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Had Sex with My Ex. Now What?

kkitty

By kkitty
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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kkitty New Member

kkitty

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My ex called me the other night and told me he really missed me. So he came over to my house and we had a great talk and he updated me on new things that were going on in his life. He told me he was sorry for leaving and that he doesn't want to give up on us since he still loves me, but he just needs some time to find himself and sort out his issues before he can commit to being in a relationship again.

 

He ended up kissing me and we made out for a while, something that we haven't done in many years (we were together for 7 years). It felt nice having some passion again since it kind of died towards the end of our relationship. Afterwards, he said he was going to rest in his car for a while since he was drinking earlier and was too sleepy to drive home.

 

So I invited him in to sleep for the night. He hugged me tight all night and every time he woke up, he was so happy to see me and kissed me. I ended up sleeping with him the next day. He wanted to hang out for the day, but I told him I had to go take care of stuff so we kissed goodbye and I got a text from him an hour later saying it was really good seeing me. A part of me was hoping that sleeping with him would bring back intimate memories and good feelings and that he would miss me and want to come back. But I haven't heard from him in a few days so things haven't progressed.

 

My question is what should I do now? We've been in limited contact since we broke up, about 6 weeks now. He usually texts and call me here and there, asking to see me. I always make sure he works with my schedule and I only agree to see him occasionally, when I have time. Should I pull back and distance myself even more or keep things the way they are? And if there's a next time, should I withhold sex?

 

I'm just worried doing that will eventually push him away to find comfort somewhere else. He says he still loves me and that I'm still his best friend so I want to be supportive to him during this time of his identity crisis and be there for him when he needs me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice would be very helpful, thanks.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted
My ex called me the other night and told me he really missed me. So he came over to my house and we had a great talk and he updated me on new things that were going on in his life. He told me he was sorry for leaving and that he doesn't want to give up on us since he still loves me, but he just needs some time to find himself and sort out his issues before he can commit to being in a relationship again. He ended up kissing me and we made out for a while, something that we haven't done in many years (we were together for 7 years). It felt nice having some passion again since it kind of died towards the end of our relationship. Afterwards, he said he was going to rest in his car for a while since he was drinking earlier and was too sleepy to drive home. So I invited him in to sleep for the night. He hugged me tight all night and every time he woke up, he was so happy to see me and kissed me. I ended up sleeping with him the next day. He wanted to hang out for the day, but I told him I had to go take care of stuff so we kissed goodbye and I got a text from him an hour later saying it was really good seeing me. A part of me was hoping that sleeping with him would bring back intimate memories and good feelings and that he would miss me and want to come back. But I haven't heard from him in a few days so things haven't progressed. My question is what should I do now? We've been in limited contact since we broke up, about 6 weeks now. He usually texts and call me here and there, asking to see me. I always make sure he works with my schedule and I only agree to see him occasionally, when I have time. Should I pull back and distance myself even more or keep things the way they are? And if there's a next time, should I withhold sex? I'm just worried doing that will eventually push him away to find comfort somewhere else. He says he still loves me and that I'm still his best friend so I want to be supportive to him during this time of his identity crisis and be there for him when he needs me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice would be very helpful, thanks.

 

Your worries are well justified.

 

I'm going to be harsh here and I dont know you personally, but this all needs to be said so I do apologize.

 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! So lets recap, he dumps you, you guys still talk, he comes over and you guys have sex, and now you are wondering what you should do? What you SHOULD do is NOT talk to him! He wanted this, and he gets to not date you AND have sex with you. There is no self respect here from you.

 

There is no "identity crisis" going on here. If there was some sort of anything like that, he would not leave you for fear of you being gone. When you love someone, you want them to help you with everything. There is something going on here....someone or something. You say you are worried he will push away if you DONT have sex?? He is already gone! There is no losing him if HE broke up with you. He likes the comfort of being with you because change can be difficult, but you being his crutch WILL be not bode will for you in the end YOU HAVE to believe that.

 

The answer you seek is probably not the answer you want: Do not talk to him. He wants out to find himself or whatever identity reason he wants....but you are playing to his feelings JUST so you can possibly get back with him. It wont help I assure you.

  • Like 5
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

You were a booty call.

 

Now, he knows all he has to do is say the right things and he can get his "fix".

 

I think you deserve better than that.

  • Like 3
eleve82 Established Member

eleve82

Posted
Posted

I did the exact same thing as you, kkitty. I can tell you that ConfusedHumanBeing is 100% painfully correct.

  • Like 1
daftpunk Established Member

daftpunk

Posted
Posted
Any advice would be very helpful, thanks.

 

Simple. Do the opposite of what you did.

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

I need to find myself or identity? PPLLLUHHHEEEZZZEE... He dumped you. You don't dump someone you love. You WANT THEM THERE TO HELP YOU through the rough spots, not run away. Clearly, you both fell out of love after that long relationship. It sounds like it ran its course and is now over. You need to go NC and move on w/your life to you next relationship.

 

Honey, you got played like a piano. I'm not trying to be mean. Learn from it. Move on, you do deserve better.

  • Like 1
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

Now what? Well, stop having sex with him for starters. All you will end up being is a girl that provides sex with no commitment.

 

Next, love yourself more by stepping away and letting him deal with finding himself. That preserves your dignity and lessens your confusion and pain.

 

Lastly, if someone loved you and you were their best friend, they wouldn't dump you, have sex with you and disappear.

 

And yes, I have had the same experience. The ones that claim to love and miss you after a break-up, have sex with you and then nothing...yes, it's common.

  • 5 weeks later...
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kkitty New Member

kkitty

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

You all were wrong. My ex came back to me because he realized how much he loved me during our time apart. We are back together and happier than ever, as if we were first dating again. Our break up really was a test of time, and we made it through. :)

Edited by kkitty
Dez Member

Dez

Posted
Posted

had sex with my ex after we broke up too, but mines didn't go as smooth as your story. we both got into the mood then 15 mins into she yelled at me to stop, and accused me of raping her! i was like wtf.

  • Like 2
Pasicel New Member

Pasicel

Posted
Posted

Great to hear, but please. Be careful, be very careful.

  • Like 1
Soat Established Member

Soat

Posted
Posted
You all were wrong. My ex came back to me because he realized how much he loved me during our time apart. We are back together and happier than ever, as if we were first dating again. Our break up really was a test of time, and we made it through. :)

 

While that's nice to hear. It's not uncommon to reunite swearing this time will be different, and then after the honeymoon phase is over the issues that lead to the break up (for one side or both sides) usually come back. Hopefully it works out, but the odds are you're going to split again. :(

  • Like 1
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

Great to hear we were wrong. But, like the others say, BE CAREFUL!

 

Trust but verify. Somehow, I have a feeling that this story isn't over.

  • Like 1
Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

Yep, I'm skeptical about this. I hope it sticks, but I have a feeling that this rollercoaster ride is just getting started.

  • Like 1
happydate Established Member

happydate

Posted
Posted (edited)
My ex called me the other night and told me he really missed me. So he came over to my house and we had a great talk and he updated me on new things that were going on in his life. He told me he was sorry for leaving and that he doesn't want to give up on us since he still loves me, but he just needs some time to find himself and sort out his issues before he can commit to being in a relationship again.

 

He ended up kissing me and we made out for a while, something that we haven't done in many years (we were together for 7 years). It felt nice having some passion again since it kind of died towards the end of our relationship. Afterwards, he said he was going to rest in his car for a while since he was drinking earlier and was too sleepy to drive home.

 

So I invited him in to sleep for the night. He hugged me tight all night and every time he woke up, he was so happy to see me and kissed me. I ended up sleeping with him the next day. He wanted to hang out for the day, but I told him I had to go take care of stuff so we kissed goodbye and I got a text from him an hour later saying it was really good seeing me. A part of me was hoping that sleeping with him would bring back intimate memories and good feelings and that he would miss me and want to come back. But I haven't heard from him in a few days so things haven't progressed.

 

My question is what should I do now? We've been in limited contact since we broke up, about 6 weeks now. He usually texts and call me here and there, asking to see me. I always make sure he works with my schedule and I only agree to see him occasionally, when I have time. Should I pull back and distance myself even more or keep things the way they are? And if there's a next time, should I withhold sex?

 

I'm just worried doing that will eventually push him away to find comfort somewhere else. He says he still loves me and that I'm still his best friend so I want to be supportive to him during this time of his identity crisis and be there for him when he needs me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice would be very helpful, thanks.

 

7 years is a long time being together; despite the fact that there's no passion towards the end of the relationship. You still have an attachment to him not out of love, but rather you letting him slip by because he couldn't be tamed by your dominant manipulative and strong personality and you felt you missed the chance. That's all and that is your drive. You are both manipulators -- he's using this chance to exact as many booty calls from you as he can knowing that there is no chance for a relationship to work. He's also there to sabotage your future relationship with other men, knowing that you will always long for him, so any guys you date next is going to end up as a rebound guy.

With you, you are already thinking of manipulating him back into an unworkable relationship by sleeping with him and then thinking of witholding sex so as to starve his sexual appetite and then he will appreciate you more.

 

Is this what you want in a relationship; both of you playing a chess game to see who makes the best moves? This just won't last, because you are not bringing in anything new to the table with him other than sex. Sex gets boring after awhile. Tons of other women can bring sex to his table; not just you you know, so sex in itself is NOT enough. You need something substantially new to bring to the table and that requires lots of healing in yourself and a long NC (No Contact). If a year or 2 later, you guys do get back together, you may or may not want to hook up again. But then at least, both of you have somewhat healed and than determine what you could do to reset the relationship back and start fresh.

 

Second chances is not about starting off where your relationship left off. In order to start, you both must have a solid loving foundation. I don't see that in either both you and him. And with him so lame using you as a booty call indicates to me that he's just using you for sex. He isn't willing to change nor heal and you are promoting this issue and delaying your healing opportunity.

 

The love between you and him will never die. There will always be a special place in your memory banks that you place him where he belongs. Day dream the awesome time together.

Edited by happydate
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kkitty New Member

kkitty

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
7 years is a long time being together; despite the fact that there's no passion towards the end of the relationship. You still have an attachment to him not out of love, but rather you letting him slip by because he couldn't be tamed by your dominant manipulative and strong personality and you felt you missed the chance. That's all and that is your drive. You are both manipulators -- he's using this chance to exact as many booty calls from you as he can knowing that there is no chance for a relationship to work. He's also there to sabotage your future relationship with other men, knowing that you will always long for him, so any guys you date next is going to end up as a rebound guy.

With you, you are already thinking of manipulating him back into an unworkable relationship by sleeping with him and then thinking of witholding sex so as to starve his sexual appetite and then he will appreciate you more.

 

Is this what you want in a relationship; both of you playing a chess game to see who makes the best moves? This just won't last, because you are not bringing in anything new to the table with him other than sex. Sex gets boring after awhile. Tons of other women can bring sex to his table; not just you you know, so sex in itself is NOT enough. You need something substantially new to bring to the table and that requires lots of healing in yourself and a long NC (No Contact). If a year or 2 later, you guys do get back together, you may or may not want to hook up again. But then at least, both of you have somewhat healed and than determine what you could do to reset the relationship back and start fresh.

 

Second chances is not about starting off where your relationship left off. In order to start, you both must have a solid loving foundation. I don't see that in either both you and him. And with him so lame using you as a booty call indicates to me that he's just using you for sex. He isn't willing to change nor heal and you are promoting this issue and delaying your healing opportunity.

 

The love between you and him will never die. There will always be a special place in your memory banks that you place him where he belongs. Day dream the awesome time together.

 

Lol. This post was a while ago when I was desperate to get my ex back and overanalyzed every little action/detail. Everything has changed since then. And we only had sex that one time when the breakup was still fresh. It's not even about sex. It was actually my issues that led to the breakup because I was battling depression for years from the death of my father. So he had to leave because nothing ever changed and I was never happy with my life and that affected our relationship because I would take things out on him. I was moody and pessimistic and would pick fights with him over stupid stuff. I took him for granted and ended up pushing him away. After the breakup, it opened my eyes that I was living in hell for so long, and that I chose to live that way, and I dragged him down with me. I knew things had to change after I had lost everything and was at the lowest point of my life. So I worked on myself, I devoted all my time reconnecting with my friends, family, work, school, and activities and changed into a completely different person than I was before. The breakup helped me realize how beautiful life is and why I shouldn't revolve my life around a man and depend on him for my happiness because it's not fair to both myself and to him. I finally learned how to let go of negativity and sadness and found true happiness and inner peace.

 

We kept in very limited contact and I actually got to the point where I began to heal and move on with my life, not even looking for a text or hoping to hear from him. And that was when my ex came back to me. That was all my ex ever hoped for, for me to be happy and now that I am and have a new perspective on life, we have a fresh start and our relationship is amazing and we've been laughing and taking for hours nonstop every time we hang out. I'm truly loving my life now and am grateful everyday for all the things I'm blessed with. So thanks for all of your input but even if things end up not working out between us, I'd be ok with that because I'll be ok with or without a man. Life is too beautiful and there's so many things to appreciate and I'm never taking things for granted again. :)

Edited by kkitty
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