Layzie1207 Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 My girlfriend and I were going out for 3 years, and she loved me to death for a very long time. I was immature and took her for granted and treated her badly, and for a long time she wasn't happy in our relationship, but I did love her I just didnt know what it meant. My first week in college she called and said that she wanted to break up with me, and I couldnt take it at all. I refused to believe it was over and I fell desperately in love with her. I realized how much I loved her and how I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She always wanted me to feel this way about her and I finally did, but instead of seeing how much I loved her she truly didnt love me anymore. She said she had a revelation that she didnt love me in a relationship way anymore after a long time of waning feelings. I tried everything to get her to love me and showed her how much I loved her by doing everything I could, but she couldnt force herself to love me and now she wants me to move on. She wants me to not think that its going to happen with her and she wants me to move on from her, but she still wants to be best friends. I didnt realize that i was actually being dumped until about 2 months after this all started and everyday I would freak out and she was too scared to tell me the truth, and I just kept pushing her far away to the point where she is terrified of me. I realize now exactly what she wanted from the beginning which was for me to let go of her, but I really didnt believe she wanted that, I thought she wanted me to change into loving her, because she loved me like I love her now for a very long time, and I am having a hard time grasping why she doesnt want me now that I am the way she had always dreamed I'd be. I realize that if i ever have a chance with her again is that if I move on and am a whole person and healthy again, but I am having a very hard time moving on because I cant believe that I started loving her like this and now she doesnt want me to love her. She said that she wants to have an amazing friendship with me after I've moved on from her, but right now I only see myself moving on in order to get another chance at a relationship. I see myself saying to myself, 'ok, if you get better and become the friend that she wants and be her best friend in the entire world, and be her friend to be her friend, then its only a matter of time until she falls in love with you again." I keep thinking that but I also feel like im setting myself up, but I am heartbroken because I never got a chance to love her feeling this way and I hate myself for taking her for granted for so long. I also think about her loving me and our most intimate moments and her doing that with someone else and it just kills me, and I dont understand why she can't love me now that I am like this. But I know that I would have never changed into this person unless she did break up with me. Please help me sort out my feelings, because I dont know what to do and Im scared that the only way I am going to get better is to bank on the fact that if Im her best friend she will fall in love with me again. I want to move on, but I still want to move on in a way that I still want to be with her, while being ok not being with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 26, 2004 Author Share Posted October 26, 2004 after reading many of the posts on here, i feel like some of you are already my best friends and i havent even gotten any responses lol, there is a lot more to the story than just this, but im sure i can see a sun in the clouds if i get as much support as i see other people get, i am very excited at the possibilities of what i see and i hope you give as much time and energy on my post as you do on other posts, and i will be eternaly grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I refused to believe it was over and I fell desperately in love with her. It sucks when you realize how much something meant to you after it's too late, but that seems to be very typical of humans. Probably why there are so many songs, sayings, and poetry that refer to not knowing what you have until it's gone. Sounds like she tried for a long time to get you to treat her right, and each time you didn't, it made her love you less until she felt nothing. There's not a thing you can do about that now. From reading your post, you sound way too intense and clingy, which is only going to drive her further away, and I wouldn't trust the best friend promise either. I believe she's saying that because she doesn't want to hurt you, or wants you to go away easy. You did say she was terrified of you, so that would be incentive not to piss you off completely. You have to back off and let her go now. She may come back to you some day in the future, but not if you keep smothering her world. Link to post Share on other sites
hulavie Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 She would need to know that you are not professing your love just because she wanted a breakup. You should not have too high hopes and assure her that you respect her space her decision at all times..... mean it! Give her a couple of weeks to cool off and then go talk to her. Tell her what you feel, admit all your wrongs like you did here, tell her about the times when she made you happy, tell her what you want for the two of you, asks her if she wants the same. You will get your answer then. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Im scared that the only way I am going to get better is to bank on the fact that if Im her best friend she will fall in love with me again. That should make you scared because that path will keep you twisted & torn & unable to lead a normal life. 'ok, if you get better and become the friend that she wants and be her best friend in the entire world, and be her friend to be her friend, then its only a matter of time until she falls in love with you again." Clearly she realises this which is why she told you that she wanted to be friends with you AFTER you've gotten over her. If you play "pretend" friends you'll piss her off to the point where she never wants to see you again & you'll be even worse off than now. You have to accept that it is over. She doesn't love you. She doesn't want to be with you. She said she had a revelation that she didnt love me in a relationship way anymore after a long time of waning feelings. She wants me to not think that its going to happen with her and she wants me to move on from her, Believe what she is telling you. The first part to getting over this is accepting that - and in my opinion that is also the worst part so the sooner you believe it the sooner you can start to move on. Until then do not call her. Do not speak to her. Pretend like she doesn't exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 26, 2004 Author Share Posted October 26, 2004 Sounds like she tried for a long time to get you to treat her right, and each time you didn't, it made her love you less until she felt nothing. There's not a thing you can do about that now. That is exactly what happened, and the instant she wanted a break i realized how much i loved her and how i would never treat her wrong again, im also torturing myself for taking her for granted and i just pray to have another chance to be with her after i realize how much i love her Clearly she realises this which is why she told you that she wanted to be friends with you AFTER you've gotten over her. If you play "pretend" friends you'll piss her off to the point where she never wants to see you again & you'll be even worse off than now. i played pretend friends for 2 months and i usually only lasted about 5 days until i broke down, she never ever exploded on me and said that she never wanted to speak to me again, but she told my friend that she didnt think she could ever have feelings for me again, because she was terrified of me, and i know that is just her feelings right now, but now i realize what a mistake ive been making the past 2 months, ive pushed her so far away Believe what she is telling you. The first part to getting over this is accepting that - and in my opinion that is also the worst part so the sooner you believe it the sooner you can start to move on. Until then do not call her. Do not speak to her. Pretend like she doesn't exist. i am in that process right now, i mean the realization happened 2 days ago and im still coming to grips with the fact taht she fell out of love with me. the scary thing is that right now my thinking is tailored towards getting better to be her friend so that she will fall in love with me again. last weekend we had a really big emotional fight where we both felt trapped and were hurting so bad because she couldnt love me and i loved her more than anything in the world. then we btoh agreed to just forget about it and to have fun for the rest of the weekend and we just hung out like best friends and talked about very personal things for a long time. right before i left she whispered into me ear "your the perfect guy", and then a week later she says taht she wants me to move on and let go of her so she can be happy Believe what she is telling you. The first part to getting over this is accepting that - and in my opinion that is also the worst part so the sooner you believe it the sooner you can start to move on. Until then do not call her. Do not speak to her. Pretend like she doesn't exist. when you say this, is the point to stop loving her? or is it to understand what i have to do in order for her to feel for me again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 26, 2004 Author Share Posted October 26, 2004 she really does want to have an amazing friendship with me though, she still loves me as a person and cares about me more than anyone in the world, i just dont see how to get better Link to post Share on other sites
blarg Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 wow.. I am in practically an identical situation. 2 weeks on and a few teary phone calls/encounters im getting abit better.. but I still want her back and it still hurts like hell to think about it... Its not that I'm not with her now that hurts so much.. I could handle that its just the thought that I will likely never be with her again.. there we go just writing about it im getting all teary eyed :'( Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 but she really does want to be best friends with me when im ready, do you think i should just roll with that and see what happens from there? Link to post Share on other sites
Trini Angel Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 I feel for you. I am in a similar position. My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 5 years.. And just last 2 months ago.. he said he cant be himself anymore with me. A whole lot of crap. I am being honest when I say.. that it is tearing my heart out. I think I want to die sometimes. My only consolation to you.. is that you should pray and ask God to lead you in the right direction. I know that is not what you want to hear right now. But i have learned that prayers is the best answer. Your ex reminds me of mine.. by wanting to be my friend still.. honestly i cant fathom the thought of lovers being friends.. they wont understand that.. but you have to.. !!! For them at least. It will be hard.. TRUST ME!! VERY HARD!! But you have to be strong. God Bless.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 i know that i can be her best friend and we can be unbelievably close, i just dont know if i could ever handle being close with her and her being with someone else, thinking about that destroys me, but that is a strong possibility Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 ive just been struggling with only being able to get over her with the thought that if im over her, we can be friends to be friends and hopefully something more will result from that. but i also feel like im setting myself up for more destruction if i do this and she loves someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
renouf Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 I'm going through the same thing over here bro. She still wants to be friends when I'm ready. Mad hard though. You just want to hold her hand but she doesn't. You want to kiss her soft lips again but you can't. You can't make things awkward or she won't think your ready to be freinds. But wait...it could get worse. My situation just did. Shes seeing another guy, she thinks shes falling in love, and maybe she is. I don't know. I have been doing a lot of praying. God does work in misterious ways. You know what they say... If it was meant to be she'll realize it and want you back... you should just step back give her space to realize it, and try and be her friend. To tell you the truth I don't know what will happen, or how long it might take if she does come back. But I do know a friend of mine went through the same exact thing with his girlfriend, and it took her a year before she came crawling back. She spent it with another guy but then realized how much she missed what she had. I hope it won't take a year in my situation. You can have hope, she can't take that away from you. Hang in there and play the game, see where it takes the two of you. Thats what I'm trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 thats funny you say that, because a week after i left for college she called saying she needed a break to think things over and see if she still wanted to be together, after much heartbreak and desperation i finally gave her the break she wanted and 2 hours laters she called me crying saying that her best friend had professed his love to her. I always knew she kind of liked him in that really close friend sort of way and after 2 months of begging and pleading and obsessiveness to no prevail i finally realized that i need a big break so that i can stop what im doing because ive pushed her very far away. she is the nicest person in the world and she really does want to be my best friend when i am able to be her best friend and not freak out a week into talking to her about how badly i want her. over our break she might explore what she has with her best friend and i cant do anything about that. i am going to read this book "how to get a lover back" and it seems liek it is going to be really helpful because all of the reviews ive read pertain exactly to my situation. the one thing it talks about is loving 100% and giving them the space they want and need, IF ANYONE IS READING THIS, i do love her 100% but i did not respect her decision at the beginning and for 2 months i begged and pleaded and cut myself to try and show her how much i loved her, how do i repair that trust and make sure she knows i didnt know how to react at the first time i was being dumped and repair that bond that we had and really prove to her that i love her 100%. because when asked if she ever thought shed feel for me again she said she didnt think she could because shes terrified of me that id cut myself over her. after getting my head back on straight i realized that was the biggest mistake of my life, and i want to love her 100% by respecting all her wishes, does anybody have any ideas on how i start to regain that trust because im scared that i ruined my chance forever by not letting go these past 2 months, but i want her to know that i understand what loving her means now, and my actions the past 2 months were just me panicking because i was losing her. i regret what i did and i wish there was a way i could tell her, but i fear that if i tell her this straight to her face, its just going to push her away farther. Link to post Share on other sites
BigJ100 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Mate, you really need to take a deep breath and stop for a moment. From what you have described, you really need to spend some time to build yourself up again emotionally. She has given you a precious gift. Don't waste it! She has held a mirror up to your sole and you don't like the look of it. You changed! That is good. But you need to build that new you up. Develope non sexual friendships with girls. Learn how to be their friends. Learn the difference between "clinging" and "caring". The best way is to watch how women relate and take mental note. Nobody wants to be responsible for anothers life. Using that is pure manipulation and causes huge drains from a relationship. Another bit of truth - "If a girl is scared of you - you are stuffed! Give up and move on." Use your time with her as a learning experience and grow. Life can be hell. You can and you will survive without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 i know she is scared of me, but she knows who i am deep down in my heart, she knows that i love her to death, and i hope with time and maybe an apology she will realize that this was my first breakup i have ever experienced and that i didnt know how to react. looking back i regret how i acted for those 2 months more than anything in the world and hope taht she realizes that it wasnt who the real me is and with time and friendship that i can regain that trust, but right now its killing me thinking about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 i decided that later today i am going to call her mom and tell her to relay a message to my ex. i am going to have her tell her that i regret the way i acted the past 2 months more than anything in the world, but i am human and make mistakes. i feel sick to my stomach just thinking about how if i loved her so much i should have given her the space she wanted when she wanted it and i am so very very sorry. secondly, i know my ex wants me to move on and be happy, but i dont want her to think that moving on doesnt mean i dont love her or doesnt mean i dont want to be with her. it means that i am happy with myself and who i am and am ok with not being with her, but i still love her to death. im hoping these two things reinforced into my ex's head can make the break that i am taking with her have progress instead of her dwelling on the bad things i have been doing. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 OK Layzie - this is your first broken heart - so it really sucks - big time - I think everyone can relate to that. But I don't think you're getting something here. Working on yourself & moving on is NOT about getting her back. Hasn't she told you that she doesn't want to get back with you? Hasn't she told you that she only wants to be friends with you once you've gotten over your this break up? Why do you refuse to believe her? I really don't think you should start calling this girls family - that is going to scare her even more. from BigJ100 Another bit of truth - "If a girl is scared of you - you are stuffed! Give up and move on." Use your time with her as a learning experience and grow. Life can be hell. You can and you will survive without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 ive just been really close with her family for a long time. she just wants me to be happy, she knows that i love her to death and she wants me to move on. i am almost positive in the sense that she wants me to move on with the fact that she doesnt love me, but she knows that i love her, she just wants me to be happy and move on with the fact that she doesnt love me and that its not going to happen right now. i know this sounds typical of everyone, but i really dont think shes just another girl, i really think i could be with her for a long time and as hard as it is to lose her, i would like nothign more than to create an amazing friendship with her and maybe something can take off from there. and my goal is to grow as a person and learn to cope with not being with her, but at the same time becoming very close with her and eventually and hopefully getting back together. i think i can be her friend and still love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 today i got really sad because a month ago during our breakup we had a passionate moment, and she looked me in the eye and said that i have to be the first person she has sex with. now a month later she says she doesnt think she could ever love me again in a relationship way. lately all i can think about is her doing some of the very personal physical stuff with someone else and maybe even having sex first with someone else. can anyone help me with coping with that possibility because its just constantly eating me up on the inside. Link to post Share on other sites
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