Boyfriend's friends

[Foxglove]

Dear readers of this broad;

 

I recently stumbled upon this message broad and decided to request advice.

 

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about four months and it has been wonderful relationship, although there is a complicated situation with three of his friends and I am uncertain how to respond to such.

 

He hangs out with his bestfriend, his bestfriend's girlfriend and her bestfriend. I'll give the fake names to cut down on confussion James, Monica and Elaine.

 

When my boyfriend was first interested in me Monica and Elaine encouraged his attempts to win me over, even going so far as to help him pick out clothing (that looks good on him) and gifts for me.

 

Now before I was in the picture the four ot them spent a good deal of time together and my boyfriend had asked Elaine out, but she refused him. James has a crush on Elaine and often flirted with her in front of her his girlfriend Monica, who often responded by flirting with my boyfriend. This was all before we started dating.

 

Once Elaine discovered we were a couple she called my BF and professed her love to him. It seemed strange to me because she had turned him down before. He rejected her in a gentle way, but felt awkward and sort of avoided her. He also told me the whole story and she (possibly feeling hurt at his rejection) withdrew from him and the four of them had not hung out that much.

 

Now my Bf and his friend desired for us all to hang out and get along, but I was told that both Monica and Elaine were jealous of me and had little interest in being around me despite not knowing me, but recently we had all gathered together to watch movies along with some others.

 

Elaine was shy and withdrawn, but Monica despite having a boyfriend was throwing herself at my boyfriend. She tried to wrestle him and he shruged her off. She would sit near him. Play video games with him and talk about their old times together. The whole time James was ignoring her and flirting with Elaine. Now, things got worse when a group of those tied my bf in packaging tape and then while he was tied up she sat on his legs and started to stroke his ankles, while claiming that he would never have cute, little girl like herself on him again. I got upset by this and crouched nearby, after having stayed out of the wrestling before and gently brushed her hands away, at which point she grinned at me and started again. I did not want to start any kind of fight and so I withdrew and my boyfriend was tied up and well couldn't do much about it.

 

I came back shortly later with sissors and freed him, but she continued to try and flirt with him, but my bf kept me on his lap and mostly ignored her. He did respond a little bit with smiles and stuff, but not much.

 

Now, I really did not like Monica and felt that she was aggressively competitive with me. I do not wish to tell my bf not to be friends with her and I think that doing such could cause tension with him and his best friend. I also feel that if she is going to hang out with a girl like that I sort of want to be around. I trust him, but she unerves me. I want advice on how to behave when she is acting like that and what is reasonable limits to set and should I tell my boyfriend not to just passively avoid her, but maybe tell her more directly to back off?

 

What I did tell him was that I did not like and felt she was flirting with him and trying to be competitive with me. That I did not want cause problems with him and his friends and so I was not going to suggest that he not hang out with her, but I was going to ask that he try to discourage her and when I am available to invite me along. Is that a good response?

 

I welcome any advice, comments or opinions on this.

 

Thanks,

 

Foxglove

[Tony T]

Any girl that would flirt with your boyfriend, especially right in front of you and while he is tied up, is a piece of lowlife trash, in my opinion.

 

Yes, you should absolutely tell your boyfriend how you feel about this. This girl has NO CLASS at all...no morals, no manners, no ethics, no nothing. What ghetto did she come from?

 

I would seriously question the people your guy hangs out with if this scuzz can work her way into the crowd.

 

Let your boyfriend know that you not only dislike her flirtatious conduct toward him but you won't put up her showing you that kind of disrespect. Ask him to please let her know that this behavior is highly inappropriate and to cease it at once.

 

If she doesn't, then your boyfriend needs to talk to his male friend about this and get him involved. If that doesn't work, your boyfriend needs to find a group of friends who have a more manners and respect for each other.

 

If I were you, I would very politely talk to this chick the next time she pulls this crap in front of you. Let her know that you have put up with it long enough, it is no longer cute, and you would appreciate her showing more respect for the friendship by not having such personal contact with your boyfriend...whether you are around or not.

[Deejette]

I think your boyfriend needs to be more assertive in all this and not just leave it up to you. I mean, here he is, letting himself be tied up and flirted with and you are the one to have to deal with it. He is not suffering through this whole thing, you are.

 

I really don't blame you for not wanting to hang out with these girls. It is stressful to have to think that they are flirting with your bf or that they are jealous of you. But these guys sound like they are having a good ole time.

 

Maybe you need to think about whom you want to hang out with. Does it always have to be "Love me, love my friends?" If a guy is serious about a woman, he does not act that way.

Any girl that would flirt with your boyfriend, especially right in front of you and while he is tied up, is a piece of lowlife trash, in my opinion. Yes, you should absolutely tell your boyfriend how you feel about this. This girl has NO CLASS at all...no morals, no manners, no ethics, no nothing. What ghetto did she come from? I would seriously question the people your guy hangs out with if this scuzz can work her way into the crowd. Let your boyfriend know that you not only dislike her flirtatious conduct toward him but you won't put up her showing you that kind of disrespect. Ask him to please let her know that this behavior is highly inappropriate and to cease it at once. If she doesn't, then your boyfriend needs to talk to his male friend about this and get him involved. If that doesn't work, your boyfriend needs to find a group of friends who have a more manners and respect for each other. If I were you, I would very politely talk to this chick the next time she pulls this crap in front of you. Let her know that you have put up with it long enough, it is no longer cute, and you would appreciate her showing more respect for the friendship by not having such personal contact with your boyfriend...whether you are around or not.

[Stargazer]

Yup, I agree with the guys above on your post, good advice.

 

You have every right to be annoyed at these girls AND your boyfriend, why on earth is he willing to put up with this crap? Obviously because he wants to.

 

He needs to take some responsibility here, like Deejette said, it's his thing, not yours, he should have opened his mouth and said 'look, settle down, I don't like this, this isn't right, stop it' but he let it happen, he must have enjoyed it. Maybe he doesn't want to upset the apple cart with his friends by saying anything but the fact is YOU are his girlfriend, he should not be ALLOWING other girls to be openly pawing him like this in front of his girlfriend, no matter who they are, is it somehow OK and should be treated lighter because these girls are his 'friends'. I don't think so!

 

You are trying to be civil and understanding here because these girls are his 'friends', I admire that but the fact is you have every right to be more than annoyed with all of them BECAUSE these people are his so called friends. Meaning they, of all people, shouldn't be behaving like this because of that relationship to him, if it was strangers that acted like this it would be easier to deal with - you'd rip em to shreds and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. This is worse in a lot of ways.

 

Real friends don't act like this, they really don't, people who genuinely have their friends best interests at heart don't behave in this manner. It was OK to start with for them, they encouraged him, they probably thought nothing would come of it, now that it has, they resent YOU for taking something away from them.

 

It's all a power play with them, I don't really think it's actually got anything at all to do with the way these girls FEEL about him, it's not about HIM as such, that's obvious -it's about their own insecurities, they need to act like this, to talk about their past times together in front of you so they feel OK, so they feel in control and powerful over you. Think of them as weaker than you, they ARE, much.

 

You are right in wanting to approach this in a level headed way with your boyfriend, anything else and he will only resent you for it and think YOU are the one with the problem here. Help your boyfriend see that this is NOT acceptable behaviour from his 'friends' in any way shape or form, help him see what this is really about, their own insecurities, help him get a clear understanding of the situation. You deserve respect from him and his friends, you have every right to ask for it if he is letting you down and he IS by not telling these girls to back off.

[Foxglove]

Yup, I agree with the guys above on your post, good advice. You have every right to be annoyed at these girls AND your boyfriend, why on earth is he willing to put up with this crap? Obviously because he wants to. He needs to take some responsibility here, like Deejette said, it's his thing, not yours, he should have opened his mouth and said 'look, settle down, I don't like this, this isn't right, stop it' but he let it happen, he must have enjoyed it. Maybe he doesn't want to upset the apple cart with his friends by saying anything but the fact is YOU are his girlfriend, he should not be ALLOWING other girls to be openly pawing him like this in front of his girlfriend, no matter who they are, is it somehow OK and should be treated lighter because these girls are his 'friends'. I don't think so! You are trying to be civil and understanding here because these girls are his 'friends', I admire that but the fact is you have every right to be more than annoyed with all of them BECAUSE these people are his so called friends. Meaning

[Foxglove]

Thank you for such quick and detailed responses to my post.

 

I am taking the advise into serious consideration on how to deal with this problem.

 

I have not been in contact with those girls since I last posted, but my boyfriend claims the flirtatous one and her boyfriend had come over and reportedly her boyfriend lectured her about her treatment of me in part in response to a conversation that my bf had with him about what went on that night.

 

Still, I do not believe this means the problem is over and solved for a few reasons. One is that I still feel some tension because of what happened. Also just because her boyfriend lectured her does not mean she is going to stop. And that my bf's response (talking to his friend who talked to the girl) was a passive and indirect one.

 

Although, I think at this point I am going to pipe down about it and see if the girl ceases or at least tones down her behavior. If not I may talk to her directly, but politely as Tony suggested and I will probably ask for a more aggressive response from my bf. Although I can be shy and nonconfrontational and may find it difficult to speak to her directly, as she is an aggressive person.

 

Take care,

 

Foxglove