2 years in and its looking like the end of the road

[rockyboat]

We met 7 years ago in college. I fell madly in love with her, she was by far the cutest girl I had ever met and I couldnt believe my luck when she agreed to go out with me. She made me a better person and opened my eyes to the world.

 

5 years later, we got married and she moved countries. I promptly (after 1 year of egging on) left my job and moved to join her where she was, but not before that 1 year spent apart had been filled with humongous fights and massive accusations on who had let whom down by creating a long distance marriage.

 

1 year ago, when I moved countries, I left my well paid job to be suddenly unemployed. This was a massive shock to me and very hard to deal with after being on top my class in all areas of career etc. throughout life. I felt I had made a massive sacrifice for her and my moving countries would be one of the accepted cornerstones of our relationship. To a large extent I felt I had done a massive act (I was 28) which had to be acknowledged implicitly if not explicitly.

 

After I moved (and about 12 months ago), my wife started gaining significant amounts of weight. She went from a healthy 130 lbs to 180 lbs in a period of 24 months, a lot of which she ascribes to me because I put her through misery of 1 year staying apart when I did not quit my job soon enough and left her alone in the new country, which she says led to her overeating.

 

This has led to a massive distance between us with our sex life almost dying out. I am sorry to say that I feel no physical attraction towards her any more and sex is out of the question. I am no adonis but try to keep fit and have taken care of myself over the years. This has led to a lot of resentment in my mind for her, and i find this fattiness disgusting.

 

When i finally admitted all this to her, she completely lost it, calling me all sort of names and threatening to throw me out of the house. By this time I had found a new job in the country i had moved to and was doing extremely well and hence took quite an offence to being told to get out of the house, like I was some sort of useless parasite.

 

As things continued, they got worse. I couldn't bear to look at her, and all her gym efforts bore no fruit. It has now come to a situation where everything has become about her weight, even though she has gotten a lot more nasty in general and the fights have become uglier. Add to that, she has become a bit of a recluse, no longer being the interesting personality she used to be. She has become inward and prefers to stay home and watch TV. Something I have no interest whatsoever in.

 

I am a husband who has no issues in playing an equal role in household chores (Despite the fact i work longer hours than my wife). I pamper her regularly with gifts and massages. I cook special meals every few weeks. I get close to NOTHING in return.

 

I am not at a stage in my life where i feel i can deal with this. I am still 29, attractive, have a great career, make great money and travel around the world regularly. I cant see any reason to stay in this marriage. I would rather be single and see if I can find love again. I feel I am worthy of better treatment and this is bull**** to be getting back. I cannot imagine another 50 years of this daily ****.

 

Before anyone flames me for being shallow, bear in mind my wife is only 29. We haven't had kids, and live in a city where EVERYONE is obsessed with their health and appearances, making weight gain close to blasphemous.

 

I dont know if i am being a dickhead and whether there is any way to resolve this. I have told her I am willing to wait as long it takes, but without our sex life back, which cannot happen without her losing weight, we will not have a successful marriage for the next 50 years.

 

We're at a stage where we're looking at separation in a matter of weeks. Does anyone have any advice? Please tell me if I am being a completely d**khead. Please dont flame me for the sake of it. This is my life.

[Balzac]

Seems to me logic would tell you "be gone". This cruise on the marriage ship ended years ago.

[rockyboat]

Seems to me logic would tell you "be gone". This cruise on the marriage ship ended years ago.

 

thanks. care to elaborate?

[Balzac]

I'll ask you a Q about why marriage then a move by her to another country? That's IMHO manageable for a brief, finite period, measured in under a year.

Care to fill us in???

 

She's putting her coping by means of eating at your feet which is preposterous.

[rockyboat]

I'll ask you a Q about why marriage then a move by her to another country? That's IMHO manageable for a brief, finite period, measured in under a year.

Care to fill us in???

 

She's putting her coping by means of eating at your feet which is preposterous.

 

She moved to another country because she found an amazing job.

[Balzac]

OK, got that. One then questions a delay of your joining her by 1 year. Did you two visit each other during that year?

[rockyboat]

OK, got that. One then questions a delay of your joining her by 1 year. Did you two visit each other during that year?

 

I came to London every 2-3 months to see her

[Balzac]

Weirdest part is her obesity after you moved.

 

I'd be done w her but I've already stated that. I'm not sure what you're seeking here because she's sexually repulsive to you.

[rockyboat]

Weirdest part is her obesity after you moved.

 

I'd be done w her but I've already stated that. I'm not sure what you're seeking here because she's sexually repulsive to you.

 

I just dont know if this weight issue is big enough to end a marriage. I am seeking some conventional wisdom. Maybe thats stupid or maybe it isnt. But what does this usually mean for other folks who're married?

[Balzac]

You need to hear from other LS posters. No kids, sexually halted, that's friendship at best. I hope you find answers here.

[rockyboat]

You need to hear from other LS posters. No kids, sexually halted, that's friendship at best. I hope you find answers here.

 

thank you. that does not sound promising. I will wait for some more guidance.

[Balzac]

I'm but one opinion here. Trust me you'll hear a diversity of opinions, suggestions, shared experiences. Stay tuned.

[demrea]

I'd say you are well positioned to end it, the timing makes sense.

 

That said, what did you think it meant when you made your vows?

 

In sickness and in health

In good times and bad

Till death do you part

 

My wife and I have stuck by each other through many ups and down because we made that promise to each other.

 

Your wife certainly needs to get reacquainted with her end of the bargain, but maybe it's too early to give up on your promise.

 

When our spouse is at their worst, is when they need us the most.

[jphcbpa]

do not have kids with this woman

 

i say move on if she cant make a change in the next 12 to 18 months

[rockyboat]

Can I ask you if you have met someone else? The reason I ask is because people generally don't end their marriages over 50 pounds. I'm not trying to be mean or say you are shallow....well, maybe a little. I think your wife needs your help and support in losing the weight. Don't get me wrong! She should definitely take better care of herself...it just seems her self esteem is pretty low. If you told her that you don't want her sexually because of the weight you probably did more damage to her self esteem.

 

If you just don't love her enough to help and support her through this weight issue. Let her go find a man that will love her even with the extra pounds.

 

I havent found anyone else. That is not to say I havent found other women attractive ever since she has put on the weight. I feel so shallow but I dont know what to do. How do I love someone who doesnt even look like the person I fell in love with?

[rockyboat]

I'd say you are well positioned to end it, the timing makes sense.

 

That said, what did you think it meant when you made your vows?

 

In sickness and in health

In good times and bad

Till death do you part

 

My wife and I have stuck by each other through many ups and down because we made that promise to each other.

 

Your wife certainly needs to get reacquainted with her end of the bargain, but maybe it's too early to give up on your promise.

 

When our spouse is at their worst, is when they need us the most.

 

What if the sickness becomes something your wife blames you for? And what if that exact sickness makes you abhor your wife? What does one do then?

[rockyboat]

You don't. Sorry! It looks like you fell victim to the 2-5.

Anyway, you should just rip it like a band-aid, divorce her and get it over with. do it quick so that she can start the healing process.

 

When she's a fit 120 again (and she will be) I'm sure she'll thank you. There is a great guy out there for her:D it just isn't you.

 

why do i sense judgement? i can see how you might feel i am shallow.

 

anyway, thanks for your advice.

[rockyboat]

You asked if we thought you were being shallow. The answer is yes and no. I'm not being judgmental of you - just the opposite.

 

I'm telling you to move on and find someone else. You don't love this girl. If you really loved her the extra pounds wouldn't be a "deal breaker".

 

Do you mean if i loved her then an extra 50 pounds would not affect my physical attraction towards her? This is what I dont understand. How can that be true because physical attraction is "physical" by definition and genetics define a lot of this. Does true love mean not judging your partner and weight gain not affecting your sex life?

[Phoe]

I'm not even gonna address the weight gain. That's not even the biggest issue here.

 

She pins her problems on YOU. She acts withdrawn. She doesn't reciprocate your gestures.

 

 

She appears to have checked out emotionally. She doesn't seem like much of a participant in this marriage.

 

 

Those are the big problems!

[Els]

Frankly, it worries me that you seem to act like her weight is the biggest problem. If she had not gained weight but still acted this way (nasty, etc) towards you, would it make a difference?

[TheDaysSlideBy]

Coming out of lurking mode to comment on this thread because you asked the question I've been struggling with myself:

 

Do you mean if i loved her then an extra 50 pounds would not affect my physical attraction towards her? This is what I dont understand. How can that be true because physical attraction is "physical" by definition and genetics define a lot of this. Does true love mean not judging your partner and weight gain not affecting your sex life?

 

After my husband gained 100+ pounds during our seven years of marriage I found myself completely unattracted to him physically. This has been coupled with numerous other issues, which may be fixable at this point, but I keep coming back to the lack of physical chemistry and the concomitant unfulfilling sex life as being something I can't see myself living with for another seven years. I struggle with feeling like this makes me a shallow person, not honoring my vows, etc. But then I keep coming back to your question, how can a person actually control physical attraction to another? On some level it's chemical or visual or some other element that can't be willed into being just because we love someone and don't want to be a shallow a**hole. Some physical change is to be expected over the years but there's a difference between the middle age spread and giving up on the healthy lifestyle you once had and falling into a pit of gluttony and unhealthy and unattractive obesity despite your partner's expressed concerns and efforts to help you off that path. I'd really love to read more answers to this.

[findingnemo]

We met 7 years ago in college. I fell madly in love with her, she was by far the cutest girl I had ever met and I couldnt believe my luck when she agreed to go out with me. She made me a better person and opened my eyes to the world.

 

5 years later, we got married and she moved countries. I promptly (after 1 year of egging on) left my job and moved to join her where she was, but not before that 1 year spent apart had been filled with humongous fights and massive accusations on who had let whom down by creating a long distance marriage.

 

1 year ago, when I moved countries, I left my well paid job to be suddenly unemployed. This was a massive shock to me and very hard to deal with after being on top my class in all areas of career etc. throughout life. I felt I had made a massive sacrifice for her and my moving countries would be one of the accepted cornerstones of our relationship. To a large extent I felt I had done a massive act (I was 28) which had to be acknowledged implicitly if not explicitly.

 

After I moved (and about 12 months ago), my wife started gaining significant amounts of weight. She went from a healthy 130 lbs to 180 lbs in a period of 24 months, a lot of which she ascribes to me because I put her through misery of 1 year staying apart when I did not quit my job soon enough and left her alone in the new country, which she says led to her overeating.

This has led to a massive distance between us with our sex life almost dying out. I am sorry to say that I feel no physical attraction towards her any more and sex is out of the question. I am no adonis but try to keep fit and have taken care of myself over the years. This has led to a lot of resentment in my mind for her, and i find this fattiness disgusting.

When i finally admitted all this to her, she completely lost it, calling me all sort of names and threatening to throw me out of the house. By this time I had found a new job in the country i had moved to and was doing extremely well and hence took quite an offence to being told to get out of the house, like I was some sort of useless parasite.

As things continued, they got worse. I couldn't bear to look at her, and all her gym efforts bore no fruit. It has now come to a situation where everything has become about her weight, even though she has gotten a lot more nasty in general and the fights have become uglier. Add to that, she has become a bit of a recluse, no longer being the interesting personality she used to be. She has become inward and prefers to stay home and watch TV. Something I have no interest whatsoever in.

 

I am a husband who has no issues in playing an equal role in household chores (Despite the fact i work longer hours than my wife). I pamper her regularly with gifts and massages. I cook special meals every few weeks. I get close to NOTHING in return.

 

I am not at a stage in my life where i feel i can deal with this. I am still 29, attractive, have a great career, make great money and travel around the world regularly. I cant see any reason to stay in this marriage. I would rather be single and see if I can find love again. I feel I am worthy of better treatment and this is bull**** to be getting back. I cannot imagine another 50 years of this daily ****.

Before anyone flames me for being shallow, bear in mind my wife is only 29. We haven't had kids, and live in a city where EVERYONE is obsessed with their health and appearances, making weight gain close to blasphemous.

 

I dont know if i am being a dickhead and whether there is any way to resolve this. I have told her I am willing to wait as long it takes, but without our sex life back, which cannot happen without her losing weight, we will not have a successful marriage for the next 50 years.

 

We're at a stage where we're looking at separation in a matter of weeks. Does anyone have any advice? Please tell me if I am being a completely d**khead. Please dont flame me for the sake of it. This is my life.

 

I think you are being a complete and utter d**khead! But in your defense, you always did put a high value on her looks. Cutest girl you ever met? And you got her. I wonder if she knew how important her cuteness was to you.

 

You are resentful...for moving countries and not getting enough gratitude. That's not being a d**khead. That's your W not knowing or not appreciating the sacrifice you made.

 

Yet, she is clearly frustrated. She put on weight AFTER you moved and not before. She has become reclusive because her self-esteem is shot. And it happened AFTER you moved countries. Surely you can see that you contributed to this in some way? You are making her miserable (whether what she believes is right or wrong is immaterial). She even blames you for causing her so much stress BEFORE you moved that then led to massive weight gain AFTER you moved. Jeez!!

 

I think both of you have a very unhealthy way of relating to each other. So yes, you are a d**khead but so is she. She puts all the blame on you and you put all the blame on the extra 50 lbs she has recently acquired.

 

Before you separate, get a therapist to sit you both down and figure out what you are thinking, what you each expect out of your marriage and get you both to agree on a way forward.

[orionboxing]

Rockyboat,

 

I've been in the exact same situation you've been in (Minus the whole moving to a different country thing) and I eventually did get a divorce after three years.

 

But the simulations are very similar. I received a new job in our first year of marriage and got a massive promotion. I was working long hours and tried to be at home as much as I could. She worked full time too, but I think the time I spent at work, and her be completely unforgiving of my new position, didn't get us off to a great start and things sort fell off from there. I was always good to her regardless....but I think she felt abandoned.

 

Feeling abandoned in your first year of marriage is just such a hard thing to overcome. This is why your see a lot of military wives having affairs when the men go off to war. The guy is doing something noble, but women is mentally, emotionally and physically left behind. They are sad that you are not there...and will have affairs to fill the void.

 

My ex-wife gained weight like your wife did, withheld sex, and picked fights constantly. She became a completely different person after the honeymoon ended. She had depression/BPD issues that didn't help our cause at all.

 

Essentially, the distance you two spent apart made her feel alone and sad...and not connected to you in any way and she has checked out.

 

Don't divorce your wife at this time.

 

You need to make an honest 6 to 8 month attempt for your own good to get this back on track. Marriage takes a lot of work.

 

You need to go back in time and remember what your wife was like back when you first met her. What were her attractive qualities? They are still there...just very buried beneath a lot of crap.

 

I think you need to sit with her one on one in a very quiet, neutral setting and tell her how much you love her...because I think you do. I think she's looking for you to be a man and take charge of this situation. Be honest and sympathetic to her and tell her that you really want to turn HER life around. You are the man in this relationship and you need to be running the show. Once she sees your interest, she'll want to follow you.

 

Drop any selfish pursuits you have right now and focus on her for the next couple of months. TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS. SHE WANTS TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU. This is your wife and you need to stick by her.

 

If she can't turn things around and is not receptive to your help....you must leave her because it's unfair to you to devote attention to her and not give anything back. You deserve better.

 

If you decide to divorce her...she will absolutely lose all of her weight and get with another guy FAST which will leave you sad, depressed and jealous. Women have incredible survival techniques and rebound quick.

 

Are you ready for her rebound and drastic changes? I wasn't after I left my wife, she lost all of her weight, and started sleeping with someone quickly. I ended up in therapy, got severely depressed and couldn't even eat.

 

Write back to us....and keep us posted on what is going on. Don't give up just yet.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still love him, I still think he's sexy even with the extra 40 / 50 pounds because I love him, the man that he is...not the body he walk around in.

I can't help but wonder when people give this example if there's a limit to your tolerance. If he gained 100 pounds, would you honestly still feel the same way? 150 pounds? Because I suspect that deep down inside, most people feel the same way as the OP, the difference is simply the degree to which we can accept the change. And the real deal killer isn't the loss of attraction, it's the loss of your spouse's self-respect and regard for your relationship ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheDaysSlideBy]

If you have to be blunt, be blunt. Just tell him flat out. If you don't get your health in check, lose some weight then I'm leaving you. I'm not attracted to you anymore and I can't live the rest of my life without sex.

 

He should love you and himself enough to want to make the healthy changes.

 

I can tell you from experience that he will most likely drop the weight when you leave him.

 

That's the crux of a situation like this. He'll make the changes but may not be able to forgive you for leaving him because he was fat. Because he will think you are shallow and uncaring. And really who wants a shallow, uncaring spouse?

 

But, what choice do you have? Is there another motivator you can use to help him get off the couch? Do you eat healthy? Do you work out with him? Does he work? Is he depressed? Does he have a thyroid problem or another medical issue that could cause him to gain so much weight? or is it just plain lazy fatness? Try everything..if that doesn't work....leave.

 

Thank you for this. Because years of trying to tiptoe around the issue and address it politely got us nowhere. Trying to approach it from the angle of concern for his health (which was a genuine concern) didn't work. His response? That he'd rather live a shorter life and die younger than spend his days denying himself food. Then again, bluntly saying that I was no longer attracted to him didn't result in any progress on the weight-loss front. Rather, it brought about an end to our sex life because why would he want to have sex with someone who doesn't find him attractive?

 

I do eat healthily with the occasional splurge, exercise six days a week doing a variety of activities, and have tried to encourage him to join me but usually get rebuffed after a time or two because the activity is too "hard" or "boring." When we met one of the main things that attracted me to him was that, like me, he'd lost a significant amount of weight so I thought we'd both be committed to leading a healthy lifestyle. The change in him was confusing and upsetting to me, but I plowed ahead with my healthy lifestyle. I'm sure that led to some of my resentment, that I was making all of these efforts and he didn't even have enough respect for himself, let alone me, to try too.

 

I'm sure the weight gain is related to his depression. He was probably on the wrong meds for years so had a lot of apathy and fatigue during those years. He's said that because so little brings him happiness in life that he has a hard time denying himself food because that's one of the few things that does have that effect on him. So on the one hand I can't blame him for the weight gain. On the other hand, I still think he had some control over his decisions despite his illness.

 

The good news is that as of two weeks ago he's joined a gym and has been going regularly. I don't think the fact that our marriage almost ended a few times in the past ten months was a motivator, though. Rather, that he spent time in Austin, a city known for its fit citizens, and that made him rue how unfit he'd become. I just worry that it's too little too late for me to regain my respect for him. Especially since, as I'm sure is usually the case in relationships, this is not our only issue.