hellischrome Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I am coping this post from the coping section cause it may be more appropriate here: So, I went NC with my ex for 3 days and then broke it (dumb, I know). After a LOT of discussions (he told me that I didn't behave well cause he asked for space and time and I didn't give it, breaking NC) I said -Look, I am tired of you being emotionally unstable, if you don't wanna lose me just do something now. I think we should try again. I know you still think about your ex sometimes and you still dont know if you did the right thing dumping her 6 months ago but I don't mind, I know the situation and ready to accept it. Choice is yours. AND He said yes! He said yes, let's try again, I realised I miss you. I don't like the ultimatum but yes, let's do it. And in that moment I realised that it was not OK at all. That he was desperately scared of losing me, but this way he would come to no real solutions at all. So I told him that thinking twice it was better for me to give him the space and time he asked, and if things are going to be OK in his head then fine, if I will be in the same place (emotionally) everything is going to be wonderful. Otherwise, if he realizes that he wants to be with his ex or he just doesnt wanna be with anyone, we just won't end up together. He just need to understand that By Himself. At some point he even told me that between the two options (staying with me accepting my ultimatum and taking things easy - or no contact, hoping that he will clear his mind sometime soon), he preferes the first one, thinking of staying with me again made him happy. I was the one to think properly and say - you need time and space alone, I don't wanna force you, it's ok not to hear/see each other. And we said goodbye. What do you guys think? I know perfectly that this won't help me a bit in kicking him out of my mind, but I am at some point where I just cannot decide I will forget him starting from now. I don't feel the need of being with someone else at the moment, so I think I will just wait and see what happens. If I realise that I really cant cope with his absence, I will contact him back when I come back from my holidays on the 5th of August, not asking anything but just to let him know that I am around. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I think you did the right thing because giving him an ultimatum will backfire later. It needs to be his idea in the long run. Also, who wants to be with someone who isn't there of their own choice totally? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Yep, you did the right thing by not trying right now as this high he is on will only last for a short time and whatever issues were there will still be there. You can't be his full focus until he takes his focus off of his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Did he dump her then go immediately to you? Anywayz, I agree with the others. Ultimatums are never a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
jenn78 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I went through a similar thing with my ex. He wanted to break up because he felt smothered and said he wasn't getting everything he needed. We communicated and addressed those issues which opened up another can of worms. He needed to 'find himself" he wanted to try again with me but something was holding him back. I have him a date to pick what he wanted to do because it was too hard for me just say no to him because i felt like I was giving up. (I had tried to say we're done but i changed my mind like 2 hours later). The same day he said he needed time to "look into himself" and he couldn't be in a relationship to do so. You totally did the right thing. He can't find himself after a couple days it will take a lot longer than that. Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I am sorry things are so difficult, I think you did the right thing. One of the issues with having an affair turn into a relationship is the likelihood that one or both of you did not completely resolve the feelings in the previous relationships. And frankly the guilt he feels for behaving so terribly towards someone he loved, well, some of that guilt sticks to you (blame). Fair or not I think that's part of this. He needs some space and time to resolve his issues and maybe there will be something to build after that. You need to heal and maybe move on too. If its right the you will find each other again. Link to post Share on other sites
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