Venting to friends

[almond]

Different strokes for different folks.

 

 

I just told my man to come over and give me a kiss, know what he usually says?

 

"shut up biatch!"

 

This has nothing to do with this thread whatsoever, and is completely irrelevant. My partner and I joke around very harshly - people that don't know us are often shocked. However, this is not linked with the behaviour described in this thread in any way.

 

The way you joke around with your partner bears no relationship to the way you speak about them to other people.

[miss_jaclynrae]

This has nothing to do with this thread whatsoever, and is completely irrelevant. My partner and I joke around very harshly - people that don't know us are often shocked. However, this is not linked with the behaviour described in this thread in any way.

 

The way you joke around with your partner bears no relationship to the way you speak about them to other people.

There you go with the people thing again as if igp to strangers on the street an tell them my man is a jackass.

 

 

 

 

 

I tell my one est friend, who also jokes the same as we do. It is all about venting to the other people. My best friend is the right person. She l ows he isn't really a jackass. What behavior btw? Ecuador I have been pretty clear about who I talk to and why I feel confident talking to that one person.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Obviously, my H and I make each other mad sometimes. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves. But there's never any name calling. Not even in my mind, where he can't hear it anyway.

 

Here's an example -- he has this habit of putting things away in different spots than where they usually are. Then I go nuts looking for whatever it is when he's not around to tell me where it is, and when I find it, I usually say to myself, "Dammit, [H], I wish you would stop doing that! Why the hell is it over here and not there?" And then I get over it. If it's important enough, I later tell him, "Hey, when you put XYZ away, can you leave it here instead of there? I went nuts trying to find it today." I consciously avoid any name calling. Even when he's upset me, I avoid putting labels on it, like "what an a-hole!" or "what a dick!".

 

IME, labeling things like that and getting outside confirmation by venting about it makes it into a bigger deal and prolongs the negative emotions. With most minor tiffs, it's counterproductive to do that, IMO. Nurturing a relationship takes conscious effort. It took some conscious effort to avoid the "what a jackass!" reflex when he made me irritated, but after a while, it became second nature.

 

With other people? Who do things more egregious than putting such-and-such in the wrong spot? Yeah, of course, I'll label them in my mind and maybe vent about their behavior, if it pissed me off that much. But the difference is that I'm not as invested in those relationships as I am in the one with my H. And I can notice the difference. When he irritates me, we fix the problem or just apologize, and I move on quickly. When someone at work irritates me, it lingers for a while.

 

 

 

We always name call for fun, but we have a rule about it when fighting with each other. The difference here is that man man knows I tell her everything. He is happy I have someone to bitch to! I don't know how many times that I have to say that me venting in no way means there is an issue I am avoiding. It's just talking. Girl talk. Maybe thy I why our relationship works so well though. We are probably one I the most open couples I know, and we have perfect comminucation, which is a huge reasons why we beer truly have issues.

[KungFuJoe]

Maybe it's a guy thing but I never vent to my friends...ever. I prefer to talk it out with my wife.

 

I know my wife, if we have an especially bad fight, will talk about it with her mom...maybe her sisters or cousin. Not sure if she talks to her friends, but I guess I wouldn't care either way.

 

I know that I can be an ******* sometimes and most of our friends know this as well, so it's not like it would be some huge surprise to them.

[almond]

There you go with the people thing again as if igp to strangers on the street an tell them my man is a jackass.

 

Please do not put words into my mouth - I said nothing of the sort.

 

Please take care to maintain a level of accuracy when posting - it facilitates reasonable conversation, and it will help the flow of the thread if I am not having to quote and correct you.

[Divasu]

Miss J, if your boyfriend is okay with it, that's all that matters. If there's certain things he's not comfortable with you sharing to your friends, you do your best to respect it.

 

My friends don't share the gritty details of their relationships with me, and I don't ask unless they mention they are upset over something.

 

Unless a partner is abusive or something, cheating, etc., then that changes things of course as you will need outside help/support.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Maybe it's a guy thing but I never vent to my friends...ever. I prefer to talk it out with my wife.

 

I know my wife, if we have an especially bad fight, will talk about it with her mom...maybe her sisters or cousin. Not sure if she talks to her friends, but I guess I wouldn't care either way.

 

I know that I can be an ******* sometimes and most of our friends know this as well, so it's not like it would be some huge surprise to them.

 

 

 

 

 

He can be an *******, I can be a bitch... It's never a surprise. I have fun venting, relationships aren't rainbows and unicorns all the time. You piss each other off and annoy one another. We have no true problems, it just feels good to tell someone how he was an asshat this morning, even if it never even resulted in a fight.

[therhythm]

Maybe it is me... because I am a very reserved person when it comes to my personal life but I would not appreciate my gf venting with her friends personal information. I would be very disappointed.

[veggirl]

He can be an *******, I can be a bitch... It's never a surprise. I have fun venting, relationships aren't rainbows and unicorns all the time. You piss each other off and annoy one another. We have no true problems, it just feels good to tell someone how he was an asshat this morning, even if it never even resulted in a fight.

 

Maybe you should get a journal or something.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your bf actually does MIND it. The way you describe him though is very passive and submissive to you, he'd prob be afraid of saying it.

 

When I was like 20-25 I used to "vent" to my friends about all that ****, and there wasn't one bf who was okay with it, they all complained about it but I guess just figured that's what girls do or something.

[sweetjasmine]

We always name call for fun, but we have a rule about it when fighting with each other. The difference here is that man man knows I tell her everything. He is happy I have someone to bitch to! I don't know how many times that I have to say that me venting in no way means there is an issue I am avoiding. It's just talking. Girl talk. Maybe thy I why our relationship works so well though. We are probably one I the most open couples I know, and we have perfect comminucation, which is a huge reasons why we beer truly have issues.

 

It's fine if he's okay with it, though I still believe it's generally counterproductive and potentially detrimental.

 

What I take most issue with is you assuming everyone else is saying their relationships are all rainbows and unicorns and no one ever gets mad at each other. Just because I don't call my H an a-hole and tell my friends about all the ways in which he pisses me off doesn't mean we never get mad at each other. We do. Other posters and I are just explaining how we handle it in our own relationships.

 

Yes, venting - about anything or anyone - can feel good, but that doesn't mean it's always a good idea to indulge in it.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Maybe you should get a journal or something.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your bf actually does MIND it. The way you describe him though is very passive and submissive to you, he'd prob be afraid of saying it.

 

When I was like 20-25 I used to "vent" to my friends about all that ****, and there wasn't one bf who was okay with it, they all complained about it but I guess just figured that's what girls do or something.

 

 

 

 

 

Please go on about how you are an expert on how my boyfriend is.

 

 

 

 

Just because what works in our relationship isn't what works in yours doesnt mean you know our relationship. He is ok with it, unlike many couples we have open communication, not sure how often I need to say it. He has no problem telling me when something I am doing makes him upset.

 

 

 

 

I'm bowing out though, obviously I was right and I am al

[LittleTiger]

How can you call yourself someone's biggest supporter if you talk about them in a negative way to your friends and call them names behind their back?

 

To me, a partner should be your best friend - which means treating him or her with respect and kindness at all times - even when you are angry.

 

If I'm mad with my guy about something, whether it's important or trivial, I talk to him about it, not my friends. In my mind it would be disrespectful to do anything else.

 

The only time I would talk to anyone else about my relationship, is if I thought it was in trouble and I needed help. Even then, I wouldn't mention anything that was personal or derogatory in any way - unless we were in counselling together and we had agreed to discuss it beforehand.

[clia]

I can't imagine calling my boyfriend an ******* or jackass to his face or outside his presence. I've honestly never felt that way about him. I wouldn't be in a relationship with a guy who I thought was an ******* or jackass...or who ever called me a bitch, even joking around. I might occasionally in passing joke around with my friends if he does things that get on my nerves, but they are stupid things that aren't fights. I would never discuss anything personal, sex related, or fights with anyone other than him. But then again, I guess I live in rainbow unicorn fantasy land because we really don't get into fights.

[almond]

Please go on about how you are an expert on how my boyfriend is.

 

 

 

 

Just because what works in our relationship isn't what works in yours doesnt mean you know our relationship. He is ok with it, unlike many couples we have open communication, not sure how often I need to say it. He has no problem telling me when something I am doing makes him upset.

 

 

 

 

I'm bowing out though, obviously I was right and I am al

 

You are now attacking this other poster for suggesting that perhaps your boyfriend doesn't appreciate you speaking about him negatively behind his back. You are acting as though even the suggestion of it is absurd, and that there is no way he'd mind.

 

I find this funny, because you said multiple times in the other thread: "of course I'd be butt hurt." You stated this in response to being asked whether you would be upset if your boyfriend said negative things about you behind your back. You then proceeded to call the OP names and insult his masculinity for being upset about the very same thing.

 

So let me get this straight: he wouldn't be upset about you doing it, you would get upset about him doing it though, but you go ahead and do it to him anyway? But now in this thread, you're acting as though it is ridiculous for someone to suggest that perhaps your boyfriend may not like being bitched about, just as you don't like it yourself?

 

Lol, you really are no good at conversation.

[xxoo]

Yes, venting - about anything or anyone - can feel good, but that doesn't mean it's always a good idea to indulge in it.

 

Exactly. And it can easily step over the line to hurtful, or, more likely, add up to hurtful over time, as the annoyances add up after the honeymoon period wears off. It's a bad habit to get into.

 

It absolutely isn't about pretending we are perfect! We have many funny stories about ridiculous arguments that we are both LONG over, and can now laugh at while sharing the story with friends.

[LittleTiger]

It absolutely isn't about pretending we are perfect! We have many funny stories about ridiculous arguments that we are both LONG over, and can now laugh at while sharing the story with friends.

 

Our relationship is much 'younger' than yours but we have these stories too. We usually refer to those silly arguments, which seemed very serious at the time, as 'not one of our finest moments!'

[MissBee]

Me too!

On the occasions where my friends share issues they are having with their spouse/girlfriend, they find that I'm usually sticking up for their partner or asking them how they can communicate better... so I'm not the most fun to vent to because I'm not helping them bash their partner.

 

For instance... One of my girlfriends felt the need to complain about her H to me about something minor, while she and I were out thanks to her H being more than willing to manage the kids. He always showed extra special consideration while I was in town, and made sure she had plenty of uninterrupted time for she and I to spend together.

 

I told her, 'X, I believe you might benefit from learning to be grateful for your H. I'm not sure how things go behind closed doors, but what I've observed is what an amazingly supportive partner you have in many areas of your life."

 

She looked astonished... pondered... and said "thank you, you are right."

 

Venting over. Marriage improved, I'm sure.

 

Lol I'm this way too.

 

I'm a pretty fair person. Right is right and wrong is wrong, no matter who you are. So if a friend is venting and I feel like they're in the wrong, I do point out how I think they could see things from their SO's perspective and how they could communicate better, I don't really just go along with the whole "If you're mad at someone, I'm mad at them too, regardless of it makes sense" thing.

 

I think so many marriage problems escalate when spouses seem to vent to EVERYONE except their spouse, the one person who actually has the power to change the marriage. Particularly reading the OW/OM forums, I am usually really appalled at how many MM/MW complain to coworkers about their spouses then end up in an affair or in the affair they use the OW/OM as a sounding board for their marriage problems, and then worse, the OW/OM really sits around and listens to it. That is such a turn off to me and would make me feel like this person has ZERO in the way of discretion and will probably complain about me/our relationship to other people just the same. I usually am attracted to men who are discreet, who are observers , think before they speak kinda guys who are more reserved anyway, so they don't tend to be blabbermouths. In my last relationship, my guy at the time, while we were talking about relationship styles was saying one thing he doesn't do is argue in public or share personal details of his relationship with friends, I LOVED that! It really increased the intimacy between us, as I felt there was a space for stuff that was just for us, and our dirty laundry wasn't in the streets for all and sundry or even for his friends to chime in about, possibly take sides over etc.

Edited July 22, 2013 by MissBee

[Els]

Eh, first off, I think there is quite a big difference between venting, and asking for advice.

 

I'd assume that 'venting' is in a more negative light - you're essentially just wanting to talk negatively about your partner. While I can understand wanting to do it on very rare occasion, I don't think anything good can come out of it. On the other hand, if you're feeling like doing it regularly, might be best to take a second look at your R.

 

On the other hand, asking for advice can be fruitful sometimes (though you still have to be careful who you divulge what details to). In that case you're trying to get a second opinion on things, and are trying to deliver facts in a non-biased light.

[mercuryshadow]

Here is a true example. My man and I got into an argument over me leaving the lights on. We talked it out, moved on, but I was still pissy about the fact we fought in the first place.

 

 

So I call my best friend, and tell her how he was being an *******. She knows he isn't one, I know he isn't one, but I sure as hell felt like he was. She nods and agrees and then ends up telling me about a time when her man did something similar.

 

 

 

Who cares? He did something to get me mad so instead of continuing to be mad I told my best friend how mad he made me.

Where is the problem?

 

 

Talking to your SO first is healthy... this way, you settle any miscommunications or misunderstandings before you share the conflict with anyone else. However, if you're still feeling resentment after you've laid the issue to rest, I think it's equally as healthy to vent to a trusted friend. As long as that particular friend doesn't hold a bias against your SO, I see no harm in it. If the former were true, they then might reignite the conflict by planting seeds of anger or doubt in you. Otherwise, it's good to just have someone who will listen to you or to help you laugh it off.

 

I'm engaged, and I vent to my sister sometimes, because she's been married for a few years. She usually has pretty good insight or helps me to not take things personally as what I'm dealing with is a silly "man thing." No offense to the men here.

Edited July 22, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[thefooloftheyear]

I dont need to read five pages of blabber to know its just an immature and stupid thing to do...Get a life...Like some people mentioned if its a crisis situation and you feel you need to confide in a friend,,thats fine..

 

But the thread was started because the OP saw absolutely NOTHING wrong with a woman humiliating(and laughing) about her SO issue of not being able to maintain a hard on...

 

Unacceptable and any idiot on the street knows this..

 

Carry on...

 

TFY