jsapphire Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I am truly confused. I have been married for 5 years and my husband and I only have sex once every few months. It has been like this for several years. I have explained to him time and time again that I want more intimacy in our relationship and it is totally unfair what he is doing to me. I feel trapped. I don't want to leave him over this, but I can't keep living this way. He has no sex drive. I feel like he is not attracted to me. I know I am an attractive young lady who does not have problems attracting men. He claims he has erectile dysfunction so he ordered some Cealis. Well that was about 10 months ago. He ordered 10 pills and he still has 3 left. 2 of them were not even used. He took them, and then fell asleep. I find myself sinking into a depression over this. I am not a sex manic, but I just want to have a normal sex life. I feel like I am being cut short. I did not sign up for a sex-less marriage! I have already told him time and time again how I feel. He avoids the subject and then we end up fighting over it. I know he is not cheating because he was a virgin when we got together and I trust him 110%. I would never cheat, but I have thoughts and fantasies too. I don’t know what else to do. I told him I was going to order me some toys and his response was, “go ahead” I really need some advice. Thanks[color=violet][/color][color=black][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
dizi Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Gosh, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this...I think I would be pretty upset over this too, so don't think that your feelings aren't justified. I just LOVE when men make it clear to you that what YOU want isn't really that important... You say that this has been going on for a few years-was sex a lot better before? Have there been any big changes in his life like stress, illness, death in the family, trauma, moving, new job, more hours, etc? Do you have children? What happens when you initiate sex? Did he get the Cealis from a doctor or a website? If he has erectile dysfunction and wants to make you happy, he will make an appointment with a doctor, get help, and stick with it. I would also suggest counseling for the both of you, and if he doesn't go for that, go by yourself. Let him know that you love him, you need intimacy (which you already have, I know), and you are willing to go to counseling. If he isn't willing to make any effort, avoids the subject, minimizes your feelings, and doesn't know how to discuss it without it turning into a fight-well, perhaps you will need to leave. I know that marriage is more than sex, but come on! 10 pills for 10 months...woo woo! DO get some counseling for yourself first. I know, easier said than done, but this must be taking its toll on your self esteem, too...try not to get depressed over this. Remember that you are beautiful... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Good chance he feels like he's disappointing you, and doesn't feel like a 'real' man because of his problem. So he hides it, hoping that it might not be a big deal towards you. He's not going to admit these feelings, and that's the reason why he is defensive and the fighting starts. He should see a doctor, and perhaps a sex counselor. Not sure what is causing the problem, could be physical, or mental. Maybe he was sexually abused as a child? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsapphire Posted October 26, 2004 Author Share Posted October 26, 2004 Well thanks for the input. I really need to hear the other side of this. I am not holding it against him, but he refuses to do anything about it. he has had ample opportunity to go to the doctor. He is embarrassed to talk about his problem. I have recommended that he get testosterone shots and he said he is not taking shots because they hurt. I have suggested marriage counseling and he does not believe in psychology. He HATES to be wrong about anything, so I think that is why he will not consider counseling. He knows the counselor will tell him he can’t go on like this. I know he loves me, but he is not willing to go the extra mile. To me that seems selfish. It has really put a strain on our relationship. Wouldn’t a male want to satisfy his wife and try to keep her happy. I am not asking for sex everyday. I would be happy if I just could get it once a week! I find myself getting jealous of all my girlfriends talking about their sex lives and all the fun they have. I cannot bring myself to talk to them about my problem. I feel embarrassed that my own husband will not be intimate with me. H e is a very intelligent individual with great aspiration on life, but when it comes to the home front, I am not a top priority for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsapphire Posted October 26, 2004 Author Share Posted October 26, 2004 I have considered leaving a hundred times, but leaving over sex seem so trivial to me. I mean it is a HUGE deal, but it is something we can work through. I think he is in denial about the whole thing. He knows he has a problem, but not willing to work on fixing it. Sex was great in the beginning, but somehow fizzled out. I am not sure how it happened. He ordered the Cialis online because he is too self-conscious to go to the Dr. I have one daughter who is 7. I had her prior to our relationship. He has been her “dad” ever since she was 1, so that is not the problem. We also want to have other children, but I don’t see that happening on this rate. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I am sorry for what you are going through. Have you tried posing an ultimatum to your husband? Maybe that will get him in gear and let him know you're serious. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Ultimatums usually sound good if someone feels they don't know what else to do. However, rarely do they work. The reason being, sure it might get them to do something YOU want, but sometimes they will backfire simply because they are doing it for the person that asked, not for themselves.. Until they decide to do something or want to do something for themselves to try and change, it will probably continue in that pattern. Good luck. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Danagin Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 I don't know about leaving him over this... Marriage is a life long commitment. I don't think I would be easy for me to go to the doctor or a shrink to talk about my tools not functioning correctly to be quite honestly. Have you tried getting some sexy see through lingerie ?;-) Maybe even going out and having a good time (you know have a few drinks, or not) and just making things interesting. The only thing about that would be that if he didn't go for it, that would be a big blow to your esteem. Do you guys laugh alot. Or do you guys have a very serious type of attitude towards life. I think the best relationships are more laid back ones where you laugh alot. When things get so serious in a relationship I'm really not as sexually interested. But when we joke around and have a good time with each other things are great. Someone asked earlier if he has had death in the family or financial troubles lately. I know if I'm having money problems I'm not as sexually interested. Maybe you are putting to much pressure on him. That's about all I can think of. As with everyone else, sorry for your troubles. Oh yeah, pray... I don't think it is wrong to pray for sex in a marriage. But maybe that's just me I pray for guidance in every problem that I face. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCrifleman Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 jsapphire I feel for you. I have been married for almost 8 years and I am experiencing the same thing from my wife. I seem to always be longing for the affection and closeness that we used to share. I don’t believe that she is having an affair. I just don’t know where we have lost our bond with each other. I have tried all the “crap” that everyone says will work. I asked her out on dates for just the 2 of us, bought lingerie, tried the romantic getaway. It never seems to rekindle the flame of our passion. I still have the deepest feelings for her and I am not interested in anyone else. I have tried telling her that I still feel this way; that she is the one that my heart burns for and that I am concerned that we are drifting away from each other. She always reassures me that we are “okay” and “stop worrying”. I feel somewhat better knowing that there are people out there that are going through the same thing as me. I am sorry that I don’t have the “magic” cure for you, but know that I struggle with you. I can only say that just knowing that there are others like us out there that I can continue to work towards a solution. Sorry so long winded. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Rifleman.. I am going to put an anology to your problem. I'm into animals (K-9 training) so bear with me on this. When you first start training a puppy, you want that 'bond' with them. A bond so tight that you know this dog would die for you. You want to have this dog following you, not you chasing it. So, when the pup is about 10 weeks old, the worst thing you can do to a puppy is chase him. To get the puppy to come to you, have someone hold it back, while you call it. Let the puppy struggle and have your friend release it. While the puppy is coming towards you, run away from it. You now have the puppy wanting to be with you, wanting your friendship and companionship. Do this enough times and you are guaranteed a dog that has a very tight bond with you. This kinda works with relationships to. Don't you see you have been chasing her? Asking her for dates, trying to be affectionate, etc.. It's not working. What you really want is her to come to you. How do you do that? Just about the same way you would with a puppy. Don't have anymore 'talks' with her. Don't keep asking her about the relationship. All that does is get her to thinking you don't trust in her & the relationship. When asking 'Are we ok?' it's a huge turnoff to women. Don't act cold towards her, but also don't be the first to say 'I love you' all the time. Let her come to you, give her the space to do that. Even if it means going for days without hugging or kissing her, at least when you know she comes up to you then you truly know it's from her heart. Not just a reaction to 'your' kiss. Let her kiss you. Let her wonder some. By doing this kinda thing you'll get her thinking. Right now she knows you aren't going to leave her. By doing this, you'll get her thinking otherwise, which will make her appreciate you more. Trust me, it works. I had the same problem with my wife. It was hard at first, but within' a couple of days I had her coming to me. When she finally does come to you, show your appreciation, but don't pounce her like a puppy. Remember this has to be a an ongoing thing. Some women also like a 'challenge' by their mate, even though they are married to them. To me, that's kinda stuipid but I guess everyone is different. Also know that you are worth being with, and show that. Women like confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyInNJ Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 Hi! Sorry to hear about your dilemma. My wife and I went through that same issue. I withheld as much as she did. The root cause was communication, and it reared it's ugly head in the form of witholding affection. Believe me, I am sure your husband has a healthy sex drive. He's probably taking matters into his own hand (literally and figuratively). We talked it over many times, and were able to become closer as a result. Please see if there is some sort of anger or unresolved issue from yourself or your husband. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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