Why am I feeling more heartbroken over my 6 month relationship, than failed 14 yr one

[whyme76]

I can't make sense if what's going on in my head & my heart. My ex and I were only together for 6 months, he dumped me and after 4 months apart wegot back together. The 2nd time only lasted 2 months until we broke up again. Unfortunately I unleashed my anger & hurt onto him and said things during the breakup I wish I could take back...that I deserved better than him, that he treated me badly. I was mad and I really didn't mean what I was saying, but I'm sure the damage is done. I believe we truly do love each other.

 

So now 8 weeks post breakup where we haven't seen each other, and 2 weeks of NC & I'm still breaking down sobbing sometimes out of nowhere. I'm missing him so much I feel like it's killing me from the inside out.

 

 

What I don't understand is that 2 years ago a 14 year long relationship ended. Even though he had been cheating on me for at least 6 months with someone half his age while we were planning a big wedding, I don't remember the hurt lasting this long. After 2 months I felt whole and ready to take on life.

 

 

My friends hve tried to be supportive, but I know they are at their wits end with me. Some have even flat out said they refuse to talk about this anymore. I really don't know why or how it is I can't get over this guy?

[TaraMaiden]

Could be delayed shock;

 

could be that you feel you can't hold a relationship together any more, and you feel a failure.

 

I think it's the former.

Your anger and lashing out is actually a symptom of your previous break-up, which perhaps you didn't actually process as well as you thought.

 

You 'beat' this guy up, because the previous one treated you badly.

I would suggest you seek counselling.

[Nicoleiia]

You broke up early on in the relationship, probably in the "honeymoon stage" where you love him and want to be with him still. That's why it hurts more. During your 14 year relationship, you got used to that guy and knew something was fishy towards the end, so it didn't affect you as much. Short relationships are the worst. It leaves you thinking about what could have been, and its all so (relatively) new. Unfortunately, it will probably take longer to get over the relationship then the timespan of the relationship itself.

[itto ogami]

Wise comment about why short relationships can be more painful. You're bemoaning the "potential" not the reality.

[Sanctionne]

I think that the reason you are having more difficultly w/the shorter term relationship is because that guy treated you better than the long term bf that was a cheater. Therefore you weren't really losing anything when the relationship ended.

[inaya42]

that chemical cocktail that most of us experience as "falling in love" was fully operational during the 6 months. it is likely that some of your agony is chemical withdrawal from your lover. also, given that there was an earlier breakup, you likely experience greater anxiety (and hope) about what might happen next. you might want to exercise and consider taking (possibly herbal) anti-anxiety remedies to calm yourself down a bit. feel better.

[Divasu]

Could be delayed shock;

 

could be that you feel you can't hold a relationship together any more, and you feel a failure.

 

I think it's the former.

Your anger and lashing out is actually a symptom of your previous break-up, which perhaps you didn't actually process as well as you thought.

 

You 'beat' this guy up, because the previous one treated you badly.

I would suggest you seek counselling.

 

I think it's this.

 

and this:

You're bemoaning the "potential" not the reality.

[coffee]

He didn't give you time enough to get sick of him like the the first one.

[whyme76]

I so appreciate the feedback from everyone. I think this all makes sense - not fully dealing with the breakup of the 14yr breakup and just pushing the loser from my mind, getting swept off my feet, etc.

 

I'm feeling less anxious & obsessive about the recent breakup. Was my apology text so truly awful? Friends said it makes me look weak.

[Nicoleiia]

Just don't talk to your ex anymore. Stay NC. You were dumped, so therefore there is no more to talk about with your ex. Time to move on, sadly.

[CorridorE]

Could be delayed shock;

 

could be that you feel you can't hold a relationship together any more, and you feel a failure.

 

I think it's the former.

Your anger and lashing out is actually a symptom of your previous break-up, which perhaps you didn't actually process as well as you thought.

 

You 'beat' this guy up, because the previous one treated you badly.

I would suggest you seek counselling.

 

Similar to this. You might have thought your 14 year relationship ended for a reason, and your new relationship was it and had all the potential to lead you to a bright and happt future. When it didn't happen that way, the pain from both the relationships hits you at once.

[happydate]

I so appreciate the feedback from everyone. I think this all makes sense - not fully dealing with the breakup of the 14yr breakup and just pushing the loser from my mind, getting swept off my feet, etc.

 

I'm feeling less anxious & obsessive about the recent breakup. Was my apology text so truly awful? Friends said it makes me look weak.

 

You were already weak when you lashed out with anger. The apology is to regain your respect, because humans make mistakes and you accepted that.

 

Tara Maiden is right that your last relationship was not properly healed and that you still hold some repressed emotions from your last relationship. If the man was smart and well experienced handling cases like you, he could have acted A.F.C on you (being a doormat nice guy) and let you dump him. The pain will be MUCH LESS on you.

[happydate]

Similar to this. You might have thought your 14 year relationship ended for a reason, and your new relationship was it and had all the potential to lead you to a bright and happt future. When it didn't happen that way, the pain from both the relationships hits you at once.

 

Any relationship has a potential to lead to a bright happy future only if you have completely healed when going into it. This tells her that she has some work to do with counselling and therapy, if she is willing. Sometimes, a professional can tell things a normal person can not about a person who is suffering from repressed emotions. And internet forums aren't going to help you on that.

[crederer]

A lot of the previous posts make sense. I originally was just going to say "because you love him" but yeah, it could be a lot of things.

[hellischrome]

Same situation here! I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years with the most wonderful guy ever, I still think he is the best person in the world and I will never meet someone like him. But I knew that it was over between the two of us, none of us wanted to move where the other was living, and I ended it. After 6 months I still think about him but I would never go back to him, and in the end I know now that I didn't suffer that much. The new ex that everybody in this forum now know, unfortunately, only lasted a few months. And now I am having a hard time dealing with the loss. First of all, I was about to dump him out of desperation when he actually did it faster than me. Second, our relationship wasnt alright - a lot of fights and arguments. Third, I didnt have a decent closure, he just said he doesnt know and he needs time. But even if I realise all of this, I still miss him and I still break contact looking totally weak and crazy. So yeah, this short relationships left me much more problems than the previous one (which has not ended well, the ex ex still thinks I am a monster and on some things he is right).

 

I guess our problem is that as the others said we are missing what it could have been, if only...

 

But there is no if only at the moment, the truth is that they dumped us for some reasons and what we have to do is to pull ourselves together, stop being SO annoying with our friends and in the very moment where we realise that we are complete even if alone, we will be ready for something else.

 

Sorry but my English today is worse than ever, I have a terrible toothache

[whyme76]

Same situation here! I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years with the most wonderful guy ever, I still think he is the best person in the world and I will never meet someone like him. But I knew that it was over between the two of us, none of us wanted to move where the other was living, and I ended it. After 6 months I still think about him but I would never go back to him, and in the end I know now that I didn't suffer that much. The new ex that everybody in this forum now know, unfortunately, only lasted a few months. And now I am having a hard time dealing with the loss. First of all, I was about to dump him out of desperation when he actually did it faster than me. Second, our relationship wasnt alright - a lot of fights and arguments. Third, I didnt have a decent closure, he just said he doesnt know and he needs time. But even if I realise all of this, I still miss him and I still break contact looking totally weak and crazy. So yeah, this short relationships left me much more problems than the previous one (which has not ended well, the ex ex still thinks I am a monster and on some things he is right).

 

I guess our problem is that as the others said we are missing what it could have been, if only...

 

But there is no if only at the moment, the truth is that they dumped us for some reasons and what we have to do is to pull ourselves together, stop being SO annoying with our friends and in the very moment where we realise that we are complete even if alone, we will be ready for something else.

 

Sorry but my English today is worse than ever, I have a terrible toothache

 

This is 100% exactly how I am feeling in my situation. I'm still counting my NC by days, each and every day. This weekend will make it 3 weeks. In an effort to move on, because I have to come to grips that we won't/can't/shouldn't be together - I tell myself that i learned a lot from this man about what I really want in a relationship, in a partner's personality etc. It still hurts like hell, but I'm not crying into my pillow every night, except for a few tiny little outbursts that come and go.

 

Thank you for all the comments, and yes I am/have been going to therapy. As far as the comment that i am not going to find help on an internet forum - well I disagree. When you have reached a point with your friends where they just have nothing else to say on the topic, and you still have questions, doubts and want answers so as not to have it all happen again, we'll for me this is my only place to turn.

[whyme76]

You were already weak when you lashed out with anger. The apology is to regain your respect, because humans make mistakes and you accepted that.

 

Tara Maiden is right that your last relationship was not properly healed and that you still hold some repressed emotions from your last relationship. If the man was smart and well experienced handling cases like you, he could have acted A.F.C on you (being a doormat nice guy) and let you dump him. The pain will be MUCH LESS on you.

 

He was not smart, although not an idiot, and I was truly his only 'real' relationship, aside from a few high school type things. I think this may have been a big reason why he freaked out & displayed commitment issues. He just didn't know how to handle himself in an adult relationship.