I just want to fix it...

[SJ502]

My husband I have been married for almost 2 years. I have a 4 year old that he adopted and we have an 8 month old together.

 

Like all relationships, we have had our ups and downs. We have both been wrong at times. My husband has been being really mean to me. He has never been very sweet or loving, but now it is horrible. Every time he gets mad at me, he is just rude and nasty. He lies to me about this and never keeps his word. He doesn't seemed bothered that the things he does hurt me. He tells me he cares but whats to do whatever makes him happy.

 

I moved to the city that he is from because he really wanted to. He has friends and family here and I have no one. He told me that I could be friends with his friends wives.... but he doesnt even really bring me around his friends. He can go out and hang out with his friends but he doesnt, then blames it on me. I just asked that he be honest about where he is going and come home when he says he will. He use to drink and drive before we were married, and has had DUI's... so I want to make sure he isnt doing that as well. He says its "Not Fair" to have to tell me when he will be home. He was supposed to have quit smoking before our baby was born. He let me tell him how proud I was of him for about 6 months... then when he got laid off from his job, he told me that he had been smoking the whole time and lying to me. I was hurt that he lied. He then told me he only wanted to smoke when he drank alcohol, and since that wasnt that often he wouldn't be smoking that often. He even PROMISED it wouldnt be every weekend. Well since he told me that, he has smoked and drank every weekend. He doesnt seem to understand why I am hurt that he cant do what he says. My grandfather died of lung cancer from smoking, so I really do not like it. I never told me husband to quit, just that I hoped one day he would. He chose to quit on his own.

 

On top of this, every time we talk about ANYTHING he cuts me off. I cant get 3 words out before he is talking over me. Then he yells at me because he doesn't know what I said. He tells me to "go one somewhere with that" every time I tell him anything. He doesnt want me to talk about regular topics, like the weather or news, because he says he doesnt have time. (he works from home now) He doesnt want to talk about himself, he doesnt want to talk about me (because he doesn't want to be my "emotional laundry basket") My sister was murdered in December 2012. She was only 16 years old. It has been very hard for me. We are preparing for the trial to start and he still tells me he doesnt want to hear me. He gets mad at me when I am having a hard day. He even use to yell at me right after it happened when I couldnt get out of bed because I was so upset. He made me go to the viewing and funeral alone. He tells me he doesn't know how to be there for me.

He wont tell me about anything. His mom text and told me that his Grandma was diagnosed with cancer, he hasnt even mentioned it to me.

When he is having a good day, he is nice, not loving, but nice and acts like he always use to.. but most days he is just angry.

He works from home and I go to school. (He is supportive of this) I also do freelance jobs.

Im not perfect, I really try not to fight with him, but when someone is constantly being negative and telling you everything you do wrong, its hard to not say mean things back sometimes. He even acknowledges that I DO try to work on stuff, and he says he "doesn't know how"

 

A big issue on my part is that I suffer from EXTREME migraines every morning. Its a condition that several members of my family have. I do not have insuance and regular medicine doesnt help. After a few hours they go away. I try to do what I can until then, but it is hard. They hurt so bad that they make me throw up sometimes. He SCREAMS at me every morning because of it. Its horrible. I also breastfeed our baby. I pump milk and feed the baby with a bottle. Every time I pump he SCREAMS and says that I just "sit around" for several hours a day.... I am only sitting to pump. Even when I am sitting to pump, I send out emails for him or whatever else.

 

He tells me he wants it to be like when we first met, which was us going out to do whatever, partying, drinking, whatever we wanted. And he says he HATES knowing it wont be like that anymore.

 

He says he will work on it, but like I said, he "doesnt know how."

 

I dont know what else to do. I love this man, and I don't want it to be over.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You love THIS man?

 

I mean the one he is now?

 

Why?

 

I see a man who is selfish and cruel. Maybe there is more to him than that but that's what he is now.

 

I see all kinds of red flags that there is more going on here, but lets deal with what you said.

 

1. Migraines are awful. I get them too, there is a thread in the health forum where we talked about non medical treatments, water, limiting certain foods, massages. Keep trying there are new treatments every day.

2. Taking care of your baby's needs is important and not in any way lazy.

3. There is something called the 180, someone will post the link. I think you need to try it for a week and get some clarity. There seems to be much more going on here.

 

Could your husband be having an affair?

 

Good luck.

[Hannahh]

You and your children do not deserve this. You two dont seem like a happy couple and it even seems somewhat abusive?

Maybe try couples therapy?

Your children need a happy healthy family

[Appleness]

I think you need to watch this:

 

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Video on TED.com

 

The whole time I was reading your post, that video was all I could think of.

 

I know that your thread topic is "I want to fix this" but seriously, I want you to really ask yourself what you actually want to accomplish. By you fixing things, do you actually mean:

 

1) That you want your husband to change his behavior?

 

or do you mean

 

2) That you want to no longer be suffering?

 

I can tell you that if you want #1, there is nothing you can do. If you want #2, then that is fully in your power, as long as you are strong enough to take the initiative to get help, counseling and support. Talk to people you trust such as family or if you go to church, try them. Otherwise, there are lots of community outreach support groups (you just have to google them). Good luck with everything.

[Balzac]

So somehow you'd moved on enough from whatever relationship you had w the

father of your first / at the 24 month marker to get married to this lout?

Your man picker is broken, you've stayed too long with an abuser.

Your best option is to get yourself some counseling, find a way to move along and support your two kids.

 

I have no idea what your "school" is about because you don't share details.

You're going to need a job, public assistance and the will to avoid yet another abusive man.

[SJ502]

He did not use to be this way, he didnt start acting like this until i was pregnant. I actually knew him before I got pregnant with my first child. My daughters dad father left whenever I found out I was pregnant, And my husband was there for me.

 

I am in medical school.

 

I do not think that he is cheating. He really wont go anywhere anymore. He just complains about wanting to go places.

 

I thank you all for your responses.

[Eve]

He did not use to be this way, he didnt start acting like this until i was pregnant. I actually knew him before I got pregnant with my first child. My daughters dad father left whenever I found out I was pregnant, And my husband was there for me.

 

I am in medical school.

 

I do not think that he is cheating. He really wont go anywhere anymore. He just complains about wanting to go places.

 

I thank you all for your responses.

 

It is a very bad sign that this behaviour began during pregnancy.

 

Work on building up your support network as the main priority. Read up on patterns of domestic violence.

 

Basically this man is emotionally abusive. People can change but I wouldn't hold your breath. Look after yourself and the little ones firstly. Make sure you are all safe and can live freely and in peace. This is your right.

 

So sorry to hear about your sister. I can't imagine your pain.

 

Please build your support networks up. There is a better life for you. Get help to find it. Please.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Lauriebell82]

I'm very sorry about your sister, that is horrible. ((hugs))

 

Doesn't sound like he wants to change. If that is the case, then can you accept him the way that he is?