Lil, having pity for wrong person

[jlola]

I think there are a lot of concerns with your MM from everyone here. I think you are ignoring a lot of red flags. This quote caught me because I see you as a good person who is somehow manipulated to feel pity for your MM,when you need to watch out for yourself.

 

In her book, “The Sociopath Next Door”, Martha Stout, Ph.D makes very clear in her “Thirteen Rules For Dealing With Sociopaths In Everyday Life”, the tendency to pity the sociopath: “If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

 

Many survivors have high levels of empathy. This, in and of itself is not a bad thing, however when it comes to survivors without boundaries, our empathy can be a run away freight train that the psychopath is most wiling to ride and when the train crashes, it’s not the psychopath who is injured. It is us.

 

All too often I hear survivors say that they feel sorry for the psychopath, even after the relationship is over.

 

They speak of this kind of pity as if there should be some reward for martyrdom. Being proud of your empathy and feeling sorry for a predator at the same time, means something needs to be fixed and it isn’t him because we know he can’t be. Loving a predator does not, in fact, make you a martyr, it makes you a potential or ongoing victim.

 

Why would you pity someone who does nothing but want for the destruction of yourself or others? Someone who has hurt you or others repeatedly? Logically, this makes no sense when asked in this way and that’s because it doesn’t make sense.

 

The psychopath illicits your pity at the beginning of the relationship through deception, love bombing and pathological lying. He was able to maintain control of you in further cultivating your sympathy through manipulative, bull**** maneuvers with promises of change, pseudo tears, blame shifting and projecting his inability to love onto you, etc. He has no empathy for you and never did.

 

Empathy should be reserved for those who truly deserve this from you and it is not those who occupy residency within the Cluster B scale.

[WakingUp]

Oh dear. This is something to think about.

 

This has me feeling ill.

[LilGirlandOW]

Thanks good read Sometimes I feel some OW are also affected by Stockholm Syndrome

 

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees “The party has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

 

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their captors.

 

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as “Stockholm Syndrome” due to the publicity

 

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

 

It’s important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it’s easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

 

Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

 

-Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller

-Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release

-Support of the abuser’s reasons and behaviors

-Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim

-Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser

-Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

[lilmisscantbewrong]

There are some very true statements here. Lots to think about.

[Betterthanthis13]

If your guy fits some of of the description for sociopathic tendencies, another good book to read is "in Sheep's Clothing" by George Simon.

 

He explains this type of person very well using a scale model, which was extremely helpful to me in the past when dealing with the realization that someone in my life was really a sociopath. It wasnt a love relationship, it a family member, but severing that tie was beyond excruciating... My brain could not accept the idea that a person who was supposed to love me was really not ever even capable of it all along. I wanted to fix that relationship and tried so so hard for years, and all I was doing was banging my head against a brick wall.

 

I had trouble putting that person in the sociopath "category" even though they fit the bill 110%, the scale model was easier for me to accept and internalize, and finally gave me the courage to stop trying to fix what could not ever be fixed, and walk away NC (going on 5 years now)

 

Best 5 years of my life. (recent events notwithstanding) Peace, freedom, my self esteem back...

 

There is nothing you can do with a sociopath except volunteer for misery and heartache. And they are GOOD at what they do. Its all fake. All of it. The emotions, the guilt, the tears, the love, the caring, the (insert any emotion here that requires empathy) It's all fake. It's all a mind****.

 

What can you do to help them? Nothing. Ever. Never ever ever.

 

People throw the term sociopath around a lot too, which I think makes it almost less believable when you really have one in your life. But it's estimated that 3-9% of the population is in this category. So if you know 100 people, you probably know at least 3 sociopaths.

 

Anyway, I definitely recommend the sheep book, even if all you do with it is rule out the fact that he is a sociopath. Knowledge is power.

[Wambo]

I think there are a lot of concerns with your MM from everyone here. I think you are ignoring a lot of red flags. This quote caught me because I see you as a good person who is somehow manipulated to feel pity for your MM,when you need to watch out for yourself.

 

In her book, “The Sociopath Next Door”, Martha Stout, Ph.D makes very clear in her “Thirteen Rules For Dealing With Sociopaths In Everyday Life”, the tendency to pity the sociopath: “If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

 

Many survivors have high levels of empathy. This, in and of itself is not a bad thing, however when it comes to survivors without boundaries, our empathy can be a run away freight train that the psychopath is most wiling to ride and when the train crashes, it’s not the psychopath who is injured. It is us.

 

All too often I hear survivors say that they feel sorry for the psychopath, even after the relationship is over.

 

They speak of this kind of pity as if there should be some reward for martyrdom. Being proud of your empathy and feeling sorry for a predator at the same time, means something needs to be fixed and it isn’t him because we know he can’t be. Loving a predator does not, in fact, make you a martyr, it makes you a potential or ongoing victim.

 

Why would you pity someone who does nothing but want for the destruction of yourself or others? Someone who has hurt you or others repeatedly? Logically, this makes no sense when asked in this way and that’s because it doesn’t make sense.

 

The psychopath illicits your pity at the beginning of the relationship through deception, love bombing and pathological lying. He was able to maintain control of you in further cultivating your sympathy through manipulative, bull**** maneuvers with promises of change, pseudo tears, blame shifting and projecting his inability to love onto you, etc. He has no empathy for you and never did.

 

Empathy should be reserved for those who truly deserve this from you and it is not those who occupy residency within the Cluster B scale.

 

 

I'm a bit confused here. Why on Earth does this article start off about socialpaths and then all of a sudden switched to psychopaths. They are not the same thing because psychopaths are mentally disabled and their upbringing are crucial to prevent them doing harm to others.

[Goodbye]

Yes, sociopaths and psychopaths are very different things. I'm assuming she meant sociopath.

[jlola]

Sociopath,psychopaths,narcissist,borderline or whichever cluster B t is, they will bring pain. Almost 10% of the population is cluster b. Which is huge and most people will be effected by one of these people in their lives, especially when it comes to romance. Once you recognize it, you will be immune . Ignore the word psychopath and instead think Cluster B personality.

 

Self awareness and why you fall for this type is important.h

 

ttp://theabilitytolove.wordpress.com/2013/01/05/the-psychopathnarcissist-and-sex-he-wants-you-to-overrate-it-baby/

 

obvious shallowness and objectifying behavior out of the psychopath that was shocking, as well as this survivors over emphasis on deviant sex, which made her, in her partner’s eyes, the best sex he ever had to which this survivor took great pride.

 

Women buy the lines readily out of a psychopath that is meant to do nothing more than inflate her ego, blowing as much smoke up her bum as possible in that she’s the best lay he’s ever had and vice versa. This is why the psychopath/narcissist uses sex first as a literal and virtual GUARANTEE that he has a women who is not only emotionally dependent, but is silently willing to go along with the machinations that he creates in making her believe that her sexual abilities and sexual openness (re: sex slave) mean she defies the former (and unbeknownst to her, oftentimes current) competition with women of the past in his life. She becomes extremely sexually dependent too.

[jlola]

His narrative of his past sex partners is no different than when he refers to them in a derogatory fashion otherwise outside the bedroom, but in sexual terms, his past partners were “prudes”, “she never wanted it”, “frigid”, “refused to do ‘fun’ stuff”, etc. My ex psychopath told me that he did not know what a woman’s orgasm felt like. After two marriages, and God knows now, how many other women he bedded, that was a major deception.

 

and so I was willing to “show” him that I could be the best lover he ever had! In reality, what it did was set me up for severe dependency on sex as the only form of communication in which I felt “loved” by him or experienced any “closeness” or “intimacy”. He told me he was “tired” of being the one in the marriage to “initiate” sex. Poor man. No problem there, because I was eager to taking over the “initiator” role to show that horrible abusive woman up! She should be taking care of her man! And through this the psychopath/narcissist sets up a triangulation that will be very difficult to break.

 

Just because he offers her some sexual “pleasure”, does not mean it’s about her at all. Just as it is in the love bombing/honeymoon stage with manipulation, so it is with the sexual relationship. The sexual relationship for him, is just another means to get what he wants out of the relationship, whether it’s money, a trophy wife for his image, a regular sex supply source (in between his Other Women), a place to live, or someone to be housekeeper, mother his children, pay half the mortgage, or a drinking buddy, it’s all about him and him only.

 

 

 

theabilitytolove.wordpress.com/2013/01/05/the-psychopathnarcissist-and-sex-he-wants-you-to-overrate-it-baby/

[So happy together]

If your guy fits some of of the description for sociopathic tendencies, another good book to read is "in Sheep's Clothing" by George Simon.

 

He explains this type of person very well using a scale model, which was extremely helpful to me in the past when dealing with the realization that someone in my life was really a sociopath. It wasnt a love relationship, it a family member, but severing that tie was beyond excruciating... My brain could not accept the idea that a person who was supposed to love me was really not ever even capable of it all along. I wanted to fix that relationship and tried so so hard for years, and all I was doing was banging my head against a brick wall.

 

I had trouble putting that person in the sociopath "category" even though they fit the bill 110%, the scale model was easier for me to accept and internalize, and finally gave me the courage to stop trying to fix what could not ever be fixed, and walk away NC (going on 5 years now)

 

Best 5 years of my life. (recent events notwithstanding) Peace, freedom, my self esteem back...

 

There is nothing you can do with a sociopath except volunteer for misery and heartache. And they are GOOD at what they do. Its all fake. All of it. The emotions, the guilt, the tears, the love, the caring, the (insert any emotion here that requires empathy) It's all fake. It's all a mind****.

 

What can you do to help them? Nothing. Ever. Never ever ever.

 

People throw the term sociopath around a lot too, which I think makes it almost less believable when you really have one in your life. But it's estimated that 3-9% of the population is in this category. So if you know 100 people, you probably know at least 3 sociopaths.

 

Anyway, I definitely recommend the sheep book, even if all you do with it is rule out the fact that he is a sociopath. Knowledge is power.

 

I had a person in my life who was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. It was the scariest time in my life and that person had me so turned around in my own head I thought I was nuts. I didn't know he had any issues and I happened upon the paperwork one day that had his diagnosis on it. OMG. It was such a relief to me because I had internalized all of his crazy weird behavior and I immediately got him out of my life. It was truly like I had been living in a dark closet with only his influence and when I opened that door, I got my life back. Thank god it didn't go on for very long.

[jlola]

I had a person in my life who was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. It was the scariest time in my life and that person had me so turned around in my own head I thought I was nuts. I didn't know he had any issues and I happened upon the paperwork one day that had his diagnosis on it. OMG. It was such a relief to me because I had internalized all of his crazy weird behavior and I immediately got him out of my life. It was truly like I had been living in a dark closet with only his influence and when I opened that door, I got my life back. Thank god it didn't go on for very long.

 

 

The longer you allow someone who is cluster b into your life. the harder it is to leave. So may people think "sociopath" or anti socials are people who are crazy or mean, or psychotic and can be spotted right away.

 

Many do not understand what they have been taught by television is not so. Most sociopaths do not end up in jail.

 

In fact their list of traits are charming,

 

life of the party,

 

use pity to make you feel sorry,

 

they never blame themselves,

 

they can be some of the most romantic people you have ever had a relationship with,

 

they are prone to cheating

 

They are addictive

 

They will suck you back into a relationship, not because of the love they profess. But because they own you and it is all a game to see how low your boundaries are and if they can get you back.

 

Problem is, though the likelihood of most women having had at least one crazy relationship with a cluster b is high(It is usually the one so hard to leave as they become an addiction) few people are willing to really understand what these people are about.

 

I know I was. Till I heard my father described as a narcissist and my sister Borderline personality(after we had her committed due to suicide attempt after a break-up from who I now see was a narcissistic ex).

 

It explained so much. I did a lot of reading and woke up finally. Boundaries are a must with these people.

 

Ironically, no matter how much information I have given my mother to my father and sister's behavior, the diagnosis of personality disorders goes right above her head. She is old school from another country so she thinks it's all mumbo jumbo. Instead of a light bulb moment, she is just more confused.

 

She always says, "your father is nice to some people" just treats us bad. "So he is not crazy or evil". He has good in him.I try to explain that as a malignant narcissist or any cluster b. they know people well enough to understand you put a mask on for certain people when you want to be perceived as good. He does that very well. The "mask" is a well known ploy for cluster b. They show you exactly who it is they want you to see. Best actors in the world.

[Wambo]

Just because they are mentally handicap or had a tragic/spoilt upbring, it doesn't automatically make them dangerous. Many with these conditions comes out as good people and are lesser threat than someone using a phone while driving.

[jlola]

they are not mentally handicap. They know good from bad and when to use it.

 

They are not good people. Please read about these personality disorders. They may do good, but it always has a purpose. they emotionally destroy the people closest to them. They gaslight,lie,triangulate,manipulate, use,cheat.

 

They are smart enough to understand, you cannot go through life as a wrecking ball and have people drawn to you. So when they show you bad, they show you a bit of good too so you can defend them. A sociopath can scam someone this morning and mow his old neighbor's lawn in the afternoon. Good guy right? Big heart, Something must have been bad in his life to make him a scammer. poor soul. Forgive him since he does not know right from wrong and may have had a bad childhood.

 

A bad childhood seems to excuse it all. I had a bad childhood. My father almost killed me when I was 1 years old and that is just the beginning. But it gives me no excuse to abuse others. I give respect and treat people the way I want to be treated.

 

To believe there is good in a person who had a bad childhood, so he brings pain to others, knowing how it feels to be abused emotionally and mentally is the reason these people thrive.

 

 

Noone can show all evil all the time.

[Wambo]

Can you please Google

 

BBC Horizon Are You Good or Evil

 

The documentary can also be found on youtube.

 

 

Psychopaths do not know the difference between good or bad. The reason is part of their brains are undeveloped and can't produce some key emotions like most folks can. This is why they appear cold blooded and why their behaviour isn't normal.

 

Please remember it's important to put down the facts down correctly if you are going to warn everyone of these dangerous people. However not everyone with these conditions want to do harm to others but a lot do.

[jlola]

Can you please Google

 

BBC Horizon Are You Good or Evil

 

The documentary can also be found on youtube.

 

 

Psychopaths do not know the difference between good or bad. The reason is part of their brains are undeveloped and can't produce some key emotions like most folks can. This is why they appear cold blooded and why their behaviour isn't normal.

 

Please remember it's important to put down the facts down correctly if you are going to warn everyone of these dangerous people. However not everyone with these conditions want to do harm to others but a lot do.

 

 

 

 

Dangerous can mean many things.A person can do much emotioanl damage to another. Psychopaths are not recommended to be around if you want to keep your sanity. their twisted views are not in line with spiritual growth.

 

 

 

Psychopaths know the technical difference between right and wrong - which is one of the reasons their insanity pleas in criminal cases so rarely succeed; they just fail to act on that knowledge.

Jeffrey Kluger

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.Researchers find psychopaths know right from wrong

Edited July 23, 2013 by jlola

[jlola]

Psychopaths and Pathological Lying: Why Do Psychopaths Lie?

 

Psychopaths lie pathologically to others about pretty much everything: their past, their present and their future. Whatever lies you discover about the psychopath in your life are likely to be just the tip of the iceberg. Be prepared for the sinking of the Titanic.

psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/why-do-psychopaths-lie/