Today is tough

[Zahara]

I loved her.

 

...i still love her.

 

That attachment will be there. It's fine that you love her. But once your head clears and you gain some sense of yourself again, you'll be able to see what was so wrong about this.

[Steve11]

Each day that she doesn't contact will get easier. It's by birthday next week, but I doubt she'll wish me happy birthday.

[Zahara]

Each day that she doesn't contact will get easier. It's by birthday next week, but I doubt she'll wish me happy birthday.

 

And even if she wishes you, please don't respond.

 

There must be some level of dignity within yourself that when someone spits and hits you, you have enough self-respect to want to remove that person from your life for good. Please find your self-respect.

[ballycastle]

Do you think she will change? Do they ever change?

 

past behaviour is future behaviour. That's something I have learnt and accepted from hours spent reading these sites. She might change, but it will take a lot for her to do it and really that's not your concern at the moment, you need to ignore her life (hard I know) and work on you.

 

You can change though, change so you don't allow this to happen to you again, that you listen for clues/red flags (if you google red flags you'll get zillions of sites on this). For some reason when we date, instead of tuning into our survival brain, the one that stops us from falling out of a window, jump out of the way of a speeding train, hand from a fire, we tune into our emotional one. The one which convinces us this person being nice to us in the beginning is actually a nice person. Six weeks is usually the cut off as no one can really behave that nicely for that long before their true behaviour comes though.

 

I muted all my red flags. My ex used to say, 'none of my other relationships lasted long', or 'I'm no good in relationships', or 'I found other people difficult.' The fact that he had never committed to a career was telling as well. But I ignored it, even though I had a gut feeling something was wrong (survival brain) opting to tune into emotional brain thinking, 'It will be different with me.'

 

Well now I know it won't.

 

And if you work on yourself, read, get knowledgeable about how people are, then you won't make the same mistake again.

 

It's O.K to walk away from relationships that DON'T WORK you know.

 

Can I ask, were you raised in a home where you saw your parents behave like your girlfriend, or your mother/father, say, put up with unacceptable behaviour from a partner?

 

If you did it's the pattern you have learned is acceptable, have translated as love after from seeing or experiencing our caregivers tolerating behaviour that isn't acceptable.

 

And I will NEVER do that again. Not ever.

 

NC gives you the time to finally love yourself so you never accept second best.

[Steve11]

My parents are still married. They do alright, but they do have there moments when they don't talk. I no longer live at home.

 

Her parents divorced when they were in her teens. She took the brunt of it because she wanted to protect her younger brother. Her dad had a temper on him and she used to hear them fight. Her mum ended up having an affair. She loves her dad but very rarely sees him and gets upset by it.

 

Our first date, she had a go at a bloke in a bar because the bloke pushed past her, I had to calm the situation. I'm not perfect. I have a lot of regrets for the way I acted in the relationship, but all I can do is learn from it.

 

It's day 2 of NC and I'm struggling. I miss her a lot today.

[Steve11]

I know I can't break NC as it won't help me. But, it's so ****ing hard! She won't contact me again, ever, which is what hurts so much. She's stomped all over my heart then walked off without looking back.

 

I'd even take breadcrumbs at the moment.

 

I've been out on a few dates with a girl to help take my mind off everything, she is pretty, so sweet and kind, but there just doesn't seem to be that spark that we had. I'm probably doing everything wrong.

[Zahara]

I know I can't break NC as it won't help me. But, it's so ****ing hard! She won't contact me again, ever, which is what hurts so much. She's stomped all over my heart then walked off without looking back.

 

I'd even take breadcrumbs at the moment.

 

I've been out on a few dates with a girl to help take my mind off everything, she is pretty, so sweet and kind, but there just doesn't seem to be that spark that we had. I'm probably doing everything wrong.

 

I will suggest you let the sweet girl go and go through your pain alone rather than use her to help you with your grief. It's selfish. She's probably into you for the right reasons while you're just utilizing her as a crutch. It's not right. It's cowardly. You wouldn't want someone doing that to you, would you?

 

It isn't her fault she stomped on your heart. You let her, time and time again. You're accountable for your own well being.

 

As I said earlier, this isn't about love. Your self-esteem is in the gutter. It's going to take time for you to realize how much of a mistake this was.

[Steve11]

I'm a mug.

 

I wanted to work on my house and do stuff by myslef when I was with her which caused problems because she was controlling. Now she's gone, I can't be bothered doing any of it.

 

I know I have to stick to NC, but it's really hard.

[Steve11]

I idolised her when she was sweet and caring & ignored the abuse. I was an idiot for putting up with it, but I have to learn from that. I want to be single for a while because i don't want to carry the emtional baggage of this break up into a new relationship.

 

Will she change? I doubt it.

 

She made me feel like I was her knight in shinning armour at the beginning of the relationship because all her past boyfriends were pricks. But, were they? They had the balls to ditch her.

[keepontruckin]

I idolised her when she was sweet and caring & ignored the abuse. I was an idiot for putting up with it, but I have to learn from that. I want to be single for a while because i don't want to carry the emtional baggage of this break up into a new relationship.

You CANNOT carry any baggage into a new relationship. Well, you can... but it's not a good idea.

Will she change? I doubt it.

She will change for her next boyfriend, at least for the first little while. And then she'll once again rinse and repeat, just like she did with you and all her other exes.

She made me feel like I was her knight in shinning armour at the beginning of the relationship because all her past boyfriends were pricks. But, were they? They had the balls to ditch her.

Let me guess... If she's anything like my wife, all the ex boyfriends were bad because of one relatively simple complaint, right?

[keepontruckin]

I wanted to work on my house and do stuff by myslef when I was with her which caused problems because she was controlling. Now she's gone, I can't be bothered doing any of it.

The worst thing you can do is neglect you duties. If your home needs work, it has to be done. Do it now. If your car needs an oil change, do it now. Now is the time to take care of these tasks. They need to be done, they will occupy your time and your mind, and doing things will help you feel better. By things I mean REAL things, like working in the yard. Forum posting is certainly no replacement for getting out and actually doing...

 

And when you meet her replacement, you'll have just that much less to do!

[Steve11]

She punched her last boyfriend. Should of realised what she was capable of. One of her previous boyfriends to that cheated on her, she got back with him. Don't really hear much about the other boyfriends, but she's had a fair few.

 

Whether I thought I could help or or change her. I was looking at ther through rose tinted glasses. She's the only one that can change the way she is.

 

I'm gonna work tonight on my house. I just don't have the drive or energy to do it. I keep going through stages when I'll be positive for 10 mins, then I just go back into dwelling on everything.

 

Posting here really helps.

[keepontruckin]

Steve, posting here does help. I spent months reading posts on this site before I even registered.

 

At first I thought my situation may be unique. It isn't, and neither is yours.

 

It phricken sucks! But! You met her, and you'll probably meet someone even better in time. The really crappy part is not being able to plan it... Meeting a better person is just as much luck as it is effort... Being in the right place at the right time is a phrase that does have its merits. I suppose the odds do increase the more people that are around!

[Zahara]

I know I have to stick to NC, but it's really hard.

 

It's hard. Very hard. But what would you get out of breaking NC that isn't just as or even more painful than what you're going through now. Infact it'll probably be worse because you know at some point she'll abuse you again and back here you'll be.

 

Break NC. What then?

[Steve11]

I've done all the pleading and asking to get back together (I know i shouldn't have). I've got nothing more to do or say. She can't treat me like a mug anymore. Her loss is my gain 'n all that.

 

I'm not contacting her again. I'm done. It's so hard, but like you said, I can't out myself through the constant **** anymore.

[Zahara]

I'm sure at some point she will reach out. Will probably happen when you least expect it.

 

Prepare yourself if she does and I hope you stay away from her. Concentrate on your healing. Find acceptance that things will not change.

[Steve11]

Thank you. I really appreciate all your advice.

 

I don't think she'll reach out, which is for the best in the long run.

 

It's going to be a hard slog staying NC but I am going to do it for myself.

[Zahara]

Thank you. I really appreciate all your advice.

 

I don't think she'll reach out, which is for the best in the long run.

 

It's going to be a hard slog staying NC but I am going to do it for myself.

 

If she does, please post here and seek advice first.

 

The thing with her is that she wants control, and at some point she will want to see if she still has you in the palm of her hand. Be prepared and be strong if that happens.

[Steve11]

Yeah, i will.

 

When we've broken up before, she's always called drunk in the early hours of the morning on the weekends, which she hasn't done. So the patterns are changing.

 

You think she'd contact if she was seeing someone?

[keepontruckin]

You think she'd contact if she was seeing someone?

Steve, contact ENDS when she's seeing someone, or about to... Unless she wants to keep you strung along for plan B when her finances fail...

[Steve11]

I don't know if she is. Don't want to know to be honest.

 

None of our mutual friends would keep my updated because we don't talk about it & I'm not on Facebook or twitter. So, the less I hear the better.

[keepontruckin]

The important thing is to NOT be her plan B. I don't know what your financial status is, but don't let her play around, and then come back to you when she's broke...

 

Don't let her make you her plan B.

 

My wife was still "we can be friends" until I took my couch, bed and table back to where it belongs... With me! And I now understand that she'd rather eat, sleep and sit on the floor than ever being with me again. She'd rather be homeless!

 

Understand this! She would rather be homeless, but may call you when she's one step away... Find a women that's not homeless, Steve. Dignity, my friend!

[Zahara]

Yeah, i will.

 

When we've broken up before, she's always called drunk in the early hours of the morning on the weekends, which she hasn't done. So the patterns are changing.

 

You think she'd contact if she was seeing someone?

 

You need to be done with her. Contact or no contact, you have to come a resolution that you do not want this person in your life and you do not want to be treated this way again.

 

It's not about whether she contacts but that you are done with this.

[Steve11]

She rents her own place so won't be homeless.

 

As of Sunday, which is the last text I sent, she won't hear from me or see me again now. It's the only way in going to be able to heal.

 

I'm worried that she'll want to meet up with her bro in Saturday who'll be out with me, but if that happens, then I'll walk off.

[Zahara]

She rents her own place so won't be homeless.

 

As of Sunday, which is the last text I sent, she won't hear from me or see me again now. It's the only way in going to be able to heal.

 

I'm worried that she'll want to meet up with her bro in Saturday who'll be out with me, but if that happens, then I'll walk off.

 

I would suggest you take a break from her family members until you get better footing. The best thing for you to do is to stay away from anyone or anything that will trigger your emotions. I can only advise you but it's up to you.