punishment, the person is more likely to cheat again in the future.

 

A person who leaves the BS for the AP can be seen as having received some sort of reward as a result of the cheating. They have presumably left what was an unhappy situation for them using the affair as an escape route. If the relationship with the AP deteriorates and the WS becomes unhappy, they are more likely to behave in the same way that they did before because they received a reward last time they did it. They escaped the unhappiness of the situation by cheating. When they want to escape again, they will cheat over other options because they are already predisposed to the idea that cheating leads to a reward.

 

A former AP and a former WS who maintain a relationship without cheating are either (a) content with the relationship and have no current internal or external motivators for cheating, or (b) the punishment for cheating outweighs the rewards. Keep in mind that the punishment for cheating varies depending on the circumstances. A person may perceive cheating on one partner to be a greater risk than cheating on another partner for various reasons.

 

Of course, most people don't calculate all of this as one would with a cost/benefit analysis, but it tends to happen on its own whether consciously or unconsciously. Whether or not people are capable of dealing with emotionally complex matters in a completely rational manner is also up for debate. My explanation of this process is very basic and obviously does not cover the complexity of most situations.

[cocorico]

Do you think your MM/MW would cheat on you if your relationship was in the same boat as their relationship with the BS is (i.e. sexless, loveless, like roommates, staying because of obligations, etc.)?

 

If yes, why? Would you try to prevent cheating from occurring? Do you think MM/MW would ultimately choose to stay with you over ending the relationship?

 

If not, why? How is your relationship with MM/MW different from their relationship with the BS?

 

Replies from former APs and BSs also welcome.

 

I think the question is a bit too broad to answer as phrased, so I'll unpick it a little.

 

Do I think our R would ever become like theirs (loveless, sexless, staying because of obligations, etc) - no, because the basic situation had always been different. He did not "rescue" me from an unhappy situation, we did not drift into a R, him taking me in because I had nowhere else to go, us living together for years, deciding to get M when the tax regime changed and maintaining our current lifestyle became I,possible as two separate people, I did not trick him into becoming a parent and then guilt-trip him into staying to provide a stable home for the kids, I am not terminally broken and he is not worried I will not be able to live alone, he is not bound to me by obligations (shared kids, jointly owned property, etc). OTC, we chose to get together, we chose to be together, we got M because we wanted to be together all the time, we stay together because every morning we choose to be together. We love each other, we desire each other, can't keep our hands off each other, do work things, fun things and serious things together, we do not live past each other in the same space, as they did. We are clearly a couple, as anyone can tell, unlike they were even in the early days, when their roommates would hit on him because they did not know they were "together" even though they all lived in the same house and should have been able to see.

 

Do I believe that, if something beyond our control happened, and we were unable to have the R we have now, that he / I might need sex elsewhere? Who knows, it's possible I guess. We are both highly sexual, and so if that was denied us with each other, we may need another outlet. It may be solo, but who knows? I don't have a crystal ball.

 

Do I believe that, if he / I needed sex elsewhere, he / I would go about getting it dishonestly? No, we have a very open R. We tell each other what we want and need. I am very direct, and he has become so. He had tried telling her, but got ignored, for decades, so eventually stopped trying. He has reverted to his natural way of being, before she conditioned him out of it. It feels natural and comfortable for both of us.

 

Would I try to prevent him of he wanted to "cheat"? Of course not! He's free to do what he wants. We are together because we choose to be, not because of obligation or fear.

 

Would he choose to remain with me - only as long as it was what we both wanted, and it worked for both of us. If the R was no longer what we wanted or needed, we'd move on. We've seen how much damage unloving, sexless, obligatory Rs can do. We love each other far too much to do that to each other.

[seren]

I was one of the, it will never happen to us people. I knew (thought I did) H better than he knew himself, our marriage and relationship has love, like, lust and laughter far more than the day to day hiccups marriages go through. When anyone spoke about us, they always commented on how together we were, how they wanted a relationshp like ours. I was a very successful, professional, confident person, H not so much so, but we balanced each other and fit completely. We had always said we would talk before cheating, and then came the circumstances that led to the A and the world and my presumptions blew up in my face.

 

I have learned since D Day, that no marriage, relationship or whatever is immune to infidelity, that there are no types, can be no signs or warnings and that we all hope with all that we have that we have the key to it never happening to us. Until it does.

 

A marriage or relationship can go through rough times, H and I had a few, but we worked together to sort out our problems. When H had the A, it was a problem with him, he acknowledges that, I acknowledge that I should have spotted he had a problem, but as he and I were talking about our stuff, he still loving, liking and lusting and us still planning our life and future an A was so off field and out of character I might as well have assumed he was planning world domination.

 

Had I changed so much, denied sex, turned into a monster or whatever, then I would have expected him to talk about it and if I didn't change, then to leave. Having an A is not the way to fix a marriage, fix yourself or keep a family together. It has nothing to do with the marriage as that is betwen the two married people and clearly A's, by their very nature, exclude the BS.

 

If the XAP and XWS have a relationship after the A, then I imagine they start out with the same promises and expectations of honesty as the rest of us. To assume that an XAP and XWS have any special immunity is, IMHO, not taking into account that the XBS and XWS also had these talks and promises at the start. There are a lot of things on my CV, but naivety, denial and hiding my head in the sand aren't some of them. I think that a relationship that starts in an A has as much chance of succeeding as any and as much chance of becoming a statistic to infidelity as any other, with one exception, the people in it know that the other may deal with problems by having an A, so might make them more suspicious. Frankly, I wish I had that at the beginning of my mariage, but it wouldn't have changed things all those years down the line, 22 years of suspicion would have killed us dead in the water. But as much as I hope with all my heart it will never happen again, I will never, ever say never.

 

I hope no XOW/OM have to deal with infidelity, ever.