haleyjane Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Okay, so my boyfriend of two years and I live together with our dog in an apartment; we've lived together for a year or so already. Well, today I got home from class early (I'm in college) and walk in to find my boyfriend peeking from behind the bathroom door. I go to the fridge, put up my water and look at the computer and lo & behold, there is a porn site up. I asked him what he was looking at and he immediately got defensive. I began to cry and he felt extremely bad; I didn't want to make him feel bad but I felt horrible. I got up and wanted to leave because I've already had a bad day (and it's not even noon yet) and he stopped me and begged me not to go. So, I stayed to listen... He proceeds to tell me that this is the first time he's looked at it in a really long time (like a year and a half) which I feel like is a a lie and that he wasn't pleasuring himself (which doesn't explain why he got up and ran to the bathroom leaving the page open). So, I get on the computer and look at the history of today and he went to a lot of porn sites to watch the movies. Him and I have the best sex life, we totally agree on it; he even told me today we have a great sex life! So, I'm like what is wrong? Why do you have to look at porn? He tells me to look at the girls. The reason for that is below and I'm 99.9% positive it doesn't have anything to do with feelings of love. One thing I didn't mention is that I am insecure with the mid and upper sections of my body. I used to look good (I'm not conceited but looking back, I looked a lot better than I do now) but I have gained some weight (not quite the freshman fifteen but close); I admit I still have my legs but that's about it. It doesn't hold me back from having sex, I just like to keep on a tank top because it makes me feel skinnier and sexier. Well, obviously he doesn't think this even though in the past he agreed... I know he loves me, there is no question about that. We have been through hell and back and we're still together and he's really scared that my insecurity and this mishap are going to just bring our relationship down. I am convinced that it might at first (such as today), but in the end it will be okay. After I calmed down (I never yelled, I was just very hurt because we have talked about him looking at other girls before) we talked about things and now he's at class. I'm just still really hurt and disappointed. I am an old fashioned girl when it comes to this specifically and feel like when you're in a committed relationship, your eyes should be on them ONLY; I feel like he strayed on me. The fact that he needs to look at other girls makes me feel very un-sexy and ugly. Am I going about this the right way? Should I even be hurt and upset? I'm sure people will disagree with me on things but please go easy on me because right now I shudder at the fact that I found him doing this; I'm just very hurt and my insecurity with my looks doesn't help me any.
Weird Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 I don't know what the big deal is. All guys look at porn. He isn't looking at it to compare you or because he doesn't find you attractive. He does it so he has something to look at while jerking off.
Author haleyjane Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 Yeah but the thing is that he says he wasn't jerking off, he just wanted to look at fully naked girls because he rarely sees me like that anymore. I know I should probably give him that much but still, I'm not that comfortable with myself...I guess that is a personal problem...Because of my insecurity, I feel like he is comparing me to other girls and I even go as far to think that he is comparing me to them in bed, which sucks...
krbshappy71 Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 You said your sex life is great, and that he admitted it was great, so what if he needs some eye candy to keep it that way. If your sex life had taken a dive, I'd be concerned and talk to him about it. If he's able to keep up and still take time to pleasure himself, sounds like he's got a good drive going on. Everybody can get the desire to look elsewhere, be thankful he's not looking to hook up with these women, he has found an outlet that doesn't involve cheating on you. Just my two bit opinion. Talk, talk, and talk some more.
Weird Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 that you in the pic? WTF are you so self conscious? You look pretty damn good babe. Like really, I know that doesn't make your view of yourself better but you DO look good and you have nothing to be so worried about. Don't put much importance in your guy looking at pics of nekkid chicks. All us guys do that. Now if he starts to become a porn addict then you have something to be concerned about or if he starts to go to strips clubs rather than be with you or things like that.
Author haleyjane Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 We've been talking like all day and in between classes (he's at class again right now) I've been talking to a close friend of mine and I've come to realize I'm just going to have to accept that he is going to do it. He tells me he won't but who knows, he's a guy who told me he wouldn't and didn't do it before. I just want him to be honest with me about everything (we have had a problem with honesty and other girls although it never involved cheating, just me being insecure). I did overreact a little although I'm proud of myself for not yelling! Yes, that's me in the picture (and my boyfriend, Mark)...Thanks, Weird A lot of things have been changing in my life between family and friends and where I'm living and my job and things like that, that have caused the views of myself to alter and I don't think that I'm pretty at all anymore...I'm working on it, though. Thanks for helping me see what was up, guys I appreciate it!
Weird Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 how up to date is that pic? If it is recent then you are still pretty. Quit saying you aren't:) Good to hear you two talked about stuff and again, just realize guys look at porn. Don't take it personally:)
Lainie Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Hey, I don't think you should ever de-value your feelings. If your feeling hurt and rejected, that's how you're feeling. Don't let him talk you out of your emotions. You feel that way ( for whatever reason... insecurity etc.)because that's how you feel. It obviously bothers you and makes you feel uncomfortable, so why should you compromise your feelings and tell yourself you over-reacted? I'm sick and tired of men saying all guys look at porn, that's just what they do. That's a load of bulls**t. It's such a lame excuse. I can understand that you feel uncomfortable with your bf looking at this stuff, it doesn't make you weird or stupid. It makes you feel insecure and rejected. That's not good. I don't think many women are cool with their partners oogling other women, some just put up with it, and others pretend they don't care, but they do. What you need to do is really talk about it, and tell him how it makes you feel. You don't want to find yourself competing with this sh*t. But don't talk yourself out of being upset, by ignoring it, you will only make things worse because the issue will still be there. You need to deal with the issue at hand, and then you will feel a lot better. Hang in there champ. You're young and beautiful, if your not happy about this, just say so. HAve the confidence within yourself to tell him what's wrong. Stand up for yourself and dont allow yourself to be walked over if you feel strongly about this issue. Listen to youself and your feelings. Always go with your instincts. Dont' worry about what some people say on this site. Most advise is brilliant, but some.....? Why does sex have to compicate everything? Oh.....
blind_otter Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 I'm a woman. I love porn. It's just a thing. But I can understand a person having hang-ups and issues about porn. I just feel like too many people think that if you're looking at porn you take it seriously or something. Any intelligent adult realizes that it's fake. Sometimes I want to get my rocks off without having to go to the trouble of having sex. Sometimes I am tired or bored and I want to masturbate. One of my exboyfriends and I joked about this because he caught me watching porn all the time and he said he masturbated when he was bored, too. Monkeys do it From your post it sounds more like you are self-conscious about your body...that's a self-acceptance issue. You need to love yourself completely, part of that is loving your body. Your body image is how you perceive, think and feel about your body. Most women think they are larger and fatter than they actually are. A negative body image is formed over a lifetime from many different influences, including family, peer group, media and social pressures.
Weird Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 how is saying all men (well most) look at porn a lame excuse? It is a fact/statement not an excuse. She needs to realize it is normal for a guy to do that and shouldn't see it as her guy doing something unique tht is a sign he doesnt love her. Sheesh As for you basically saying she is right with her reaction..I don't think she is. Yes, if it bothers her she sould mention it but where does it stop and when does it come back to being something SHE has to deal with rather than the guy? Why do women expect guys to compromise EVERYTHING because they have some insecurity issues? I would LOVE to see the roles reversed and see how that woud go. Based on my past with the opp sex and my knowledge of women, the reaction would basically be one of stubbornish with the female telling the guy "I will do what I want and you have to learn to live with it" Maybe SHE needs to look at herself and get over her insecurities rather than just complain to her guy and make him feel guilty. When will it stop? They go out to the mall and as a girl walks by he looks at her. Oh no, time to get all insecure and hurt and tell him to walk around blind folded so he can't see what other females look like because in ehr mind she thinks he is comapring her to these toher women even though he says he isn't. Sorry, but this comes down to HER having to deal with her insecurity (which seems unfounded because she is attractive) NOT him. To put this all on him (or us guys) IS lame. She should have to be comfortable with herself first and foremost and not expect her guy to just constantly boost her up every time she tells him she is insecure with something. I guarantee he will get tired of saying the same stuff to her and he will not want to be with a girl who is so insecure. Time humans start taking responsibility for their feelings/thoughts rather than pass the blame. Oh and sex only complicates everything if the people let it.
Author haleyjane Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 yeah that picture is pretty up to date - i'm really not as young as i look although i am still young (if that made any sense), i hate it now but i'm going to love it when i'm older i guess - i look like a teenie-bopper but i turn 21 soon... i used to let people walk all over me and i just blamed myself for everything, i had a really hard time saying 'no' to people that i cared about even if it was something i did not want to do, and that got me nowhere good... so now i am an outspoken person (although i'm not overboard, i don't guess). i told him how i felt and i cried like half the day, he feels really bad. i didn't mean to make him feel bad, but he did. i dont remember if i mentioned this but as soon as i saw the computer screen and sat down to see what it was, i calmly got up and said i gotta get out of here and he wouldn't let me leave because he wanted to explain and tell me how bad he felt and how he didn't mean for it to hurt me. he totally understands how insecure i am, he just doesn't understand it. he always tells me im beautiful and it's not that i don' t believed him, because i know he thinks that i am beautiful, i just don't feel like it myself. it's something i'm working on, though. i totally told Mark how i felt and we had a conversation over it. i feel like i over-reacted to a certain extent, but he actually told me I didn't [overreact]. usually we don't have 'healthy' arguements but today really was. he understood where i was coming from and i understood where he was coming from. the vision i have of myself does need to change, i am very self-conscious of my body and even though we both have high sex drives, it does affect it. as of right now, i am still hurt, that isn't going to change. he is promising me not to do it again (which i hope he doesn't), but if he does, I love him more than anything and i don't want us to be ruined because of stupid porn! sex sure does complicate s***, but then again i truly did 'let it' ......
Weird Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 you really need to work on how you view yourself beause if you keep feeling insecure and crying to him he will get sick of it. Why? Because he thinks you are amazing and it is frustrating to continually tell a person the exact same thing only to have them not seem to put importance in it. It would annoy me if I was with a girl whom I always told I thought was amazing, beautifula nd the love of my life only to have her start to cry everytime she thought I was looking at another female or looking at porn or whatever and comparing them to her. Man that would bug me and I would most likely tell her to quit it or would break up with her if she didn't change and mature.
Lainie Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 It's not a man's right to look at porn. You are simply not understanding how this material can hurt and upset women. This is an issue that a lot of women feel upset with, and have a right to vent and discuss this issue with their partners. Not all men look at porn. For you to say that they do and for women to get over it and accept it is a load of f**ken crap. We do not have to accept it. I'm not laying all the responsibilty of why men look at this stuff on men, but a woman should not just "accept" that her man looks at porn. Will she then have to accept that he pisses on the floor when he's drunk too because he forgets where the bathroom is?
blind_otter Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by Lainie It's not a man's right to look at porn. You are simply not understanding how this material can hurt and upset women. This is an issue that a lot of women feel upset with, and have a right to vent and discuss this issue with their partners. Not all men look at porn. For you to say that they do and for women to get over it and accept it is a load of f**ken crap. We do not have to accept it. I'm not laying all the responsibilty of why men look at this stuff on men, but a woman should not just "accept" that her man looks at porn. Will she then have to accept that he pisses on the floor when he's drunk too because he forgets where the bathroom is? well that's a bit excessive, doncha think? porn = peeing on floor? woah.
Author haleyjane Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 i've been working pretty hard on how i am viewing myself. something specific happenned to us last summer that made me go downhill like i have and everything else just adds up and makes it worse... i don't cry every time, just this time under our circumstances makes it seem worse than it really is. but i am still hurt and i really do think that i have a good reason to feel that way. it would have been different if he was just doing it because he was horny but he tells me that he just wanted to see the other girls and he wasn't pleasuring himself and he's changed his story like a hundred times. i know it's so that he won't hurt me but we've had a problem with honesty in the past and he knows he needs to be honest with me or nothing will be solved. i am going to have a hard time coping with this, especially since i walked in on it when a year ago, he voluntarily threw away all of his magazines and movies...the shock value has worn off of it now and it's just more so i am hurt...i don't see anything wrong with it but i'm going to work on it for the sake of our relationship
Author haleyjane Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by Lainie It's not a man's right to look at porn. You are simply not understanding how this material can hurt and upset women. This is an issue that a lot of women feel upset with, and have a right to vent and discuss this issue with their partners. Not all men look at porn. For you to say that they do and for women to get over it and accept it is a load of f**ken crap. We do not have to accept it. I'm not laying all the responsibilty of why men look at this stuff on men, but a woman should not just "accept" that her man looks at porn. Will she then have to accept that he pisses on the floor when he's drunk too because he forgets where the bathroom is? i have to say, i agree. i don' t think that just because there are a lot of people who look at this stuff that a woman should just have to accept it. i have half ways accepted it because i didn't want it to get to the point where it was going to jeopardize our relationship but i can understand why a girl wouldn't/couldn't accept it. i asked mark how he would feel if he was in my shoes. if i had told him i don't look at or do that kind of stuff, then he gets home early and finds a porn site up and a video that had just been finished and me hiding in the bathroom wondering why he was home early. he said he would feel hurt and betrayed, just as i suspect most people would... like i said, i dont think im wrong for feeling the way im feeling because even though it is normal, under my circumstances it was odd... *like i said before, we are both very sexually active together but he doesn't like to have sex two days in a row all that often (thats his thing, not mine)...well we had sex last night and here he is this morning doing his thing with the computer, while if i had tried to mess with him, i would have been turned down more than likely i dont know if that changes the way anything is viewed but it worries me and that is why i am so upset*
DJ_Dork Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Men, use this as a tip... Watch porn right in front of her to counter all the mind games/tests she's put you through.
tiki Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 HJ... I do not find pronography outside of a relationship appropriate whatsoever. Unless it's a mutual agreement, any use of pornography (for me) is prohibited. My fiance feels the same way. If this truly bothers you, confront the problem. You don't have to 'suck it up'. It's your choice. Lose him if he can't abide. I laid down the law in the beginning, that way it's crystal clear. My fiance is totally in sync with me.
Author haleyjane Posted October 26, 2004 Author Posted October 26, 2004 DJ_Dork, Watching porn right in front of me wouldn't bother me, its the fact that he did it behind my back. Tiki, I am hoping that we will be 'in sync' after this little episode. i thought we were to begin with but i dont know...im still confused, he's almost home from school, i'm thinking we still need to talk about stuff to make sure this doesnt happen behind my back anymore. i think if he did it again (especially if i caught him), i would be a lot more hurt than i am now. i think i made that clear but i'm going to do it again...
tiki Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Cool. You don't have to accept it. Just remember that! Good luck and I'm sorry you're experiencing this pain.
BigJ100 Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 haleyjane, There are two issues here - perfectionism and intimacy. He wants the perfect girl and I'm affraid you will never compete with those cyber-girls. He needs to realise that sex in his hand and his head is not sex - it is mastibation! I suspect that when you have "terrific sex" with him, he is having sex in his head not with you. You both need to learn how to totally satisfying each other, not yourselves. You see, cyber sex is only satisfying yourself, no one else. That is why sex between some couples can be just a variation on self mastibation, not satisfying the other person.
bluechocolate Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 from Big100 He wants the perfect girl and I'm affraid you will never compete with those cyber-girls. He needs to realise that sex in his hand and his head is not sex - it is mastibation! I suspect that when you have "terrific sex" with him, he is having sex in his head not with you. Jeez !! Now the poor guy can't even masturbate !? Is it really necessary for you to denigrate their sexual experiences like this? You can't really, for one second, believe that a guy doesn't know the difference between masturbation & sex & the difference between a 2 dimensional image & his real-life partner. Or can you?
BigJ100 Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Bluey, Of course he can't tell the difference! Denegrate! His actions denegrate his intergity! Why do you think he shares himself between haleyjane and the porn! A lot of guys probably believe that a good wank is better and cleaner than the "real thing"! They don't have to pretend they really care or worry that she "didn't come".
bluechocolate Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by BigJ100 Bluey, Of course he can't tell the difference! Denegrate! His actions denegrate his intergity! Why do you think he shares himself between haleyjane and the porn! A lot of guys probably believe that a good wank is better and cleaner than the "real thing"! They don't have to pretend they really care or worry that she "didn't come". Yeah, OK, whatever. Take a look around here - there are literally millions of posts dealing with this subject & the opinions vary almost as differently as the number of people posting them. A lot of guys probably believe that a good wank is better and cleaner than the "real thing"! And a lot of guys probably don't. Anyway - haleyjane If he honestly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong then chances are you won't be able to change his mind. He'll probably tell you that he won't do it & then continue to do it behind your back. As I mentioned above, there are millions of posts here & quite a few of them are from women who say that their partners promised not to look & then later they catch them doing it again. Personally, I don't see anything wrong in occassionally looking at porn but I respect your contrary opinion. It just may be that you'll have to find a man who feels the same way. As Tiki says - you don't have to accept it & it stands to reason that he doesn't have to accept your view either.
Author haleyjane Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 well when we do have sex, he makes sure that i get my pleasure before him - we have not had sex once where he hasn't pleasured me first. we are a very intimate couple and i know that he is having sex with me, not some girl in his mind that he saw on the internet. i know he hasn't done this before, in our apartment at least, until now. like i said, what im most upset about is not because he was doing this, but because he said he wasn't even pleasuring himself and it was just to look at fully unclothed girls. this has made me understand that i do need to come out of my insecurity shell. it's almost like i was hiding my body from him even though he was telling me it was perfect. i know if i were in his situation and he wouldn't let me look at his body even though i told him it was perfect, even during sex (like me and have to wear a shirt), i would probably get upset. he does think he did something wrong, which makes it a lot easier to get over it. the only reason i got upset, really, is because i am so insecure with him comparing me to other girls...then i find him looking at porn for the sole reason of looking at other girls and i'm afraid he'll compare me to them. he told me if he had known it would bother me so much that he wouldn't have done it in the first place. i'm still a little upset but i've gotten over it pretty quick. i'm not like giving him the cold shoulder or anything and im most definately not crying about it anymore!
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