Writing email to OM

[sadwithouthim]

I'm a MW, in a (recently stopped) 4 1/2 year online EA with OM. Though we talked a lot about it, we never met in person. I'm 17 years married, with 2 children, and we didn't want to risk anything. I actually had told my H about the EA 6 months into it. There are a lot of problems in the marriage, and I stay for the children, and probably out of fear of change.

 

Early in relationship with OM, we spent a lot of time on chat, then soon went to phone calls also. We've shared so much, even though it was never physically intimate. There were very intimate conversations and we shared a lot of ourselves. He was the only one I wanted to share with, my love and best friend. Time has become more and more sparse, as my husband started spying. The only talk time we had was while I was at work (I work alone at night). At that point, there was no more sharing sexually on the phone.

 

We tried to go NC several times before but always came back. This one seems so much more final. It's been 2 weeks since NC and the pain has reached a peak. Sometimes it takes my breath away. I feel so sad and empty, and just cry. He promised it would be it this time. He said he couldn't do it anymore. I know it's been very painful for him to be the OM. He would say he was just a side dish, or a dirty little secret. Neither of us could have guessed how complicated this would get. At first it was online friends, and it just blossomed into so much more. He's my everything.

 

Here is my letter to him, and I know I shouldn't send it. He had even said he would be mad if I contacted him. I'm not sure if he really will be, or if part of him wants me to write. Please let me know what you think of the letter and if you think I should send it, or just try to forget him forever. Also, should I block him? I would not want to hurt him anymore than this 4 1/2 years already have.

 

 

 

 

 

I guess there isn't much to lose if you DO get mad at me for writing. I debated a long time on whether to write or not. I wrote a blog yesterday, but erased it today. I was doing really well up until Thursday really. I guess it's that 2 week mark where it really reaches a peak, and almost seems like torture. I'm trying really hard not to sound pathetic. There is so much I want to say that I'm not.

 

Maybe I won't even send this. I feel so many things all at once. I don't want to feel the things I have to feel in order to move past this. I was going to go on a forum and write just to have support, but it just seems like a sad replacement for what I really want. Besides, I couldn't register for some reason. I feel a little relief already, even having started writing this. I feel like I'm sharing with you, even if you haven't received it yet. I know I shouldn't send it, but it hurts even thinking about not sending it. I feel like such a weakling now, I started out so strong. I didn't start to fall apart until Thursday. I guess it was denial until then.

 

Part of what is really bothering me about this is wondering if I'm alone in feeling this way. It's so stupid, and I'm getting angry even as I write about it. I guess I just want to know if it was all just wasted time. First anger, now tears. II hate feeling so vulnerable. I think that's where the fear comes in. I feel afraid without you. I'm still trying to even grasp exactly what all the feelings are.

 

I'm now thinking that if we were doing this right, we would get rid of any lifeline back to it. I thought of just blocking you from everything and closing my accounts. I feel angry at you, like you're the cause of this pain. Of course, I know that's completely irrational. In a way, I feel like if I blocked you, it would be like closure somehow, and an end to feeling so pitiful and stalking around for you.

 

How much longer can the pain last? It seems like SO long already.

 

I'm truly sorry to bother you. I know I promised not to go back again.

[TaraMaiden]

Do not - REPEAT - do NOT send this letter.

 

You would do so much damage. Irreparably.

You're not sending it for anyone's benefit and ease, but yours.

It's frankly selfish, self-serving - and totally self-defeating at the same time.

Why increase the pain?

Why hurt yourself further?

 

You don't want to articulate anything to him.

What you want, is for him to respond.

You want to tempt him to break No Contact.

 

I'm sorry hun, it's tough, but this is what NC is.

 

It's harsh cold-turkey for the heart.

Many, many people have experienced the same gut-wrenching, soul-destroying torture. And they get through bit.

 

You'll jut have to grit your teeth and bear it, until you get through it too.

Block this guy completely.

 

Oh and, file for divorce.

There's no point continuing this farcical existence of pretence "for the sake of the children."

 

That's just complete nonsense.

[sadwithouthim]

Thank you both, you're right. There is no point. I just want (need) to talk to him. I know it would be selfish, he's suffered enough being the OM. I need to stay away, even if only for him.

 

Yes, you're right about ending the marriage. There is no point in beating a dead horse. It's very miserable. He's been verbally and economically abusive (he takes and controls the money). He promised to change after I told him of EA. He's gotten a lot better, but still has rage moments = not attractive to me. Over 2 years celibate now.

 

I started to know what real love was with OM. We learned together. I love him so much. I don't know how much longer I can remain NC.

[TaraMaiden]

You remain in NC until the day you file for divorce and know you are moving on from this existence.

 

Staying in this marriage teaches your children all about dysfunctional relationships and how to cultivate them.

 

Investigate your rights, then file for divorce, and if needs be, ask good (already divorced friends) about a good lawyer.

If your H is controlling with money, he's not going to want to part with it, so cover your bases.

But be pro-active.

If you're miserable - DO something, don't sit there like a wussy wallflower, crying woe-is-me and continue in the same way.

 

You teach people how to treat you.

 

Start giving some lessons.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Please don't send him breadcrumbs. That is all this letter is.

 

He does not want to be a second choice, side piece, or an option of yours when you are able to sneak off to a store or run an errand.

 

I don't understand the excuse "I'm staying for the kids." Do you honestly think this is healthy for them? Be happy. Just stop cheating. If you want to be with him, be with him 100% and show him how much you care about him. Right now, it is all talk.

 

Don't send this letter.

[sadwithouthim]

I've told myself these same things. I do love him, so I don't want him to hurt. I was thinking that it hurts both of us either way. Talking, but not being able to meet hurts a little all the time, but this (nothing) hurts so much worse, but it will pass one day. We're both 42, so maybe there is still time for both of us.

 

I keep thinking how crazy it is that I'm letting him go to stay in something that isn't love at all. My husband has treated me with nothing but hate. OM could be my soulmate.

[sadwithouthim]

I probably will not send it, but I'm going to keep writing it. I will just keep it in my drafts, and add to it for journaling purposes. We used to have each other's passwords, so I hope he doesn't check it. Here is the rest of what I've written. Thanks for the support and therapy.

 

 

 

Okay, I wrote on a forum, and hopefully it will bring some relief so I don't feel compelled to send this. I had logged onto your email earlier, then felt like such a stalking loser. I hope you don't see in the history that I was there. People on the forum said "do NOT contact". I'm not going to send this, so now I can say anything and everything I want to and not worry about sounding completely pathetic, except maybe to myself. Hmmm...what if you get in my email and read it? Maybe I shouldn't say tooooo much. I don't know if you remember my password or not. They said it would be selfish to send this (I put a copy in the post of the paragraphs before this one). I agree with them, it just hurts SO bad Jeff.

 

Maybe you moved on, and are hardly thinking about me. I saw that you had another friend on Google, and was almost crazy with jealousy, thinking she's my replacement. If you'll remember, I was kind of a rebound after Natalie, so it's not so crazy for me to wonder if she is my replacement.

 

It sucks to be human, and feel your heart breaking. We should've been ....so much more.

 

I fantasized us today, and tears stream down my face as I go there again in my head right now. I'm going to go get Kleenex. I hate when I cry too long, I get such a horrible headache. I just think it's the only way to feel better, unless I'm going to be selfish and contact.

 

My mom just called, and I tried to sound normal. I can't really say "I have a broken heart from ending my affair". I did think about it though. She has enough going on that she doesn't need to know my pain.

 

I only want you, I just want you, nothing else will do. I just replied to people on the forum, and said how crazy it is to let this love go, for a crap marriage that's been nothing but hate. I'm tired of being so helpless. I've even justified the divorce in my heart. That is, I won't feel like it's a major sin. When there is no love, there is really no marriage anyway. The vows were broken when the love was let to die. I don't even care who is to blame. It is what it is.

[veryhappy]

If he's your everything, do not send this letter. It will only hurt him.

[sadwithouthim]

How is he coping with this? Usually, one of us would have broken down and contacted by now. Why is this time different?

[sadwithouthim]

I've been going back and forth for years whether it's better to stay or leave. I guess I have a fear of the unknown, and I'm not a very independent person. He's also very controlling, and has made me less capable.

[veryhappy]

This time is different because at some point being in the affair hurts so much that the only thing that makes sense is trying to move on and let go. He is hurting, and you going back will only hurt him more. Allow him to get over you if you love him so much. He doesn't want an affair anymore and he wants NC to heal. Respect that.

[sadwithouthim]

I'm grateful that I have a good job, and make decent money. I'm not very confident in myself. H has beat me down a lot.

 

OM took me away from all the sadness. He started to say I was using him as a crutch, only to make it easier to deal with my reality.

[sadwithouthim]

Yes, I need to find the strength to move on from the trainwreck of a marriage. Literally nothing is right about it. Something is wrong in me that I've let this continue for so long.

 

OM helped me so much in coping with it. Maybe in a way I was using him to feel better about things because it was easier than standing up for myself and ending the marriage. It won't be easy, but I've know all along it's what really needs done. I need to be more of a person of action. I must seem so pathetic to those close to me who know how miserable the marriage has been for years.

 

Thank you all for your replies, and for not being judgmental.

[FightClub]

Sadwithouthim,

 

I remember being the OM once with a exMW online, we met as penpals through an online game, transitioned to social media/phone and over the course of a year were basically in a EA and one-time PA.

 

It's been three years since that day and I understand how you're feeling in a sense.

 

She felt the guilt and went back to her marriage and last I heard, it did not work out for them and she is now separated ( or divorced ) and now seeing someone new, not sure the specifics these days.

 

I can tell you if you truly care about this man, don't write him anything, let the memories you have together communicating/connecting stay in the past. My exMW did break NC after her abrupt disappearance and it hurt to read that letter.

 

It reinforced the fact that we were not going to be together and that the end was still the end. Write the letter for yourself and never send it.

 

From a personal perspective, it will only serve to remind the exOM that ( for now, maybe sometime in the future, maybe not ) the affair is over whether by circumstance or force. I can tell you looking back at things, my pride was broken but my resolve was to respect her wishes and not contact her, three years since that time and I have not broken that promise.

 

Ironically, I wasn't the guy she chose, between the husband and whoever she is seeing these days, I am still the outsider from her world and that is where I will remain because it is over.

 

It's over for you now as well, grieve and over time slowly let go and work on you.

 

End the marriage, work on the marriage, do what is right for you and leave him. Whatever is meant to happen is fate from this point on, trust me on this.

 

Goodluck!

 

-FC

Edited July 21, 2013 by FightClub

[sadwithouthim]

Well, I guess this is the final goodbye. I just hate that it was so abrupt. He sounded so sure. We've said goodbye at least 5 times in those 4 1/2 years, but always came back. I have thousands of emails, some pictures, letters and gifts (that I keep in my desk drawer at work). Should I delete every trace?

 

This is so painful. I'm sitting at work (3 hours after I've clocked out) just to be able to mourn the loss, and also hoping that he'll call or write. I think I don't want him to though. I want good things for him, and staying with someone who can give you basically nothing is not a good situation.

 

Maybe if I can work on myself, I can get the courage to move on from the marriage. Then, maybe we could actually arrange a visit. I want it to be under the right terms though. He hasn't come here because he wouldn't want me to leave him to go home, and he would worry I would feel guilty facing my children after a night with him.

 

Thank you all so much for your insight and advice.

[wanting more]

But never never mail them. When I first started here, I write many letters, if made me feel a little better to get my feelings out. But I never mailed them.

 

"I stay in the M for my kids". Ive used that excuse over and over, I dont anymore. My SO has moved out. It's me and the kids in the house. my oldest one commented to me the other day that she sees her brother (he's a young teen) laughing and smiling more than he ever has. It made me feel great and sad at the same time. Great, because he is smiling and laughing. Sad, because for years I thought I was doing the right thing by staying and now I realize i hurt my kids more than I helped.

 

You say you've got a job And make good money. You need to leave and D. It will get easier.