Today is tough

[Steve11]

I went to the part yesterday which she was at. We had a good chat, didn't talk about the relationship but she said that its hard because she loves/cares for me.

 

She said she misses our chats and the banter we had.

 

I've texted her today. I know i shouldn't, but I couldn't stop myself.

 

I still love her. Even though she has so many flaws i can't get her off the pedestal. She hasn't texted back yet. I don't know if she will.

 

I think I need professional help.

[Appleness]

Just a reminder:

Reasons why I'm better off without her:

 

1. She manipulated me.

2. She made me feel worthless

3. I was constantly put down and swore at.

4. She hit, spat, kicked and thrown things at me.

5. She texted another man.

6. I had a curfew on when I had to be back, if I was late there was hell to pay.

7. If I didn't meet her demands, she'd get angry and threaten me with break ups.

8. She said by friends are pr*cks.

9. I'd have to cook all the time.

10. If she needed anything, like when she needed Zovirax cream at 12:30am, I'd have to get it.

11. She hates her job and that's my fault. She hates the people she works with and takes it out on me.

12. If I was asked to do something, she tell me I'm rubbish and don't know what I'm doing.

13. The sex was infrequent.

14. She's violent when she's drunk.

15. She puts her insecurities on me.

16. No matter how many times i said I loved her, she's beautiful, she's not fat etc. she wouldn't accept it and then get angry with me.

17. She was going to move into MY house, but I had to change things and get rid of my furniture for hers.

18. Don't you dare wake her up, if you do, jump out the window.

19. We could be getting on brilliantly, then she can change like the wind and I'm the biggest disappointment ever.

 

There are more, but I need to think on them.

 

These are ALL very good reasons why you really shouldn't care if she texts back and why you should try harder to stop yourself. At the end of the day, you are your own best advocate. You have a list of 19 things on there about why she is BAD NEWS! Frankly, #2 alone is enough to make me call it quits. What you are feeling is the loneliness of not being in a relationship. Don't mistaken this for you missing her.

[Ashlaria]

Hey Steve,

 

I know exactly how you feel. I could write a list like that about my ex and if he turned up tomorrow I would take him back in a heartbeat.

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel like this. None of it makes sense right? We had an affair for two and a half years and it ended because he got his 'real' gf pregnant. That has to kill off anything I feel right? Sadly not.

 

I think a lot of it is habit. He would call me evey chance he had. On the way to work, his 10 o'clock break, his lunch time, on his way back each night. Sometimes he would call me if he went to the corner shop just to say he loves me. Going NC has been a complete shock to the system and I hate it.

 

So I have tried to keep busy, when I want to text him, I post on the NC page or phone a friend. I went to the library today and have 6 new books that need to be returned in 3 weeks, that should keep me busy!

 

The thing is, we need to accept that these people are no good for us and the longer we spend thinking about them and wishing we were back with them and trying to work out how to make it happen, the more time we are wasting which could be spent looking for the person we really should be with. I have already wasted nearly 3 years, can I afford to waste any more?

 

Good luck and just keep looking at your list, you deserve better than that, we all do

[Steve11]

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

 

It's been 3 weeks since the breakup and now, 1 day NC.

 

I know everyone says, stay NC, stay busy you'll be fine. But none of it helps. I'm lost completely. I fall asleep thinking of her, I wake up thinking about her. I miss her so much & I shouldn't. I've been kinda seeing a new girl who is so sweet and kind, but I can't stop comparing her to my ex which isn't fair.

 

We are never getting back together, but I just can't accept that fact.

[ballycastle]

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

 

It's been 3 weeks since the breakup and now, 1 day NC.

 

I know everyone says, stay NC, stay busy you'll be fine. But none of it helps. I'm lost completely. I fall asleep thinking of her, I wake up thinking about her. I miss her so much & I shouldn't. I've been kinda seeing a new girl who is so sweet and kind, but I can't stop comparing her to my ex which isn't fair.

 

We are never getting back together, but I just can't accept that fact.

 

Hi Steve11, Just to say everything you are feeling is totally normal. NC is hard, probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do, your mind filled with them constantly and feeling lost and heart broken. I think everyone who visits this site can relate, even though they know deep down as I did that I allowed my last relationship to go on far too long when it wasn't good for me because I didn't want to be alone/considered another relationship failure/loved them despite their flaws.

 

I am 6 months post NC, 18 months post break up so you can see I spent a considerable length of time after the breakup trying to get my ex back, failing and feeling worse, until in January decided I was worth more than breadcrumbs. You need to do the same. Their words are just that, not actions where they change their mind, change themselves, want you back. It was the hardest decision I made, as he still contacts me, but I have the strength to ignore him now after seeking solace from this site and knowing NC was the only way I could heal.

 

All you can do is take one day as it comes, and it is hard, real hard, but you need to focus on you and getting you better and try not to worry about your ex who chose to end the relationship. I also don't think it's good to be seeing someone else right now and just concentrate on getting you back so you can be ready and healthy on a new relationship when the time comes. And if you are still thinking about your ex then the time isn't right right now.

 

In time, you will accept the fact the relationship is over and in the mean time you need to fill your days with new memories, one that do not involve your ex. Spend time with your friends, do new things. For me, I did a course that kept me busy and embarked on therapy to understand that I repeated the same mistakes, chose the WRONG partners to replicate being abandoned as a child and to understand why I took the breakup and all others so badly as I was replicating child hood feelings.

 

Not saying that is the same for you, you have the right to be sad, take the time to grieve but also use the time to move forward, onto better things.

 

Write a journal, keep track of your journey, your progress, use your feelings creatively, draw/play music/read, just use the negative energy into something positive.

 

hope this makes sense and HUGS

[Steve11]

I think I might actually be depressed.

 

I can't find any joy in anything at the moment. I feel like there's no point in my existence and that the world has literally come crashing down. I know I have to make my own happiness and I can't rely on someone to make me happy, but I can't talk, eat, sleep. She is on my mind 24/7.

 

I've tried listing her bad points and there was loads, but all I can think of is the good times we had, I've never had banter with a girl before like I had with her.

 

I feel like crying. I'm a state.

[ballycastle]

I think I might actually be depressed.

 

I can't find any joy in anything at the moment. I feel like there's no point in my existence and that the world has literally come crashing down. I know I have to make my own happiness and I can't rely on someone to make me happy, but I can't talk, eat, sleep. She is on my mind 24/7.

 

I've tried listing her bad points and there was loads, but all I can think of is the good times we had, I've never had banter with a girl before like I had with her.

 

I feel like crying. I'm a state.

 

Hi, if you think you are then you are, and that's no bad thing. That's a start. Problem when you're depressed even doing the smallest thing, like brushing your teeth, making a meal, tidying the house, if a HUGE effort.

 

The same with trying to find a therapist. But you need to do this, to talk this through with someone trained, so you can begin to get and feel better. Baby steps.

 

Actually, I feel really proud of you. Many people continue to feel depressed/overweight/addicted/sad/co-dependant, the list goes on without doing something about it.

 

Now's your chance to. Baby steps. If you're working, does your work/insurance offer therapy/counselling? That's a good place to start so you don't have to pay.

 

Or your doctor, although there can be a long waiting list and a lot of the therapies offered are short term, so unfortunately you might have to shop around.

 

But it's a start. Keep posting, keep venting and I'll keep replying.

 

Of course you will miss anyone substantial in your life. You are human, and it's normal. Our brains are wired to remember the good times, but at the same time, you know yourself of the bad.

 

It's interesting because I always kept a diary, and when I found myself missing my EX would turn to the pages of all the bad things I wrote about him, and that was an acute reminder that nostalgia does no good for your recovery.

 

If you had banter with her, you can with others, maybe better, who knows.

 

And with someone who wants YOU.

[Steve11]

I'm going to the doctors tonight to sign up, then I'll make an appointment to see a therapist.

 

I want her back. I would do anything to have another chance with her & I think that's what's stopping me from moving on. I went out on Saturday & I was miserable. I was out with my friends but I just couldn't talk or joke around. We were chatting to a group of girls and one of them said 'you must be the quite one' and that's not me, I'm usually the loudest, joking around.

 

I think my friends have had enough of my wallowing in my self pity.

 

She looked great at the party and seemed happy. It killed me inside talking to her, she said that's its been tough etc It just felt so naturall being around her & I'm never going to experience that with her again. And I only want to experience that with her. Knowing she's going to move on and be happy with another man, when I'm broken to peices kills me.

[Steve11]

I planned my future with her. We said we'd get married, have kids. I loved her more than anything, but I obviously had my own issues to deal with and I regret that I couldn't sort my stuff out so we could work. She was far from perfect, but I now even miss the petty arguments.

 

I know that from this point of NC that she will not contact me again. It's for the best, I know. But knowing that i won't speak to her or hear from her again is really cutting me up.

 

I'm devastated. I thought she was the one for me.

[Rarrkel]

you don't need professional help, this is completely normal. No matter what has happened in the past, feelings don't just go away in a few days or weeks. You still feel for that person especially if you are still in contact with them. The best solution is to break all contact with her, yes it is difficult I just recently broke up with my partner and I had to delete the emails and the messages and I had to block him on Facebook and I was in love with him, he was my first serious relationship, my first love. I feel terrible for it too but you can't live in the past and remember how it was if it changed. I was with my partner for 3 years and things changed, even how I felt about him. Love doesn't stay the same and sometimes it doesn't even stay at all. I hate myself for thinking that I've fallen out of love with him, that I don't feel what I once did but you can't live on love alone. Love isn't always enough sometimes. I'm not trying to tell you that yours for her isn't enough but break ups don't simply happen suddenly, it is usually built up and occurs when so many things come around and make it impossible to carry on. I am sorry.

[Zahara]

I planned my future with her. We said we'd get married, have kids. I loved her more than anything, but I obviously had my own issues to deal with and I regret that I couldn't sort my stuff out so we could work. She was far from perfect, but I now even miss the petty arguments.

 

I know that from this point of NC that she will not contact me again. It's for the best, I know. But knowing that i won't speak to her or hear from her again is really cutting me up.

 

I'm devastated. I thought she was the one for me.

 

Reading that list that Appleness quoted, you'd have to be severely lacking in self-esteem and self-respect to want to revisit a relationship like that again. It's normal to lapse as to how bad it was by holding on to what little good you had. When you are suffering loss, the mind only wants to remember the good parts.

 

Sounds like she had your balls in her pocketbook. I don't think that sort of relationship is based on love. It was abusive. It was all about control.

 

You won't see it now. One day when you read back on that list, you'll knock yourself silly for wanting to be with someone like that, but most of all thanking whatever you believe in for helping you dodge that bullet.

 

Three weeks of NC is nothing. Read that list again. And imagine what would have happened if you married her, had kids with her, and ended being treated that way for the rest of your life. Yes, sit back and imagine. Forget the banter. That's shallow. It doesn't make a loving relationship.

Edited July 22, 2013 by Zahara

[ballycastle]

you don't need professional help, this is completely normal.

 

I don't think it's wise to tell someone they don't need therapy, you're not in their head and they might. All I did was encourage therapy because I don't think we enough to tackle our deep rooted feelings which leads to creating unhealthy patterns. I mean, we put our cars/gas boilers/teeth in for service, why not our mental health?

 

Someone else posted that Steve11 may have low self esteem to miss someone who treated him so bad. He may do, hence why I think therapy a good idea. I have low self esteem, accepted lower than I deserved in the past and kept having my heart broken. Therapy helped me recognise patterns so I know how to avoid them and not be in the same position of choosing partners who are not good for me.

 

Steve11 get all the help you need to get better.

[Steve11]

I feel that I need someone to assess my relationship because I'm blaming myself for the abuse. At times I reacted and shouted back, but I literaly moved heaven and earth for her but nothing was ever enough, I couldn't do enough.

 

I know that I can't get angry like I have done, which I'll work on. But it's like I feel that she will change and treat the next bloke better than what i was treated. She had a history of being abusive to her boyfriends before me because she told me. They dumped her. She dumped me.

[Zahara]

But it's like I feel that she will change and treat the next bloke better than what i was treated. She had a history of being abusive to her boyfriends before me because she told me. They dumped her. She dumped me.

 

Funny how the mind works.

 

You know she has a history of being abusive to her boyfriends, and she even confirmed it yet you feel that the next guy is going to be the exception. That's your lack of self-esteem speaking because naturally, you're unworthy and somehow magically she will change because the next guy will be what does it for her, and of course, it's because he is better than you. The common denominator is your ex. They dumped her because they had enough self-respect and self-esteem to be rid of an abuser. You on the other hand has a woman spit, kick and hit you and there you are still having a "good chat" with her.

 

Change doesn't happen and even if it did, takes a lot of hard work and introspection. By the time she achieves that, and that is even if she WANTS to change, you'd be over this and appreciating a sweet, nice, loving girl, and that is if you are able to make changes in your life as well. Judging from your posts, you need to work on yourself.

 

One thing about these types, they love a man that doesn't have a backbone. The more they can control you, the better they break you down and the harder you cling.

[Steve11]

Sums it up. i started to say no, and she hated it. then would argue, i would argue. She took my self asteem. I was confident, outgoing funny when I met her. But the constant put downs and the 'you should do this, why aren't you doing his, why can't you be more like this' etc made me forget who I was. I need the time to figure out who I am again, which I know will take time.

 

If I could just get my head around that she wasn't who I thought she was then i would be fine, but I've got her up on the pedestal, and there doesn't seem to be a way of getting her down.

[Zahara]

She will come down from that pedestal. It's harder to get her down though because you've been beaten down for far too long. Three weeks of NC is absolutely too little time for you to be able to see through the fog.

 

The thing is you are aware enough to acknowledge you weren't the man you are today. That in itself tells you something was really wrong for you to end up where you are today. You didn't get here because she was a great girl or that you had a healthy relationship. Because good relationships and good partners don't leave you a broken man.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Abusive relationships are much more difficult to overcome because you have a lot more confusion, wounds and damage to fix.

 

Just don't go back to this. Read your past threads. You have to at some point start learning from your past, not repeat it.

[Ashlaria]

Oh Steve, she didn't take your self esteem, you gave it away, remember, no one can make you feel inferior without YOUR permission.

 

You have said you have to make your own happiness, you can't rely on someone else to do it for you and this is absolutely right. You need to focus on yourself and feeling better before you consider getting back with her.

 

From the list you wrote she seems pretty awful, but as with all relationships we are quick to forget the pain and dwell on the good times. That's not helping you is it? Go back to your list and write down one example for each of the points. One time when she did this or that. Really think about it, where you were, what time it was, what you were wearing, how it made you feel etc. make those memories real and then write them down. Each time you start remembering the banter and the good times, go back to those examples.

 

You deserve so much better fella. Good luck

[Steve11]

I am focusing on myself. I'm back in the gym, I'm working more on my house and I've been spending more time with my friends that I didn't really see because of the relationship.

 

I'm in that stage of what if. I only i hadn't of said this, or reacted in that way. She was supposed to be moving into my house, but an argument out a stop to that. It was her terms or nothing. If I didn't agree with what she wanted then it was me being selfish or caring about my house more. There was no compromise.

 

I very much doubt she'll ever contact me again, which I suppose in the long run is for the best, because I'm going hard NC and I'm actually going to stick to it this time.

 

If we had a chance to sort the **** out at work at getting back, then I would. But it's never going to happen.

[Zahara]

If we had a chance to sort the **** out at work at getting back, then I would. But it's never going to happen.

 

What chance? Didn't she just come back into your life again only for her to go back to her patterns?

 

Let this one go.

[Steve11]

Yeah, she did. But I'm to blame again. That's how it goes. She doesn't seem the know what she's like and whenever there is any wrong doing, it's my fault.

 

I really do appreciate the help. It's making me feel better getting things off my chest.

[Zahara]

Yeah, she did. But I'm to blame again. That's how it goes. She doesn't seem the know what she's like and whenever there is any wrong doing, it's my fault.

 

I really do appreciate the help. It's making me feel better getting things off my chest.

 

Then quit with the "if there was a chance we could work at being together" because it isn't about chances but whether people actually change.

[Steve11]

Do you think she will change? Do they ever change?

[youngnlove89]

It's a helpless feeling isn't it?

 

Knowing that the only person who can really make you feel better...is them.

 

Nothing anyone else can say or do and nothing you say to yourself or do for you helps. Sure, it may temporarily help, but the pain always comes back.

[Zahara]

Do you think she will change? Do they ever change?

 

Who knows? I'm much older and have been through my fair share of destructive relationships. People can change, but first one has to accept that they have a problem. And even when they do realize they have a problem, most of the time, it's become so ingrained that change is a fleeting reflection. But if one wants to truly change, then it takes years of therapy and a conscious effort to get to the other side and even then there is no guarantee that change will be permanent or what you would hope for/enough to make you happy in that relationship.

 

Instead of asking if she'll change, why don't you turn that around and ask yourself what about you allowed abuse? Maybe CHANGE should be about you.

[Steve11]

I loved her.

 

...i still love her.

Edited July 22, 2013 by Steve11